This is my lovely day

This is the day I shall remember the day I'm dying

They can't take this away

It will be always mine, the sun and the wine

The sea birds crying

All happiness must pay

And who can tell if fate means well

Or the sky is lying

But look at me and say

You will remember too that this was our lovely day

Dr. Hinge: Ah, you sang that beautifully, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I did, didn't I, yes, helped, of course, by your impeccable accompaniment, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yes, if I may say so, you know you're playing better than ever.

Dr. Hinge: And you, Hilda, have certainly improved with, um...

Dame Hilda: With what, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I was going to say age.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought you were, yes.

Dr. Hinge: But that's not quite the right choice of word, is it, dear?

Dame Hilda: No, not quite. Perhaps it would be if I was a bottle of wine.

Dr. Hinge:  Now, you know I didn't mean to imply that your voice has ever been less than perfect.

Dame Hilda: Of course you didn't, dear. Now, is there any other business?

Dr. Hinge: Any other business?

Dame Hilda: Before I bring this meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society to a close.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, I see what you mean.

Dame Hilda:  After all, we have rather a lot to do before the onslaught of our guests.

Dr. Hinge: If we have any guests, dear, the weather looks rather threatening.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, a few snowflakes won't put them off, dear, because they know I've organised this whist drive for a very good cause.

Dr. Hinge: I still think it would have been better to hold it in the church hall.

Dame Hilda:  The roof leaks, dear, and incidentally, that's the good cause.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see, to raise money to repair the roof?

Dame Hilda: No, to send a basket of fruit to the verger.

Dr. Hinge: Pardon, dear?

Dame Hilda: He was the one who fell through the roof, dear, otherwise it wouldn't be leaking. You know, Evadne, while you've been away visiting your mother, you've certainly missed a lot of fun.

Dr. Hinge:  It sounds like it.

Dame Hilda:  Actually, I was in the church hall when the unfortunate incident took place. I'm glad Milton wasn't there, he'd have certainly picked up a few new words.

Dr. Hinge: I can imagine the verger's language can be somewhat salty.

Dame Hilda: Not that I understood what he was saying, of course.

Dr. Hinge: Of course not.

Dame Hilda: Well, not all of it. Anyway, Evadne, I think we ought to make a start on this evening's refreshments, would you cut the bread, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Certainly, Hilda. I'll cut, and you can shuffle, ha, ha, ha!

Dame Hilda: I can shuffle what, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  The slices! It was a joke, Hilda, I mean, we're having a whist drive, you see, and you can cut and shuffle cards, you see.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes, yes, very good, dear, yes, one of your better ones, comparatively speaking. Well, come on, dear, let's busy ourselves, now, there's lots to do, there's chairs to arrange, and I thought perhaps we could put the chairs…

 {Later.}

Wind howling!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, Hilda! will you come inside and close the door?

Dame Hilda: I'm coming, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, that's better, you'll have a snowdrift up the staircase.

Dame Hilda:  I was only putting some salt on the stone steps to help melt the snow.

Dr. Hinge: You know, Hilda, I'm sure you would have tried to put out the great fire of London with a soda syphon, you'd need two tons of salt to have any effect out there.

Dame Hilda: Well, I was only trying to think of the safety of our guests.

Dr. Hinge:  What guests? I think you're being very optimistic, Hilda. Only an idiot would venture out in this weather.

Dame Hilda: Look, dear, through the window, look, coming up the path, it's Maud.

Dr. Hinge: What did I tell you?

Dame Hilda: She said she'd come a little earlier to give us a hand. Poor Maud, she looks like the abominable snowman.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, she probably is the abominable snowman, dear.

Dame Hilda: Quickly, dear, open the front door for her.

Maud: Oh, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: Come in dear, come in, that's it. Oh, Maud, dear, you look frozen stiff.

Maud:  Oh, I am. I can 'ardly open and close me mouth.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good.

Dame Hilda: Stop it, Evadne, and help me with Maud's coat.

Maud: I put Tom's old balaclava on.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I was just going to say how much it suited you, dear.

Maud: Arthur said I should 'ave worn it back t' front.

Dame Hilda:  Maud, uh... you don't mind me mentioning this, but you're only wearing one Wellington boot.

Maud: I know, Dame 'ilda, I couldn't find t'other one, I think Arthur's used it fer somethin'.

Dame Hilda:  Yes.

Maud: Anyway, I thought one's better than none at all.

Dr. Hinge: But what's that you're wearing on your other leg?

Maud: Well, it's a plastic dustbin liner, it's all right, it did the trick, few elastic bands round me leg 'olds it on.

Dame Hilda: Very inventive, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: I still think it would look better on a dustbin.

Maud: I bet that balaclava's spoilt me 'air, 'asn't it?

Dame Hilda: Well, uh... it's hard to say, really, Maud, look, uh... why don't we go and sit round the fire? now, come on, dear, you can borrow a pair of my slippers, Maud.

Maud: Oh, don't think I'll ever be able to get me Wellington boot off, Dame 'ilda, I think me foot's swollen.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear.

Maud: Well, it's me own fault, I should 'ave put on me elastic stockin'.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, well, then you could have bounced here, couldn't you?

Maud: Well, when do we start?

Dame Hilda: Start what, dear?

Maud: Start getting the food ready.

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's all done, Evadne and I have been working all afternoon, there's just the cream to whip for the trifle.

Maud: Oh, I'll whip yer cream for yer.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no, you won't, Maud!

Maud: Why?

Dame Hilda: I think the doctor's right, dear, the last time you whipped the cream, there was more on the ceiling than on the trifle. Now, we can sit here and wait for them to arrive, they won't be long.

Dr. Hinge:  I think you're being optimistic, Hilda.

Maud: Oh, this snow will go soon, you mark my words.

Dr. Hinge: Maud the meteorologist.

Maud: Well, it's white, you see.

Dame Hilda: What is, Maud?

Maud: This snow.

Dame Hilda: Amazing.

Maud: White snow never stays.

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't really think they'd agree with you in the Arctic North.

Maud:  It's true, you think back, whenever you've seen mucky snow, it's been there weeks.

Dr. Hinge:  I despair.

Dame Hilda: But you must admit, dear, in a funny sort of way, she's right.

{Phone rings.}

Maud: Oh, if that's my Arthur tell 'im 'is tea's in the bin, I burned it.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Stackton 295... Oh, hello, Donald... It's Donald, dear... yes, shocking, isn't it?... well, I don't know, but according to the expert, as long as it's not white.

Dame Hilda:  Ask him what time they're coming, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  Really, Donald?...oh, that is a pity, yes...yes...yes.

Dame Hilda: Ask him what time they're coming?

Dr. Hinge: Yes...yes, I can imagine.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, what time are they coming?

Dr. Hinge:  Well, give her our love, Donald, I quite understand.

Dame Hilda: Tell him I've made his favourite sandwiches, crab.

Dr. Hinge: All right, Donald, thanks for ringing, don't forget to give our love to your crab, bye-bye, Donald.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, you can be so irritating, what time are they coming?

Dr. Hinge:  They aren't.

Dame Hilda: Why ever not?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it is snowing.

Dame Hilda: I know, dear, but it's white.

Dr. Hinge: They set off to come, but abandoned the attempt halfway up Carters Hill, apparently, his back wheels are going round, but he isn't getting anywhere.

Maud: 'e should 'ave come in 'is car.

Dr. Hinge: He was in his car, you stupid...Maud, and what's more, he slid back and crashed into Miss Primley's little three-wheeler.

Dame Hilda: Oh, how dreadful, is anybody hurt?

Dr. Hinge: No, dear, no, but obviously, they won't be coming to the whist drive.

Dame Hilda: Oh, most unfortunate, anyway, never mind, we can manage without the Smollets and Miss Primley.

Dr. Hinge: I have news for you, Hilda, they were giving the rest of the guests a lift.

Maud: Right then, well, seeing as we're goin' to be the only ones what's comin' why don't we start?

Dame Hilda: Start what, Maud?

Maud: Well, this whist drive thing.

Dame Hilda: Maud, there are only three of us.

Maud: Well, I'll 'ave more chance o' winnin' then.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, you see, you can't play whist with three people.

Maud:  Why not? I bought a ticket, I'm entitled to me money's worth.

Dame Hilda: Yes. Well, you have a point there, Maud, and after all, you did brave the elements.

Maud: And I came through the snow.

Dame Hilda: I suppose, Evadne, we could play with a dummy hand.

Dr. Hinge: If she plays, there'll be two dummies, dear.

Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, are you any good at whist?

Maud: Well, I might be, I've never played, is it anythin' like snap? I'm good at snap, snap and 'appy families.

Dame Hilda: Well, actually, Maud, it's a little more complicated than snap.

Maud: What 'appens is, you each play a card, and if you put the same one down as the person next to you, you have to...

Dame Hilda: Yes, I do know how to play snap, Maud, can we concentrate on whist?

Maud: I always beat Arthur, 'e's not as quick as I am, you see, snap, I shouts! before 'e 'as a chance to ask for Mr. Bun the Baker.

Dame Hilda:  I've got a feeling I shall be playing Patience before long.

Maud: I dunno why Arthur always asks 'ave I got Mr. Bun the Baker, because that's one of 'em that's missing.

Dame Hilda:  Maud, can we, um…

Maud:  I think the cat chewed it.

Dame Hilda: Maud, can we concentrate on whist or you'll never learn.

Maud: Oh, sorry, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: Right. Evadne, you'll have to help me, I'll deal the cards and we can explain the game to Maud as we go along.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well.

Dame Hilda:  Now, I think we'll get somewhere. Here's your first card, Maud.

Maud: The five o' Diamonds.

Dame Hilda: What is?

Maud:  The card you've just given me.

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, you're not supposed to tell me, that will give me an advantage.

Dr. Hinge: It won't, you know it happens to be the five of Clubs.

Dame Hilda: Give it back to me, Maud, now listen very carefully, believe me, whist is really very simple, I'm determined to teach you and we'll take it in easy stages, you'll see, dear, you'll pick it up in no time, no time at all…..

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Your turn, Evadne, put a card down.

Dr. Hinge:  If you insist.

Dame Hilda:  Now you, Maud, right, now it's me,  SNAP!! Ha, ha, ha! My word, I've won again, six games, I've won in a row.

Dr. Hinge: Stupid game.

Dame Hilda: That's another five you both owe me.

Maud: Oh, 'ere you are.

Dame Hilda: And if I win the next one, I'll have a whole box of matches.

Dr. Hinge: Don't you think it's time Maud went home?

Dame Hilda: Not when I'm on a winning streak, dear.

Maud: Oh, I think I'd better, Dame 'ilda, it's very late, must be nearly half past eight.

Dr. Hinge:  Good, I'll fetch your coat.

Maud: Don't forget Tom's balaclava, 'e wears it in bed, you see.

Dr. Hinge:  Hilda, Hilda!

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Look through the curtains.

Dame Hilda:  What is it? Ooh, my goodness me, we've really had a snowstorm, the drifts are up to the windowsill, and it's still coming down, you can't possibly go home in this, Maud.

Dr. Hinge:  Of course she can.

Dame Hilda: No, I won't hear of it.

Maud: Arthur'll be worried, I'll 'ave to try and plug me way through, Dame 'ilda.

Dr. Hinge: And probably be more effective than a snowplough.

Dame Hilda: Maud, you'll have to stay here until it clears, we'll phone Arthur to say you're quite safe and not to worry.

Maud: 'e'll be worried who'll make 'is supper, I must go 'ome somehow.

{Door knocks.}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, the front door, I wonder who it is.

Dame Hilda: Nanook of the North, I should think, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  I'll go.

Maud:  I bet it's my Arthur, 'e'll be wantin' to go to bed.

Dame Hilda: Doesn't he know the way upstairs, dear?

Maud: 'e can't go to bed without me.

Dame Hilda: Such devotion.

Maud: No, it's 'is boots, I 'ave to take 'em off for 'im. 'e can't bend, you see.

Dr. Hinge: Take your coat off, George.

Maud:  Thank you, Evadne, I'll put it over this chair.

Dame Hilda: Oh, it sounds like Constable Bolsover.

Maud: Keep 'im away from me, 'e's still after me, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: Don't be silly, Maud, he's friendly with everybody.

Maud: Yes, 'e were too friendly with me yesterday in the paper shop, 'e asked me what time it was? Filthy beast.

Dame Hilda: Well, perhaps his watch had stopped.

Maud: Ah, and perhaps 'e were checking if Arthur 'ad gone to work so 'e could lurk in me garden.

Dr. Hinge: Surprise, surprise, look who's here. Constable Bolsover.

Dame Hilda: Hello, George, you don't need any introduction to Maud, do you?

Constable: Oh, I don't indeed. Evening, my dear.

Maud: Good evening.

Dr. Hinge: How have you managed to get here in this dreadful weather, George?

Constable: Ah, well, you see, I was up the topside of the village before it started snowing, up at the Fox and Hounds, I were.

Dame Hilda: Was it a social call, or were you lurking?... Er, working?

Constable:  No, strictly business, Hilda, strictly business.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and I think you've spilt some down your tunic.

Maud: 'e's lookin' at me funny.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, George, what are you doing here?

Constable: Well, you see, all the road is blocked so I left my bike at the Fox and Hounds and made my way across the fields down the hedge rows where the snow hadn't drifted.

Dame Hilda:  Ah, yes, you see, the animal instinct.

Maud: I know, Dame 'ilda.

Constable: Well, naturally, you are the first house I come to, so I calls in to see how you are.

Dr. Hinge:  Very considerate of you, George.

Constable:  Er... is that a bottle of sherry over there on that trolley?

Dame Hilda: Well, it is, actually, George.

Constable: I thought so, there's no mistaking them, is there?

Dame Hilda: Not if you have a trained eye for that sort of thing, and you have, haven't you?

Dr. Hinge: Would you like a drop of sherry, George?

Constable: Oh, how kind of you to ask. Yes, of course, I knew you were having a whist drive, I overheard Maud yesterday in the paper shop.

Maud:  I told yer, didn't I?

Constable: Are you all right, Maud?

Maud: Yes, thank you.

Constable:  I was wondering why you was only wearing one Wellington boot.

Dame Hilda: It was our idea, George, we thought we'd make it a fancy dress whist drive. Ha, ha, ha!

Constable: Oh, my word. my word, that sherry was very nice, very nice indeed it were, they ought to make bigger glasses for sherry, don't you think?

Dr. Hinge:  Would you like another, George? 

Constable: Oh, how kind of you to ask again, yes, please.

Dame Hilda: I should fetch him a straw, dear, and give him the bottle.

Constable: Excellent, well, Maud, it's going to be a struggle for you to get home tonight in this lot.

Maud: I'll manage, thank you, on me own.

Constable: Oh, but there's five-foot drifts out there, tell you what, I could give you a piggy back if you like.

Maud: Not likely.

Constable: Yes. Oh, lovely sherry, this, I must say, just the thing for this sort of weather, for folks who has to go out in it.

Dame Hilda: Help yourself, George.

Constable: Ah, well, uh...I think I've had enough, thank you.

Dame Hilda: Just as you wish.

Constable: But perhaps just a drop more, I say, uh... Hilda, are them sandwiches over there on the sideboard?

Dame Hilda: What observation, of course, you can tell he's a policeman, can't you, dear?

Dr. Hinge: They're crab, George.

Constable: My favourite's crab.

Maud: Glutton.

Constable: Do you mind if I has one?

Dame Hilda: You can have all fifty if you like, mind you, you'll probably end up walking home sideways.

Constable: Now about this here problem, have you got a shovel?

Dame Hilda: Well, I thought you could eat them one at a time with your hands.

Constable: Oh, yes, oh, yes, yes, very droll, very droll. Now, you see, if I went out armed with a shovel, I could dig a narrow path across your garden, down Carter's Hill, and Maud could follow in me footsteps.

Maud:  Not likely.

Constable: Still, there's no immediate hurry, I'll help myself the crab sandwiches, if I may? Mmm, they really are very nice.

Dr. Hinge: We have a trifle in the kitchen, George.

Constable: Oh, splendid.

Dr. Hinge:  I'm afraid it's not a sherry trifle.

Dame Hilda: It will be when it gets inside him.

Constable: I always says a party's not a party without a trifle.

Dame Hilda: Ooh, it appears we're having a party, Evadne.

Maud:  Well, if 'e suggests Postman's, knock, I'll 'it 'im.

Dame Hilda: I thought you were going to dig your way back to base, George.

Constable:  Well, it appears to have stopped snowing, so it can't get no worse. Besides, I've plenty of time, I don't come off duty for another two hours.

Dr. Hinge: Well, shall I make some coffee?

Constable: Oh, not for me, thank you.

Dame Hilda: Gives you a hangover, does it?

Constable: I tell you what, why don't we have a game of whist?

Dame Hilda: Anything but that.

Constable: Well, it'll have to be strip poker, then.

Maud: Dirty devil!

Constable: By the way, is that a full bottle of port you got down there on the sideboard, or is it dead?

Dame Hilda: Better find that shovel, dear, I think it's about to be buried.

{Later}

Constable: ♬Drink to me only with thine eyes, and I will pledge with mine.♬

Dr. Hinge: George, I've finished playing.

Constable: Oh, my word, I really am enjoying this party, your turn now, ladies, let's hear your party piece.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes, come along, dear, let's entertain our guests, but before we start, would you like another port, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, well, just a small one.

Dame Hilda:  It'll have to be, dear, George, has made sure of that, incidentally, George, do you mind not swaying from side to side?

Constable: I'm not swaying, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: You are from here.

Constable: Oh, better sit down, then.

Maud: Oooh!

Constable: Sorry, Maud, oh dear, I thought you were the settee.

Maud: Disgusting!

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, we'd like to sing... where are you going, Maud? Just sit by the window, right? Yes, well, we'd like to sing for you two charming guests, you're still swaying, George, a delightful little song from Veronique by Messager. The donkey song.

Trot here trot there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

Trot here trot there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

I feel so happy all the while

That I could laugh without knowing why

Somehow when I see her smile

Very sad and mournful am I

And the donkeys such a dear

But capricious I'm afraid.

It's less capricious though I fear

Than one coquettish little maid

Trot here trot there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

Trot here trot there, take care, take care

Never tripping, never slipping

Dear little donkey, trotting here and there

Take care, take care, a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare

Constable: Oh yes, excellent never heard you sing better.

Dame Hilda: Very kind of you dear.

Maud: 'e's fulla blarney, 'e is.

Dame Hilda: Not to mention sherry, port.

Constable: Now, come along Maud, 'tis your turn.

Maud: Oh, I don't know any songs.

Dame Hilda: How about your signature tune? Maud, Maud, glorious Maud.Ha, ha, ha!

Maud: I'm not singin' with 'im in 'ere.

Constable: Well, as the bottle of port seems to be empty, I might as well make a start and venture out into the cold, cold snow.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well I should go through this door George, that's the bookcase.

Constable: Oh, yes, of course it is.

Dame Hilda: And the shovel should be in the hall broom cupboard, here's your coat dear, and yes, the shovel is here, George.

Constable: Oh, thank you.

Dame Hilda: I'll open the front door for you.

Constable: Why don't you tell Maud to put her coat on? I soon clear these steps.

Dame Hilda: I think Maud would prefer to give you half an hours start.

Constable: You know, I don't think I should have had that last port. Anyway, right, here we go. AAAAGG!!

Dame Hilda: George! George! George, where are you? George! Oh, Evadne! Evadne, quickly!

Dr. Hinge: What's the matter Hilda?

Dame Hilda:  George has disappeared.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean?

Dame Hilda: Well, he went head first down the steps and he's not there any more. Oh, we must do something dear.

Dr. Hinge: Don't panic Hilda, there's no need to worry about a thing, all we do is dig him out.