A Continental Coach Trip. {Part 2} Narrator: Dame Hilda and the Doctor, accompanied by Maud, are still on their coach tour across the continent, they have stayed overnight at Middelkerke in Belgium, and are about to continue their journey. Dr. Hinge: Hurry up, Hilda, the coach is ready to depart. Dame Hilda: Well, it's to be hoped the driver isn't, dear. Dr. Hinge: Why ever not? Dr. Hinge: All the more reason for us to set off. Dame Hilda: Oh, now, Evadne, please, but I wonder where she's got to. Dr. Hinge: Wait, there's Maud coming out of the hotel now Dame Hilda: Oh, my goodness me, she's excelled herself this morning. Dame Hilda: It's a Tyrolean hat, dear, oh no it isn't, no, no, it's Tom's trilby with a feather in it. Dr. Hinge: Stupid woman. Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't know, Evadne, you know, when in Rome. Dr. Hinge: We're nowhere near Rome, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, Maud probably thinks we are, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, as long as you don't make any remarks about sacred cows. Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, I'm not late, am I? Dame Hilda: No, dear, the other 53 passengers are early. Maud: No, well, I was tidyin’ up me room, like, you know, doin’ the dustin’ and makin’ the bed. Dame Hilda: Besides, you won't be sleeping in it tonight, dear. Dr. Hinge: And please take that ridiculous hat off. Maud: Shan’t! I've still got me curlers in underneath. Dame Hilda: You can understand Maud's predicament, Evadne, she doesn't want to look silly. Dame Hilda: Yes, but, Maud, why the Tyrolean hat and not your usual beret? Dame Hilda: I believe it's Austria, dear, and they're usually not splashed with white emulsion. Dr. Hinge: Ah, Hilda, what lovely scenery. Dr. Hinge: That's the one thing about travelling abroad, the scenery is so... Dame Hilda: Reminiscent of England. Dr. Hinge: Of course it's not, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Let's ask Maud, oh, she's asleep. Dr. Hinge: Typical. Dame Hilda: Just look at her, I do wish she wouldn't sleep with her mouth open. Dr. Hinge: Lean over and give her a nudge, Hilda. Dame Hilda: I might fall in, dear. Dame Hilda: What's the matter, dear? Dame Hilda: What do you mean? Dr. Hinge: At the back of the coach, don't look, don't look, don't look, if she sees us looking, she'll be straight down here. Dame Hilda: Oh, look, Evadne, she's talking to that honeymoon couple. Dr. Hinge: I told you not to look. Dame Hilda: I couldn't help myself, dear, I mean, as soon as you said don't look, I just had to, anyway, she hasn't spotted me. Dr. Hinge: Unfortunately, she spotted me this morning after breakfast, I couldn't get rid of her. Dame Hilda: Ah, well, you see now, you weren't as clever as me, dear, as soon as I saw her approaching the reception desk, I hid behind the potted palm. Dr. Hinge: Quick thinking, dear. Dame Hilda: One of my forte’s, dear, actually, I was hiding behind it for ages, I thought she'd never stop talking to the receptionist. Dr. Hinge: Still, you avoided her. Dame Hilda: Oh, hello, Mabel, what a surprise. Mabel: I trust you had a good night's sleep? Mabel: By the way, Dame Hilda, what was it you found so interesting behind that potted palm this morning? Dame Hilda: Um... yes, yes, well, there's one of my hobbies, you see, Mabel, I'm very interested in commando... in houseplants, yes, houseplants, I was talking to it. Dr. Hinge: She does it all the time, she's an authority on Busy Lizzies. Mabel: No, no, no, no, no, I'm running a sweepstake on how many miles we've covered so far. Dame Hilda: Well, does that include the taxi ride from our house to the station? Mabel: No, Dame Hilda, just the coach journey. Dame Hilda: Well, in that case, we'll knock half a mile off, just one thing, Mabel, do you want the answer in kilogrammes? Dr. Hinge: Kilometres, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Now, don't complicate things, Evadne. Maud: Aah! get your ‘ands off me, Malcolm, you filthy beast! Oh, it's you, is it? Dr. Hinge: We're having a sweep, Maud. Maud: Payin’ all this money and we ‘ave t’ clean the coach. Dr. Hinge: You can go back to sleep, Maud. Maud: And I was trottin’ down this narrer mountain road and suddenly a coach was comin’ towards me. Maud: Well, on one side o’ the road was this yawnin’ chasm, so I fell down it. Dr. Hinge: As you didn't hurt yourself, you obviously landed on your feet, all four of them. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, you was woke up...you were awakened by Mabel. Dame Hilda: Now, that's not very nice, Maud, but very true. Maud: Well, I think she's a bit common, not our sort at all. Dame Hilda: To be charitable, she means well, dear, now, what about this sweepstake she's running? Dame Hilda: Well, we have to guess how many miles we've travelled these last two days. Maud: Oh, well, I reckon it's about 50,000 miles. {Hotel.} {Door knocks.} Dame Hilda: Come in. Dr. Hinge: Hello, Hilda, are you ready to go out? My word, I like your room. Dame Hilda: Yes, it's lovely, dear, isn't it? Dame Hilda: What's your room like, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: It hasn't got a view of the lake. Dr. Hinge: Yes, so I see, you're always lucky like that, aren't you, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: You haven't got a sinus problem, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Hilda Bracket, you've certainly got a nerve. Dame Hilda: And I've got a view of the lake. You know, Evadne, I never thought that someday we would stay at the famous White Horse Inn.
Goodbye, goodbye, we wish you all a last goodbye
come on, wave your hanky, dear, oh, it's such a jolly number, that. Dr. Hinge: So she should be, her room overlooks the lake. Dr. Hinge: What, well, how on earth did you manage that? Dame Hilda: Yes, you must be a terrible temptation to him, Maud. Maud: I don't know what it is but I seem to ‘ave a fatal attraction for men like ‘im. Maud: Oh, good ideal, I'll go and put me Tyrolean ‘at on. Dame Hilda: But you're welcome to come with us, dear, go and put your hat on and give the natives a treat. Dr. Hinge: Really, Hilda, that hat will make us a laughing stock. Dame Hilda: It could be worse, dear, she could be wearing a pair of those leather shorts. now, that would be a sight, you know, the ones with the braces and that embroidered bib piece. Dame Hilda: I beg your pardon, you're not going to be rude, are you? Dame Hilda: Oh, is it, Evadne, you always know, don't you, dear? {Door knocks.} Dame Hilda: Come in! who is it? Dame Hilda: Good grief! She is wearing leather shorts. Dr. Hinge: I'm lost for words. Dame Hilda: Well, Maud, they're… well, how can I put it err... I'm lost for words. Maud: They don't fit me proper. Dr. Hinge: You know, dear, all of a sudden, I don't feel like going for a walk, I'll have a lie down instead. Maud: They don't fit me proper because they aren't mine. Dame Hilda: Good heavens, she's debagged the manager. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, I’m with you now, well, almost. Maud: We're the same shape, you see. Dr. Hinge: Poor Arthur. Dame Hilda: Yes. Maud: I'm not stupid, yer know. Dame Hilda: Of course you're not, dear, I mean, nobody ever suggested such a thing, it's just that, um... when you look, um... it was when you, um... you're not going to yodel, are you, Maud? Maud: No, I'm not, why? Dame Hilda: Nothing, dear. I was, uh... just thinking of the, the strain on the braces. Dame Hilda: You know, Evadne, it wouldn't surprise me if she came back wearing skis in case we go up a hill. Dame Hilda: And after that I don't really feel like going for a walk, Maud's shorts have left me in a state of shock. Dame Hilda: Excellent suggestion, dear, we might even be daring and try one of those delicious cream cakes we read about. Dr. Hinge: Kuchen. Dame Hilda: Pardon, dear. Dr. Hinge: Kuchen, that's German for cream cake. Dr. Hinge: Doing what, dear? Dame Hilda: Showing off. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, what are we waiting for let's go and meet him? {Coffee house.} Dr. Hinge: I've been looking forward so much to the next seven days. Dame Hilda: So have I, dear, there's so much to see and explore. Dr. Hinge: Actually, Hilda, I've planned a little excursion for us every day. Dame Hilda: Oh, wonderful, I trust that Salzburg is on your list, isn't it? I mean, we've read so much about it in musical history. Dr. Hinge: Most certainly, we're going there tomorrow, I'm just checking the bus timetables after lunch. Dame Hilda: Splendid. Dame Hilda: I didn't realise we'd been hiding, Mabel. Henry: Yes, you've found them now, Mabsy. Mabel: I wanted to give you your tickets, ladies. Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you very much. Mabel: For the boat trip tomorrow, I've organised it, you see, everyone in our party's going, a boat trip around Wolfgang Lake, should be fun, don't you think? Dame Hilda: Hilarious. Mabel: Here we are, one for you, Dame Hilda and one for the Doctor, you can pay me when it's convenient, come along then, Hen, take a photograph of the ladies enjoying themselves. {Lake.} Dame Hilda: Well, this is nice, is it, Evadne, are you comfortable, dear? Dr. Hinge: Yes, thank you, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Are you Maud? Maud: That don't matter, I never did like boats. Dr. Hinge: What mind? Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, don't start. Maud: What if there's a monster under the water? Dame Hilda: Pardon me? Dr. Hinge: The monster is in Loch Ness. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you said the monster was in Loch Lomond. Maud: Boris Karloff. Maud: Boris Karloff, ‘e were a monster. Dame Hilda: Don't say it, Evadne. Guide: Ladies and gentlemen... Dame Hilda: Quiet, Maud, the man's talking. Dame Hilda: Yes, but you know, Maud, if you spoke German with an English accent, you'd sound funny. Dame Hilda: And you see, Maud, now, you've got to be tolerant. Dame Hilda: Whatever are you scared of, Maud? Maud: There's no life jackets. Dame Hilda: Which feller, err... fellow? Dr. Hinge: It's not unusual for guides to wear uniforms, Maud. Maud: Well, I don't like it, ‘e could be one o’ them Gestapio men. Dr. Hinge: Don't talk rubbish, Maud. Dame Hilda: I must say, Maud, you are being rather foolish, Gestapo, mind you, Evadne, he does look a bit like Anton Diffring Maud: ‘e could be takin’ us to a secret place fer interrogation. Dame Hilda: All you have to do, dear, is give him your name, rank, and number. Dr. Hinge: Don't worry, Maud, I doubt if they'll make you do that. Dr. Hinge: You could be thrown into the lake. Maud: I don't want to be diggin’ tunnels to escape. Dame Hilda: Well, of course you don't, dear, how are you on the building wooden horses, though? Maud: What are you on about, Dame ‘ilda? Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry, Maud, I'll send you a red cross parcel. Maud: If I do escape, I'll disguise meself as a peasant. Dr. Hinge: You won't have to, Maud. Dame Hilda: I don't think I can stand it either, Maud, you should never have watched Colditz. Malcolm: Thank you, thank you, Arnold Stubbly for that marvellous monologue, don't worry about forgetting the last few verses, I'm sure Albert did escape from the lion. Only joking, only joking. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're nearing the finale of our end of holiday concert, and I would like to prevail on our two professional entertainers to round off the show for us. Ladies and gentlemen, Dame Evadne and Dr. Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, most unfortunate.
She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee, her dress has got to tear She waltzes on her way to Mass and whistles on the stair And underneath her wimple, she has curlers in her hair I’ve even heard her singing in the abbey She's always late for chapel, but her penitence is real She's always late for everything except for every meal I hate to have to say it, but I very firmly feel Maria's not an asset to the abbey I'd like to say a word on her behalf Then say it, Reverend Mother Maria makes me laugh How do you solve a problem like Maria How do you catch a cloud and pin it down How do you find a word that means Maria A flibbertigibbet, a Will ‘o the wisp, a clown. Many a thing she ought to understand But how do you make her stay and listen to what you say How do you catch a wave upon the sand? How do you solve a problem like Maria How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand
Dame Hilda: What a wonderful audience you are. And may I say, how much we've enjoyed your company throughout this holiday. Dr. Hinge: Danke schön, meine Damen und Herren. Dr. Hinge: That's German, for thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, well, very appropriate I'm sure, Evadne. However, to bring this little social evening to a close, I thought we might give you rather a lovely song. Because I feel it's been in keeping with this lovely hotel where we've been staying. A lovely chorus from the White Horse Inn.
When there comes a time for summer holidays That every wife will praise a change of air There's a spot for which I’m not ashamed to sigh For where the death am I when I cry there? The White Horse Inn at the White Horse Inn There's joy the whole summer through There's sunshine ever in store there Our happiness stands at the door there The days fly past, you must leave at last But still whatever you do You'll hear when twilight is falling The White Horse calling to you The White Horse Inn at the White Horse Inn There's joy the whole summer through There's sunshine ever in store there Our happiness stands at the door there The days fly past, you must leave at last But still whatever you do You'll hear when twilight is falling The White Horse calling to you The White Horse Inn
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
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