Dr. Hinge: I do not want to go, Hilda. I just do not want to go.

Dame Hilda: Well, neither do I, dear, but we've got to go. We promised Leonard.

Dr. Hinge: The prospect of sitting on that horsehair settee for an hour, listening to Violet go on and on appals me.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, dear. I know exactly how you feel. She was on the phone for over an hour this morning while you were at the hairdresser's.

Dr. Hinge: Thank goodness we weren't paying for the call.

Dame Hilda: We were, dear. You see, I rang her to see if we could get out of going.

Dr. Hinge: Obviously you didn't succeed.

Dame Hilda: I was lucky to get in... Hello, Violet, this is Hilda. Well, you can tell, I left the phone twice to answer the door and she never noticed I'd gone.

Dr. Hinge: She'll monopolise the whole evening and you know what she'll say at ten o'clock. Good heavens, it's ten o'clock and you haven't sung a song for us yet.

Dame Hilda: I know, dear, but it is for Leonard's sake that we're going. He's so on edge. I suppose it's understandable that he wants the music to be right for his daughter's wedding.

Dr. Hinge: But, Hilda, I can play the wedding march backwards.

Dame Hilda: Well, possibly that's why he wants this little get together, to make sure you don't.

Dr. Hinge:  I don't think it's Leonard's idea at all. It's Violet, she just wants a couple of listeners.

Dame Hilda: Well, just do what I do, dear. As soon as Niagara starts, let your mind go blank, keep saying yes and don't go to sleep. Now, come on, dear, get your coat on.

{ The Percival’s.}

Violet: I told him, I said, if you think I'm paying that for a cabbage, you've got another think coming.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes I know Vi….

Violet: Leonard was with me, weren't you, Leonard?

Leonard: Oh, I was.

Violet: You go in one day and they've gone up three pence from the day before. It's not right. I told him it's not right. I said, it's not right, my housekeeping doesn't go up from day to day.

Dr. Hinge: No, I don't suppose for a moment that it does.

Violet: Leonard will vouch for that, won't you, Leonard?

Leonard: Oh, I will.

Violet: It wasn't like that when his father had it. Old Mr. Davenport. Now, there was a gentleman. You wouldn't catch old Mr. Davenport putting three pence on a cabbage. Do you remember old Mr. Davenport?

Dame Hilda: Well, I think that I...

Violet: Oh, you must do. Great big man. Leonard knew him ever so well. Oh, they've had some wonderful times together. Leonard's always talking about him, aren't you, Leonard?

Leonard: Oh, I am. I remember one day...

Violet: Always talking about him,

Dr. Hinge: Yes, quite fascinating. Do you think we could...

Violet: He had a funny wife, though. Do you know what I mean?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think I do…

Violet: Very quiet, you know. Never had much to say, very quiet. Well, at least that's how I always found her.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I suppose you would.

Violet: Mind you, what a knitter. I say, what a knitter. Scarves, cardigans, pullovers, you name it, she could knit it. She never stopped, she just went on and on and on. Do you know what I mean?

Dame Hilda: We do, dear, yes.

Violet: Whenever you went to that house, you couldn't sit down for balls of wool. I don't know how her husband put up with her. I know Leonard wouldn't.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's obvious, isn't it, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it is.

Violet: He frightens me when he's roused, you know.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I've noticed.

Dame Hilda: Yes, it's a man's world.

Violet: I've always said that. Anyway, let me make you a cup of tea, you must be thirsty after all this talking.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble for us, Violet.

Violet: Not at all, don't be silly, Hilda. It only takes a minute to make a cup of tea.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't rush, Violet, there's no hurry.

Leonard: There aren't many like Violet.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, you can say that again.

Leonard: Oh, she's so excited about the wedding. Dr McIntyre has given her some pills to quieten her down.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, don't worry, Leonard. Sometimes these pills do take a long time to work. How many of the family are coming, dear?

Leonard: Oh, quite a few. There's Violet's sisters, Primrose, Lily, Flora and Poppy, her cousins Rose, Heather and Daisy, and of course, Auntie Jasmine.

Dr. Hinge: Quite a bunch. Tell me, Leonard, are they all sleeping in the same bed?

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's very funny, dear. Yes, I like that. I wish I'd thought of it. It'll be nice to see Auntie Jasmine again.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, she must be getting on now, Leonard?

Leonard: Oh, yes, she is, ninety-three, if she's spared till November.

Dame Hilda: Just imagine, Evadne, ninety-three. Does she still ride her bicycle, then?

Leonard: Oh, she does.

Dame Hilda: Ninety-three and still peddling, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Amazing.

Leonard: Mind you, she's had to give up the squash.

Dame Hilda:  Gone on the barley water, then, has she?

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, very good, dear.

Violet: Now, help yourselves, ladies.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, this looks lovely, Violet.

Violet: Here's your tea, Hilda, and yours, Evadne.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, thank you, dear, thank you.

Violet: Here's your glass of hot water, Leonard.

Dame Hilda: Hot water? Are you going to soak your feet?

Violet: Leonard couldn't go to bed without his glass of hot water. He's been taking it over 25 years. Dr Pritchard prescribed it when Leonard contracted colic on bonfire night, 1952.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, and is it feeling any easier now, then?

Leonard: I only had the one twinge.

Dr. Hinge: Don't you think you could stop taking the water now, then, Leonard?

Violet: Oh, Dr Pritchard was very adamant, don't stop till I tell you, he said.

Leonard: Then he died. Anyway, good health.

Violet: Ahem, I haven't told you about Marigold and Sidney's little house yet, have I?

Dame Hilda: No, not yet, Violet.

Violet: Oh, you would like it, Hilda. The wallpaper in the hall is beautiful, I chose it for them, sort of deep maroon with gold cherries running across diagonally…..{Fades}

Violet: Lovely maroon bathroom suite that I chose for them. Oh, it's a picture, with the ducks in flight over the mirror. Oh, and Sidney did all the tiling himself, you know, lovely tiles, maroon, I chose them.

Dame Hilda: That's been a marvellous conducted tour, Violet. I feel I know the place intimately.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, we certainly know what colour it is.

Violet: Oh, good heavens, it's ten o'clock and you haven't sung a song for us yet.

Dr. Hinge: Well, come on, Hilda, let's sing for our supper. It's one of your favourites, isn't it?  Rather appropriate, I think.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, it's from the Mikado. It's the lovely duet in Act Two that Katisha sings with Coco. Doctor's going to play Coco. I shall be Katisha, the elderly, ugly lady of the court. So you'll have to imagine all that bit, of course. All right, then, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Right.

Dame Hilda: Yes, lovely.

There is beauty in the bellow of the blast

There is grandeur in the growling of the gale

Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim

And earthquakes only terrify the dolts

But to him who’s scientific

There is nothing that’s terrific

In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts

Yes, in spite of all my meekness

If I have a little weakness

It’s a passion for a flight of thunderbolts

If that is so

Sing derry down derry

It’s evident very

Our tastes are one

Away we’ll go

And merrily marrying

Nor tardily tarry

Till day is done

There is beauty in extreme old age

Do you fancy you are elderly enough

Information I’m requesting

On a subject interesting

Is a maiden all the better when she’s tough

Throughout this wide dominion

It’s the general opinion

That she’ll last a good deal longer when she’s tough

Are you old enough to marry do you think

Won’t you wait until you’re eighty in the shade

There’s a fascination frantic

In a ruin that’s romantic

Do you think you are sufficiently decayed

To the matter that you mention

I have given some attention

And I think I am sufficiently decayed

If that is so

Sing derry down derry

It’s evident very

Our tastes are one

Away we’ll go

And merrily marrying

Nor tardily tarry

Till day is done

Violet: I do hope you'll sing that at the reception tomorrow

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry, we'll bring a selection.

Dr. Hinge:  I rather think we should be going, dear, it is getting quite late.

Dame Hilda: Well, right you are, dear. Well, thank you for a lovely evening, Violet.

Violet: Oh, a pleasure. Leonard, get your coat and walk the ladies home.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, he doesn't have to, Violet.

Violet: But he insists, Hilda. You must have protection. I always feel safer when Leonard's with me.

Dame Hilda: There's just one thing that worries me, though, Violet. Who's going to walk back with Leonard?

{Wedding day.}

Dr. Hinge: Now, good morning, dear, lovely morning.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm so pleased for Sidney and Marigold. You know the old maxim, happy is the bride the sun shines on?

Dr. Hinge: I do, indeed. But the old maxim never mentions anything about the sun shining on the bridegroom.

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't really think it's relevant in Sidney's case, dear, you said yourself that he's like a wet weekend. And how's Milton this morning, eh? Who's his mummy's little darling? Yes, I know he’s a pretty boy, look at him running up and down his little ladder, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, stupid bird.

Dame Hilda: He's excited about something. I wonder if he knows about Sidney and Marigold. Does he know about Sidney and Marigold, then, eh? Does he want to tell mummy? Do you want to go to the wedding, darling?

Dr. Hinge: Maybe he fancies a wedding of his own.

Dame Hilda: What do you mean, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, you know, get married to a bird of the opposite... you know, a female?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, he doesn't, no, no. He's quite happy here with his mummy, aren't you, Milton?

Dr. Hinge: How can you possibly know that, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, he's never said anything to the contrary about it to me. Anyway, he's not interested in that sort of thing.

Dr. Hinge: What sort of thing?

Dame Hilda: You know what he did to that plastic budgie we put in his cage?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, yes, I'd forgotten about that.

Dame Hilda:  Well, I shall never forget it. Nor the effect it had on him. Poor little thing, kept his head in his bell for three weeks.

Dr. Hinge: Well, let's just hope Marigold doesn't affect Sidney the same way, dear.

Dame Hilda: You know, I think I'll let Milton out of his cage. Let him work off a little surplus energy.

Dr. Hinge: You're not letting him out while I'm in the room.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, don't be so pernickety, he won't land on your head.

Dr. Hinge: That's what you said last time and he ripped my hair net to shreds.

Dame Hilda:  I'm sorry, Milton. Sorry, darling. Auntie Evadne won't let you come out. Yes, I know, darling, that's exactly what I think of her, too, yes, she's a naughty little girl.

Dr. Hinge:  It's pathetic.

Dame Hilda: I don't care what you say, Evadne, I'm going to open his cage door. And if he wants to come out, he can.

Dr. Hinge: Well, he can have the room for himself. I shall go out and cut a few roses.

Dame Hilda: There aren't any worth cutting.

Dr. Hinge: Of course there are, look down there by... Hilda, what's that in the garden?

Dame Hilda: Where, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Up there, something moving by the sweet peas.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, is it old Mrs. Austin's tortoise? It does go nosing around the place.

Dr. Hinge: A bit like old Mrs. Austin.

Dame Hilda: Well, whatever it is, dear, it seems to be caught up in the sweet pea netting. Come along, dear, let's go and investigate.

Dr. Hinge: Are we all right to go into the garden in our dressing gowns, dear?

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't think we need to be embarrassed in front of a tortoise.

Dr. Hinge: I meant the weather. It's suddenly become rather overcast.

Dame Hilda: Well, we'll only be gone a couple of minutes, dear. I won't be long, Milton.

{Outside.}

Dame Hilda: It's a hedgehog, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I can see that, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, come on. I lift the string and you lift the hedgehog.

Dr. Hinge: I was going to suggest that you lift the hedgehog.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, don't be so squeamish.

Dr. Hinge: I'm not being squeamish, Hilda, I have the organ to play this afternoon and I don't want to puncture my fingers.

Dame Hilda: Oh, all right. Come along, little fella, me lad. That's it, who's been a naughty boy, then, eh? Who's got himself caught in Auntie Hilda's stringy-wingy? Oh, look at that, he's curling up.

Dr. Hinge: So am I.

Dame Hilda: Oh, do let's keep him, dear. We could give him a good home.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we could put him in the cage with Milton.

Dame Hilda: They are good for the garden. I do believe they eat slugs.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, a pity they don't eat budgerigars. Now, put him on the lawn, dear, and let's get inside, it's gone quite chilly.

Dame Hilda: Bye-bye, Prickles, back to your natural habitat.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, we're locked out.

Dame Hilda: We can't be.

Dr. Hinge: We are, dear, we're locked out.

Dr. Hinge: Quite.

Dame Hilda: Well, how did you manage to do that, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I haven't locked us out.

Dame Hilda: Well, I certainly haven't, dear, so it must have been you.

Dr. Hinge: I say again, I did not lock us out. You were last out of the house.

Dame Hilda: Now, that's typical of you, you see, dear. It's always someone else and never you. I can distinctly remember opening the door and being first out because I stood on the top step and I stood to one side to let you come past and when you come past, I... Oh, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear what, dear?

Dame Hilda: I closed the door.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you.

Dame Hilda: I assumed, of course, that you had taken the door off the latch.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, you see, dear, I do find it a trifle difficult to take the door off the latch when you're opening it.

Dame Hilda: Well, yes, I grant you I'm partly to blame.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, partly to blame? It had nothing to do with me at all.

Dame Hilda: Thank goodness I opened Milton's cage.

Dr. Hinge: What on earth has that got to do with it?

Dame Hilda: You'll see. Come on over to the window,  {Knocks window!} Milton! Milton, it's Mummy, dear, yes, I know he's a pretty boy, come on, Milton, out of your cage. Where's the latch key, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: On the little table.

Dame Hilda: Milton, Milton, can you go to the little table, darling? Pick up the latch key in your beak, yes, I know he's a pretty boy, and fly down the hall to the letterbox.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I despair, for an intelligent woman, at times you talk the most utter drivel. You’re besotted by that bird, bringing the key in his beak, indeed.

Dame Hilda: But he can understand every word I say to him.

Dr. Hinge: Well, he's one up on me.

Dame Hilda: Look, he's nodding his head.

Dr. Hinge: Very impressive, Hilda. I think you'd have more chance with the hedgehog. Now, we shall have to think of another way and quickly, I distinctly felt a spot of rain.

Dame Hilda: Nonsense, it's your imagination.

{Thunder!}

Dr. Hinge:  I always had a vivid imagination.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, what are we going to do?

Dr. Hinge: Get wet.

Dame Hilda: Milton, Milton, darling, don't stand in your cage door, dear. It's dangerous in a thunderstorm.

Dr. Hinge: What about us out here? It's all your fault, Hilda Bracket, coming out to that stupid hedgehog.

Dame Hilda: Now, don't get upset, Evadne. all our worries are over.

Dr. Hinge: Why, has the house caught fire?

Dame Hilda: No, look, dear, the bathroom window's open.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, splendid. Now, all we have to do is jump 15 feet onto the porch roof and we're as good as in.

Dame Hilda: We don't have to jump 15 feet at all, dear, all you have to do is shin up that drain pipe.

Dr. Hinge: I refuse to shin up anything. Now, this calls for drastic action, pass me that clothes prop.

Dame Hilda: You're not going to pole vault your way in.

Dr. Hinge: I am going to break the French windows.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you can't do that, Evadne, I only cleaned them yesterday.

Dr. Hinge:  Stand back, Hilda, give me room.

Dame Hilda: Wouldn't you be better with a brick, dear? I mean, a clothes prop is a bit unwieldy.

Dr. Hinge: Be quiet, Hilda. You've done quite enough damage for one day as it is.

{Smash!}

Dame Hilda: Well done, dear. I suppose you'd forgotten that the greenhouse was behind you.

{Church.}

Violet: Wasn’t it a lovely service.

Leonard: Oh, it was.

Dr. Hinge: You know, the choir was in good voice.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, he was, wasn't he? Yes, pleasant little voice, Douglas.

Violet: We did ask for the full choir, didn't we, Leonard?

Dame Hilda: Well, you weren't to know that the other two were going to catch measles.

Violet: Oh, tell me what you thought of Marigold's dress.

Dame Hilda:  Eer, yes. eer, yes, yes, it was very nice, very nice, wasn't it, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, yes, very nice, indeed, very nice.

Violet: I, um, I designed and made it myself, you know.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you could tell, oh, yes.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it had your handiwork stamped all over it, Violet, all over it.

Violet: You wouldn't think I finished it in a hurry, would you?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, no, good heavens, did you really?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, you couldn't tell, you couldn't tell at all.

Dame Hilda: No, I don't think anybody would have noticed that you'd run out of white cotton. As I say, it was very nice. Pity about Sidney's top hat, wasn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, I know what you mean, dear, he was all right when he was holding it.

Dame Hilda: Yes, it was when he put it on, he sort of disappeared.

Violet: I thought Sidney looked very nice.

Dame Hilda: Oh, he did, Violet, he looked very nice.

Dr. Hinge: I just thought to myself, thank goodness for his ears.

 {Reception.}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, I brought you another glass of Mrs Smollett's homemade elderberry wine.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, dear, that is a pity. I don't think I dare pour any more into this potted palm.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it is looking rather woe begone. I've been drinking mine.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, then it's only a matter of minutes before you start wilting. Oh, hello, Mrs Smollett, beautiful wine, dear, yes, has a lovely bouquet, if you like vinegar.

Dr. Hinge: What did you think of the cake, dear?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes, very sad, poor Mrs Conners.

Dr. Hinge:  She must have modelled it on the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, don't Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it came down with such a crash.

Dame Hilda: I think she made a mistake in trying to incorporate the bride and groom's initials on the bottom tier.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I know what you mean, she should have left more space between the two sets of letters.

Dame Hilda: Or abandoned the idea altogether. I mean, with names like Sidney Underwood and Marigold Percival. There it was in pink icing, SUMP. Hello, Mrs Conners! just saying, lovely cake, dear, you must give me the recipe, if there is one.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, look out, Hilda. I think were wanted, Violet is bearing down on us.

Dame Hilda: Oh, hello, dear.

Violet: Now, then, ladies. When you're ready, Leonard's all set to announce you.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, so soon?

Violet: Well, you know, Evadne, Sidney and Marigold want to get away, it's only natural.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I suppose it must be.

Violet: And Sidney doesn't like driving in the dark.

Dr. Hinge: He better not wear his top hat then.

Dame Hilda: Where are they going, Violet?

Violet: Well, Sidney wanted to tour Scotland and Marigold wanted to go to Cornwall. So, in the end, they decided to compromise and they're going to Cornwall.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm sure they'll be very happy.

Violet: Oh, yes. don't you think they're ideally suited?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do.

Violet: You know this is one of the happiest days of my life. Sob!

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, don't let's get weepy, Violet. Just think, you're not losing Marigold, but you're gaining Sidney.

Dr. Hinge: Probably why she's crying.

Violet: Yes, well, if you're ready, I'll tell Leonard to announce you. Ladies and gentlemen and friends, I'm now going to ask my husband, Leonard, to tell you that Dame Hilda and the Doctor are about to entertain us. All right, Leonard, off you go.

Leonard: Ladies and gentlemen and friends, Dame Hilda and the Doctor are about to entertain us.

Violet: Word perfect, Leonard.

Dame Hilda: Are you ready, then?

Dr. Hinge: I think so, yes, yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, straight in a nice little bit of Novello, it never does any harm.

A maiden sits in her lonely room

Her door is bolted and barred.

They've slammed the door in her tear-stained face

Her parents were cruel and hard.

And what has she done, this maiden fair

To whom has she given her love

She's given her love to an organist

Who plays like an angel above

But what is the sound that breaks her ears

Like the sound of a clarion call

It is only her father going to bed

And blowing his nose in the hall

The house is still as a house can be

And a glimmer of light is seen.
But then, didn't she hear the sound

That breaks her ears so deep

Regardless of family, tears and scoffs

The lovers have wasted no time.

And there in the shrubbery breathing hard.

Is a man with a ladder to the climb

She goes to the window and flings it wide,

Exposing her maidenly charms.
And there in a minute her lover's inside

And holding her close in his arms.

Oh, where's the coach, she whispers low

It is there, where it cannot be seen.

And where will it take us, her cheeks aglow

It will take us to Gretna Green.

Goodbye to the home where my girlhood was spent

Goodbye to the church where I played all through Lent

Goodbye to my parents, so hard and so proud
I never quite liked them, Stop thinking aloud

There in the moonlight, the coachman is waiting

Asking a fortune for every delay.
Why does he tremble from heart to teeth

Time waits for no one, we’re off and away.

Cloppity-Clop, Cloppity-Clop

The lovers are safely inside

Cloppity-Clop,Cloppity-Clop

Oh what wonderful ride

Time's a-beating just like a clock

Till the coachman got so cross

Till he thought he’d got them lost.

The Forge is open wide

Sturdy Blacksmith make us one

Lest my lady is undone

So before the setting sun

Sturdy Blacksmith make us one

In triumph, in triumph

In triumph over you

Two lovers who flew to Gretna Green

Two lovers who flew to Gretna Green

Cloppity-Clop,Cloppity-Clop

Cloppity-Clop,Cloppity-Clop

Two lovers who flew to Gretna Green

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor