Sir Rupert Murgatroyd
His leisure
and his riches
He ruthlessly
employed
In persecuting
witches
With fear he'd
make them quake
He'd
duck them in his lake
He'd
break their bones
With sticks
and stones
And burn them
at the stake
This sport he
much enjoyed
Did Rupert
Murgatroyd
No sense of
shame
Or pity came
To Rupert
Murgatroyd
Once on the
village green
A palsied hag
he roasted
And what took
place, I ween
Shook his
composure boasted
For as the
torture grim
Seized on each
withered limb
The writhing
dame
Mid fire and
flame
Yelled forth
this curse on him
Each lord of
Ruddigore
Despite his
best endeavour
Shall do one
crime or more
Once every day
for ever
This doom he
can't defy
However he may
try
For should he
stay
His hand that
day
In torture he
shall die
The prophecy
came true
Each heir who
held the title
Had every day
to do do
Some crime of
import vital
Until with
guilt o'erplied
I'll
sin no more he cried
And on the day
He said that
day
In agony he
died
As thus with
sinning cloyed
Has died each
Murgatroyd
And so shall
fall
Both one and
all
Each coming
Murgatroyd
Dame Hilda:
Oh, I enjoyed that, Evadne.
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, I'm glad, dear.
Dame Hilda:
Now, I've got a little surprise for you, just listen to
this.
♬Violin scrapes♬
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda! what are you trying to do? Hilda, will you
listen? I'm talking to you, will you please stop that
appalling noise?
Dame Hilda:
Pardon, dear, just a moment, dear, I'll take the cotton
wool out of my ears, I can't lip-read, you see, now,
what were you saying?
Dr. Hinge: I
was saying it's a horrible noise.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, I know it is, dear, yes, I mean, why do you
think I've got cotton wool in my ears?
Dr. Hinge:
How can you possibly learn to play the violin if you
can't hear the notes?
Dame Hilda:
It's not easy, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, you're wasting your time, I regret
the day you went to that jumble sale,
Dame Hilda:
It only cost £2.50 and it looked so forlorn in that box
of spanners.
Dr. Hinge:
And no matter how long you practise, it won't
sound any better.
Dame Hilda:
I'm sure it will from this side, dear.
Dr. Hinge:
Well, I'm trying to concentrate on the guest list for my
Cheese and Wine party.
Dame Hilda: Yes, now, now, I meant to have a word with
you about that, do you think it's a good idea?
Dr. Hinge:
It's a better idea than you learning to play the violin.
Dame Hilda: Of course, they probably laughed at
Beethoven, you know.
Dr. Hinge: I
wouldn't be surprised, he couldn't play the violin
either.
Dame Hilda: I
could always practise in the greenhouse.
Dr. Hinge:
Well, I would not object to that.
Dame Hilda: No, but the tomato's might, ha, ha, ha!
Dr. Hinge: I
can't understand why you want to learn the violin at
your age.
Dame Hilda:
What do you mean at my age?
Maud: I've finished dustin'
upstairs Dame 'ilda, and I've
left your winders and door open, Doctor.
Dr. Hinge:
Whatever for?
Maud: Well, to get rid o' that
smell of eau de cologne.
Dr. Hinge:
There isn't a smell of eau de cologne in my room.
Maud:
There is now, I broke the bottle on yer dressin'
table.
Dame Hilda:
Could be worse, she could have broken the dressing
table, ha, ha, ha! You didn't, did you, dear?
Maud:
And what was that 'orrible
row I 'eard comin'
from down 'ere?
Dame Hilda:
You mean the violin, Maud?
Maud: So that's what it was, I don't think much of your
playing, Doctor.
Dr. Hinge:
Not guilty, Maud, it was Hilda.
Dr. Hinge:
Oh, well, it sounded very nice, Dame 'ilda.
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, Maud, you see, Evadne, a music lover.
Dr. Hinge:
She's tone deaf.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, but what's that got to do with it, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Oh, fiddlesticks.
Dame Hilda:
No, there's only one, dear, and it's called a
bow.
Maud:
Now, what time do yer want me to set out the cups
o' tea for Miss Primley and
the vicar?
Dr. Hinge: Well, we are expecting them shortly.
Maud: And do
yer want the best china?
Dame Hilda: I
didn't think we had any left, Maud.
Maud: Well, there's some cups wi'
red flowers on and some saucers wi'
green stripes.
Dame Hilda:
Well, shall we just leave it to your good taste, dear?
Maud:
Or would yer rather 'ave
the cocoa mugs?
Dame Hilda: Oh, we'll drink it straight out of the pot,
if you like.
Dr. Hinge:
Don't forget, Maud, that Miss Primley prefers
lemon tea.
Maud:
Oh, I don't think we've got any lemons, there's a
couple o' bananas.
Dame Hilda:
I don't think so, dear, we don't want her
swinging on the chandelier.
Maud: Is
that a joke, Dame 'ilda?
Dame Hilda:
Yes, dear.
Maud:
Because it's very funny. I'll go and put the
kettle on.
Dame Hilda:
Dear Maud, she's one in a million.
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, a million what, Hilda?
Dame Hilda: Be careful, if she hears you, you'll get
your tea in a jam jar.
Dr. Hinge:
Now, can we get back to my Cheese and Wine party, Hilda?
Dame Hilda: If you must.
Dr. Hinge:
Do you think we can manage 20 in here, Hilda?
Dame Hilda:
Bottles of wine or guests, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Guests, of course, I mean, I wouldn't want
them to be squashed.
Maud: They've
arrived.
Dame Hilda: Who have, dear, the Martians?
Maud: Miss
Primley and the vicar.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, I was nearly right, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Well, don't stand there, Maud, bring them in.
Maud:
Right, this way, please, vicar, Dame 'ilda
and the Doctor will receive you.
Dame Hilda:
She's a proper Majordomo isn't she?
Dr. Hinge: More of a major disaster.
Donald: Ah, good afternoon, ladies.
Dame Hilda: Afternoon, Donald, my word, what have you
done to your face?
Donald: Bee stings.
Dame Hilda: Really? did they mistake you for a daffodil,
dear?
Miss Primley:
Honeybee,
honeybee,
Buzzing
round a Christmas tree.
Dame Hilda:
Pardon, Miss Primley.
Miss Primley:
A
Christmas tree, a Christmas tree.
Oh, silly, silly, silly bee.
Dame Hilda: Ah, you're invoking your muse again, aren't
you, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Is
that what it is?
Miss Primley: No, I'm always inspired by your house,
Hilda, it has an atmosphere all of its own.
Dame Hilda: Yes, it must be that cheese you bought,
Evadne.
Maud:
Do yer want yer tea now, then, Dame 'ilda?
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, I think so, Maud.
Maud: Well, you'll 'ave to
wait, I 'aven't done me
winders yet.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, you can tell Maud is synonymous with gracious
living.
Dr. Hinge: Now, make yourself at home, do sit down.
Donald: I'd rather not, thanks, bee stings, you know,
one of the hives overturned in the garden.
Dame Hilda: Oh, you poor man, have you ever thought of
keeping pigeons instead?
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, well, I asked you both to call to help me
with my party.
Miss Primley: Oh, I'd love to, Evadne, in fact, I've
brought you a sample of my most specially homemade
cheese.
Dr. Hinge:
Oh, splendid, that is kind of you.
Miss Primley:
I have it here in my carrier bag, there we are,
fully matured and absolutely ripe.
Dame Hilda: Yes, Donald, could you open the window,
dear?
Miss Primley:
It's made from goat's milk, you know.
Dr. Hinge: We'd never have guessed.
Miss Primley:
Plus special herbs, actually, it's the staple
diet of Peruvian goatherds living in the mountainous
wilderness.
Dame Hilda: Yes, Evadne, have you invited many Peruvian
goatherds to your party?
Dr. Hinge:
Miss Primley, I think it may be a little too strong for
my guests.
Miss Primley: Oh, well, in that case, I'll just leave it
for you and Hilda to enjoy on special occasions.
Dame Hilda: Yes, well, we'll try and think of one, dear.
Donald: Now, Evadne, you asked me to deal with the wine,
and I have looked through my cellar and I have
concluded...
Dame Hilda:
That it needs whitewashing.
Donald: Yes, yes, it does, actually, Hilda, yes, anyway,
I have in stock six bottles of elderberry, four crab
apple, and, would you believe, a couple of bottles of my
own speciality, Chateau churchyard nettles.
Dame Hilda: Yes, well, that should have plenty of body
in it, wasn't, um...wasn't that the stuff you left to
ferment in the font?
Donald:
Yes, yes, indeed, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: I'm sure that Jackson's baby will grow up to
be an alcoholic, you know.
Dr. Hinge:
And I have a demijohn of my potato wine, which I can
decant into small bottles.
Dame Hilda:
Ha, ha, ha!
Dr. Hinge:
What are you laughing for, Hilda?
Dame Hilda: I was just thinking, you know, potato wine
into small bottles, it'll be like liquid chips.
Dr. Hinge: Yes, most amusing.
Donald: Yes,
well, we're off to a good start, now, Miss Primley, what
have you got in your cellar?
Miss Primley: Mice.
Dame Hilda:
Well, bring them along, they can eat your cheese.
Miss Primley: Actually, I do have a galvanised bucket of
dandelion and prune.
Dr. Hinge:
Well, that sounds lethal.
Dame Hilda: I should hang on to that, Miss Primley, it
could be useful if there's another petrol shortage.
Miss Primley:
Well, on the other hand, I don't think it's quite
ready.
Dame Hilda: Oh, you mean the galvanised bucket is still
in one piece?
Miss Primley:
But I would like to bring along a cheeky little
wine I've been experimenting with, for a long time now,
I've been trying to do something with conkers.
Dr. Hinge: You could always thread them on a piece of
string.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, the drink on a string, now that's very...
Donald: Conkers, eh? Well, you could always thread them
on a piece of string.
Dr. Hinge: I've just said that, Donald.
Donald: Oh, well, I'm sorry, yes, yes, well, wine wise,
we seem to be well catered for. and if we are short, I
have some fermenting on top of Cressida's wardrobe, I
think it's ready, all I could hear during last night was
gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.
Dame Hilda: Oh, Cressida having stomach trouble again,
is she?
Donald: No,
the wine, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: Well, she shouldn't drink it.
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, it occurred to me that one or two people may not
care for homemade wine.
Dame Hilda:
I'm sure you're right, dear, because I'm one of
them.
Donald: Ah, well, then I have a suggestion, I cut this
advert out of the Stackton Bugle yesterday, yes, here we
are, the local supermarket have a special offer of a
Brazilian type hock, full bodied, fruity and medium dry.
Dr. Hinge:
Did you say Brazilian type hock? surely hock comes from
Germany, not Brazil.
Dame Hilda:
Well, a lot of them did go there after the war,
dear, they might have taken the recipe with them.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, rubbish.
Donald: Oh, no, I don't think so, not at 75 pence a
bottle.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, as much as that, is it?
Donald: They are big bottles, big, you know, big, and
when I say big, I mean big.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, so they're not small?
Donald: Yes.
Miss Primley:
Oh, feet
that tremble on the grape
Where
rabbits run amok
Oh,
please be kind to butterflies
Floating
in the milk
Dame Hilda: Yes, you haven't been sampling your
dandelion and prune, have you, Miss Primley?
Miss Primley:
I was intoxicated by the mood of the moment.
Dame Hilda:
That sounds cheaper than buying wine, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Now, one thing we have to decide about the
party, Hilda, is what should be paid for admission.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I think if we gave the guests a pound each, we may
get a few turn up.
{Village
shop.}
♬Bell rings♬
Dame Hilda:
Shop! Anybody there? Hello? Hello?
Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I still feel we should have gone into
Stackton Parva to buy the cheeses.
Dame Hilda:
Nonsense, dear, Mrs Davies is sure to have all we
require, and you do get personal service in the village
shop. Hello? Anybody there? Hello? Hello?
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, you always get personal service in the village
shop.
Dame Hilda: This is most unusual.
Maud:
Is someone callin'? Oh,
it's you, Dame 'ilda, Doctor.
Dr. Hinge:
What are you doing behind the counter, Maud?
Maud:
'elpin' Mrs
Davies.
Dame Hilda: Oh, well, when are you going to start, dear?
Maud:
'er sister's took poorly, so she's
gone to see 'er, and I've
taken over for an 'our, she
was desperate, you see.
Dame Hilda: She must have been.
Maud: But I'm
'aving trouble.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, that's not like you, Maud.
Maud: Somebody's broke the weighing scales.
Dame Hilda:
I wonder who that could be.
Maud: I mean,
a large bag o' potatoes should
weigh more than two ounces, shouldn't it?
Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not an expert, but I would have
thought so.
Maud:
Then there's the bacon slicer.
Dr. Hinge:
You haven't broken that as well.
Maud: Well, of course I 'aven't,
I just give it a squirt or two with the oil can, and
turned the 'andle, and now the
iced cakes are covered in oil.
Dame Hilda:
They have such pretty patterns, too, dear.
Maud: Do yer think anyone will notice?
Dr. Hinge:
Not if they like their cakes well oiled.
Dame Hilda:
But apart from that, I'm sure you're managing very well,
Maud.
Maud: Well, I would be if the till 'adn't
jammed, I've 'ad
to put the money in a cocoa tin.
Dame Hilda:
Good thinking, Maud.
Maud: It wasn't, I got me'and
stuck in it.
Dr. Hinge:
You should have used a bigger tin.
Dame Hilda: Then she would have got her head stuck in
it.
Maud: Anyway,
I've got it off now, so can I 'elp
you?
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, what time's the next bus to Stackton Parva?
Dame Hilda: Patience, dear, patience, now, Maud, for a
start, we would like a pound of that lovely Cheshire
cheese.
Maud:
Right, a pound, now, how big a piece will that
be?
Dame Hilda:
Well, cut a wedge off and weigh it.
Maud: Right,
there we are, now, 'ow about
that?
Dame Hilda:
Maud, I estimate that piece weighs about one ounce.
Maud: Not to worry, I'll cut yer 15 more the same size.
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, I am definitely going into Stackton Parva!
Dame Hilda: Well, we must give Maud some of our custom,
we can buy the pickles here.
Dr. Hinge:
You haven't been trying to oil those, have you, Maud?
Maud: Well, o' course not, d'yer
think I'm a fool?
Dr. Hinge: No
comment.
Maud: The pickles are on the top shelf, I'll fetch me
stepladder.
Dame Hilda:
No, no, no, no, no, don't bother, Maud.
Maud: Oh, it's no trouble.
Dame Hilda:
Maud, Maud, please, I said don't bother, no, please,
please!
Dr. Hinge: Please, Maud, Maud, don't.
Maud: Ooooh!
Arrggh!
{Crash!}
Maud: I've
'urt me arm, I think me
elbow's locked.
Dame Hilda:
Well, don't just stand there, Evadne, fetch the oil can.
{Cheese and
Wine party.}
Dame Hilda:
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
Thank you, thank you, thank you, I would like to say how
grateful I am that you all attended my Cheese and Wine
party.
Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it's my Cheese and Wine party.
Dame Hilda:
I know, dear, what did I say?
Dr. Hinge:
You said it was your party.
Dame Hilda: Did I really? Well, just a slip of the
Beaujolais, carry on, Evadne.
Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, I would like to say how grateful I
am that you have all attended my Cheese and Wine party.
Dame Hilda:
I've already said that, dear.
Dr. Hinge: I
know, but I wanted to say it as well.
Dame Hilda: And you did it beautifully.
Dr. Hinge:
Well, everybody, you have obviously enjoyed the various
cheeses because they have all been eaten, well, apart
from Miss Primley's own special brand.
Dame Hilda: Yes, you know, I think we've got more of it
now than when we started, is it breeding, Miss Primley?
Maud:
Dame 'ilda?
Dame Hilda:
Yes, Maud, dear.
Maud: You
won't believe this, Dame 'ilda.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, I will, dear, I will.
Maud: I've 'ad a bit of an
accident.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I thought you might have.
Maud:
It's yer corkscrew, yer see.
Dr. Hinge: I bet she's straightened it.
Maud: No.
Dame Hilda: Have you lost it?
Maud: No, I know where it is, it's in the bottle o'
wine, look, it's lyin' on the
bottom.
Dr. Hinge:
Well, get it out, Maud.
Maud:
Well, I can't, the cork's still in the bottle.
Dame Hilda:
Maud, how on earth did you do that?
Dr. Hinge: I
wouldn't ask, Hilda.
Maud: Well, I were twistin'
away, yer see, and I must 'ave
twisted too far when suddenly the 'andle
broke off and the twisty bit fell through into the
bottle.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I think you'll have to go in after it and push the
cork out from the inside.
Maud:
I dunno what to do now, cos I'm afraid o'
breaking the bottle.
Dr. Hinge:
It's never worried you before.
Maud: If I were to 'it the
neck against somethin' that
should do it.
Dr. Hinge:
Give it to me, Maud, I'll hit it against something.
Dame Hilda: Now, now, Evadne.
Maud: We
can't all be Doctors, don't worry, Dame 'ilda.
I'll think of somethin'.
Miss Primley: Oh, Hilda.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, Miss Primley.
Miss Primley:
You haven't forgotten about reciting my little
poem, have you?
Dame Hilda: I've tried, Miss Primley, but you're quite
right, I haven't forgotten. Ladies and gentlemen, I
would now like to recite Miss Primley's little poem,
written specially for the occasion.
Miss Primley: Oh, Hilda, you know I'm embarrassed at
hearing my own poetry, I shall have to go somewhere and
hide.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, dear, I'll come with you.
Miss Primley: Don't be silly, Hilda. If you come with
me, you won't be able to recite it.
Dame Hilda: Exactly. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Primley's poem, which is entitled Where Is My
Wandering Barmaid Tonight?
Drink
to me only with thine eyes
The
Spaniard sips and shouts, Olé
The
Frenchman murmurs oui to beaujolais
The Scot
on whisky rather high
Reputedly
will yell, Och aye
The
German, going well on schnapps
Hits
thighs with masochistic slaps.
A glass
of raki for the Greek
And he
starts dancing cheek to cheek
The
Aussie likes his beer in giant schooner
He gulps
it down at once or even sooner
The
Japanese enjoys his sake
As he
sings knick knack paddy wacky.
The
Hungarian will drink tokay
While
fiddling chardash twice a day
The
Russian, after guzzling the vodka
Hurls his
glass into the fire very oddka
The
Burmese like a spot of toddy
When
fishing in the irrawaddy
The
Italian, soaking in Chianti
Will
bottom pinch his favourite auntie
The
Yugoslav adores his Riesling,
No wonder
he is almost weakling.
The
Irishman sings praise of Cork
As he
drinks Guinness in New York
The
Dutchman swallows gin in wild delight
His
tulips droop and settle for the night
The
American, markedly suburban
Will talk
for hours on just one bourbon
The
Western cowboy never lingers
Drinking
rye with measured fingers
The
Welshman, he has no national booze
But takes
a drink no matter whose
The
Englishman drinks lots of bitter
And then
goes jogging to get fitter
And
that's enough of that I think
So let's
all have another drink
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, thanks, awfully, we come now to our surprise
item.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, quite right Evadne, the one we rehearsed.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear.
Dame Hilda:
A duet for violin and piano. The Pizzicato from
Sylvia by Delibes. Off you go, Evadne.
♬The Pizzicato from Sylvia by
Delibes♬
on the violin, played badly.
Dr. Hinge:
And now another surprise item, I'm going to auction this
violin, what have I bid?
Maud: 4
pence!
Dr. Hinge:
Sold to Maud.
Dame Hilda:
Yes, I think you're right, dear, it was beginning to
annoy me as well, best of luck, Maud, keep practising,
dear, who knows, one day you may be another George
Formby?
Dr. Hinge:
I think we'd better finish with a song, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: Yes, indeed. Ladies and gentlemen, we end
this wheeze and chine party, yes, you can tell there's
more wine than cheese, oh, those nettles were lovely,
well, with one of our favourite songs, a great favourite
of Evadne's and mine, written, of course, by dear Ivor
Novello.
Fold your
wings of love around me
Fold them
close till they have bound me
I'm
your slave and your defender
I surrender
Fold your
wings forever sharing
Peace and joy
beyond comparing
Life's
true delight has just begun
Now our two
hearts are one
My feet that
used to stumble along in fear from day to day
Have found at
last the road of my dreams
Have found the
straight highway
Loves shining
highway
Ah, Fold your
wings of love around me
Fold them
close till they have bound me
I'm
your slave and your defender
I surrender
Fold your
wings forever sharing
Peace and joy
beyond comparing
