Dame Hilda and
the Doctor are still enjoying their Mediterranean
cruise, despite a certain amount of friction between
their newfound friend, Brigadier Baines, and their other
newfound friend, the ship's commander, Captain
Frobisher. Tonight is Carnival night. The Captain is
gracing the occasion by his presence, the Brigadier is
conspicuous by his absence, and the ladies are, as
usual, in fine voice.
…..take heart
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, thank you very much. What a wonderful
audience you are. Well, I, uh, would like to conclude...
Dr. Hinge: We, dear.
Dame Hilda:
Pardon me?
Dr. Hinge:
We would like to conclude...
Dame Hilda: Yes, of course, dear. We would... what did I
say, dear?
Dr. Hinge: You said, I.
Dame Hilda: Did
I really, incredible, yes. Well, we would like to
conclude with a song, which I'm sure, in fact, we are
sure, uh, that you are going to enjoy. We were going to
take the bull by the horns and sing the Toreador song.
Dr. Hinge: Very
good, dear.
Dame Hilda: But we thought it might offend a few people
who are opposed to blood sports, like bullfighting and
watching television. Instead, we have chosen a very
lovely duet. Now, this is from one of the lesser known
Gilbert and Sullivan works, therefore it is rarely
performed. And the piece we have chosen is a song from
Act II of the Grand Duke. Now, this was the 14th in a
line of operettas written by Gilbert and Sullivan, you
know, those famous duo from the Savoy Hotel. And in
this, Dr. Hinge will be singing the role of Ernest, the
owner of a theatrical company, and part time comedian.
Myself, the role of the glamorous leading lady, Julia
Dumkoff.
Thank you!
If the light
of love's lingering ember
Has faded in
gloom
You cannot
neglect, O remember
A voice from
the tomb
That stern
supernatural diction
Should act as
a solemn restriction
Although by a
mere legal fiction
A voice from
the tomb
A voice from
the tomb
I own that
that utterance chills me
It withers my
bloom
With awful
emotion it thrills me
That voice
from the tomb
Oh, spectre,
won't anything lay thee
Though pained
to deny or gainsay thee
In this case I
cannot obey thee
Thou voice
from the tomb
Thou voice
from the tomb
Thou voice
from the tomb
Thou voice
from the tomb
So, spectre,
appalling
I bid you good
day
Perhaps you'll
be calling
When passing
this way
Your bogeydom
scorning
And all your
love-lorning
I bid you good
morning
I bid you good
day
Good morning
Good morning
Good morning
Good day
So, spectre,
appalling
I bid you good
day
My offer
recalling
Your words I
obey
Your fate is
appalling
And full of
dismay
To pay for
this scorning
I give you
fair warning
I'll
haunt you each morning
Each night and
each day
I'll
haunt you each morning
Each night and
each day
So, spectre,
appalling
I bid you good
day
Perhaps you'll
be calling
When passing
this way
Your bogeydom
scorning
And all your
love-lorning
I bid you good
morning
I bid you good
day
Good morning
Good morning
Good morning
Good day
So, spectre,
appalling
I bid you good
day
I bid you good
day
I bid you good
day
Roger:
Bravo, bravo, excellent, excellent.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
thank you, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Yes, thank you. I did my best.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
we did, dear.
Roger: I'm so pleased the evening turned out so well
after such a disastrous start. That Brigadier Baines is
a menace.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
I'm afraid Roland was a little high-spirited.
Dr. Hinge: I blame the sea air, you know. It goes to his
head.
Dame Hilda: The
bottle of brandy may have helped too, dear.
Roger: The man's a bounder! First gate-crashing my
dinner party, and then, if you please, whipping off the
tablecloth and covering me with coffee.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
I'm sure he'll apologise in the morning, Captain, and
offer to pay to have your suit cleaned.
Dame Hilda: And repair the waiter's trolley.
Roger: Trolley?
What waiter's trolley?
Dame Hilda: Well, you see, when you went to change your
suit, the Brigadier jumped on the trolley and did an
impromptu flamenco dance.
Dr. Hinge:
Actually, he did it quite well, dear.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
considering he had his left foot jammed in the gravy
boat.
Roger:
Look, promise me one thing, ladies. Keep him away from
me. Keep him as far away from me as possible.
{Next day.}
Dame Hilda: Good
morning, Evadne.
Dr. Hinge:
Good morning, Hilda. Now, what did I come to your
cabin for? Oh, yes, can I borrow your sun lotion? I seem
to have lost mine.
Dame Hilda: Certainly, dear, a touch of sunburn, have
we?
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
just a touch, dear. On the bridge of my nose.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes. Yes, it is a little red. Actually, when we were
sitting on deck yesterday, I thought you probably
shouldn't have taken your cardigan off.
Dr. Hinge: I
hardly think a cardigan would protect the bridge of my
nose, dear.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I left mine on, and my nose is quite all right.
Dr. Hinge: Sometimes, Hilda, your logic defeats me.
Roland: Good
morning, ladies. Good morning, may I escort you into
breakfast?
Dr. Hinge:
Well, Roland, you're bright and early, aren't
you?
Roland: Oh, yes.
Habit of a lifetime, always go for a brisk walk at seven
o'clock, you know. What the devil am I talking about?
I'm never up before nine.
Dame Hilda:
Well, you certainly had an early night.
Roland: You
know, it's a strange thing, but I don't remember going
to bed. And something even stranger, ladies, I believe
that we have a practical joker on board.
Dr. Hinge:
Whatever makes you think that, Roland.
Roland: Well,
you remember I told you that yesterday morning I woke up
in bed wearing my dress suit over my pyjamas?
Dame Hilda: You did mention it.
Roland: Well,
this morning I woke up wearing my pyjamas over my dress
suit, and my left foot was jammed in a gravy boat.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
most extraordinary.
Roland: Yes. At the meeting after breakfast, I intend to
confront the captain about it, my word, yes.
Dame Hilda: Confront the captain?
Roland:
With the gravy boat. And I'll tell him whoever
was responsible for sticking my foot in it should be
thrown off at the next port.
Dame Hilda: He may agree with you there, dear.
Roland: Well,
come along, ladies. Let's get down to breakfast, don't
want the prunes to get cold, what?
{Later.}
Dr. Hinge: Are
you sure you can manage those three deckchairs on your
own, Roland?
Roland: Oh, yes,
yes. Just let me know where you want to settle, I
believe we've passed this spot three times already.
Dame Hilda: I
think we'd better sit here, dear, Roland’s becoming a
little peevish.
Dr. Hinge: This
will do, Roland, can you set up the deckchairs here?
Roland: No problem, no problem at all. Here we are, Aah!
Stupid finger.
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
let me help you, there, that's it.
Roland: Um, by the way, would either of you like a
peculiarly strong mint?
Dr. Hinge: Not
straight after breakfast.
Dame Hilda:
It'll spoil the prunes.
Roland: Well, it, uh, it looks like being another
scorcher, ladies.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
you're quite right. Could I have my travelling rug,
Evadne?
Roland: I wonder if I could, uh, ask you to, uh, avert
your eyes for a moment.
Dame Hilda: Ooh,
what are you going to do, Roland?
Roland: Take my
trousers off.
Both: Ooooh!
Roland: No,
don't worry. I took the liberty of putting me shorts on
underneath.
Dr. Hinge: Not
over your pyjamas, I hope.
Roland: There we are. You can open your eyes now.
Dame Hilda: I
don't know why you bothered, Roland, those khaki shorts
are nearly as long as your trousers.
Roland: Well, I,
uh... you see, I, uh, I roll‘em up, you see, or roll‘em
down, uh, depending on the weather.
Dr. Hinge: You'd
be better off with a Venetian blind.
Roland: By the
way, ladies, have you noticed anything, uh, peculiar
about my legs?
Dame Hilda:
Well, not really. I've only just met them. But now you,
uh... you come to mention it, they, uh, are a bit close
together.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
there appears to be a strange white patch on each shin.
Roland: Oh, no,
that's my fault. I sunbathed yesterday and left my
suspenders on. No, no, it's not that. I want you to,
uh... I want you to look again.
Dr. Hinge: I hope nobody's watching. You look ridiculous
studying Roland's legs like that.
Dame Hilda: I
give up. You'll have to tell us, Roland.
Roland:
Very well. False kneecap. Yes, there we are, and
you can't tell, can you?
Dame Hilda: No,
it's fascinating, have a look, dear, put your glasses
on!
Dr. Hinge:
Not for me, thank you.
Roland: Go on,
go on. give it a prod with your knitting needle.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
I don't like to, Roland.
Roland: Go on,
go on. I can't feel a thing.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
very well, then.
Roland:
Arrrgh! It was the wrong leg.
Dame Hilda: Oh, dear.
Dr. Hinge:
I should put them away, Roland, while they're
still in one piece.
Roland: Funny
things, legs, though, aren't they?
Dame Hilda: Yes,
well, I've never really thought about it.
Roland:
I've always said we take our legs for granted.
What the devil am I saying? I've never said that in me
life.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
that's the anatomy lesson over. Now for the language
class.
Dame Hilda: Oh, good idea.
Dr. Hinge: Did
you bring the Spanish phrasebook with you?
Dame Hilda: Yes,
here.
Dr. Hinge: We're catching up on our Spanish, Roland, you
see, for when we land in Palma.
Roland:
Oh, really? Well, I don't believe it, as you
know. No, no, if they want to communicate with us, let
them learn English. It's easy enough.
Dame Hilda: That's a bit insular, Roland.
Roland:
Well, all I'm saying is you don't have to learn
their language. I find I have no trouble getting through
to these foreign fellows at all. I use a very simple
technique. I simply shout at ‘em, if that doesn't work,
I mix it.
Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, mix it?
Roland: Well, I
do half and half. Never fails, like, excuse me, oh, how
muchio is that boiled eggio, and a slice of toastio
here?
Dame Hilda: Oh, very good, Roland. You ought to be on
radio. Now, where did we get to, Evadne?
Dr. Hinge: Page 23, dear. Here we are. Oh, this is
useful, herocomidentatura!
Dame Hilda: Very good, dear, by Puccini, wasn't it?
Roland: Oh, come
on, Evadne. Tell us what it means.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
I would have thought it was obvious, Roland.
Herocomidentatura. I have broken my dentures.
Roland: Now,
then, that is a useful one to slip into everyday
conversation. Good afternoon, madam, what a lovely day,
I've broken my dentures.
Dame Hilda: The
trouble is, if you had broken your dentures, you
wouldn't be able to say herocomidentatura. It would
probably sound more like pappa, pappa, pappa!
Roland:
Come on, then, what's next?
Dr. Hinge:
Busque un premiero enseguida.
Roland: Ah, and that sounds more romantic.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
it means, send for a plumber immediately.
Dame Hilda: Ha,
ha, ha!
Dr. Hinge:
What's the matter, dear?
Dame Hilda: I was just thinking, I have broken my
dentures, send for a plumber. You know, I think Roland's
got the best idea, you know. Shout at ‘em.
{Later. Back on
board.}
Roger: Let me
help you aboard, ladies.
Dr. Hinge: Thank
you, Captain.
Roger: Did you
enjoy your trip ashore?
Dame Hilda: Very
exotic. The Spanish gentlemen were very helpful.
Dr. Hinge: And
familiar, dear.
Dame Hilda: Olé!
Roger: You know, I was beginning to get a little
anxious. The other passengers were back half an hour
ago.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
well, Roland said he knew a shortcut back to the
harbour, you see.
Roger: He would. Anyway, where is he now?
Dr. Hinge: He's
called at the gift shop to buy himself a straw sombrero.
Roger: Ah, perhaps he'll cut a couple of holes in it for
his ears. Right then, we'll up anchor and away.
Roland: Hi
there, Captain!
Roger: Oh dear, what a pity.
Roland: How do
you like the hat, then, eh?
Dame Hilda:
Well, it doesn't really match your khaki shorts, Roland.
Dr. Hinge: No, but on the other hand, if it rains, it
will keep his feet dry.
Roland: You
haven't had to wait for me, have you, Captain?
Roger: I have
indeed!
Roland: Oh, I say, that's awfully civil of you. I mean,
it's not like a bus, is it? There won't be another one
along in ten minutes, what?
Roger: Ladies, may I ask you a favour? As soon as we are
underway, could you come along to my cabin?
Both: Oooh!
Roland: Don't worry, ladies, don't worry. I shall be
there to protect you.
Roger: What are
you inferring, sir?
Dame Hilda: It's only his little bit of fun, Captain.
Roger: There's
something I would like to discuss with you. Shall we say
in a quarter of an hour?
Dame Hilda: Certainly.
Dr. Hinge: And
if we're late, we'll have taken a shortcut.
Roger: Yes. See
you later, then.
Dame Hilda: I
hope you're not going to walk around the ship wearing
that hat, Roland.
Dr. Hinge:
You'll never get it through the Captain's door.
Roland: Well, I bought it for the garden, very useful.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
it'll make a very nice hanging basket.
Roland: It's to keep the sun off my head.
Dr. Hinge: That
one will keep the sun off your lawn.
{Captains
cabin.}
Roger: Ah, come
in, ladies. Lovely to see you again. Oh, come in,
Brigadier.
Dame Hilda: My
word, what a beautiful cabin. And I thought we were
travelling first class.
Roland: Perks of
the job Hilda. When I was in Egypt, they always reserved
the best camel for me. What the blazes am I saying?
Never been on a camel in me life.
Roger: Well,
what I want to talk to you about is this. As you're
probably aware from the notices around the ship,
tomorrow evening, as far as entertainment is concerned,
is crew night.
Roland: Would
you care for a peculiarly strong mint, Evadne?
Dr. Hinge: No,
thank you, Roland.
Dame Hilda: Yes, I wondered about those notices,
Captain, because there's no mention of crew night in the
brochure.
Roger: No, well,
it's a little innovation of my own.
Roland: Would
you care for a peculiarly strong mint, Hilda?
Dame Hilda: No, thank you, Roland, no.
Roger: We do
have two or three very talented members of the crew, and
it all helps build up a cordial atmosphere and a sense
of well-being between passengers and crew.
Roland: Would
you care for a peculiarly strong mint, Captain?
Roger: Will you not interrupt me, you ill mannered
pongo! What was I saying?
Dr, Hinge: You
were building up a cordial atmosphere between passengers
and crew.
Roger: Now, what I have in mind, ladies, is this.
Roland: May I
ask a question, Captain?
Roger:
What is it, man?
Roland: Does anybody mind if I have a peculiarly strong
mint?
Roger: You can
eat the box, for all I care.
Roland: Thank
you very much, Captain, carry on.
Roger: Now,
normally it's just the crew, but due to your phenomenal
success, ladies, I would be most grateful if you would
appear as my special guests.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
lovely, we will be top of the bill, won't we?
Roger: But of
course.
Dame Hilda:
Well, then, we'd be delighted, wouldn't we, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Oh, absolutely.
Roger: Splendid!
Oh, there's just one thing I would like to mention.
Roland: Ooh! Oh,
I broken my tooth.
Dame Hilda:
Don't you mean... herocomidentatura!
Roland: False
alarm, false alarm! It's the mint, carry on, Captain.
Roger: Now,
normally I just do the comparing, but I do possess a
quiet, modest voice.
Roland: I think I've swallowed it.
Roger: Will you
shut up! Where was I?
Dr. Hinge: You we're telling
us about your quiet, modest voice.
Roger: Yes, I
was referring, of course, to my singing voice, and I
wondered, as a special favour, if you would allow me to
join you so that I could tell my friends that I once
sang with Dame Hilda and the Doctor.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
I think that sounds a lovely idea, don't you, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Absolutely marvellous.
Roland: Why
don't we make it a quartet?
Yes, but we
would need another good voice.
Roland: I often sing in the bath.
Dame Hilda:
Be a bit crowded, dear, four of us in one bath.
{Entertainment
lounge.}
Roger:
Thank you, Third Engineer McPherson. And I
certainly never saw his lips move, ladies and gentlemen,
except when the dummy was speaking. And now, for your
entertainment and delight, I give you Magic in the
Modern Manner from Chief Steward Harry Goldthorpe. Take
it away, Ken. When you're ready, everybody….
{Later.}
Dame Hilda: The
interval's just about over. It all seems to be going
rather well, Captain. I thought your conjurer, Chappie,
was marvellous.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
where else did that rabbit go to?
Dame Hilda: I
think we are better not knowing, dear.
Roland: Not
nervous, are you, Captain?
Roger: Of course I'm not.
Roland: Then why
are you putting lipstick on your eyebrows?
Roger:
Oh, yes.
Dame Hilda:
Well, you know what I always say, Roland? There's no
business like show business. What am I talking about?
I've never said that in my life.
CHEERING AND
APPLAUSE!
Dame Hilda:
Yes, thank you, thank you very much indeed,
ladies and gentlemen, for your marvellous reception.
Dr. Hinge: Oh, and now we have a wonderful surprise for
you.
Dame Hilda: Yes.
Our dear friends, Brigadier Baines and Captain Frobisher
himself, are going to render for us Sir Joseph Porter's
song from Act One of H.M.S. Pinafore, or The Lass That
Loved a Sailor. Originally a solo, but beautifully
arranged for two voices by my colleague here, the
Doctor.
Dr. Hinge: In a
moment of weakness.
Dame Hilda:
We give you Two Voices in Harmony, we hope.
Roger:
Thank you, Hilda. Take it away, Evadne…. How many ompahs
are there?
Dr. Hinge: As many as you like, dear.
Roger:
When
I was a lad, I served a term as office boy to an
attorney's firm
Roland:
In
short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the
very model of a modern Major General
Roger: What are
you doing here?
Roland: Oh, awfully sorry, force of habit. Army man, you
know.
Roger:
Well, I'm a Navy man, and this is all about the Navy.
Dame Hilda: It
would just happen to be two different operas, but never
mind. I think we could start again.
When I was a
lad, I served a term
As office boy
to an attorney's firm.
I cleaned the
windows
And I swept
the floor
And I polished
up the handle of the big front door
He polished up
the handle of the big front door
I polished up that handle so carefully
That now I am
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
He polished up
that handle so carefully
That now he is
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
As an office boy
I made such a mark
That they gave
me the post of a junior clerk
I served a writs with a smile so bland
And I copied
all the letters in a big round hand
He copied all
the letters in a big round hand.
I copied all
the letters in a hand so free
That now I am
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
He copied all the letters in a hand so free
That now he's
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
Serving writs
I made such a name
That an
articled clerk I soon became
I wore clean
collars and a brand new suit
For the passed
examination of the institute.
For the passed examination of the institute
That passed
examination did so well for me
That now I am
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
That passed
examination did so well for he
That now he's
the ruler of the Queen's Navy.
Of legal knowledge, I acquired such a grip
That they took
me into the partnership
And that
junior partnership, I ween
Was the only
ship that I ever had seen
Was the only
ship he ever had seen
But that kind
of ship so suited me
That now I am
the ruler of the Queen's Navy.
But what kind of ship so suited he
That now he is
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
I grew so rich
that I was sent
By a pocket
borough into Parliament
I always voted
at my party's call
And I never
thought of thinking for myself at all
He never
thought of thinking for himself at all
I thought so
little they rewarded me
By making me
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
He thought so
little they rewarded he
By making him
the ruler of the Queen's Navy
Now landsmen
all, who ever you may be
If you want to
rise to the top of the tree
If your soul
isn't fettered to an office
stool
Be careful to
be guided by this golden rule
Stick close to
your desks, and never go to sea
And you all
may be rulers of the Queen's Navy
Stick close to
your desks, and never go to sea
And you all
may be rulers of the Queen's Navy
Well now, we
thought as we were on board ship, it would be nice to
keep with something nautical, as is the expression, I
believe. And one must after all keep up to date with
expressions. You see we're going to commence with the
recitative from Act 1 of Pinafore for Mrs. Cripps, the
Portsmouth bumboat woman. She comes on board the boat
with her basket full of tobacco and lengths of rope for
the sailors. And they welcome her aboard with a lusty
cheer. Now we then take this straight in to the song for
Patience from Act 1, Patience, the 17-year-old milkmaid,
both parts sung by myself, It's wonderful to be
versatile. Thank you, if you are comfortable, Captain
Sir, Brigadier? go ahead and stand back.
Hail, Man o'
wars men
Safeguards of
your nation
Here is an end
at last to all privation
You've had
your pay
Spare all you
can afford
And welcome
little buttercup on board. Ahoy!
I cannot tell
what this love may be
That cometh to
all but not to me
It cannot be
kind as they'd imply
Or why do
these ladies sigh
It cannot be
joy or rapture deep
Or why do
these gentle ladies weep
It cannot be
blissful as 'tis said
Oh, why are
their eyes so wondrous red
Though
everywhere true love I see
A-coming to
all, but not to me
I cannot tell
what this love may be
Oh, I am
blithe, and I am gay
While they sit
sighing night and day
Think of the
gulf 'twixt them and me
Fal la la la
and miserie!
Oh, she is
blithe, and she is gay
While they sit
sighing night and day
Think of the
gulf 'twixt them and me
