Dr. Hinge:  Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Are they expecting us to sing at the cricket club dance tomorrow night?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I think so, dear, we usually do.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I only hope I'm not too exhausted after the afternoon's activities. We shall be right off our feet preparing and serving the refreshments, it's the same every year, we never get any help.

Dame Hilda: We did volunteer, Evadne, as our contribution to the annual cricket match.

Dr. Hinge:  As I remember, dear, you volunteered.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, but I was speaking on your behalf.

Dr. Hinge: I am not a ventriloquist's dummy, Hilda.

Dame Hilda:  Of course you're not. Gottle ‘o gear, gottle ‘o gear. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Dr. Hinge:  I'm serious, Hilda, unless we get some help this year, I shan't do it again.

Dame Hilda: Put your mind at rest, dear, I've already persuaded someone to give us a hand.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good.

Dame Hilda: Maud.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, dear.

Dame Hilda:  Evadne, what have you got against Maud?

Dr. Hinge: Would you like a list? The last time she helped us was at the vicar's garden party, do you remember?

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Dr. Hinge: You asked her to organise the strawberries and cream.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, mind you. I mean, anybody could have made that mistake. After all, mayonnaise is a similar colour to cream.

Dr. Hinge: It's the crockery I'm worried about, dear, she'll break everything in sight.

Dame Hilda:  Not this time.

Dr. Hinge: I admire your optimism.

Dame Hilda: Nothing to do with optimism at all. I have ordered 150 cardboard plates and plastic cups.

Dr. Hinge:  Quite brilliant, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, see? Anyway, Maud should be here shortly. I asked her to bring 16 loaves of bread and a pound of cream cheese and some margarine from the village. We can make an early start on the sandwiches in the morning.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: Oh, I'll get it, dear, I'll get it. Hello, Stackton 295?... No, no, it's not Evadne, guess again... Yes, it's Hilda... Who?... Oh, Evadne, it's Jean-Pierre! Hello, Jean-Pierre.

Dr. Hinge: Let me speak to him, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: No, no, dear, no, he wants to speak to me... What's that, Jean-Pierre?... Yes, yes, she is, he wants to speak to you, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I thought he might. Bonjour jean- Pierre, cest Evadne quelle surprise! Parlez doux

Dame Hilda:  What did you say to him, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I'm asking where he's speaking from. Wait a minute. Yes. Excellent, excellent. Merveilleux. Oui. Au revoir, Jean-Pierre, au revoir.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, you've put the phone down and I'd like to have a little word with him. Why did he ring?

Dr. Hinge: He's in London on business and he has to stay for a meeting next week.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, why didn't you ask him to come and visit us?

Dr. Hinge: I didn't have to, he suggested it himself. In fact, he's catching the next train.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good heavens, you know, he could be with us in a couple of hours.

Dr. Hinge:  Isn't it marvellous?

Dame Hilda: We can take him to the cricket match tomorrow, he'll love that.

Dr. Hinge:  I doubt it, Hilda, they don't know a lot about cricket in France.

Dame Hilda: Of course they do, dear, I played it when I was a little girl, French cricket.

Dr. Hinge: It's not quite the same thing, dear.

{Door slams!}

Dr. Hinge:  That sounds like trouble.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, it'll be Maud

Dr. Hinge: Exactly.

Dame Hilda: Come in, Maud.

Maud:  Oh, thank you, Dame ‘ilda, you're looking well today.

Dame Hilda:  Thank you, Maud.

Maud:  ‘ello, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Maud, do I look well?

Maud: I don't know, I never noticed.

Dr. Hinge: Charming!

Dame Hilda:  Did you remember everything, Maud?

Maud: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Good.

Dr. Hinge: It's amazing.

Dame Hilda: Well, where is it all, dear?

Maud: Well, it's ‘ere in me shoppin’ bag.

Dame Hilda:  Maud, this may sound silly, but how have you managed to get 16 loaves of bread in that shopping bag?

Maud: Well, I ‘aven't.

Dame Hilda: I'm not with you, dear, I asked you to bring 16 loaves of bread and one pound of cream cheese.

Maud: Oh, Lor!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no.

Dame Hilda: You've brought one loaf, haven't you?

Maud:  Yes.

Dame Hilda: And 16 pounds of cream cheese.

Maud:  Yes, got it wrong, didn't I?

Dame Hilda: Well, just slightly, dear.

Maud:  Well, at least I remembered the marzipan.

Dame Hilda:  What marzipan?

Maud: Well, four pounds o’ marzipan.

Dr. Hinge: I don't believe it.

Dame Hilda:  Four pounds of margarine, Maud.

Maud: Oh, Lor!

Dr. Hinge: Yes. Oh, Lor! indeed.

Dame Hilda: I think I prefer strawberries and mayonnaise to cream cheese and marzipan.

Maud:  You didn't ask me to bring strawberries and mayonnaise, did you?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud, no, if we had, you would probably have brought sardines and treacle, knowing you.

Maud: Well, we can't all be musical.

Dame Hilda:  Never mind, dear, I'll phone the bakery and ask them to deliver another 15 loaves.

Maud: Well, I'll take the cream cheese.

Dame Hilda: Why, dear, has Arthur got a wall that needs plastering?

Maud: I don't know, but I'll take it back to the shop and tell ‘em you gave me the wrong order.

Dr. Hinge: Nice of you to take the blame, Maud.

Dame Hilda: Well, that's settled. Now, let's tell you the good news, Maud, you remember that lovely Frenchman, Jean-Pierre, who came to stay with us last year?

Maud: I do. disgusting, ‘e were, always looking at me funny like, with wicked thoughts in ‘is eyes.

Dame Hilda: Yes. Well, you'll be pleased to know he's staying here for a few days.

Maud: What? What's ‘e coming ‘ere for?

Dr. Hinge: Well, actually, Maud, he's heard that your Arthur's going on night work.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Here you are, Jean-Pierre. I've sugared it for you, deux lumps.

Jean-Pierre:  Thank you, Hilda, very much.

Dame Hilda: Would you like a cream horn, dear?

Jean-Pierre: Pardon?

Dame Hilda: A cream horn, you know. Le creme de pippip.  Did you get it, Evadne? Pippip horn.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, dear. very common market, I must say.

Dame Hilda: You know, I think I'll have another. I like cream horns, you know. I'm saying, Jean-Pierre, j'aime le creme de pippip. I like that. Of course, when I was a little girl, Jean-Pierre, I used to bite the end off the cream horn and pretend to play it like a trumpet, you see, like this, look. Ooh, Jean-Pierre, I am sorry. Blown the cream all down your suit, oh, I am sorry. creme de pippip all over your jacquet.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, really, use my serviette, Jean-Pierre.

Jean-Pierre: Merci, thank you, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: You know, I must say, Jean-Pierre, your English has improved tremendously since you were last with us.

Jean-Pierre: Oh, yes, I'm learning on the gramophone.

Dame Hilda: Don't you find it makes you dizzy, dear?

Jean-Pierre: Pardon, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Nothing, dear, just a joke, yes.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, a joke, like the creme de pippip, eh?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, yes, you understand.

Jean-Pierre: No.

Dame Hilda: Probably lost something in the translation, dear. Oh, look, Milton's pleased to see you as well, Jean-Pierre. I say, wouldn't it be lovely if he said something in French?

Dr. Hinge: It'd be a miracle if he said something in English, dear.

Jean-Pierre:  I remember, budgie.

Dame Hilda: And Milton remembers you, don't you, Milton? Yes, I know you do, ici Jean-Pierre, who's a jolly garçon. Now, Milton, say bonjour for your Uncle Pierre.

Dr. Hinge: It would be easier to teach him to do the can-can, I think.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, can-can, I like can-can, pretty girls, eh?

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, Milton happens to be a pretty boy.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, can-can, you play can-can?

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's not quite the same without the dancing, dear, no.

Dame Hilda:  Well, with us, it was never the same with the dancing.

Jean-Pierre: You will play something for me, hmm?

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you insist.

Dame Hilda:  Of course he does, dear, yes. Well, I think as we're rehearsing the gondoliers for the next production, we could do my solo, couldn't we?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, of course, you'll like this, Jean-Pierre.

On the day when I was wedded

To your admirable sire

I had acknowledge that I dreaded

An explosion of his ire

I was overcome with panic

For his temper was volcanic

And I didn't dare revolt

For I feared a thunderbolt

I was always very wary

For his fury was ecstatic

His refined vocabulary

Most unpleasantly emphatic.

To the thunder of this tartar

I knocked under like a martyr

Very intently he was fuming

I was gently unassuming

When reviling me completely

I was smiling very sweetly.

I was smiling very sweetly, very sweetly

Giving him the very best

And getting back the very worst

That is how I tried to train your great progenitor at first.

Giving him the very best

And getting back the very worst

That is how I tried to train your great progenitor at first

{Next day.}

Maud:  Where is ‘e this morning, then?

Dame Hilda: Who, Maud?

Maud:  ‘im, the ‘unchback of notary dam.

Dame Hilda: He's still in bed, dear. After the late night we had, we thought that maybe Jean-Pierre would like a lie-in.

Maud: What time did you get to bed, then?

Dame Hilda: What time was it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, well after three, Hilda.

Maud: What were yer doing till three o'clock in the mornin’?

Dame Hilda: Well, as a matter of fact, the Doctor and I were posing.

Maud: Disgusting.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, there was nothing disgusting about it, Maud, you see, Jean-Pierre is a very talented artist, he asked if he could paint us, so we posed for him.

Maud: You didn't pose in the, uh...

Dame Hilda: In the kitchen. No, dear, no, in the music room.

Dr. Hinge: That's right. I was supposed to be Calliope, you see.

Dame Hilda:  And I was Eurydice, holding a bunch of grapes above my head.

Dr. Hinge: No, after half an hour it was a bunch of stalks, dear.

Maud: Where is this painting, then?

Dame Hilda: Well, Jean-Pierre isn't going to let us see it until it's finished.

Maud: Likely story, I bet there ain't no painting, I bet he can't even paint, I've read about people like him in the Sunday papers.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't be stupid.

Maud: You won't say that when you're strapped to a camel in the desert, being sold to one of these oil sheikhs.

Dame Hilda: My dear Maud, what are you talking about?

Maud: Well, this fella in the Sunday paper, he were a Frenchy man, or so he told this woman.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, but I mean, what has all this got to do with Jean-Pierre and us?

Maud: Because this woman posed for ‘im, ‘e got ‘er drunk, and the next thing she knows, she's strapped to a camel in the desert, forty quid ‘e got for ‘er, forty quid and an old lawnmower.

Dame Hilda:  But Maud, dear, where did he get a lawnmower in the desert?

Maud: Them sheikhs can afford anything. Anyway, they got the Frenchy man for impostoring, turns out ‘e were a sanitary inspector from ‘uddersfield.

Dame Hilda:  But you don't want to believe all you read in the Sunday papers, dear?

Maud: But there were a photograph. What can't speak can't lie, I says, there were a picture of ‘im unblocking a drain outside the town ‘all.

Dr. Hinge: In the desert?

Maud: Yes, you watch ‘im. ‘e's a Don Juan, Dame ‘ilda. I intends to keep out of ‘is way.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now that's a pity, Maud, because I was hoping you'd take him a cup of tea up to bed.

Maud: Not likely. I'm not going nowhere near ‘is bedroom.

Dame Hilda:  Why not, dear?

Maud: ‘e could be lurking, waiting to pounce. Besides, it ain't decent going into a man's bedroom, what would my Arthur say?

Dr. Hinge: How would Arthur know?

Dame Hilda: He might be in the wardrobe feeding the camel. Well, come on, Maud, do something,

make some toast...

Dr. Hinge: Ah, Jean-Pierre, bonjour.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, bonjour, Evadne, bonjour, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Bonjour, Jean-Pierre.

Jean-Pierre: Bonjour, Maud.

Maud: I'm not listening.

Dr. Hinge: I trust you slept well, Jean-Pierre.

Jean-Pierre:  Pardon, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: J'espère que vous avez bien dormi.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, oui, très confortable, très bien, merci.

Maud: Dame ‘ilda​?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear?

Maud:  ‘e's wearing a dressing gown.

Dame Hilda: I know, dear, do you want him to take it off or something?

Maud: I do not, but it's a red un.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, dear.

Maud: Well?

Dame Hilda: Well, what?

Maud:  You know what they say about men that wears red dressing gowns?

Dame Hilda:  No, dear.

Maud: Well, I'm not telling yer, yer can find out for yerself.

Dame Hilda: I don't think I shall be bothering, dear. Now then, Jean-Pierre, what would you like for breakfast? A poached egg on camel err... toast. Sorry about that, I don't know why I said camel.

Jean-Pierre: No, no, no, thank you, Hilda. I will have café noir.

Dame Hilda: Certainly, dear, black or white?

Jean-Pierre: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good, one of each, right?

Dr. Hinge: Jean-Pierre petit dejeuner​?

Maud: I'm not staying ‘ere to listen to this filth, I'll be in the kitchen.

Jean-Pierre: Au revoir Maud

Maud: Disgusting!

Dame Hilda: Now then, Jean-Pierre, what would you like to do after breakfast?

Dr. Hinge: I've just asked him that, dear, and he said he'd like to sit out in the garden.

Dame Hilda: Oh, vous, err... vous would like to relaxe all la déchire au jardin.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, oui.

Dame Hilda: You see, dear, you're not the only one who can parlez-vous.

{Garden.}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda Bracket, do you realise you've been sitting out here for over an hour?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I was going to come in, dear, but I thought it's only right to keep our guest company.

Dr. Hinge: Very commendable, dear, there's just one thing, he's not here.

Dame Hilda: Ah, not at the moment, he's just popped into his room to fetch his, uh... sketch pad.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, has he spotted something in the garden he'd like to sketch?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear.

Dr. Hinge: What's that?

Dame Hilda:  Me.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, just you?

Dame Hilda: Apparently, you see, he wanted to capture the mood of the moment.

Dr. Hinge: Without me?

Dame Hilda: Well, you weren't part of the mood, dear, you see, or the moment, I imagine you were up to your neck in cream cheese and margarine.

Jean-Pierre:  Evadne avec Hilda {Speaks in french.}

Dame Hilda: What did he say, dear?

Dr. Hinge: He said, can Hilda go and make the sandwiches while he sketches me?

Dame Hilda: I don't believe you.

Dr. Hinge:  Just a joke, dear, just a joke, he wants to sketch us together.

Dame Hilda: What a marvellous idea.

Dr. Hinge: Tres bien

Jean-Pierre: Tres bien

Dame Hilda: What did he say then, dear?

Dr. Hinge: He said, could Hilda do a somersault into the goldfish pond?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, he didn't.

Dr. Hinge: No, he didn't, of course he didn't. He wants us to sit here and act naturally.

Dame Hilda: You mean glare at each other?

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no, no. Pretend we're having a conversation.

Dame Hilda: Why, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, so that we look natural, you see.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes.

Dr. Hinge: Of course, to look really natural, you should be doing most of the talking.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, dear?

Dame Hilda: I can't think of anything to say.

Dr. Hinge: Say anything at all, dear, it doesn't matter.

Dame Hilda:  Anything about what?

Dr. Hinge:  Well, anything about anything, absolutely anything at all.

Dame Hilda: Oh, right, anything about anything,

Dr. Hinge:  Yes.

Dame Hilda:  I see, I called in at Buckingham Palace this morning, dear.

Dr. Hinge: That's nice.

Dame Hilda: Yes, they were having a jumble sale.

Dr. Hinge:  Anything worth having?

Dame Hilda:  Well, I got a couple of old tiaras and a sentry box.

Dr. Hinge: Very useful, dear, a sentry box.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and a bargain at 10p. Especially as it included the guardsman inside.

Dr. Hinge:  A bargain indeed.

Dame Hilda: Of course, I didn't bother to buy the imperial state coach. I thought, well, it's a bit much at £1.50. And I bumped into Maud there, you know.

Dr. Hinge: Really?

Dame Hilda: Yes, she bought a throne. Just to put in Tom's sidecar. Of course, you see the trouble was Prince Philip wanted us to stay for the whist drive. I told him, I said, look, I'm sorry, Philip, I've got to get home because the Pope's coming for supper.

Dr. Hinge: I didn't know that, dear.

Dame Hilda: Well, why do you think I bought all that spaghetti?

{Cricket match.}

Dame Hilda: There, Jean-Pierre, you see? That was LBW.

Jean-Pierre: Eh, pardon?

Dame Hilda: Leg before wicket.

Jean-Pierre: But he had two legs before wicket.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, but one leg doesn't matter.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, he had to hop?

Dame Hilda: No, oh, no, dear, no, he doesn't have to hop, still, I suppose he could if he wanted to.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I say, well hit, Donald.

Dame Hilda:  You see, Jean-Pierre, he's hit the ball and he's running from there to there and that's a run.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, simple but obvious.

Dr. Hinge: Now he's running back again.

Jean-Pierre: He forgets something.

Dame Hilda: No, that's how you score. You see, the more you run, the more you score.

Jean-Pierre: Now, as they all run, does that mean a big score?

Dame Hilda: No, it means it's raining.

Dr. Hinge:  Come along, Hilda, let's dash to the pavilion, it looks like an early tea.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you're right. we must fill that tea urn. Jean-Pierre, come along, dear, and follow us.

{Pavilion.}

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud, for filling that tea urn for us, pity you left the tap on.

Dr. Hinge: It's a pity about the vicar's flannels as well.

Dame Hilda: Well, he shouldn't have been first in the queue, dear, and you don't blame Maud all the time, anyone can make a mistake.

Maud: Should I fill it up again, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, I don't think so, dear, you can put out the cups and the plates.

Maud: Yes, now where are they then?

Dame Hilda: They're in that box over there underneath... oh, it isn't there.

Maud: Box?

Dame Hilda: Yes, the one containing the cardboard plates and the plastic cups.

Maud: Oh, Lor!

Dr. Hinge:  Wait for it, Hilda.

Maud:  I thought it were rubbish, I put it in the incinerator.

Dame Hilda: She burned them, she burned the crockery.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you did say she wouldn't break it, dear.

Dame Hilda: And I was right, it's gone up in smoke.

Dr. Hinge: Anyone can make a mistake.

Dame Hilda: Oh, do be quiet, Evadne, please.

Maud:  Well, the Doctor's right, though, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: And you, Maud... you can go to...to the church hall and borrow their crockery.

Jean-Pierre: Excuse me, ladies. the empire, he say...

Dame Hilda: Umpire, dear?

Jean-Pierre: Oh, yes, yes. British umpire, he say… when are you ready with tea?

Dame Hilda: I'm afraid that Maud has cast a shadow over the whole proceedings.

Jean-Pierre: How you say...bad light stopped tea.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Brian Johnston.

Crowd: Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting?

Dr. Hinge:  Do something, Hilda, do something, the natives are getting restless

Dame Hilda: Yes, silence, please, everybody. Please, can I have your attention? Please, just one minute. Now, everybody, please, your attention. Thank you, I'm afraid there's been a slight contretemps.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, contretemps, very good, your French improve.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Jean-Pierre, don't interrupt, thank you dear, yes. Now, due to circumstances beyond our control and Maud's, there will be a slight delay in serving the refreshments. However, as you all appear to be in a good voice and ready for a sing-song, the Doctor and I thought we would start the ball rolling.

Dr. Hinge: You never miss an opportunity, do you, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, I had to keep them here somehow. I mean, if they had gone home, we'd be eating cream cheese sandwiches for a fortnight.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, I suppose so, well, once more into the breach, dear.

Dame Hilda: Well, now, boys, a song that I know you always associate with your sport.

When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of a storm is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor