{Drawing room.}

Wireless: And now it's time for us to leave the busy market town of Watlington. Next week, Down your way goes to Stackton Tressel, I hope you'll join us there. Until then, goodbye.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Hilda, wake up! Hilda!

Dame Hilda: What is it, Evadne, are we on fire, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Did you hear what he said?

Dame Hilda: Who, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  The man on the wireless.

Dame Hilda: What man?

Dr. Hinge: The man who's just been talking on the wireless.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Scattered showers, wind lights tomorrow.

Dr. Hinge: What are you talking about?

Dame Hilda: Well, the weather forecast, man.

Dr. Hinge:  That was an hour ago.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, it'll probably have blown itself away by now. Anyway, what is all this fuss about?

Dr. Hinge:  They're coming down our way.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, have you been at the sherry, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  Of course I haven't. Down your way is coming this way, down our way.

Dame Hilda: Doesn't that Frank Sinatra sing that?

Dr. Hinge:  You know the radio programme, Down Your Way, with Brian Johnston?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I'm with you now.

Dr. Hinge: Well, they're coming here, to Stackton.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, isn't that marvellous? I mean, he's bound to interview us, of course.

Dr. Hinge: Well, of course.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and you, Milton, yes, he may even interview you, darling, yes, would you like to be on the wireless, Milton? Look at him, Evadne, he's bobbing up and down on his perch, it must be the excitement.

Dr. Hinge: More likely indigestion, dear.

Dame Hilda: Well, I've just thought of a suitable piece of music he could choose.

Dr. Hinge: What's that, dear?

Dame Hilda: Whistle While You Work, and for an encore, I lift up my finger and I say, tweet, tweet.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, very good, dear.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: Oh, now I wonder who that is.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, I expect it's the BBC, dear, wanting to know if Milton's available for Around Britain quiz.

Dame Hilda: Stackton 295... Oh, hello, Tom... Yes, Tom… No, no, she isn't Tom... Well, no, just a minute, Tom...Evadne, it's Tom.

Dr. Hinge: I gathered it wasn't Arthur, dear.

Dame Hilda: You were saying, Tom... Oh, it's you, Arthur... Oh, goodness me...Well, that is worrying.

Dr. Hinge: What is it, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: It's Maud.

Dr. Hinge: I thought it was Arthur.

Dame Hilda: It is Arthur, but it's about Maud, apparently, she's missing.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Arthur. Well, we'll certainly do that, yes, we're both very concerned. Bye-bye, dear. Evadne, put your coat on, we're going to look for Maud, they haven't seen her for four hours.

Dr. Hinge:  Lucky for them.

Dame Hilda: She set off to see us and should have arrived back home ages ago.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, it isn't like Arthur to be worried, dear.

Dame Hilda: No, but he can't find the tea bags.

Dr. Hinge: It's also very unusual for Maud to come here on a Sunday without prior warning.

Dame Hilda: Well, it was a special visit. To bring us some of her homemade raspberry jam.

Dr. Hinge: We haven't started the last lot she made, dear.

Dame Hilda: We're not likely to, I buried it in the garden.

{Door slams!}

Maud: Dame ‘ilda? Dame ‘ilda? Are you there, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne. she’s safe and sound? I'm here, Maud.

Dr. Hinge:  Huh!

Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda. I've ‘ad a terrible time.

Dame Hilda: Maud, what are you doing in your stocking feet?

Maud: Well, I've left me slippers in the porch.

Dame Hilda: Why, dear?

Maud: Well, they're full o’ jam.

Dame Hilda: Did you run out of jam jars?

Maud: No, they're not full o’ jam, but they're all jammed up. I've ‘ad a bit of an accident, you see, I was carrying me jars o’ jam in a cardboard box and the bottom gave way.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, and, of course, all the jam fell out, did it?

Maud:  No, only three jars. I got me arms underneath the box quick like, you see, and saved the rest.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good.

Maud: Then I ‘ad a bit o’ bad luck, I bent down to pick up the broken glass and all the rest fell out.

Dr. Hinge: Sounds like a normal, quiet Sunday, Maud.

Dame Hilda: We were very concerned about you, dear, because, you see, Arthur rang and he wanted to know where the tea bags were.

Maud: That's what ‘e told you, ‘e's checking on me, see, very possessive, Arthur is, ‘e ‘as a jealous streak in ‘im, likes to know where I am and who I'm with.

Dame Hilda: I wouldn't have said Arthur was the jealous type, Maud.

Maud: Oh, yes, ‘e can turn very nasty if another man so much as looks at me.

Dr. Hinge:  You mean it's actually happened?

Maud: Only the once, like an animal, he was, like an animal.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I don't think we want to go into that, dear.

Maud: Oh, it was a ‘orrifying experience, well, I'll tell you this. I daresn’t mention the words...Bognor Regis!

Dr. Hinge:  I think we should change the subject, dear, don't you?

Dame Hilda: Well, now, you won't have heard the good news then, Maud, we're going to be on the wireless.

Maud:  Oh, that's nice.

Dame Hilda: You know that Down your way programme?

Maud: No.

Dame Hilda: But you must do, Maud, Brian Johnston.

Maud: Who?

Dame Hilda: Brian Johnston.

Maud:  Never ‘eard of ‘im.

Dame Hilda: Of course you have, Maud.

Maud:  Is ‘e one of these punk rockers?

Dame Hilda: Maud, he's been on television.

Maud: Oh, I only watches Magic roundabout.

Dame Hilda: He does the cricket, Maud.

Maud: Oh, daft game.

Dame Hilda: Well, anyway, he's coming here.

Maud:  Well, ‘e's not getting me playing cricket.

{Railway station.}

Dame Hilda: Can you see him, dear?

Dr. Hinge: No, I don't know what he looks like.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do, look, there he is, that's him over there.

Dr. Hinge: How do you know if you've never met him?

Dame Hilda: Well, I know his voice, dear, you see, and that man over there looks just as if he would have a voice like Brian Johnston's.

Dr. Hinge: Hmm. Well, why is he getting his bike out of the guard's van?

Dame Hilda: Ah, so he is, well, it must be that other gentleman over there, I know it's one of the two.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, congratulations, Hilda, there were only two men got off the train.

Dame Hilda: Yoo-hoo, Mr. Johnston.

Mr. Johnston: Hello, ladies. What a pleasant surprise, a reception committee.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, it's the least we could do, Mr. Johnston, recognised you straight away, of course. Anyway, now, I'm Dame Hilda Bracket, dear, and this is my colleague and oldest friend, the Doctor.

Mr. Johnston: Well, what an honour. I've heard of you, Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought you might.

Dr. Hinge:  Have you heard of me, Mr. Johnston?

Mr. Johnston: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name.

Dame Hilda: No, he hasn't heard of you, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Doctor Evadne Hinge.

Mr. Johnston: But, of course, lovely to meet you.

Dame Hilda: Now, the reason we're here, Brian... I can call you Brian, can't I?

Mr. Johnston: Of course you can, certainly.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good, and you can call me Dame Hilda. The reason that we're here is that you're staying at our house.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we've aired the bed and we're sure you'll be very comfortable.

Mr. Johnston: Well, actually, ladies, I've booked a room at the Rose and Crown.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we know. That's why we cancelled it, you see.

Dame Hilda: You wouldn't have liked it, Brian, it's terribly noisy.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, and they have one of those dreadful jukebox things.

Dame Hilda: And you know, some nights it's blaring away till 8.30.

Mr. Johnston:  It's very kind of you, but I feel I ought to decline your offer, you see, I've confirmed my room in writing to the landlord.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, we know. That's why he was delighted when we came to the rescue, because, you see, he’d double booked the room.

Dame Hilda: So it's a case of either you stay with us or you share a room with a fertiliser salesman from Bury St. Edmunds.

{Dining room.}

Dame Hilda: A little more stroganoff, Brian?

Mr. Johnston: Yes, please, Dame Hilda. It's quite the nicest I've ever tasted.

Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you.

Dr. Hinge: Tell me, how many places have you actually visited with Down Your Way, Brian?

Mr. Johnston: Well, the programme has been to over 1,400.

Dame Hilda: Good heavens, you'll soon have to be starting again.

Mr. Johnston: Well, mind you, I've only done about 260 myself, my two predecessors did most of the others, you see.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see. So in cricket parlance, as we say, you're 1,400 for three, last man 2060

Mr. Johnston: Not out.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, very good, Brian.

Mr. Johnston: Yes, it was rather, wasn't it?

Dame Hilda: Ah, Maud, coffee, dear.

Maud: Yes, I put it in the music room.

Dame Hilda: Ah, yes, what a splendid idea, Now, come along, Brian, and after you, Evadne. Are you coming, Maud?

Maud: Well, I was going to wash up the dishes.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, please don't, Maud, the longer you leave them, the longer we shall have them.

Dame Hilda: And just across the hall, Brian, after you.

{Music room.}

Mr. Johnston: Oh, what a lovely room.

Dame Hilda: Yes, we're very fond of it, too.

Mr. Johnston: And what a superb piano.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, my pride and joy.

Maud: Dame ‘ilda, should I mend the fire?

Dr. Hinge:  Don't tell me you've broken that, Maud.

Dame Hilda: I think that'll do for now, dear. Sit down, Brian.

Mr. Johnston: Thank you. I suppose you get fed up with people always asking you to perform.

Both: Yes/no!

Dr. Hinge: Well, of course we do, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: But it depends on who's doing the asking, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, yes, yes, of course there is that.

Dame Hilda: I mean, if Brian wanted us to sing a little something for him, we'd obviously be delighted. Get on the piano, Evadne, I think maybe a nice little song that is, you know, from one of Gilbert and Sullivan's lovely pieces, Brian, you will like this, from Utopia Limited, called Bold-faced ranger.

Bold- faced ranger

Perfect stranger

Meets two well behaved young ladies

He’s attractive

Young and active

Each a little bit afraid is

Youth Advances

At his glances

To their danger

They repel him

As they tell him

He is very much mistaken

Very, very much mistaken

Though they speak to him politely

Please observe they’re sneering slightly

Just to show he’s acting vainly

This is virtue saying vainly

Go away young bachelor

We are not what you take us for

When addressed impertinently

English ladies answer gently

Go away young bachelor

We are not what you take us for

When addressed impertinently

English ladies answer gently

Go away young bachelor

We are not what you take us for

Pray observe this cogent moral

English ladies never quarrel

When a doubt they come across

English ladies always toss

Mr. Johnston: Marvellous, ladies, absolutely first class.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Brian.

Dame Hilda: Well, I was wondering, Brian, do you ever get anybody down your way who, well, who say they play a musical instrument or sing, somebody who wants to do it on the programme?

Mr. Johnston:  Oh, yes. Every village has its odd characters.

Dame Hilda: Oh.

Mr. Johnston: When I said odd, I didn't mean odd in the sense of odd, I mean odd.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, well, I'm glad you clarified that for us, I understand perfectly.

Dr. Hinge: I wish I did.

Mr. Johnston: Well, as every village has the odd poet.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now I'm with you.

Mr. Johnston: I remember one character I met, now, where was it now? Oh, yes, Bognor Regis.

Maud: Where?

Mr. Johnston:  Bognor Regis.

Maud: Do you know Bognor Regis? ‘ave you been to Bognor?

Mr. Johnston:  Oh, I've been there many times, yes.

Maud: Did you ever see a feller there with red ‘air?

Mr. Johnston: Well, I suppose I must have done, yes.

Maud: You won't breathe a word to Arthur about ‘im.

Mr. Johnston: I won't, of course I won't, no. You know, I'm really looking forward to getting out and about in Stackton Tressel tomorrow. And I'll try and get back here about four o'clock, can I, and interview the two of you here in this room.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you mean we're going to be on the programme? Oh, what a surprise, isn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we'd never imagined in our wildest dreams.

Dame Hilda: Don't overdo it, dear, roll on tomorrow.

{Next day.}

Dame Hilda: Maud's had a marvellous idea.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no.

Dame Hilda: Yes, she's bringing Sexton Tweddle round.

Dr. Hinge:  What?

Dame Hilda: He wants to play his trombone for Brian.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, how embarrassing.

Dame Hilda: I agree, dear, but Maud thought that the BBC might be looking for talent.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, if they are, Sexton Tweddle, won't be able to help them.

Dame Hilda: Ah, sounds like Brian. We're in the music room, Brian, oh, come in, dear, have you had a good day?

Mr. Johnston: Yes, a splendid day. I think it's going to be a very good programme.

Dr. Hinge:  Who did you interview then, Brian?

Mr. Johnston: Well, a dear friend of yours, I believe, Miss Primley.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Headmistress of Stackton Girls High, strange woman, Brian.

Mr. Johnston: Oh, I thought she was rather charming.

Dame Hilda: Oh, she is, oh, she's very charming, yes. When I said strange, I meant strange in a charming way.

Dr. Hinge: Did she read some of her poems to you?

Mr. Johnston: Yes, she did.

Dame Hilda: Dreadful, aren't they?

Mr. Johnston: I thought they were quite good.

Dame Hilda: Oh, they are, in fact, they're very good. When I said dreadful, I meant they were dreadfully good.

Dr. Hinge: Had she written a poem to celebrate your visit?

Mr. Johnston: Yes, as a matter of fact, she had.

Dame Hilda: I thought she might.

Mr. Johnston: It was called Sluice gates in a Vacuum.

Dame Hilda: Dreadfully good, yes, ha, ha, ha!

Mr. Johnston: Well, if anything, it was a little out of my depth.

Dame Hilda: Well, that's probably the reason for the Sluice gates.

Dr. Hinge:  And tell me, Brian, what was her choice of record? Handel's Water Music.

Dame Hilda: Oh, very good, dear.

Mr. Johnston: Now, shall we start your interview, ladies?

Dame Hilda: Certainly, yes, now, is my hair all right, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: For the radio, I should think so, dear, yes.

Mr. Johnston: All right, well, just give me a minute to get the microphone sorted out.

{Door slams!}

Dame Hilda: Oh, that'll be Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Shouldn't we explain to Brian, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, yes, actually, it's most embarrassing, Brian, because Maud's bringing Ernie Tweddle round, he's her brother-in-law, isn't he? The local Sexton.

Dr. Hinge: Get to the point, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, he plays the trombone, you see, Brian.

Mr. Johnston: Oh, splendid.

Dame Hilda: No, it isn't, he thinks you can audition him for the BBC.

Mr. Johnston: But I can't do that.

Dr. Hinge: Well, he can't play the trombone, so you start equal.

Dame Hilda: Ah, Maud, and Sexton, do come in.

Maud: Now, come in, Ernie, don't be shy, ‘e's very shy, Mr Johnston, but for ‘is first piece, ‘e's going to play...

Dame Hilda: No, not yet, Maud. Err, Sexton, this is Mr Brian Johnston from the BBC.

Mr. Johnston: How do you do? I've heard a lot about you.

Maud: ‘e's very shy, Mr Johnston, but for ‘is first piece, ‘e's going to play...

Dr. Hinge: Not yet Maud.

Maud: But ‘e's been practising ever since ‘alf past five this morning.

Dame Hilda: What a shame to ruin the dawn chorus like that.

Dr. Hinge: You see, Sexton, Mr Johnston doesn't really take auditions for the BBC.

Maud: Oh. I thought ‘e were important.

Dame Hilda: Oh, he is, but that's not his department. You see, they probably have a man who is an expert in trombonology, isn't that so, Brian?

Mr. Johnston: Yes, absolutely, yes.

Dr. Hinge: What Hilda's trying to say, Maud, is he's wasting his time.

Mr. Johnston:  I've no objection to listening to Mr Tweddle.

Dame Hilda: You haven't heard him yet.

Maud: Right, Ernie, now, where's the best place for ‘im to stand?

Dame Hilda: Ideally on top of the church tower, I would say.

Maud: I've told ‘im to jazz it up a bit.

Dr. Hinge:  Er... Hilda, I think you'd better cover Milton.

Maud: Now, come on, Ernie, right on man, they all say that, you know, these jazzers.

Dame Hilda: Fascinating, or should I say cool, baby?

Maud: Now, after three, Ernie... One, two…

Mr. Johnston:  Just a minute. You haven't told us what he's going to play yet.

Dame Hilda: It doesn't make any difference.

Maud: For ‘is first piece, ‘e's going to play when the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbing along...

Dame Hilda: Oh, goodness!

Maud: There'll be no more sobbing when ‘e starts bobbing...

Dame Hilda: Maud! Yes, all right. Now, come on, Evadne on the piano.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, very well.

Maud: Right, now, after three. One, two, three...

Trombone plays badly.

{Railway station.}

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm afraid it's goodbye, Brian.

Mr. Johnston: Yes, and I've had a wonderful time, and thank you both for your kind hospitality.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's been a pleasure, dear.

Dame Hilda: And you're sure our interview was all right?

Mr. Johnston: Yes, perfect.

Dame Hilda: I mean, you have got it in the can, as we say in the profession.

Mr. Johnston: Yes, no problem at all, very pleased with it.

Dame Hilda: Well, we shall certainly look forward to listening on Sunday.

Dr. Hinge: Which reminds me, dear, we must replace the batteries in the portable radio.

Dame Hilda: Well, we shan't be listening on that, Evadne, it's very poor sound quality, you know, dear. We can hear it on the radiogram.

Mr. Johnston: Well, thank you once again.

Dr. Hinge: Now, we look forward to hearing you in the summer, you know. Glances to leg and a maiden over wicket.

Dame Hilda: Give our regards to Sir Leonard.

Mr. Johnston: I will indeed. Goodbye.

Dr. Hinge:  Goodbye, Brian.

Dame Hilda: Goodbye, Brian. Yes, well batted, till 5.15 on Sunday.

{Sunday.}

Dame Hilda: The programme's going very well, Evadne?

{Phone rings.}

Dr. Hinge:  Who's that?

Dame Hilda:  Stackton 295. Whoever you are, can you be brief? We're listening to Down Your Way, and we're on next... Oh, hello, Miss Primley... yes, you were very good... lovely interview, the poetry was beautiful.

Dr. Hinge: Get rid of her, Hilda. We're going to miss our bit.

Dame Hilda: Yes, it was a very nice choice of music too, Miss Primley, whoever the six pistols are? Yes, I'll speak to you later, dear, goodbye.

Dr. Hinge: Stupid woman.

Dame Hilda: Well, now, we shall be on next, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear Brian, saving us to the last.

Dame Hilda:  Top of the bill, you might say.

Dr. Hinge: But of course.

Wireless: Well, I couldn't very well come to Stackton Tressel without visiting the home of the two charming ladies who do so much for the cultural life of the community. Dame Hilda Bracket and Dr. Evadne Hinge. I'm sitting with them now in their beautiful music room. Dame Hilda, I'd like to have a word with you first. How long…

Dame Hilda: Evadne, the wireless has gone off.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, Hilda, what's happened?

Dame Hilda: Well, don't ask me, Evadne, just get it working, I'm on the wireless.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you're not on ours.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, give it a thump.

{Thump!}

Dame Hilda: Oh, now, look, that hasn't done a thing.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it has. It's nearly broken my arm.

Dame Hilda: Well, now, let me try.

{Thump!}

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's no good, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, the portable, the portable upstairs, I'll go and get it, and at least we'll be able to hear my interview after yours.

Dame Hilda: I shouldn't bother, Evadne, I didn't buy any batteries.

Dr. Hinge: What? Hilda, I did ask you to get some.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm sorry, dear.

Dr. Hinge: But I'm on the wireless now.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, you're not on ours, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Stupid wireless. Hilda, it could be the fuse in the plug.

Dame Hilda: Well, don't stand talking about it.

Dr. Hinge: Well, where's the screwdriver?

Dame Hilda: How do I know where the screwdriver is? Why can't you use your scissors? Oh, Evadne, do hurry up, for goodness sake do something, quickly.

Dr. Hinge: Thank goodness there’s a spare fuse the house.

Dame Hilda: Well, quickly, then, now, plug it in.

Dr. Hinge: That's the music we chose, Hilda, well, the tail end of it.

Dame Hilda: We've missed everything, Evadne.

Mr. Johnston: I've moved now from the home of Dame Hilda and the Doctor and I am with a most interesting character.

Dame Hilda: There's someone else.

Mr. Johnston: Maud Print.

Dr. Hinge: I don't believe it.

Mr. Johnston: Maud, you've been a close friend of Dame Hilda and the Doctor for many years now, haven't you?

Maud: Two of the nicest people you could wish to meet.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, bless her.

Maud: Especially Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: You spoke too soon, dear.

Mr. Johnston: And you've got a little surprise for the ladies, haven't you?

Maud: Yes, well, I ‘ave this old gramophone record they made years ago and I thought it would be nice if you could play it like as a token of my appreciation for what they've done for me over the years.

Dr. Hinge: I forgive you, Maud.

Maud: Especially Dame ‘ilda.

Mr. Johnston: Thank you, Maud. A lovely thought. So here are Dame Hilda Bracket and Doctor Evadne Hinge singing The Donkey Duet.

Trot here and there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

Trot here and there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

I feel so happy all the while

That I could laugh without knowing why

Somehow when I see her smile

Very sad and mournful am I

And the donkeys such a dear

But capricious I’m afraid.

It’s less capricious though I fear

Than one coquettish little maid

Trot here and there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

Trot here and there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor