Dame Hilda and the Doctor are about to depart on a Mediterranean cruise. According to the brochure, a warm, convivial atmosphere awaits them, inspired by their friendly captain according to the brochure. They are looking forward to cruising in the Mediterranean, but before that, they have to fly to Tangier, and before that, they have to take a taxi to Gatwick Airport, and before that, they have to wait for the taxi to arrive.

{Drawing room.}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, do stop fiddling with the passports, dear, put them in your handbag.

Dame Hilda: We're due at the airport at half-past ten. How long is that taxi going to be?

Dr. Hinge: Don't worry, Hilda, he's not due for another five minutes.

Dame Hilda: You know, it's true what they say about passport photographs, this one of me is quite appalling, I look ten years older.

Dr. Hinge: That's mine, dear!

Dame Hilda: Oh, sorry, dear, I haven't got me readers on, there, that's better. Oh, Evadne, I wish he'd hurry up.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, we've got plenty of time.

Dame Hilda: According to the brochure, we must arrive at the airport one hour before take off.

Dr. Hinge: And we will, dear, if you'll only stop getting excited.

Dame Hilda: I can't help it, dear. Just think, in six hours' time, we shall be leaving Tangier in our luxury liner.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I hope it is luxury, dear!

Dame Hilda: According to the brochure, it has superb food, elegant cabins and the very best in shipboard service.

Dr. Hinge: Did you pack the seasick pills?

Dame Hilda: You shan't need them, dear. According to the brochure, the ship is fitted with the very latest stabilisers.

Dr. Hinge: The ship may be, dear, I'm not.

Dame Hilda: Oh, oh, he's here, dear, the taxi driver. Come on then, dear, let's get off. Oh, Evadne, I hate leaving Milton like this.

Dr. Hinge: But Maud's looked after him before, dear.

Dame Hilda: Bye-bye, Milton. Bye-bye, darling. Auntie Maud will be coming for you shortly. Yeah, who’s a pretty boy, then. I do wish there was a way he could fly with us, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Impossible, dear. He'd never keep up with the plane.

Dr. Hinge: Did you hear what the pilot just said, dear?

Dame Hilda: What was that, dear?

Dr. Hinge: We're flying at 35,000 feet.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought it would be, give or take a foot.

Dr. Hinge:  What are you doing, dear?

Dame Hilda: I'm writing the postcards.

Dr. Hinge: What postcards?

Dame Hilda: The holiday ones. You know, just to get them out of the way. Evadne, do you think this is all right for Maud? Dear Maud, weather absolutely perfect, the sea is as calm as a millpond, cruising is certainly wonderful, our ship is beautiful, and life afloat enables one to relax completely and let the day's activities reflect the mood of the moment.

Dr. Hinge: You can't say that, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: According to the brochure I can.

Dr. Hinge: We haven't even seen the ship yet. Where did you get all these postcards?

Dame Hilda: At the airport shop.

Dr. Hinge:  What's that picture you're sending to Maud?

Dame Hilda: The Gatwick filter bed.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, how ridiculous.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud won't notice, dear. She'll think it's Tangier harbour.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  I think there's someone who knows us at the back of the plane.

Dame Hilda: Where, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Three seats from the back. I caught his eye just now, and he smiled and waved.

Dame Hilda: I'll sneak a look. You're right, he's waved at me as well.

Dr. Hinge: Do you recognise him, dear?

Dame Hilda: Not at all, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear. he’s coming down the aisle?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no. Oh Evadne, what are we going to do?

Dr. Hinge: We'll pretend we know him, dear.

Roland: Well, well, well. If it isn't Hilda Bracket and Dr. Hinge. Fancy seeing you again after all these years.

Dame Hilda: Yes, where was it now?

Roland: Plymouth Town Hall, June 5th, 1953, Yes, wait a minute, what am I saying? I've never been to Plymouth in my life. Bournemouth! That's right. Bournemouth Town Hall, June 5th, 1953.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. The Coronation Concert.

Roland: I knew you would remember me.

Dame Hilda: No, I meant we remembered Bournemouth Town Hall.

Roland: Well, if you remember the town hall, you must remember me.

Dr. Hinge: I'm sorry, Mr... It is a long time ago.

Roland: Just cast your mind back. Surely you remember being escorted by the Chief Constable up to the Mayor's parlour after the show?

Dr. Hinge: I think I do. Yes, yes, Hilda, we said at the time such a nice, charming gentleman.

Dame Hilda: Did we? Oh, yes, yes, we did, I remember us saying how obliging he was. Well, fancy meeting you again.

Roland: No, no, that wasn't me. That was Arthur, an old friend of mine.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. Of course it was, Arthur, yes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I can see him now, standing there in the foyer in his Chief Constable's uniform, very handsome.

Roland: No, no, no, he was at evening dress that night.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I know. But I can imagine him looking very handsome in his uniform if he'd been wearing one.

Roland: No, no, no. It was Arthur who introduced me to you in the Mayor's Parlour.

Dame Hilda:  Well, of course, that's just the sort of thing Arthur would do, isn't it, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Absolutely, dear.

Dame Hilda: You know, your name's on the tip of my tongue, Mr…?

Roland: Go on, then.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought you'd say that. George, was it?

Roland: No, no. Roland!

Dame Hilda:  Yes. I thought it was either George or Roland.

Dr. Hinge: I knew it was Roland, dear.

Roland: Brigadier Roland Baines. Of course, I wasn't in Brigadier in 53, you know.

Dame Hilda: No, I expect you'd be a Lance Corporal then.

Roland: Oh, yes, yes, yes, at least.

Dame Hilda: I must say I would never have recognised you, Brigadier. Have you put on weight?

Roland: No, I've lost over three stone.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought you had.

Dr. Hinge: Brigadier, would you care to sit down? I'm getting the most awful crick in my neck.

Roland: Oh, I'm so sorry, we can't have that. Well, you know, it is nice to bump into old friends, especially when they remember you.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it must be.

Roland: Would you like a peculiarly strong mint?

Both: Oh, thank you. {Choke!}

Roland: Yes, they did that to me the first time. Now, listen, ladies, would you object to me sitting with you for the rest of the journey?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, not at all. After all, we are going to see a lot of each other on the cruise, I hope.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do too, of course. One might even say that we shall all be in the same boat.

Roland: Well, I see you haven't lost your sense of humour.

Roland: Now, let's start as we mean to go on. The name is Roland.

Dame Hilda: Oh, um... Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: And Evadne.

Roland: You don't have to remind me. They called my wife Hilda, you know?

Dame Hilda: Really?

Roland: Oh, yes, good old Hilda. What am I saying? they didn't call her Hilda at all, they called her Muriel.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, is she, um…?

Roland: Yes, yes, five years ago.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, I am sorry.

Roland: Nothing to be sorry about, she quite likes New Zealand. You know, I'm jolly glad I spotted you. And I was afraid this was going to be a lonely two weeks, but not now, eh?

Dr. Hinge: Well, don't worry, we'll be able to show you the ropes. We've done our bit, you know, on the old troop ships.

Dame Hilda: We certainly have. Singing for our brave boys, you know.

Dr. Hinge: Mind you, Hilda, I hope the conditions on this cruise are an improvement on those troop ships.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, I know what you mean, dear, the plumbing. Most embarrassing, all that pedalling.

Dr. Hinge: Oh. and the saltwater showers, do you remember, dear? You could never get a lather with that soap, could you?

Dame Hilda: True, true, 3,000 soldiers and us. Oh. happy days.

Roland: Well, well, with all your experience of singing on board ship, I think you're going to be very popular on this trip.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I must say, I'm getting very excited all of a sudden. I can't wait to land in Tangier.

Roland: I'm afraid you will have to, my dear Evadne. Just you look down there. See? We're only just over Paris. Looks like no other city in the world from the air. Unmistakable.

Announcer: Attention, please. Will passengers please fasten their seatbelts? we are beginning our descent to Tangier Airport.

Roland: Well, you see, it's a very wise pilot we've got on board. Doesn't want to go in too steeply, so....started his descent over Paris.

{On board ship.}

Dr. Hinge: Isn't this perfect, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Absolutely, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I think we've managed to find the only quiet spot on the ship.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you know the reason, of course, it's the farthest point from any of the bars.

Dr. Hinge: Talking of bars, dear...do you think Roland has got over last night's cocktail party yet?

Dame Hilda: Oh, the poor man. He really never told us he could do acrobatic dancing, did he?

Dr. Hinge: I don't think he knew himself, dear, until he'd had those seven large vodkas, I presume it was the vodka.

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't think it was the garlic sausage.

Dr. Hinge: If only he hadn't insisted on doing his Fred Astaire impression.

Dame Hilda: What made me laugh was when he went out of control on that shiny ballroom floor.

Dr. Hinge: He probably thought he was on the Cresta run, dear. I don't think I shall ever forget the look on that waiter's face.

Dame Hilda: You mean when Roland collided with him?

Dr. Hinge: Yes. Champagne buckets everywhere. Pity the lot went all over the captain.

Dame Hilda: Yes. He was awfully nice about it, though, wasn't he?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, very good.

Dame Hilda: I mean, it couldn't have been easy to sit there and smile with your trousers full of ice.

Dr. Hinge: No. Actually, you know, I thought we did very well to follow all that with our little contribution to the evening's entertainment.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Our songs went down very well, dear. And so exhilarating to hear everyone applauding. Everyone except Roland, of course.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, he may have been, dear. We couldn't see him under the table. Oh, look, Hilda, now, here's Captain Frobisher coming along the deck.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, in his short white trousers, I say, hasn't he got lovely legs?

Dr. Hinge: Yoo-hoo! hello, Captain Frobisher.

Captain: Ah, ladies, so this is where you're hiding.

Dame Hilda: Oh, have you been looking for us, Captain?

Captain: I have indeed. I thought you might have been on the sun deck.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, this suits us fine, nice and shady.

Captain: Very wise. It's 94 today, you know, 94 in the shade.

Dr. Hinge: Is it really? You know, Hilda, I think I could risk taking off one of my cardigans.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I might join you soon, dear. It is all right for you to be here, isn't it, Captain, I mean, you have left someone doing the driving?

Captain: Yes, I just point it in the right direction and let someone else do the easy work.

Dr. Hinge: That'll be the vice-captain, I suppose.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, that's very good, dear. I like that, I wish I'd thought of it. You know, it was a wonderful party last night, Captain.

Captain: Ah, yes. Part of it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, the little contretemps with our friend the Brigadier.

Captain: He's not a friend of yours, is he?

Dame Hilda: Oh, good heavens, no, no, not at all, a complete stranger. Evadne was speaking metaphorically, weren't you, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Was I? Oh, yes, of course I was, I do it all the time.

Captain: I see, yes, I think I understand. It's just that I know that fellow's type, the man's a bounder. Now, you let me know if he bothers you, and I will deal with him personally.

Dame Hilda: You're not going to time to the mast and give him 20 lashes, are you?

Captain: Don't tempt me, ladies. You know, I find men who cannot hold their liquor quite detestable.

Dame Hilda:  Absolutely.

Captain: I hope for his sake he doesn't cross my path on this voyage. I can be quite ruthless when I'm roused.

Dame Hilda: Yes. I'm sure you can.

Captain: However, I came to talk to you about a more pleasant matter. As you know, we arrive in Parma tomorrow for our two-day stay, before sailing on to...

Dame Hilda: Naples.

Captain: Oh, is it, really?

Dame Hilda: According to the brochure.

Captain: Oh, well, I suppose it must be. Anyway, on the eve of our arrival, it is our custom to have a carnival night with a Spanish flavour.

Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely, or should I say bravissimo?

Dr. Hinge: I should save that one for Italy, dear.

Captain: Now, I was hoping that due to your undisputed success last night, you would oblige again with some of your lovely duets, dressed possibly as Spanish señoritas.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, I may find it difficult to sing with a rose in me mouth.

Dr. Hinge: Of course we will, Captain, we'd be more than pleased.

Captain: Excellent, excellent. Oh, there's just one other thing before I leave you. As our carnival night doesn't commence until nine o'clock, I would be delighted if you would join me at my table for dinner.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, we'd be delighted too, Captain.

Captain: Yes, so would I, yes, well...seven o'clock, then, ladies. Oh, and if you wish to rehearse at all this afternoon, please help yourself to the piano in the recreation room.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Captain.

Captain: Good. Till seven o'clock, then, or should I say, hasta la vista?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, by all means.

Captain: Goodbye, ladies.

Dame Hilda: I don't know what you think, Evadne, but it would appear that we've clicked.

Dr. Hinge: A brigadier yesterday, a ship's commander today.

Dame Hilda: Roll on tomorrow.

Dr. Hinge: I do think he was a little hard on poor Roland.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but he did rather make a fool of himself last night.

Dr. Hinge:  I think we're going to have to keep him away from the captain, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. We don't want fisticuffs.

Dr. Hinge: No. Anyway, now, why don't we take up the captain's offer and try out the piano?

Dame Hilda: Good idea, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Now, where is the recreation room?

Dame Hilda: Well, according to the brochure, it's on B deck, behind the gymnasium.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, come on, then, dear, should we leave our travelling rugs, dear?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, but I should bring your cardigan. According to the brochure, it's down this staircase, take my arm, dear.

{Gymnasium.}

Dame Hilda: Are you happy with the piano, dear?

Dr. Hinge: It could be better, but it'll do, I suppose. Good.

Dame Hilda: Well, off you go, then, and I'll catch you up eventually.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. All right.

Dame Hilda: And...

Soon as we may

Off and away

We'll commence our journey airy

Happy are we

As you can see

Everyone is now a fairy

Every, every, every

Everyone is now a fairy

Though as a general rule we know

Two strings go to every bow

Make up your mind that grief twill bring

If you’ve two beaux to every string

Up in the sky

Ever so high

Pleasures come in endless series

We will arrange

Happy exchange

House of peers for House of Peris

Peris, Peris, Peris

House of peers for house of Peris

Up in the air, sky high, sky high

Free from wards in Chancery

I shall be surely happier for

I'm such a susceptible chancellor

Up in the air, sky high, sky high

Free from wards in Chancery

I shall be surely happier for

I'm such a susceptible chancellor

Roland: First class, absolutely first class, ladies.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Roland, how did you know we were in here?

Roland: Just passing the door and heard those unmistakable tones.

Dame Hilda: How's your head this morning, Roland?

Roland: Funny you should say that, Hilda, because I had a bit of a headache when I woke up. Mind you, it's my own fault, I should have kept off that garlic sausage.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I believe in this part of the world it's 70 proof.

Dr, Hinge: Hilda!

Roland: Well, well, ladies, I do hope you're going to sing something else now that I've found you.

Dame Hilda: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, dear, we are rehearsing for tonight, you see. So if you'd like to sit there, perhaps you could pretend you're sort of part of tonight's party. Would you like to do that?

Roland: Delighted, delighted!

Dame Hilda: The song that Evadne and I were just going to go through is the Fairy Queen’s solo from Iolanthe. You know the story, of course, don't you, dear?

Roland: No.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's very briefly, you see, the Queen is rather a large lady followed round by a retinue of fairies, and they, as the story goes, are versus the House of Lords, you see. The fairies always come out on top, it's a happy ending.

Dr. Hinge: You all right now, dear?

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, very nice and comfortable there Roland, all right, dear?

Oh, foolish fey

Think you because

His brave array

My bosom thaws

I’d disobey

Our fairy laws

Because I fly

In realms above

In tendency

To fall in love

Resemble I

The amorous dove

Resemble I

The amorous dove

Oh amorous dove

Type of Ovidius Naso

This heart of mine

Is soft as thine

Although I dare not say so

Oh amorous dove

Type of Ovidius Naso

This heart of mine

Is soft as thine

Although I dare not say so

On fire that glows

With heat intense

I turn the hose

Of common sense

And out it goes

At small expense

We must maintain

Our fairy law

That is the main

On which to draw

In that we gain

A Captain Shaw

In that we gain

A Captain Shaw

Oh, Captain Shaw

Type of true love kept under

Could thy brigade

With cold cascade

Quench my great love, I wonder

Oh, Captain Shaw

Type of true love kept under

Could thy brigade

With cold cascade

Quench my great love, I wonder

Roland: Bravo!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank you.

Roland: Absolutely magnificent.

Dr. Hinge: Did you know, by the way, that we've been invited to sing at tonight's carnival evening, Roland?

Roland: Doesn't surprise me at all.

Dame Hilda: Oh, and we must tell Roland our exciting news, dear.

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: We've been invited to have dinner at the captain's table, seven o'clock.

Roland: Oh, my word, that is absolutely marvellous. And I'll look forward to that myself. I must go and get my dress suit sponged and pressed. And you'll never believe it, but I woke up this morning wearing it. Yes, over my pyjamas. I'll see you at seven o'clock then. Wonderful, wonderful.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I think he's got the impression that he's been invited too.

{Captains table.}

Captain: Do sit down, ladies. Allow me.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, captain.

Captain: My pleasure.

Dame Hilda: This is cosy, table for three.

Captain: Well, I do normally entertain a larger party, but I thought tonight I'd be selfish and have you all to myself, sort of tête-à-tête.

Dame Hilda: Oh, delightful.

Captain: Allow me to pour you a glass of champagne.

Dr. Hinge: Lovely.

Dame Hilda: Thank you.

Captain: And then we can drink to a memorable evening.

Roland: Ah, sorry I'm late. Had a bit of trouble putting me medals on. There seems to be a chair missing, don't worry, there's one over here. Excuse me, madam, do you mind? Now then, Captain, if you could move over there to the other side of Hilda, and I'll sit here next to Evadne, and we'll have a much better balance. I say, there doesn't seem to be a knife and fork for you, Captain, waiter, waiter! Could we have some cutlery for your captain? I really do think you should get a grip on your staff, Captain.

Captain: You are sitting at my table, sir!

Roland: And very kind indeed of you to invite me, and you can drop the sir, Roland's the name.

Captain: I do not recall inviting you, sir!

Roland: My memory's not what it was either.

Dame Hilda: Well, no, you see, Captain, we are partly to blame. We, well, we sort of invited Roland.

Dr. Hinge: Knowing, of course, that you wouldn't mind.

Captain: But I thought he was a complete stranger.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, did we say that?

Roland: Good heavens, we've known each other for 25 years, they knew Arthur as well, you know. Oh, you would have liked Arthur, Captain.

Captain: I doubt it very much.

Roland: Awfully nice sherry, this, my word, yes. I say, you haven't got a glass, have you? Used to make all my own wine, you know, in the old days. What am I saying? I've never made any wine in me life. Ah, good, here comes the soup. Would you believe it? They've only brought three, I say, look here, you've left the Captain out again. More sherry, Hilda? what about you Evadne?

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: I really couldn’t eat another morsel, quite delicious.

Dr, Hinge: Absolutely.

Captain: And your company's been enchanting, ladies.

Dr. Hinge:  Hilda, do you think we should wake up Roland?

Dame Hilda: He looks so peaceful with his head on the tablecloth, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I think it was that last brandy, dear.

Captain: On the other hand, it could have been the five he had before it.

Dame Hilda: He's not a bad old stick really, Captain. You know, I doubt if he recollects what happened last evening.

Captain: No, well, I'm not the sort to bear grudges. Forgive and forget, what? Anybody can make one mistake, I suppose.

Dame Hilda: Oh, by the way, Captain, regarding tonight's carnival, we thought we'd give it a Spanish flavour by singing our version of the Toreador song.

Captain: Oh, splendid.

Roland: {Snort!}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I think Rowland's waking up, he's opened an eye.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. hello dear, how are you feeling?

Roland: Oh, not for me, not for me, thank you, I don't drink.

Captain: You're drunk now.

Roland: Oh, hello, sailor.

Dame Hilda: We were just saying, Roland, we may do the Toreador song tonight.

Roland: Oh, good. That's wonderful. Arthur was good at that, you know. It was our party piece, along with Fred Astaire and err...Ginger Rogers, that's right. Have you ever seen my Fred Astaire impression?

Captain: I feel I know it intimately.

Roland: Well, I was the bull and Arthur was the matador.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, very interesting.

Captain: You must give us a demonstration some other time.

Roland: You know, I used to come at him and paw the ground and sort of moo, and Arthur used to wave his cloak like this.

Dame Hilda: Roland, Roland, that's the tablecloth.

Roland: Ole!

Captain: Ahh! You blithering idiot!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Roland.

Captain: Look what you've done! That's the second dress suit you've ruined in two nights, you great oaf!

Roland: Well, it never happened when Arthur did it.

Captain: Just look at my trousers, they're saturated. Look at them, you fool! You imbecile! You stupid, stupid man! If my grandfather had been in charge of this ship, he'd have had you clapped in irons.

Dame Hilda: Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes. dear.

Dame Hilda: I've just realised something, this is the warm convivial atmosphere inspired by our friendly Captain.