Another time
it's long ago and far away
The world
seems bigger now than it ever seemed before
And set me
dreaming as I've never dreamed before
I would gladly
walk the earth and sail the sea
If by my side
you’d be
The one who's
dear to me
You, you are
the heart of the melody
You, you are
the song doesn’t end for me
Can't you hear
it
Why can't we
share it
Share the song
to the end hand in hand
You, you are
the heart of the melody
Now only by
listening carefully
Do you believe
me
Try to believe
me
Surely your
heart can understand
When we were
young
How we used to
run into that valley of ours
We were too
young to know about the cares of the world
Then when we
were that age
The sun shone
all day
The sky was
our ceiling
But our valley
was our world
You, you are
the heart of the melody
Now only by
listening carefully,
Do you believe
me
Try to believe
me
Surely your
heart can understand
Miss. Primley:
Absolutely beautiful, Hilda.
Tom: Smashing
that Dame.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, thank you, Tom.
Miss. Primley:
Evadne your accompaniment was perfection?
Dr. Hinge:
Oh, thank you, Miss. Primley.
Miss. Primley:
I've always felt that the marriage of Hilda's
voice and Evadne’s piano creates what I can only
describe as green daffodils floating on a serene sea of
simplicity.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
unless, of course, it's in seven sharps, then the sea
becomes a little choppy.
Miss. Primley:
I can feel my emotions starting to vibrate, it's
your music, it inspires my inner being.
Dame Hilda:
Stand by for blasting, Evadne, she's feeling
poetical.
Miss. Primley:
Pink and purple
and red and elastic
The walnut
mushroom hides in the corner
What is a table
leg
A cockerel barks
And an old woman
trips over a waistcoat
Tinkle, tinkle,
tinkle
Dame Hilda: Yes,
and you say our music inspired that.
Miss. Primley:
It did.
Dame Hilda:
Evadne, we must get the piano tuned.
Tom:
Do you mean to say you made up that poetry as you
said it, Miss Primley?
Miss. Primley:
Of course, don't you think it sums everything up? The
state of the world, man's inhumanity to man.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
and not forgetting the price of a small loaf, they've
gone up again, you know, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Don’t
you find writing poems a strain, Miss Primley.
Miss. Primley:
Not at all.
Dame Hilda: It's
listening to them, that's the strain, dear.
Miss. Primley:
I find I can look at any object and immediately
create a picture in words, which not only describes the
object, but sympathises with its innermost feelings.
Dame Hilda:
Well, what about the photograph on the piano of Evadne's
mother?
Miss. Primley:
Oh, yes, old, wrinkled evil ancient hag.
Dame Hilda: Miss
Primley, please.
Dr. Hinge:
Quiet, dear, quiet. She's creating.
Miss. Primley:
Veiled in a
cloak of respectability
She sits in her
washing machine
Silently
shouting and shelling peas
Abracadabra,
it's a trick.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, yes. I can see what you're getting at, it's
the shape of her nose, isn't it?
Dr. Hinge:
There's nothing wrong with the shape of mother's nose.
Tom: Miss
Primley?
Miss. Primley:
Yes, Tom.
Tom: How can I
put it? You see, I thought it was very good, you know,
the poem, in fact terrific, but, er...well, why is she
sitting in a washing machine, shelling peas?
Miss. Primley:
The washing machine represents the oppressive
surroundings of 20th century society, it's all there,
the noise, the constant battering of bodies in this
cosmic launderette we call the universe.
Tom:
Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I understand that, the
thing is, why is she shelling peas?
Miss. Primley:
Oh, dear. Tell him, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
pardon?
Miss. Primley:
Explain to Tom why she's shelling peas.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I should have thought it was obvious, she's
getting the dinner ready.
Miss. Primley:
Exactly, right on the nose, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: Yes.
I said it was her nose, didn't I?
Miss. Primley:
The only thing you haven't mentioned, of course, is the
fact that she's wearing purple stockings.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, yes, but I took that as red, ha, ha, ha,!
Well, purple, yes.
{Door Knocks.}
Dame Hilda: Oh,
that could be Teddy Tranter, early as usual.
Dr. Hinge: He’s
late for this meeting, Hilda.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, but I meant he’s normally later than this,
so in effect he's early. I'll let him in,
coming! Oh, good, it is you, Teddy.
Teddy: Good
evening, Hilda love.
Dame Hilda: Good
evening, Teddy.
Teddy: I'm not
too early, am I?
Dame Hilda:
No, no, not too early, better late than never,
we're in here, Teddy, the others are waiting.
Teddy:
Oh, were they early as well?
Dame Hilda:
Well, something like that, Teddy, in you go, dear.
Teddy:
Well, hello, everybody.
All: Hello
Teddy!
Teddy: Are we
all here?
Dame Hilda: We
are now.
Tom: We thought
you weren't going to make it, Mr Tranter, you know, the
meeting.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
I knew he would, he's very conscientious, is our town
clerk, always willing to help, aren't you, Teddy?
Teddy: Oh, you
flatter me, Hilda, love. Well, then, shall we get on
with the wine tasting?
Dr. Hinge:
Oh, typical, he's come to the wrong meeting.
Dame Hilda:
And, Teddy, I believe the wine tasting is
tomorrow, and it's at the town hall.
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, may we commence this meeting please?
Dame Hilda:
Certainly, now, Teddy, you're in the chair.
Teddy: Oh, thank
you, which one? Oh, I see what you mean, yes, now, I
think we ought to make a start.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
wish I'd said that.
Teddy: Good,
now, may we have the minutes?
Dame Hilda: Just
a second, ha, ha, ha! second, minutes, well, never mind.
Are you all sitting comfortably? Now, then, last week at
the inaugural meeting, the committee discussed ways and
means of raising money to provide instruments for the
school orchestra.
Miss. Primley:
If music be the
food of love
And the seaweed
calls
To the cockle on
a lonely beach
While the
jellyfish play the flute
Dame Hilda: Yes,
I couldn't agree with you more, dear, but could we get
back to the minutes?
Miss. Primley:
The mood came on, me, Hilda, I was invoking my muse.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
and is that the end of the muse, dear? Ha, ha, ha! Well,
we must press on.
Tom:
I've never seen a jellyfish playin’ the flute.
Miss. Primley:
Poetic imagery, Thomas, it conveys patience and
tolerance.
Dr. Hinge: And
mine are rapidly running out.
Dame Hilda:
I wish someone would run out, dear, I'm losing
track of all this. Now, one of the ideas we had was to
collect odd balls of wool.
Teddy:
Now, may I say something, Hilda, love?
Dame Hilda: It
has nothing to do with thirst, has it, Teddy?
Teddy: No, no,
no, it's about the wool, you see, I asked Peggy, she's
my wife, you know.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, yes, we do know she's your wife, Teddy.
Teddy:
Oh, yes, of course you do, yes, well, she
couldn't find any spare wool, so she's unravelled one of
my pullovers.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, good, good, so now we can sell it to someone
who wants to knit a pullover.
Teddy:
Yes, well, that's what I thought, Hilda, so I
haven't been all that successful with my wool gathering.
Miss. Primley:
Milk bottle tops!
Dame Hilda: Oh,
dear. I think we're in for another epic, Evadne?
Miss. Primley:
No, Hilda. I am referring to the ones we've all been
collecting since the last meeting.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes, now that was a brilliant idea, brilliant!
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, you thought of that, didn't you, dear?
Dame Hilda:
Well, I knew there was something brilliant about it.
Well, now Tom was in charge of the scheme, anything to
report, Tom?
Tom:
Oh, yes, I have, Dame, after only seven days, and
with everyone's cooperation, I've managed to sell the
first batch.
Dame Hilda:
Good, good, how much did you sell them for?
Tom:
Twenty-three pence.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
a brilliant idea.
Dame Hilda: At
least it was start, dear, well done milk bottle tops,
we're twenty-three pence in credit.
Tom:
No, we ain't, Dame, you see, I ‘ad to give a kid
twenty-five pence to wash ‘em.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
does anyone have any thoughts on raising money to
recover Tom's expenses?
Dame Hilda:
You're being a bit naughty, Evadne, just because you
didn't have any ideas yourself.
Dr. Hinge: But I
did, Hilda, I suggested we had a raffle.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes, I remember, yes, but we all turned the suggestion
down because I knew people are fed up with raffles, and
they wouldn't buy any tickets.
Dr. Hinge: But
they did, Hilda, and here's the six pounds from the
proceeds.
Teddy: Oh, I
say, Evadne, that is splendid, dear!
Tom:
Well done, Doc!
Miss. Primley:
Huzzah for Evadne, huzzah!
Dame Hilda:
Yes, well done, dear, well, Evadne and I have
shown you the way, it shows what can be done if we all
pull together, now, does anybody want to buy a raffle
ticket?
Dr. Hinge:
Typical.
Tom: ‘ere, Dame,
what about a sponsored walk?
Dame Hilda:
Well, not right now, Tom, I'm quite comfy in this
chair, thank you, dear.
Tom:
Oh, no, Dame, you know what I mean?
Dame Hilda:
Yes, that has possibilities, a sponsored walk.
Miss. Primley:
Walk with me
along a dumpling path
Beneath a sky of
yellow, treacle pudding.
Dame Hilda:
And suddenly, I've gone off the idea, Tom.
Tom:
Well, ‘ow about a sponsored swim, then?
Miss. Primley:
Come swim with me amid...
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, thank you, dear. yes, well, we'll dismiss
that one as well.
Dr. Hinge: You
see, Tom, the way we swim, it would turn out to be a
sponsored drowning.
Tom: All right,
then, me final offer, now, you can't turn this one down,
a sponsored sing song.
Dr. Hinge: What
do you mean, Tom?
Tom: Well, you
know, like that marathon trombonist who played non stop
for about three weeks, well Dame ‘ilda could ‘ave a
marathon sing?
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
dear.
Tom: And the Doc
could have a marathon play on the piano.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, dear, twice.
Teddy:
Hilda love, could I say something?
Dame Hilda:
Oh, Teddy, you're still alive, what is it?
Teddy:
Well, if you like, I could ask Peggy to have a
marathon knit.
Miss. Primley:
And I could, I'm sure, compose a marathon...
Dame Hilda: No,
no, I don't think marathons are quite up our street,
Tom. Now, come along, let's all concentrate, we're sure
to come up with a good idea if we think hard enough...
do you want to say something Evadne?
Dr. Hinge: Not
particularly.
Dame Hilda:
Well, what about you, Tom? Tom! could you wake
him up, please, Miss Primley?
Miss. Primley:
Odd jobs.
Dame Hilda:
Err... quite, yes, yes.
Miss. Primley:
We offer our services to the community.
Dr. Hinge:
I think she may have something, Hilda.
Dame Hilda:
I've always said that, dear.
Dr. Hinge: We
can place ourselves on call for things like babysitting,
dog walking, or perhaps painting fences and things,
Dame Hilda: But
not necessarily all at the same time, ha, ha, ha!
splendid idea, splendid idea, well done, all of us, I
knew we would come up with something.
Teddy:
Yes, well, I think I could manage to wield a
paintbrush.
Tom:
Wassat, wassat? Someone mention paint?
Dame Hilda: Oh,
you're with us again, Tom.
Tom:
If you want some paint, I could lay me ‘ands on
about 237 large tins.
Dame Hilda: Are
they dented, Tom?
Tom: What do you
mean, Dame?
Dame Hilda:
Well, tins do tend to get dented when they fall off the
back of a lorry.
Tom:
Oh, no, no, no. Now, this is genuine, ‘onest
stuff, they were salvaged from a warehouse fire. You’ll
‘ave to wait till next week, though, that's when they're
having the fire.
{Next week.}
Dame Hilda:
Heel! Heel! I said heel! Trust! Trust! You are naughty
boys, sit, then, sit.
Dr. Hinge: I
don't think you'll ever make a dog trainer, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: It's
not me dear, it's that labrador that you're supposed to
be looking after, it's making so much noise, my dog
can't hear my voice.
Dr. Hinge: Yours
is making just as much row.
Dame Hilda: Mine
is a little excited.
Dr. Hinge: Yours
is a little horror.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
well, look, let's just lock the gate and release them in
the garden.
Dr. Hinge: And
after they've had a good run round, we'll take them for
a walk.
Dame Hilda:
There you are, off you go my little beauties, off you
go, that's it, have a good root round in your auntie
Hilda's garden.
Dr. Hinge: An
unfortunate choice of phrase, dear, they've just
uprooted your favourite rose tree.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
stop it, stop it! heal! Oh, quick Evadne, after it, come
back! Come along, come back, dog! Back, back! Come
along!
Dr. Hinge: It's
useless, Hilda, he won't understand a word you're
saying?
Dame Hilda:
Oh, well, all right, then, Evadne, woof, woof,
woof!
Dr. Hinge:
His name! His name! Call him by his name?
Dame Hilda: But
the colonel didn't tell me his name.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
he told me.
Dame Hilda:
Well, what is it?
Dr. Hinge:
Pomeroy Prince of Royal Highland.
Dame Hilda:
Thank you. Pomeroy Pr...
Oh, I can’t, I can't, I can't stand here shouting
out that mouthful, how does the colonel get it to heel?
Dr. Hinge:
Come here, you stupid…
Dame Hilda:
Evadne!
{Later.}
Dame Hilda:
Well, everyone, have we all finished our coffee?
Tom:
Yeah, thanks, Dame, very nice coffee, too, I
don't know what brand it was, but I am in a position to
fix you up with some instant stuff any time you run
short, Dame.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, have you got a jar to spare, Tom?
Tom:
Er... no, but I can lay me ‘ands on 5,000,
actually, know what I mean.
Dame Hilda:
Er...
I’d rather not know what you mean, Tom.
Dr. Hinge:
Well, we could think about it, Hilda, after all,
there is a coffee shortage in Brazil.
Dame Hilda: I’m
not surprised, I think Tom's got it all, anyway, now
that we're refreshed, can we have a resume on the week's
fundraising?
Teddy: By all
means, Hilda, love, wouldn't it be wonderful if we
raised enough money to repair the town hall steps?
Dame Hilda:
Teddy, dear, you're wandering again, the town hall steps
were repaired only last month.
Teddy:
Well, er... you know, I hadn't noticed.
Dame Hilda: I
think the next fundraising scheme should be to buy our
town clerk a new pair of spectacles.
Teddy: Very
amusing Hilda, love.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, well, let's get on, shall we? And I'd like
to say that the Doctor and I have amassed the grand sum
of £2.75 p.
Miss. Primley:
Well done, Hilda.
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, Miss Primley.
Dr. Hinge: And
well done, Evadne.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes, of course, dear, yes, yes, you were helping us as
well in your own little way, and Tom was telling me
earlier about the success he and Teddy had with their
painting. Have you been dyeing your hair, Teddy?
Teddy:
No, Hilda, love, it's paint.
Dame Hilda:
Couldn't you afford a brush, dear? Still, yes, dear, it
suits you, yes, lovely, lovely shade, yes, yes, Pillar
Box Red, is it, Tom?
Tom: Yeah, well,
actually, it's funny you should mention that, it's a
very same paint they do Pillar Boxes with, yes.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, I see, it fell off a post office lorry, did
it? As I said, it suits you, Teddy, has anyone tried to
post a letter in your mouth?
Ha, ha, ha!
However, how much did you two Picasso's make?
Teddy: Er...
£14.50.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
it would appear there's more money in kitchen doors than
labradors, don’t you wish you'd thought of that, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
believe it or not, Hilda, I don't.
Dame Hilda:
Pity, and now, Miss Primley, how did you fare with your
babysitting activities?
Miss. Primley:
I've delighted to say the sum of £7.25,
representing four nights of baby minding and a ruined
cardigan.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, yes, I can see it is...
Miss. Primley:
Not the one I'm wearing, Hilda.
Dame Hilda:
Sorry, my mistake, so what is the grand total Evadne,
including the proceeds from our raffle?
Dr. Hinge:
Well, I make it £30.50p.
Dame Hilda:
Success, success. Stackton girls high will be pleased.
Miss. Primley:
Happy, happy
children
Splashing
merrily in a bowl
Of brown windsor
soup.
Dame Hilda: Yes.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
it's not a fortune, but it's quite sufficient to provide
the extra instruments for the school band, in fact,
there should be a pound or two left over.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, that's splendid, then there'll be enough to
buy us all earplugs.
{High School.}
Dame Hilda:
Ladies and gentlemen, and girls of Stackton girls high,
it is a privilege to bid you welcome to the first
concert ever given by the school orchestra.
Dr. Hinge: Band,
dear.
Dame Hilda:
What?
Dr. Hinge: Band.
Dame Hilda: Who
by? Oh, I see, I see what you mean, dear, you're being
pedantic again, aren't you? Yes, the school band and the
Doctor and I have been invited to appear as guest
conductors.
Dr. Hinge:
Alternately, of course.
Dame Hilda:
Well, of course, they don't normally have two conductors
on the same platform, unless, of course, it's the number
34 to Stackton Parva! Now, a few words about the
musicians who are going to entertain us, there's Fiona,
Blanche and Melanie on the treble recorders, and Brenda,
big girl, she is on the bass, now, I believe three
pupils did audition for the triangle, and they were all
so good it was decided they should play a side each.
Nothing like enthusiasm!
Dr. Hinge:
Nothing.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I think that covers everybody.
Dr. Hinge: The
symbols, dear.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes, yes, I forgot, she symbols will be played by
Elizabeth and not Annabella. You see, during the
rehearsals this afternoon, Annabella had an unfortunate
accident with the symbols, and we do hope your nose will
get better soon. Well, on with the show. Are you ready
children? Oh, by the way, by the way, for this
performance, the band will be augmented with members
culled from the ranks of our own musical society, well
done, all right? One, two, three...
{The
Blue Danube}
{Crash!}
Dame Hilda:
So, there is some more?
Dr. Hinge:
No, dear, no, Brenda has fallen on the drum kit
Dame Hilda:
Well, as I said, a big girl, no, Brenda, dear,
you don't have to apologise to me, but she should
apologise to Johann Strauss. And now, ladies and
gentlemen, after that, after that, and while the band is
still sorting out the music for their next musical
treat, your esteemed headmistress, Miss Primley, has
asked the Doctor and I to oblige with a favourite song
of hers, but I'm afraid we don't know the words to Hit
me with your rhythm stick, just a jest, dear, you didn't
write that one, did you? No, very like your writing, but
no, no, I didn't think you did. However, we would like
to sing for you a favourite song of ours written by Ivor
Novello.
The valley
fills with martial sound.
On every side
I hear the bugle calling
The shadows
lengthen all around.
From hill to
hill, a fearful light is falling.
Soon the world
will be awaking.
Freedom's safe
and morning's breaking.
Brave and
strong
Bound for
France and the fray
In the
farewell song while you march away
Soldier lad,
soldier lad. take my love
As you hoist
your pack
I'll be there
at the door
When you're
marching back
To your valley
once more.
Soldier lad,
soldier lad, take my love
As you hoist
your pack
I'll be there
at the door
When you're
marching back
To your valley
once more.
To your valley
once more
