If that is so
sing derry down derry
It’s evident
very
Our tastes are
one
Away we’ll go
And merrily
marry
Nor tardily
tarry
Till day is
done
Sing derry
down derry
Nor tardily
tarry
Till day is
done
Dame Hilda:
Now then, did you enjoy that, Jean-Pierre?
Jean-Pierre:
Oh, formidable, Hilda, excellent, sensational!
Dame Hilda: Well, of course, the French always did have
good taste.
Jean-Pierre: You sing some more songs, eh?
Dr. Hinge: Oh, we'd love to, of course, Jean-Pierre, but
time is pressing.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
you see, we have a rather important meeting this
evening, dear.
Jean-Pierre: We are meeting who?
Dr. Hinge:
Whom?
Dame Hilda: Yes, that's what he wanted to know, dear.
The vicar's coming round, you see, Jean-Pierre. You
remember meeting the vicar at the cricket match
yesterday?
Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, oui, Mr. Vicar.
Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, that's right. Well, the three of
us form the church social committee and he's the
chairman.
Jean-Pierre: Pardon?
Dame Hilda: He takes the chair.
Jean-Pierre: And where does he take the chair?
Dr. Hinge: Patience, dear, patience.
Dame Hilda:
Sorry, Jean-Pierre, the thing is, you will be on
your own for an hour or two, you know, on your own,
seul?
Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, seul, oui, oui.
Dame Hilda: I mean, there's really nothing to French, is
there, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Not
the way you speak it, Hilda.
Jean-Pierre: Oh, I go down to pub house, play double
tops, have a pint of bitter.
Dame Hilda: Well done, Jean-Pierre. Another three days
here and we'll have him calling the bingo.
Jean-Pierre: Bingo? What is a bingo?
Dame Hilda: Oh, you know, all the twos, quack, quack.
Jean-Pierre:
Quack, quack.
Dame Hilda:
What's the French for quack, quack, Evadne?
Dr. Hinge: Sort of quack, quack with a French accent.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes. Did you get that, Jean-Pierre? Je quack. Nous
quackons. Vous quackez. Ha,
ha, ha!
Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilda, but the vicar's arrived.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, splendid. Would you ask him to come in, Maud?
Maud: Come in ‘ere, Vicar! {Shouts!}
Dame Hilda: I didn't know he was in the cellar, Maud.
Ah, hello, Donald.
Donald:
Good evening, Hilda. Good evening, Evadne.
Dr. Hinge:
Hello, Donald.
Dame Hilda: You
remember Jean-Pierre from yesterday, don't you, Donald?
Donald: Oh, yes, indeed. Yes, the Spanish gentleman.
Dame Hilda:
Err... French.
Donald: Yes, yes, I thought so. But I thought he was
returning home today, you know. Madrid or wherever it
is.
Dr. Hinge: No, he's staying on for a few more days,
Donald.
Donald:
Oh, splendid, yes.
Dame Hilda:
Jean-Pierre is going down to the Goat in spats
for a glass of something. Maud, would you like to go
with him?
{Door slams!}
Dame Hilda: No,
she wouldn't. Right, we'll see you later then,
Jean-Pierre, see vous later.
Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, Hilda. Au revoir. Goodbye,
Mr. Vicar.
Donald:
Yes, hasta la vista.
Dame Hilda: Lovely man, Donald.
Donald: Oh, yes, indeed, looks a decent sort of chap,
could be English.
Dame Hilda: Or
even Chinese, if he was a different colour.
Dr. Hinge: Might I suggest we get on with the meeting,
Hilda?
Dame Hilda:
Ready when you are.
Donald: Right. Well, first of all, I would like to thank
you both for turning out on such a shocking night.
Dr. Hinge: That seems a little pointless, if I may say
so, Mr. Chairman.
Dame Hilda:
I agree. I mean, as we're holding the meeting in
our house, you're the one who's had to turn out.
Donald: Yes, yes. Well then, I would like to thank me
for turning out on such a shocking night.
Dame Hilda:
Carried unanimously, off we go, Mr. Chairman.
Donald:
Yes, good, right, minutes of the last meeting.
Maud: Are you ready for the tea, Dame ‘ilda?
Dr. Hinge: We
haven't started the meeting yet, Maud.
Maud:
Good, because I haven't made it yet.
Dr. Hinge: Well, why did you barge in here and ask us if
we were ready for it?
Maud:
Because as soon as you're ready for it, I'll make
it! Must be nice to be perfect.
Donald: Ah, yes, minutes of the last meeting.
Dame Hilda: You've upset her now, Evadne.
Dr. Hinge: I
don't care, Hilda.
Donald: Minutes
of the last meeting.
Dame Hilda: I bet she doesn't bring you a biscuit.
Donald:
Minutes... minutes of the last meeting.
Dame Hilda: Or a piece of coconut cake.
Donald: Ladies, can we get on?
Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, of course we can, sorry, Donald,
and carry on, Mr. Chairman.
Donald: Minutes of the last meeting. Yes, present are
Dame Hilda Bracket, Dr. Evadne Hinge and the Chairman.
It was proposed by Dr. Evadne Hinge and seconded by Dame
Hilda Bracket that our next social event be a grand
concert.
Dame Hilda: Now, I'm sorry, Mr. Chairman, but I think I
proposed it.
Dr. Hinge: No,
dear, I proposed it.
Dame Hilda:
No, no, I'm sorry, Evadne, I proposed it, and you
seconded it, didn't you? I can remember it quite
clearly, dear. You'll have to change it round, Mr.
Chairman.
Donald: Oh, yes, yes, yes, I will. It was proposed by
Dame Hilda Bracket and seconded by Dr. Evadne Hinge
that...
Dame Hilda:
You know I think you're right, Evadne. I was confusing
it with the jubilee concert.
Dr. Hinge:
Thank you.
Dame Hilda: Change it back again, Donald, will you,
dear?
Donald: Yes, yes, of course. It was proposed by Dr.
Evadne Hinge and seconded by Dame Hilda Bracket that our
next social event should be a grand concert. Dr. Hinge
said that she would devise the show and report at the
next meeting, Dame Hilda said she would produce it. The
meeting was then closed.
Dame Hilda:
Right, well, come along, dear, do your reporting.
Dr. Hinge:
Thank you. Now, I've done an awful lot of work on
this idea.
Dame Hilda: She has, Donald, it's quite right. She's
been working on it for hours on end, yes, and she hasn't
let me see a word of it, you know.
Dr. Hinge: I have the script here.
Dame Hilda:
Of course, it's terribly exciting for me, you
see, because I know now how they must have felt when
they unrolled the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Dr. Hinge: Are you insinuating, Hilda, that my jokes
will be old?
Dame Hilda:
I didn't think there'd be any jokes in it, dear.
I mean, people don't normally laugh at our musical
concerts, I mean, apart from the time the piano lid fell
on your fingers.
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, well, you see, Hilda, this isn't exactly a
musical concert.
Dame Hilda: But
we always do musical concerts.
Dr. Hinge: I know, that's why I thought we should have a
change, and I have written a pantomime.
Dame Hilda: What an original idea, a pantomime in
August.
Dr. Hinge:
I'm glad you like it, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: Like it? I think it's stupid. What do you
think, Donald?
Donald: No, I don't remember the piano lid falling on
Evadne's fingers at all.
Dame Hilda: Oh, he's gone.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
well, I've written a pantomime, and if you don't like
it, you can write a show yourself.
Dame Hilda: Oh, no, I didn't say I didn't like it, no,
no, I said, um... what did I say, Donald?
Donald: It must have been when I was in hospital with my
leg.
Dame Hilda: What
must?
Donald: When the
piano lid fell on Evadne's fingers.
Dr. Hinge: Look, I am proposing that we perform my
pantomime for our next show.
Donald:
A pantomime? Oh, splendid idea, yes, I'll second
it.
Dr. Hinge: Carried unanimously, I shall read it to you.
Babes in the Wood.
Dame Hilda: Oh, good title, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Act
one, scene one. Midnight in the Forest.
Dame Hilda: Any particular forest, dear.
Dr. Hinge:
What do you mean?
Dame Hilda:
Well, I mean, is it Epping, Sherwood or the one over
Stackton Downs?
Dr. Hinge: Well, as a matter of fact, it is Sherwood,
but it doesn't make any difference at all.
Dame Hilda:
Well, it does to me, dear, you see, I'm trying to
imagine it in my mind, right? Well, I've got Sherwood
Forest, carry on.
Dr. Hinge: The
Wicked Witch is sitting, stirring her cauldron.
Dame Hilda: I'm sorry to interrupt you, dear, but I
don't think Babes in the Wood has a Wicked Witch.
Dr. Hinge:
I know, but I had to find a suitable part for
Maud, you see. Anyway, she stirs the contents of her
cauldron and says in a frenzied, half-witted voice,
which Maud should do to perfection, I am bad, I am not
good, I cast this spell on the Babes in the Wood.
Dame Hilda: Yes, I mean, it's not exactly Dylan Thomas,
is it, dear?
Dr. Hinge:
No, no, no, it's me, may I proceed?
Dame Hilda: Oh,
please do.
Dr. Hinge: Thank
you, and at this point, you see Maud, as the evil,
wicked, horrible witch, stands on a rock in triumph.
Now, I’ve just had marvellous idea? She falls into the
cauldron and drowns.
Maud: Oh! I've made the tea, whether you're ready or
not, I've put a few biscuits on the plate.
Dame Hilda: Why are they all broken, dear?
Maud: They fell
off.
Dr. Hinge: And
what about the coconut cake, Maud?
Maud: I trod on it.
Dame Hilda:
What you might call desecrated coconut.
Dr. Hinge: Very good, dear.
Dame Hilda:
I bet you wish you'd thought of that.
Dr. Hinge: Not really, dear, no.
Dame Hilda:
Maud, we're going to have a pantomime.
Maud: Oh, I like
pantomimes. I once played Dandini.
Dr. Hinge:
You're sure it wasn't Dan Leno? Anyway, when do you want
to start rehearsing, Hilda?
Dame Hilda: As
soon as possible, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
I could distribute the scripts to the cast tomorrow.
Dame Hilda: Well, tell them to be at our house at seven
o'clock prompt for the first read through.
Dr. Hinge:
Excellent.
Maud: And what
part am I playing, Dame Hilda?
Dame Hilda: Ah, yes, yes, well, we'll talk about that
tomorrow, dear. Something very suitable, Maud, what do
you think, Donald?
Donald: Yes, I
remember it now. Easter Monday, wasn't it?
Dame Hilda: What
was, dear?
Donald: When the
piano lid fell on Evadne’s fingers.
{Next day.}
Dame Hilda: Come
in, Donald.
Donald: Thank you, Hilda. Sorry I'm late, are the cast
in the other room?
Dame Hilda:
No, Donald. you're the only one who's turned up,
apart from Maud.
Donald: Oh, dear, what's happened?
Dame Hilda:
Well, Donald, six of the cast have telephoned to say
they've suddenly gone down with the flu.
Dr. Hinge: I can't understand it, Donald, the flu
epidemic was weeks ago.
Dame Hilda: I
don't think, personally, it's anything to do with the
flu epidemic at all, they've all gone down with flu
after reading Evadne's script.
Dr. Hinge:
Nonsense, Hilda. For a start, they haven't all gone down
with flu, there's still Miss Primley, she hasn't
telephoned.
Dame Hilda:
Maybe she hasn't read the script yet.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, of course she has, I took it over to her
house just an hour ago.
{Phone rings.}
Dame Hilda:
There she is, dead on cue. Oh, hello, Miss Primley, what
a surprise… oh, I am sorry, she's gone down with the
flu, dear. When did it happen, Miss Primley?... really?
Quite suddenly, she says. I would imagine about page
three, well, take care, dear, yes, bye-bye. I hope she
doesn't read as far as page ten, it could lead to
pneumonia.
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
Hilda, you can be very cruel.
Dame Hilda: Just facing facts, dear.
Dr. Hinge: What
are we going to do, then?
Dame Hilda:
Well, there's only one thing we can do. The show must go
on, as we say in the business. Now, Donald's here, and
you're here, and Maud, of course, is here, so we'll
rehearse your parts and double up the people who are
missing, I'll read for Robin Hood.
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
splendid!
Dame Hilda: We
could ask Jean-Pierre to read in as well.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, good idea, yes, I'll call him,
Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre!
Jean-Pierre: Oui, oui, I'm coming, Evadne.
Dame Hilda: Will you bring Maud with you, Jean-Pierre?
Jean-Pierre: Here I am, Evadne.
Dame Hilda: Where's Maud, Jean-Pierre?
Jean-Pierre: I've not seen her, Hilda. I'll go and look
in the kitchen.
Dame Hilda: Strange, Maud! Where are you, Maud?
Maud: I'm ‘ere, Dame ‘ilda, ‘ere I am.
Dame Hilda:
Where have you been, Maud?
Maud: I've been sitting in the cupboard under the
stairs.
Dame Hilda: What
on earth for, dear?
Maud:
I've been ‘iding.
Dame Hilda: Who from, dear?
Maud:
‘im, Sacha Distal!
Dame Hilda: Maud, Jean-Pierre won't bite you.
Maud: You didn't
‘ear what ‘e said to me.
Dr. Hinge:
Whatever did he say to you, Maud?
Maud: ‘e come up behind me and ‘e says, Oui, ava cup of
tea. Well, you know what ‘e was meaning, don't you?
Dame Hilda: He
was thirsty, I should think.
Maud: Aye, but thirsty for what?
Dr. Hinge:
Maud? You're impossible.
Jean-Pierre: I cannot find Maud anywhere. Ah, you are
here.
Maud: See? ‘e's after me.
Dame Hilda:
Nonsense, Maud. Now pull yourself together, dear. Now,
Jean-Pierre, we want you to read a part in Evadne's
pantomime.
Jean-Pierre: Oh, yes. The pantomime of Evadne, yes.
Dame Hilda: This will help you, of course, with your
English, Jean-Pierre.
Dr. Hinge:
Now, Maud, we need a Maid Marion.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
dear, Maud,
do you think you could pretend to be an 18-year-old
innocent beauty?
Maud:
Oh, I think so, Dame ‘ilda. I'll put me ‘air up.
Dame Hilda: Right, well, we'll get to you in a minute,
Donald.
Donald:
Don't worry, Hilda, I'll look at my lines.
Dame Hilda: Off we go, then. Now, let's see. Enter Robin
Hood. My friends, my name is Robin Hood. I'm dressed in
Lincoln red. But where's my merry men, you ask? They've
all gone home to bed. Evadne, shouldn't it be green,
dear, Lincoln green?
Dr. Hinge: Yes, Hilda, but I couldn't get it to rhyme.
Donald:
Hilda, could I make a suggestion?
Dame Hilda:
Certainly, Donald.
Donald: Yes, well, how about... My friends, my name is
Robin Hood, I'm dressed in Lincoln green.
But where's my merry men, you ask? They can't be here
today for the simple reason that they've been.
Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, wonderful, Donald, yes. I'll
rewrite it later. Here comes that rugged friend of mine,
Will Scarlet, bold and rough, he's ridden in from
Nottingham, he plays for Brian Clough.
Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I did not write that.
Dame Hilda:
No, I know, but you see, it's topical, dear, I
mean, you must be topical in a pantomime.
Dr. Hinge: Carry on, the sheriff and his men are out to
rob and loot and pillage. Maid Marion's fallen in the
stream.
Dame Hilda: And flooded half the village.
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, you are ruining it.
Dame Hilda: I
couldn't resist it. Right, now, let's go to Maud's
entrance now, come along, Maud.
Maud:
Oh, why am I so beautiful? Oh, why am I so sweet?
Why are my hands so dainty?
Dr. Hinge: Why
have you got big feet?
Dame Hilda: Evadne, that is not in the script.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, I
see, you can change the lines, but I can't.
Jean-Pierre: Hilda?
Dame Hilda: Yes, Jean-Pierre, I'm coming to you now,
dear.
Jean-Pierre: Ah, that is good.
Dame Hilda: I can't really direct this next scene and
play the part at the same time. So will you stand in for
me as Robin Hood?
Jean-Pierre: Stand in? What do I stand in?
Dr. Hinge: No, Jean-Pierre, no, no, no. Just read the
Robin Hood line.
Jean-Pierre:
I will.
Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, you'll like this, dear, because
this is the love scene...between Maid Marion and Robin
Hood.
Maud:
What? Me and ‘im.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, dear, it's all right, now, it's quite
simple, you're discovered lying down on a bed of leaves.
Maud: Bed? Not
likely.
Dr. Hinge:
Oh, don't be silly, Maud, you're only pretending.
Maud: Well, I might be, but ‘e isn't.
Jean-Pierre: Maud, you lie down with me, eh?
Maud: Get yer ‘ands off me! You, you ‘ot blooded Latin!
Dame Hilda:
Maud, dear, calm down, I'm only asking you to say the
words, I don't want you to get... physical. Off you go,
top of page seven, Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre: Eh, oui, voilà, there, your beauty fills me
with desire, let me kiss you and quench the fire.
Maud: ‘e's obsessed Dame ‘ilda! ‘e needs a bucket o’
water over ‘im.
Dame Hilda: Now,
it is at this point that you are discovered.
Maud: Arthur’s not ‘ere, is ‘e?
Dr. Hinge: No,
Maud, you're discovered by the sheriff.
Dame Hilda:
Righto, Donald, that's your cue. Donald? Donald, are you
all right, dear? Donald, why are you holding your head
in your hands?
Donald: I've gone a bit shivery, Hilda. I think I might
be going down with flu.
{Later.}
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
Hilda, what are we going to do?
Dame Hilda:
Yes, it's been quite a disastrous evening one way
or another, hasn't it? I mean, your pantomime seems to
have knocked out half the village.
Dr. Hinge: Yes. Well, at least we have a little time.
It's not for four weeks. I mean, no one can have the flu
for four weeks.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
but I mean, there's chickenpox and scarlet fever. They
haven't touched those yet.
Ah, Maud, and with the coffee.
Maud:
‘ere you are, Dame 'ilda.
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, dear.
Maud: Doctor.
Dr. Hinge: Thank
you, Maud.
Maud:
And give this to ‘im, will yer?
Jean-Pierre: Ah, merci, Maud. C'est gentil, merci.
Maud: Disgusting.
Dame Hilda: This
is nice coffee, Maud.
Maud: It's
cocoa.
Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I knew it was one or the other.
You know, Evadne, we needn't waste the entire evening.
We could rehearse the song sheet.
Dr. Hinge: I wasn't going to have a song sheet.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, but my dear, you must have a song sheet,
Evadne, the children will expect it.
And besides, I've composed a little tune, dear, it's on
the piano, ah, here you are. It's called The Animal
Song. My idea is this, I want to divide the audience
into two halves, you see, and they have to make the
animal noises.
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, it sounds absolutely vile.
Dame Hilda: You
haven't heard it yet, dear, half the audience are cows
and the other half are sheep.
Maud: Oh, that's
a good idea, Dame ‘ilda. I like a good sing-song.
Dr. Hinge: This is going to be awful.
Dame Hilda:
Now, Jean-Pierre, you sit over there, and you be
the left-hand side of the audience, all right?
Jean-Pierre:
Over there?
Dame Hilda: That's right, that's right. And you, Maud,
you sit on the other side of the room.
Maud:
That'll suit me fine.
Dame Hilda: You represent the two sides of the audience.
Now, Maud, you have to moo because you're a cow... your
side of the audience are cows, dear. And Jean-Pierre?
Jean-Pierre: Oui, Hilda?
Dame Hilda:
You're a sheep.
Jean-Pierre: Ah,
a sheep, oui. Mooo!
Dr. Hinge:
No, no, no, Jean-Pierre, no, no, no. A sheep, a mouton.
Baaa!
Jean-Pierre: Ah,
oui, oui. Baa, baa, oui, oui, baa!
Dame Hilda: That's lovely, dear, yes, that's lovely,
dear, yes.
Jean-Pierre:
Baa, baa!
Dame Hilda: Yes,
that's fine, yes.
Jean-Pierre:
Baa, baa!
Dame Hilda: Be
quiet, Jean-Pierre! Right, on the piano then, dear, and
here we go.
The cows go
moo, moo, moo, moo, moo
And they say,
how do you do
The sheep go
baa, baa, baa, baa, baa
They say hip,
hip, hoorah
Moo, moo, moo,
moo,
Baa, baa, baa,
baa
Hip, hip, hip,
hoorah
Dr. Hinge:
Devastating, dear.
Dame Hilda: I
knew you'd like it, dear. It was a flash of inspiration
I had this morning in the middle of me kippers.
Dr. Hinge: A sort of musical indigestion, I suppose.
Dame Hilda:
Right, now Jean-Pierre and Maud, or should I say boys
and girls? Perhaps not. Now... follow me, all right?
♬The cows go moo, moo, moo,
moo♬
Well, where are you, Maud? Maud, you're supposed to be a
cow, dear.
Dr. Hinge:
Perhaps she's jumped over the moon.
Dame Hilda:
Now come along, Maud, and concentrate. I'll start
again. The cows go moo, moo, moo, moo, moo
Maud: Moooooo!
Dame Hilda: Yes,
yes, yes, very bovine, but not quite right.
Maud: Oh, ‘tis
the Doctor's playin’ that’s puttin’ me off?
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
Madame Butterfly getting temperamental, is she?
Dame Hilda: Now, let's not quibble. We're all doing our
best. Now, we come to the sheep. Ready, Jean-Pierre? The
sheep go baa, baa, baa, baa, baa
Jean-Pierre:
Baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, Jean-Pierre, yes. Thank you, dear.
Jean-Pierre:
Baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!
Dame Hilda: Yes,
will you shut up, please?
Jean-Pierre: No more baas?
Dr. Hinge:
Carry on like that and you'll be behind them.
Dame Hilda: Just
a little too frantic, Jean-Pierre. Sounds as though
you're trying to avoid the sheep dip. Now, we come to
the last part where the animals are together.
Maud: I'm
staying where I am.
Dame Hilda:
Evadne, this is where I want you to help me out.
Dr. Hinge: Certainly, Hilda. Pass me the script.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, here, my dear.
Dr. Hinge: And the song sheet.
Dame Hilda:
Right.{Rip!} Evadne you've
torn them in half, {Rip!} quarters, whatever for?
Dr. Hinge: We're
going to have a musical concert instead, and what's
more, Hilda, I'll let you choose the programme.
Dame Hilda:
That's very kind of you, dear.
And you know, by a strange coincidence, I happen
to have a programme already planned.
Dr. Hinge: Very
strange.
Dame Hilda: In
fact, by another stranger coincidence, it's here in my
handbag. We're going to open with one of your
favourites, and Jean-Pierre, you're going to like this,
dear.
Oh, the days
of the kerry dancing
Oh, the ring
of the piper's tune
Oh, for one of
those hours of gladness
Gone alas like
our youth too soon
