Narrator: You may remember last week, the home of Dame Hilda and the Doctor was cut off by deep snow. Visiting the house at the time were Maud and Constable Bolsover. Constable Bolsover volunteered to dig his way through to the village, but unfortunately he slipped on the front doorstep and disappeared into the snow. What will the ladies do?


{Door step.}

Dame Hilda: We must find him.

Dr. Hinge: He can't have gone far.

Dame Hilda:  This is no time for jokes, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I was being serious. Wait, yes, yes, I can see his feet in the snowdrift.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, oh, yes, they're George's boots, all right, size ten, but where's his head?

Dr. Hinge: I dare say if we pull on his feet we shall find it.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, the poor man, he must be upside down, quickly, Evadne, we must extricate him.

Dr. Hinge: Come on.

Dame Hilda: Come on, dear, he's emerging.

Constable: Oh, Daisy, thank you, Daisy, me love.

Dame Hilda: I wonder if he's calling for his bicycle.

Dr. Hinge: Sounds as if he's rambling, dear.

Constable:  Oh, Elsie, Elsie, where are you, Elsie?

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not Elsie, dear.

Dr. Hinge: He must have hit his head on something, Hilda.

Constable: Oh, Jessica, oh, Jessica, you're lovely.

Dame Hilda: Jessica? He gets around, doesn't he? No wonder he needs his bicycle.

Dr. Hinge: George, George, it's us.

Dame Hilda:  We must get him inside somehow, dear.

Maud: What's ‘appenin’ Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: A slight accident to Constable Bolsover, dear.

Maud: Did you ‘it ‘im wi’ the shovel?

Dame Hilda: No, the fresh air hit him, then he hit the step.

Constable: Oh, darling, oh, my darling, darling.

Maud: ‘e's after me again.

Dame Hilda:  I don't think you're in the first three, dear. Now, come along and ease him onto his feet, that's it, that's it. Now, George, can you hear me? One arm round my shoulder and one arm round Maud.

Maud: Not likely.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, out of the way, Maud, just hold the door open.

Dame Hilda: Right, Evadne, slowly does it.

Dr. Hinge:  I say, Hilda, he's rather heavy.

Dame Hilda: I'm not surprised, we're carrying a keg of bitter, and half the drinks from our trolley.

Steady, George, we're nearly inside.

Maud: Can you give ‘im a good shake? Or you'll ‘ave snow all over the ‘all carpet.

Dame Hilda: He's not an umbrella, Maud, there, there, George, one more step, that's it, now, into the hall, lovely that's it.

Constable:  Oh, Brandy, Brandy.

Dame Hilda: He thinks you're a St Bernard, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I must have a rest, sit him on this chair, dear.

Constable: Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Dr. Hinge:  Can you hear us, George?

Constable: Oh, onwards, onwards, into the valley of death, rode the six hundred!

Dame Hilda: He's probably thinking about last year's choir trip.

Maud: If you ask me, ‘e's lost ‘is memory, my Arthur did that, couldn't get a sensible word out of ‘im for a week.

Dr. Hinge:  Now you know how we feel.

Maud: Old Dr Bradshaw said ‘e ‘ad Polynesia.

Dame Hilda: I thought parrot’s got that, dear.

Dr. Hinge: The best thing, Hilda, is to try and manoeuvre him into the drawing room and onto the settee.

Dame Hilda: Oops a daisy, George.

Constable: Daisy? Oh, Daisy, my love.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and I wish she was here to give us a hand, oh, that's it.

Dr. Hinge: Now, if I lift his feet onto the settee, that's right, better put a cushion under his head.

Dame Hilda: Oh, my goodness, look at the bruise on the side of his head.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, dear, it is a bump.

Dame Hilda: Maud, go and fetch some butter.

Maud: Should I bring the cheese as well?

Dr. Hinge: It's for his head.

Maud: Well, will ‘alf a pound be enough?

Dame Hilda: I only want to soothe his bruise, not baste him.

Maud: Right, I'll get some, and should I boil some water?

Dame Hilda: He's not expecting, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Hilda, I don't like the look of him.

Maud: I've bin saying that for years.

Dame Hilda: Now, there's no need to panic, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: But if he has lost his memory, he could be like this for months.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, keep calm, you're overreacting, we've done very well up to now, and all we have to do is dial 999 and ask for an ambulance, so sit down, dear, and please keep calm.

{Phone dials.}

Dame Hilda: Nothing was ever solved by panicking. Evadne? EVADNE! the phone's dead, it's dead, what are we going to do?

Dr. Hinge: We're going to sit down and keep calm, dear.

Dame Hilda: But, Evadne, I can't get through, the lines must be down, what are we going to do now?

Dr. Hinge: We're not going to panic, dear.

Dame Hilda: How can you sit there so calmly and say that?

Maud: Dame ‘ilda, the butter's too ‘ard, so I brought some marmalade.

Dame Hilda: You stupid woman, Maud!

Maud: Ooh, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry, dear, I was...

Dr. Hinge: Panicking.

Dame Hilda: I am not panicking, Evadne, I'm just a little distraught, and I'm sorry, Maud, now, let's keep calm.

Maud: You won't want the marmalade then?

Dr. Hinge:  Don't say it, Hilda.

Constable: Hello, well, goodness me, what's going on here, ladies?

Maud: I never touched yer.

Dame Hilda: Ah, George, you've recovered, thank goodness for that.

Constable: Why, what's been happening? Ooh, ooh, ooh, me head, bit of a bump there, I can feel it, rather painful.

Dr. Hinge: You fell, George.

Constable:  Oh, I see, I must have overdone them crab sandwiches, dear me, think I done me knee in as well, oh dear, hope it's not a reoccurrence of me housemaid's knee.

Dame Hilda: The housemaid wasn't called Daisy, was she?

Constable: Daisy? Who told you about her?

Dr. Hinge: Well, you've been rambling on a bit, George.

Constable: Oh heck, did I say anything about an army surplus vest and a carnation?

Dame Hilda: No, you didn't, dear, so your secret's quite safe.

Constable: Ah, well, that's a relief, must have given me knee a right knock, I’ll pull me trouser leg up, you can examine the damage.

Dame Hilda: Maud, I suggest you avert your gaze.

Dr. Hinge: It is badly grazed, George.

Constable: Oh, I see, swollen like a balloon.

Maud: When I sit by the fire, mine goes up like that.

Dame Hilda: You're not supposed to be looking, Maud.

Dr. Hinge:  Now, first thing to do is bathe it, make sure it's clean.

Maud: Will ‘e ‘ave to ‘ave ‘is leg off.

Dr. Hinge: Don't be morbid, Maud, he's only grazed his knee.

Maud: Well, it could be worse than it looks.

Dame Hilda: That's right, dear, cheer the patient up.

Dr. Hinge: Right, I'll fetch the first aid box, do you think you could take his boot off?

Dame Hilda: Leave it to us, Evadne, now, let's see if I can undo the boot lace.

Constable: Oh, no, easy!

Dame Hilda: Sorry, George, sorry, come along, Maud, now, hold George's leg steady while I...yes, yes, and your expression tells me you'd rather hold the boot, all right, very well, now, gently does it, ease the boot off, Maud.

Maud: It's stuck, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, I'm afraid this might hurt a little, George.

Constable: Oh, well, it has to be done, I don't suppose you have a bullet I could bite on.

Dame Hilda: Afraid not, the best thing that I could offer you would be some icing from one of Maud's cakes.

Maud: I...I... I think it's beginnin’ to move.

Dame Hilda: Good, big effort now, Maud, pull!

Maud: AAAGGH!

{Smash.}

Dame Hilda: Yes, it did move, and Maud with it.

Dr. Hinge: What on earth is... Hilda, Hilda, the china cabinet!

Maud:  Never mind the china cabinet, what about me?

Dr. Hinge: It belonged to my mother.

Dame Hilda: Are you all right, Maud?

Maud: Well, I'm still in one piece, Dame ‘ilda.

Dr. Hinge: Look, ruined, an irreplaceable antique ruined beyond repair.

Dame Hilda: She said she was in one piece, dear.

Dr. Hinge: The cabinet, Hilda, the cabinet.

Maud: Well, don't worry, Doctor, my Tom’ll fix it wi’ a few nails and a bit o’ ‘ardboard.

Dr. Hinge: Maud, you're impossible, an incompetent fool.

Maud: We can't all be doctors.

Constable: Did anybody see where my boot went?

Dr. Hinge: Oooooh!

Dame Hilda: Now, now, control yourself, dear, what's done is done’ our first consideration must be for our patient, now, Maud, off you go into the kitchen and bring the first aid box.

Maud: Righto, oh, Lord, oh, I can't, me back's gone, oh, it's seized up, I can't stand, Dame Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: That's all we need.

Maud:  I think I slipped one of me discuses.

Dame Hilda: Well, it looks like it's shoulders to the wheel again, Evadne, we'll have to lift Maud onto the settee next to George.

Maud:  Not next to ‘im, you won't.

Dame Hilda: It'll have to be the two armchairs, then.

Dr. Hinge: We could leave her where she is and go away for a month.

Dame Hilda: That's very unkind, dear, besides which the roads are blocked.

Constable: They're government property, you see.

Dame Hilda: Pardon, George?

Constable:  Me boots.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, well, look, we'll be with you in a moment, the immediate problem is lifting Maud, and you know, Evadne, it's been one of those evenings when I feel that we should have invested in a block and tackle.

{Kitchen.}

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, aren't you bringing your coffee into the drawing room?

Dr. Hinge: No, Hilda, I'm staying here in the kitchen for a few minutes' peace, and this coffee is more than welcome.

Dame Hilda: Help to calm your shattered nerves, eh?

Dr. Hinge:  Pity it can't help a shattered cabinet.

Dame Hilda: Well, it wasn't entirely Maud's fault, dear, she was a little unfortunate.

Dr. Hinge: Everything about Maud is unfortunate.

Dame Hilda: However, you'll be pleased to know she is quite comfortable on the two armchairs.

Dr. Hinge: Very pleased.

Dame Hilda:  And George has fallen asleep on the settee, you did an excellent job on his knee, dear.

Dr. Hinge: It wasn't as bad as I first thought.

Dame Hilda:  And there's nothing else you can do with Maud, well, there is, but it's against the law.

Maud: Dame ‘ilda! Dame ‘ilda!

Dr. Hinge: I think you're wanted in the casualty ward, dear.

Dame Hilda:  Coming, Maud! You'll have to help me Evadne, as she may want turning on her side
and don't suggest we should have put her on a spit.

Dr. Hinge: What a good idea.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda:  Now then, Maud, is there anything wrong, dear?

Maud: It's ‘im, Constable Bolsover.

Dame Hilda: But he's fast asleep on the other side of the room, dear.

Maud: ‘e's botherin’ me.

Dr. Hinge: It's impossible, Maud.

Dame Hilda:  I've heard of a long arm of the law, but that is ridiculous.

Maud: Oh, ‘e ‘asn't touched me, if ‘e ‘ad, I'd scream the ‘ouse down.

Dame Hilda: And no doubt caused a few avalanches.

Maud: ‘e's mumblin’, you see, mumblin’ in ‘is sleep.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, how interesting.

Dr. Hinge: Did he say any more about Daisy?

Maud: Well, I couldn't ‘ear ‘im proper.

Dame Hilda: Pity, and you could hear him properly if we moved you nearer to him, Maud.

Maud:  Not on your life.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I don't know about you, Hilda, but I'm exhausted, I'm off to bed.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and it's past my bedtime as well, dear.

Maud: You're not leaving me ‘ere with ‘im, are yer?

Dame Hilda: Well, er...

Maud: In the same room all night?

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, we're certainly not moving you anywhere else, Maud, it was enough of a struggle to put you in the armchair.

Maud: If Arthur finds out, he'll go berserk.

Dame Hilda: Now, dear, be sensible, Constable Bolsover is on the other side of the room, and he has a bad leg.

Maud:  ‘e can ‘op, can't ‘e?

Dame Hilda: Who do you think he is, Maud? Long John Bolsover.

Maud: Well, ‘tain't right married woman like me puttin’ temptation in ‘is way?

Dr. Hinge: What an imagination.

Dame Hilda: Well, Maud, to allay your fears, I'll stay with you.

Dr. Hinge: Very noble of you, dear.

Dame Hilda: And after four hours, Evadne can take over from me.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you very much.

Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, close your eyes and try to rest, dear, let's hope the weather improves and there is a brighter day ahead of us tomorrow.

{Next day.}

Dame Hilda: What a dreadful morning, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, the snow is worse than ever, and according to the wireless, there's more to come.

Maud: Does that mean we're marooned and we'll starve t’ death?

Dame Hilda: She’s a bundle of fun, isn't she?

Dr. Hinge: Also, according to the wireless, helicopters are dropping hay for marooned animals.

Dame Hilda: So, if the worst comes to the worst, it's a bowl of hay for breakfast, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Well, Hilda, I suggest that we carry on with our normal routine and put in our usual morning's rehearsal.

Dame Hilda: I agree, dear, is that all right with you, George?

Dr. Hinge:  He's fallen asleep again, dear.

Maud: You can ‘ave too much sleep, yer know.

Dame Hilda:  We didn't last night, dear, we were on guard duty.

Dr. Hinge: Why don't we sing something dedicated to ourselves?

Dame Hilda:  Such as, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  Two sleepy people?

Dame Hilda: Oh, very good, I think we'd be better dedicating something to Maud and George. ♬Cuddle up a little closer♬.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, that's very funny, Hilda, funnier than mine.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, I thought so too, dear, that's why I said it. Well, come along, you know what we could rehearse? you know that nice song from Merrie England?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, the Brass band song?

Dame Hilda: Yes, the Brass band, from Act Two, let's go through that one again.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I can remember it.

I may be wrong

But I long for a song

With a tune that a man can march to

It will make you shout

When you feel washed out

And your collar will lend some starch to.

Of course, I know such a taste is low

But that many a mind may plummet

But what on earth can be the worth

Of a tune if a man can't hum it

Of a tune if a man can't hum it

Then come, come, follow the drum

Tho it’s music mayn’t be grand

Tho the words be Dutch

Yet the tune be such

As a Briton can understand

And whether it be a song of the sea

Or a lay of the good dry land

Then art go hang if a tune goes bang

When it's played on a big brass band

When it's played on a big brass band

Bing-bong,  Bing-bong,  Bing-bong,  Bing-bong

Dame Hilda: Ah, George is awake! Did you like that, George?

Constable: Oh, very nice, do you know, I've got cramp in me leg.

Dame Hilda: Well, if you can hum it, I'm sure we can sing it.

Dr. Hinge: Very good, dear.

Constable: How's your back this morning, Maud?

Maud: None of yer business, dirty devil, it's all you men think about, women's bodies.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I'm sorry to bring the biology lesson to a rapid end, but we must make plans for the day.

Maud: I bet my Arthur's bin tunnellin’ all night t’ rescue me.

Dame Hilda: Yes, on the other hand, he may still be sitting in his bedroom waiting for his supper with his boots on.

Maud: I can't understand why ‘e ‘asn't rung up.

Dame Hilda: I’ve told you, Maud, the phone is out of order.

Maud: That wouldn't stop ‘im.

Dr. Hinge: Look, I think we can assume that both your loved ones have realised that you're safe and sound.

Maud: There must be a way that we can get in touch with the police.

Dame Hilda: George, Maud wants you.

Maud: No! I mean...I mean the proper police, now, why don't you and the Doctor go on the roof and scream?

Dr. Hinge: Why don't you...

Dame Hilda: Evadne! Now, actually, you might have a good idea there, Maud.

Maud:  I know, I saw it on a television programme, this woman were trapped on the roof of a skyscraper, and she screamed for three ‘ours, and this man climbs up the drainpipes and whisks ‘er off to safety.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but the only trouble is, you see, I don't think Batman is in Stackton Tressel.

Dr. Hinge: Now, come on, George, you should be trained for emergencies, what did they teach you at police college?

Constable: Well, I've been thinking about this.

Dame Hilda: You see, sanity prevails.

Constable: Right, now, we're in here, right?

Dame Hilda:  Right.

Constable: And they're out there.

Dame Hilda: Right again.

Constable:  Now, they don't know we're here.

Dame Hilda: That's true.

Constable: But we know they're there.

Dame Hilda: True again.

Constable: So, we've got to find a way of letting them know we're here.

Dame Hilda: In a nutshell.

Constable: Right, so, what do you think we should do then?

Dr. Hinge: George, I thought you were going to come up with a suggestion.

Constable: Oh, no, no. I was just reviewing the situation.

Dr. Hinge: And we laugh at Inspector Clouseau.

Constable: Got it.

Dame Hilda: He's got it, dear.

Constable: We're in here.

Dame Hilda: We've done all that, George.

Constable: Why don't...

Dame Hilda: Yes?

Constable: Why don't you and Evadne go on the roof and scream?

Maud: What a stupid suggestion!

Dame Hilda: Look, what I was going to suggest was that we do in fact go on the roof, now, we've heard on the local radio that helicopters are in the area, dropping feeding stuff for the animals. so, if we can leave some sort of SOS message on the roof, the pilot will see it and our troubles are over.

Dr. Hinge: Brilliant, Hilda, I'll write a postcard and you can pin it to the chimney pot.

Dame Hilda: At times, Evadne, you can be very obtuse.

Dr. Hinge: I thought it was very witty, dear.

Dame Hilda:  Very well then, wittily obtuse. What we do is string a washing line across the roof and hang a distress signal on it, like the ships do.

Dr. Hinge: England expects every man this day to do his duty.

Maud: The Doctor’s ramblin’ now, Dame ‘ilda.

Dr. Hinge: A famous naval signal, Maud.

Dame Hilda:  But hardly appropriate in our case, no, we hang a white sheet on the washing line.

Constable: Point of order, Hilda, that's rather silly, put a white sheet in the white snow and it'll be invisible.

Dame Hilda: Sometimes I wish you were invisible. Will you allow me to continue? We paint in bold letters, SOS on the sheet, the pilot spots it and zooms down in his helicopter.

Maud: I've seen ‘em on the news, they'll lower a rope, I'll tie it round me waist and it'll pull me up in the air.

Dr. Hinge: Poor helicopter, actually, Maud, they lower a man to the ground and the rescued person clings to him as they are hauled to safety.

Dame Hilda: Oh, do they? Oh, do they really?

Maud: Well, I'm not clingin’ to any man, givin’ ‘im ideas.

Dr. Hinge: It will be strictly impersonal, Maud.

Dame Hilda: Of course it will, in most cases.

Constable: Shh, shh, shh, just a moment, ladies.

Dame Hilda: What, George?

Constable: Just keep quiet, I think I can hear something, yes, I thought I could, it's the clock ticking.

Dame Hilda:  George, you really are...wait, wait, I can hear something else, it sounds like a car engine.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it is a car engine, in the distance.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, open the window and start screaming.

Dr. Hinge:  Ooh, look, dear, look down the lane, a snowplough heading this way.

Dame Hilda: Oh, marvellous! Not as dramatic as a helicopter, of course, but very welcome. Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! We're in here!

Dr. Hinge: I suspect they already know that, dear.

Maud: Oh, promise you won't say anything about me spending the night with him.

Dame Hilda: Our lips are sealed.

Constable: And not a word to Doris about Daisy?

Dame Hilda: No, George, we'll just tell her about Elsie and Jessica.

Constable: Well, she won't mind that.

Dr. Hinge: Doris must be very broad minded, George.

Constable: No, they’re me pigeons.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, I must say it's lovely to have the house to ourselves again.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I agree, it was quite a traumatic experience while it lasted.

Dame Hilda: And Maud made it last to the end, only she could have managed to fall off the stretcher.

Dr. Hinge: Fortunately, she didn't break anything important this time.

Dame Hilda: No, just her leg, ha, ha, ha! oh, I am naughty, naughty Hilda, but I couldn't resist that, mind you know, she asks for it, I mean, only Maud could fall down and knock her slipped disc back into place, wonderful, Maud, she said she'll be calling tomorrow, as usual, weather permitting.

Dr. Hinge: Well, we must pray for another blizzard, dear, mustn't we?

Dame Hilda: You mean you prefer a fall of snow to a fall of Maud?

Dr. Hinge:  Infinitely, dear.

Dame Hilda:  Now then, dear, shall we continue with our rehearsal before lunch? or would you prefer to eat first?

Dr. Hinge:  Whichever you wish, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, I tell you what, then, let's go to the piano, dear, and do you know what I'd like to try and sing, which I haven't done for a while? It's that lovely song of Ivor's, you know, Fly Home Little Heart, you know the one I like.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, yes.

Dame Hilda: Shall we try that?

Dr. Hinge: I think so.

Far, far away where the clouds hover low

I heard a cry like a bird in the snow

Soft was my answer

Have comfort my dear

Why waste a moment

When April is here

Fly home little heart

Although the way be long

Your wings are brave and strong

Fly home where you belong

I know little heart

How lonely you must be

So far across the sea

So fly little heart

Fly home to me

Soon as the dusk brings the end of the day

Wistful and sweet rings that song far far away

Out of the silence a voice through the foam

Yearning for love and the old times at home

Fly home little heart

Although the way be long

Your wings are brave and strong

Fly home where you belong

I know little heart

How lonely you must be

So far across the sea

So fly little heart

Fly home to me

Fly home, dear heart

Fly home to me

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor