{Kitchen.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne! Evadne! Do hurry up, dear. I've made the toast and it's going cold.

Dr. Hinge: I told you I'd be down in ten minutes.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but that was over half an hour ago.

Dr. Hinge: Don't split hairs, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh dear, she's in a bad mood this morning, Milton. I say, your auntie Evadne is in a bad mood, darling. I think she got out of bed the wrong side. Yes, that's it, probably found herself in the wardrobe. Yes, I know you're a pretty boy. She would be bad tempered if she had to sleep like you, wouldn't she, Milton? On one leg with her head tucked under her arm, yes. Oh, hello, dear, you've finally condescended to join us, have you?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I have been searching for my old blue cardigan and I can't find it anywhere.

Dame Hilda: Well, you should have asked me, dear, shouldn't you? I know exactly where it is.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank goodness for that. Where is it?

Dame Hilda: I've given it to the church jumble sale.

Dr. Hinge: You’ve what?

Dame Hilda: I've given it to the jumble sale.

Dr. Hinge: What for?

Dame Hilda: I think it's for the church roof fund.

Dr. Hinge: In future, will you please consult me before giving away any more of my clothes?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, well, in that case, we better have a little chat about your grey skirt.

Dr. Hinge: You haven't sent that as well.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, I have. I didn't know you felt so strongly, you see, I mean, you could have gone to the jumble sale, it was only last night. I would imagine you could have got them both for a shilling.

Dr. Hinge: There are times, Hilda, when I really despair. And look at the toast, it's burnt black.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know. I've had to keep warming it up, you see.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm not eating it.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's a pity to waste it.

Dr. Hinge: Well, send it to the jumble sale, then.

Dame Hilda: Now, you're being silly, dear, Evadne, here, have some prunes, and I'm sorry they're black as well.

Dr. Hinge: Where's the morning paper, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: I'm sitting on it, there you are.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you. Oh, someone has started doing my crossword.

Dame Hilda: Really, dear?

Dr. Hinge: You know I like to do it myself.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but I've only done a couple of easy ones, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, I hope they're right, you've done them in ink.

Dame Hilda: Well, of course they're right, Evadne, look, eight across?

Dr. Hinge: You've put chutney.

Dame Hilda: That's right.

Dr. Hinge: But the clue says a Hollywood favourite.

Dame Hilda: Correct. And the answer is obviously chutney.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I have never heard of a film star called chutney.

Dame Hilda: It's nothing to do with the film stars, dear, that's just to mislead you.

Dr. Hinge: Well, where do you get chutney from?

Dame Hilda: The article in my magazine last week, you know, the one about Doris Day? Well, I'm almost certain it said that she liked to make her own chutney. So there's the proof, a Hollywood favourite, chutney.

Dr. Hinge: I don't believe it, Hilda, eight across could be any Hollywood film star with seven letters in his name. You leave clues like that until you've got some of the letters filled in.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I have, dear. I got ten down first.

Dr. Hinge: But you’ve put yoghurt.

Dame Hilda: That's right, so I knew that eight across must finish in a Y.

Dr. Hinge: But you don't spell yoghurt with two Gs.

Dame Hilda: I know, but you see, it wouldn't fit in otherwise.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, what a marvellous start to the day. You've given half my wardrobe away to the jumble sale, you've burned my toast, and now you've ruined my crossword.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, they say everything goes in threes.

Dr. Hinge: Does that mean I'm safe for the rest of the day?

Dame Hilda: Well, I should imagine so, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Good, I've earned it.

{Phone rings.}

Dr. Hinge: Stackton 295? Oh, just a minute…. The operator wants to know if we'll pay for the call from Stackton Parva.

Dame Hilda: Well, of course we will, dear. Who's ringing?

Dr. Hinge: Who's it calling, operator?... Oh, it's Maud. So you're wrong, Hilda, everything goes in fours.

Dame Hilda: It's not like Maud to reverse the charges.

Dr. Hinge: Knowing Maud, she's probably broken the coin box in the telephone kiosk. Hello, Maud…. Yes, she is. She wants to speak to you.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought she might.

Dr. Hinge: Whatever you do, don't invite her here today.

Dame Hilda: Hello, Maud…. No, dear, Doctor's not in a bad mood at all. In fact, she's feeling very benevolent this morning.

Dr. Hinge: She's not to come round here, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Very benevolent.

Dr. Hinge: The house is slowly dropping to pieces because of her. Every time she comes, she breaks something.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud, how awful, dear, when did you break it?

Dr. Hinge: See, she's at it all the time.

Dame Hilda: Well, look, Maud, I'll come and pick you up in the car, dear, and you can come back here and have lunch with us.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I don't want her in the house.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Maud, it was, she was just saying how nice it will be to see you again.

Dr. Hinge: Oooh, Hilda, you can be so frustrating.

Dame Hilda: Yes, she was just saying, Maud, it's no trouble at all, dear. Well, I won't be long, dear, bye-bye.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, why have you invited Maud for lunch when I specifically objected to her coming?

Dame Hilda: I had no alternative, dear, she was cleaning the church this morning and she had an accident.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, surprise, surprise! What's she done, knocked over the font? I heard you say she'd broken something.

Dame Hilda: She has, dear. Her arm.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see. Well, at least it doesn't belong to us. Anyway, what was she doing to break her arm?

Dame Hilda: She was practising cartwheels down the aisle for her audition at the Folies-Bergère.

Dr. Hinge: Really? Oh, Hilda, do be serious.

Dame Hilda: How do I know how she did it? You were doing more talking than she was.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, maybe I was a little hasty, but she's so clumsy.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, she's at the hospital at the moment, waiting to have her arm put in plaster, so that should reduce her damaging power by about 50%.

{Hospital.}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I hate hospitals, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I know what you mean, dear. It's that sickly smell, you know.

Dr. Hinge: It was quite appalling when we came down that corridor. I think we must just have passed the operating theatre.

Dame Hilda: Well, actually, we were just passing the kitchens, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, do you remember the last time we were sitting here in casualty?

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't, Evadne, wasn't it when poor Mr. Smollett fell down the steps of the pulpit?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear. And he had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and about 33 in his surplus.

Dr. Hinge: That must have been painful, but he bore it like a man.

Dame Hilda: Yes, cried all the way home.

Dr. Hinge: Of course, old Dr. Darcy dealt with him, didn't he?

Dame Hilda: Yes, and he did a good job on him, didn't he? Despite having to be fetched from the dog and gun. He retired shortly after that, didn't he?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. Where's he living now?

Dame Hilda: The dog and gun. Oh, look, that Doctor, dear. He's looking at us, yes, I wonder if he dealt with Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I think there's every chance, dear, he's come out of the recovery room.

MD: Oh, good morning, ladies, don't tell me you are Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, actually, I am.

MD: Oh, may I say what a great pleasure it is to meet you?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I suppose it must be. This is my colleague and lifelong companion, Dr. Hinge.

MD: How do you do, Doctor?

Dr. Hinge: How do you do, Doctor?

MD: Yes, but with me, it's broken bones, with you, Doctor, it's broken chords.

Dr. Hinge: Very good, isn't it, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, very good indeed. I wish I thought of that.

Dr. Hinge: Well, Dr. ermm​?

MD: Matthews.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you're no relation to dear Jessie, are you?

MD: Jessie?

Dame Hilda: Yes, you know, dear. Over my shoulder goes one care! Oop!

MD: No, no, I'm afraid I'm not.

Dr. Hinge: But you are new here, aren't you?

MD: Aye, I’ve been here about a week now.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought your coat was nice and white.

MD: Yeah, I suppose you want to see the patient.

Dr. Hinge: Not particularly.

Dame Hilda: Of course we do, Dr. Matthews.

MD: Well, she only regained consciousness about ten minutes ago.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, do you mean you had to put her to sleep?

MD: Aye, anaesthetic.

Dr. Hinge: Do you think I could have the recipe?

Dame Hilda: Now don’t be naughty dear. So, she's now wearing her pot arm, is she, Doctor?

MD: Aye, she is. Unfortunately, it took longer than it should have done. She knocked over the bowl containing the plaster of Paris.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if she can do that while she's under anaesthetic, you'll get some idea of what she's like when she's awake.

MD: She's having her second X-ray at the moment. Just to check that we've done our job properly.

Dr. Hinge: I hope your machine's insured.

Dame Hilda: And talk of the devil, here comes the walking wounded, come on, Maud.

Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, what a thing to ‘appen?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I know, dear. Thank you, nurse, we'll take over.

Maud: ‘ello, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Maud.

Maud: I mean, Doctor Matthews!

MD: And how are you feeling now, Miss Print?

Maud: Missus, well, still a bit groggy.

MD: Oh, well, don't worry, you'll soon be your usual self again.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear.

Maud: The lady gave me these X-ray pictures for you, Doctor.

MD: Ah, thank you. Oh, yes. Aye, that's fine.

Dame Hilda: Could I have a look, Doctor? Oh, yes. Oh, very nice, yes. Yes, could I order two postcards? And a big one for the mantelpiece.

MD: Well, I must be on my way now. I'll see you all tonight then, 7.30, I believe. Till then, goodbye.

Dame Hilda: Goodbye, Doctor. Maud, what's this 7.30 business?

Maud: I ‘ope you won't be cross, Dame ‘ilda, but The white rabbits ‘ave let ‘em down.

Dr. Hinge: She's delirious, dear.

Maud: I am not delirious. The white rabbits. You know, that concert party Mr Teasdale runs?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes.

Maud: Well, they were supposed to be entertaining in the main ‘all here tonight, and they've let ‘em down.

Dr. Hinge: I think I know what she's going to say next, Hilda.

Maud: So I've told ‘em, you'll do it.

Dr. Hinge: Bullseye.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see.

Maud: I said, Dame ‘ilda and the Doctor won't letee down. Well, I said, Dame ‘ilda won't anyway.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Maud.

Dame Hilda: Well, of course we won't, will we, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: We don't seem to have any alternative. But I agree, it's a very worthy cause.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, come along, Maud, let's tuck your coat sleeve in your pocket, dear, it's flapping about all over the place.

Maud: Oh, I shall be glad to be getting me coat off, it’s a bit uncomfortable under ‘ere, they had to cut the sleeve off me cardie to get me arm through.

Dame Hilda: Oh, what a shame, dear.

Maud: Oh, it didn't matter, ‘tis only an old scratty thing I got at the church jumble sale the other day.

Dr. Hinge: It isn't blue, is it?

Maud: Oh, I think it was once.

Dr. Hinge: How much did you pay for it, Maud?

Maud: Oh, I didn't pay anything. They had it left over and they were glad to give it away.

{Music room,}

Dame Hilda: I'd like to sing this one tonight, you know?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well then, dear, well, let's have a run through, shall we?

Maud: I ‘ope I'm not intruding.

Dame Hilda: No, of course you're not, come in, dear.

Dr. Hinge: She already is.

Dame Hilda: We're just having a quick rehearsal, Maud, but you're quite welcome to stay and listen.

Maud: Oh, thank you, Dame ‘ilda, I'd like that.

Dame Hilda: Well, I think you'll enjoy this one, Maud. It's one of your favourites from a little while ago, you know. Just settle yourself in the armchair there, dear, all right? That's it, all right then, Evadne, off we go, dear.

Shantytown, my heart is calling

Calling for you night and day

Idly dreaming of my lover

Left alone in Shantytown far away

Shield him from the winter’s blowing

He's the only man of mine

Keep his heart with memories flowing

Sorrowing and yearning, till my safe retuning

Shantytown, the world is rolling

Rolling on so deep and wide

You're so small, the world's so mighty

Me so lonely with you on the other side

I'm just a hungry stowaway wandering over the sea

Cold and lonely for one man only who waits for me

I'm going to keep his trail wherever he may roam

For day by day it's winding nearer home

Shantytown, my heart is calling

Calling for you night and day

Idly dreaming of my lover

Left alone in Shantytown far away

Far away

Far away

Far away

Far away

Far away

Far away

Far away

Dame Hilda: Good, dear, did you enjoy that, Maud?

Dr. Hinge: It's no good asking her, Hilda, she's asleep.

Dame Hilda: Oh. Maud!

Maud: Oh, sorry, oh, yes, yes, when you're ready, Dame ‘ilda, I'm listening.

Dame Hilda: We’ve sung it, dear.

Maud: Oh. Was it good?

Dr. Hinge: Very. We enjoyed your snores of approval.

Dame Hilda: Is your arm any easier, dear?

Maud: Me little finger's gone numb.

Dr. Hinge: With a bit of luck it might spread.

Maud: But apart from that, I'm a ‘undred percent, that little nap did me a world of good.

Dr. Hinge: In that case, we can take you home.

Maud: Oh, well, when I say a ‘undred percent, I mean apart from me arm throbbing and this ‘eadache I've got.

Dr. Hinge: Pity.

Dame Hilda: What you really need is something to take your mind off it.

Dr. Hinge: Shall we sing her to sleep again?

Dame Hilda: What about a little game or something, dear?

Maud:  ‘ey, I've got a good idea.

Dame Hilda: Oh, ok, Maud, what is it?

Maud:  I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

Dame Hilda: I think I spy is a bit childish, if you don't mind me saying so. I was thinking more on the lines of... Curtains?

Maud: No.

Dame Hilda: Cupboard?

Maud: No.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you're as bad as she is, it's quite ridiculous, two grown people sitting there playing... Carpet?

Maud: No.

Dr. Hinge: Clock?

Maud: No.

Dr. Hinge: Cushion?

Maud: No.

Dr. Hinge: Pathetic.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, it begins with a C, I know, Clothes brush?

Maud: No.

Dr. Hinge: Well, for goodness sake, tell us, Maud.

Maud: Do you give in?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we give in, what is it?

Maud: Mrs. Charlesworth.

Dr. Hinge: Mrs. Charlesworth! Where is Mrs. Charlesworth?

Maud: Well, I don't know where she is now, but when we started the game, she was just passin’ the window.

Dame Hilda: Oh, very good, Maud, I like that, dear, I must remember that one. Come on, Evadne, it's your turn.

Dr. Hinge: No, thank you, I refuse to participate in this inane activity.

Dame Hilda: Well, all right then, dear, we'll do something else. I know. Charades.

Dr. Hinge: That's even more childish than I spy.

Dame Hilda: Well, dear, you don't have to play if you don't want to. Right, Maud, now, this is a famous film star. January, February, March, April...

Maud: I'm not with you, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: This is her first name. January, February, March, April...

Maud: Easter!

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, no, no, concentrate, Maud. January, February, March, April...

Maud: Showers.

Dame Hilda: No.

Dr. Hinge: Patience, dear, after all, she is right, you know, April showers.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes. Well, we'll move on to the second name, Maud, North, South, East...

Maud: North, South, East... what?

Dame Hilda: That's what I want you to tell me, dear, the second name.

Maud: North, South, East…. weathercock?

Dame Hilda: No!

Dr. Hinge: I think Maud's right there, dear, you know. Surely you remember that famous film star, Showers Weathercock.

Dame Hilda: Would you kindly shut up, Evadne! Remember your place. Now, look, Maud, you've seen this person on the films a long time ago. January, February, March, April….First name, North, South, East... second name.

Maud: Oh, I've got it. Gandhi!

Dame Hilda: Gandhi?

Maud: Yes. It was all that North, South, East rubbish that put me off. Soon as you said ‘im on the films a long time ago, I knew it straight away.

Dr. Hinge: Come along, Hilda. let's have another one.

Dame Hilda: No, thank you. I know what we'll do. I spy with my little eye something beginning with I.

Dr. Hinge: Ignorance.

Dame Hilda: Very near, Evadne, very near.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Right, dear, have you packed all the music in your case?

Dr. Hinge: Well, just about all the music we have, Hilda, shall I put the piano in as well?

Dame Hilda: I was only asking, dear.

Dr. Hinge: All right, Hilda. Now, is Maud ready?

Dame Hilda: She won't be long, dear, she's upstairs.

Dr. Hinge: What's she doing upstairs?

Dame Hilda: Well, she can't go to the hospital concert in that old blue cardigan of yours.

Dr. Hinge: I won't argue with that.

Dame Hilda: So I've given her your new yellow one.

Dr. Hinge: You’ve what?

Dame Hilda: Well, mine didn't fit her, you see, dear.

Dr. Hinge: She hasn't cut the arm off, has she?

Dame Hilda: No, dear. She didn't need to, it has those nice baggy sleeves, so it really fits her quite nicely.

Dame Hilda: Hasn't it been a pleasant afternoon, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Thrilling, dear, I really enjoyed those two hours of snakes and ladders.

Dame Hilda: There's no need to be sarcastic, dear, just because you didn't win.

Dr. Hinge: I wasn't trying.

Dame Hilda: Neither was I, dear, but I kept winning.

Dr. Hinge: It was that stupid snake on 99, I couldn't keep away from it.

Dame Hilda: You should do what I do, dear, cheat!

Dr. Hinge: Now, you're sure it's right for us to wear evening dress at the hospital?

Dame Hilda: Of course it is, dear, after all, our audience will be wearing evening dress.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Pyjamas!

Dr. Hinge: Very droll, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I bet you wish you'd thought of that. Ah, here she is, come on in, Maud, we're just about ready.

Maud: This yellow cardie fits me a treat.

Dame Hilda: Yes, it goes awfully well with your green skirt.

Dr. Hinge: You only need a red hat, and she's a walking traffic light.

Dame Hilda: Well, I think we can be on our way.

Maud: ‘ere, let me carry your music case, Doctor. I do ‘ave one good arm.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no, no, no. I would rather you didn't. I can manage quite well on my own, besides, you’re only goin...

Dame Hilda: What she means is, it's probably too heavy for you, Maud, now, come along, let's be off. Goodbye, Milton, darling, be a good boy, keep out the burglars.

{Crash.}

Dr. Hinge: Oooh! Ooh!

Maud: Oh. Dame ‘ilda, Doctor's dropped the music case on ‘er foot. That was very clumsy of you, Doctor.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, are you all right, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Of course I'm not. I think I've broken my toe.

Dame Hilda: What a shame, just as we were leaving, we'll have to change all our plans now and go to the hospital.

Maud:  But Dame ‘ilda, we're going to the ‘ospital.

Dame Hilda: It was a joke, Maud.

{Hospital.}

MD: Now, Doctor Hinge, does that hurt?

Dr. Hinge: Oooh! No.

MD: Well, I'm happy to say it isn't broken, but it is badly bruised.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank goodness.

Dame Hilda: I'm so pleased, dear, now, will you be able to play the piano?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I haven't bruised my fingers, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: I know, dear, but you have to use the pedals, don't you?

Dr. Hinge: I can manage a little pressure, I think.

Dame Hilda: Good. Well, are we ready to face our audience? Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: What are you laughing at, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, I was just thinking, dear. It could have been very funny for a Doctor to get up on stage in the hospital and say, is there a pianist in the house?

Dr. Hinge: Very funny, Hilda. Yes, I like that.

MD: Ladies, ladies, if you're ready to make your entrance, we go through that door over there. So, Doctor, if you would like to limp this way.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank you very much.

Dame Hilda: Very droll, yes, lovely. There we are, {Applause.} thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Well, good evening, everybody, you know you do look nice in your lovely white outfits.
It’s lovely and sparkling in here, lovely shiny floor, yes. Now, first of all, to start off our little piece for you this evening, we've got a lovely number. And this is one of our favourites from The Sound of Music. And in this, Doctor Hinge will be singing the roles of Sister Bertha, Sister Margaretha, and I shall be playing the role of the Reverend Mother. And it's the lovely song, Maria, from Act One. Hope you'll all enjoy it, all right.

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee, her dress has got to tear

She waltzes on her way to Mass and whistles on the stair

And underneath her wimple, she has curlers in her hair

I’ve even heard her singing in the abbey

She's always late for chapel, but her penitence is real

She's always late for everything except for every meal

I hate to have to say it, but I very firmly feel

Maria's not an asset to the abbey

I'd like to say a word on her behalf

Then say it, Reverend Mother

Maria makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Maria

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down

How do you find a word that means Maria

A flibbertigibbet, a Will ‘o the wisp, a clown.

Many a thing you knew you'd like to tell her

Many a thing she ought to understand

But how do you make her stay and listen to what you say

How do you catch a wave upon the sand?

[Speaker 2]
How do you solve a problem like Maria

How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand

[Speaker 1]
When I'm with her, I'm confused

Out of focus and confused

And I never know exactly where I am

Unpredictable as weather

She's a sprightly as a feather

She's a demon.

She's a darling

She's a lamb.

She'll out pester any pest

Drive a hornet from it’s nest

She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl.

She is gentle.

She is wise.

She's a riddle.

She's a trial.

She's a headache

She's an angel

She's a girl

How do you solve a problem like Maria

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down

How do you find a word that means Maria

A flibbertigibbet, a Will ‘o the wisp, a clown.

Many a thing you knew you'd like to tell her

Many a thing she ought to understand

But how do you make her stay and listen to what you say

How do you catch a wave upon the sand?

How do you solve a problem like Maria

How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor