The Cruise {Part 2}.
Dame Hilda and the Doctor are still enjoying their Mediterranean cruise, despite a certain amount of friction between their newfound friend, Brigadier Baines, and their other newfound friend, the ship's commander, Captain Frobisher. Tonight is Carnival night. The Captain is gracing the occasion by his presence, the Brigadier is conspicuous by his absence, and the ladies are, as usual, in fine voice.
…..take heart
Dame Hilda: Thank you, thank you very much. What a wonderful audience you are. Well, I, uh, would like to conclude... Dame Hilda: Pardon me? Dr. Hinge: We would like to conclude... Dame Hilda: Did I really, incredible, yes. Well, we would like to conclude with a song, which I'm sure, in fact, we are sure, uh, that you are going to enjoy. We were going to take the bull by the horns and sing the Toreador song. Dr. Hinge: Very good, dear.
If the light of love's lingering ember Has faded in gloom You cannot neglect, O remember A voice from the tomb That stern supernatural diction Should act as a solemn restriction Although by a mere legal fiction A voice from the tomb A voice from the tomb I own that that utterance chills me It withers my bloom With awful emotion it thrills me That voice from the tomb Oh, spectre, won't anything lay thee Though pained to deny or gainsay thee In this case I cannot obey thee Thou voice from the tomb Thou voice from the tomb Thou voice from the tomb Thou voice from the tomb So, spectre, appalling I bid you good day Perhaps you'll be calling When passing this way Your bogeydom scorning And all your love-lorning I bid you good morning I bid you good day Good morning Good morning Good morning Good day So, spectre, appalling I bid you good day My offer recalling Your words I obey Your fate is appalling And full of dismay To pay for this scorning I give you fair warning I'll haunt you each morning Each night and each day I'll haunt you each morning Each night and each day So, spectre, appalling I bid you good day Perhaps you'll be calling When passing this way Your bogeydom scorning And all your love-lorning I bid you good morning I bid you good day Good morning Good morning Good morning Good day So, spectre, appalling I bid you good day I bid you good day I bid you good day
Roger: Bravo, bravo, excellent, excellent. Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, we did, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm afraid Roland was a little high-spirited. Dame Hilda: The bottle of brandy may have helped too, dear. Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm sure he'll apologise in the morning, Captain, and offer to pay to have your suit cleaned. Roger: Trolley? What waiter's trolley? Dr. Hinge: Actually, he did it quite well, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, considering he had his left foot jammed in the gravy boat. {Next day.} Dame Hilda: Good morning, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Hilda. Now, what did I come to your cabin for? Oh, yes, can I borrow your sun lotion? I seem to have lost mine. Dr. Hinge: Oh, just a touch, dear. On the bridge of my nose. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Yes, it is a little red. Actually, when we were sitting on deck yesterday, I thought you probably shouldn't have taken your cardigan off. Dr. Hinge: I hardly think a cardigan would protect the bridge of my nose, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, I left mine on, and my nose is quite all right. Roland: Good morning, ladies. Good morning, may I escort you into breakfast? Dr. Hinge: Well, Roland, you're bright and early, aren't you? Roland: Oh, yes. Habit of a lifetime, always go for a brisk walk at seven o'clock, you know. What the devil am I talking about? I'm never up before nine. Dame Hilda: Well, you certainly had an early night. Roland: You know, it's a strange thing, but I don't remember going to bed. And something even stranger, ladies, I believe that we have a practical joker on board. Dr. Hinge: Whatever makes you think that, Roland. Roland: Well, you remember I told you that yesterday morning I woke up in bed wearing my dress suit over my pyjamas? Roland: Well, this morning I woke up wearing my pyjamas over my dress suit, and my left foot was jammed in a gravy boat. Dr. Hinge: Yes, most extraordinary. Roland: With the gravy boat. And I'll tell him whoever was responsible for sticking my foot in it should be thrown off at the next port. Roland: Well, come along, ladies. Let's get down to breakfast, don't want the prunes to get cold, what? {Later.} Dr. Hinge: Are you sure you can manage those three deckchairs on your own, Roland? Roland: Oh, yes, yes. Just let me know where you want to settle, I believe we've passed this spot three times already. Dame Hilda: I think we'd better sit here, dear, Roland’s becoming a little peevish. Dr. Hinge: This will do, Roland, can you set up the deckchairs here? Dr. Hinge: Oh, let me help you, there, that's it. Dr. Hinge: Not straight after breakfast. Dame Hilda: It'll spoil the prunes. Dame Hilda: Yes, you're quite right. Could I have my travelling rug, Evadne? Dame Hilda: Ooh, what are you going to do, Roland? Roland: Take my trousers off. Roland: No, don't worry. I took the liberty of putting me shorts on underneath. Dr. Hinge: Not over your pyjamas, I hope. Dame Hilda: I don't know why you bothered, Roland, those khaki shorts are nearly as long as your trousers. Roland: Well, I, uh... you see, I, uh, I roll‘em up, you see, or roll‘em down, uh, depending on the weather. Dr. Hinge: You'd be better off with a Venetian blind. Roland: By the way, ladies, have you noticed anything, uh, peculiar about my legs? Dame Hilda: Well, not really. I've only just met them. But now you, uh... you come to mention it, they, uh, are a bit close together. Dr. Hinge: Yes, there appears to be a strange white patch on each shin. Roland: Oh, no, that's my fault. I sunbathed yesterday and left my suspenders on. No, no, it's not that. I want you to, uh... I want you to look again. Dame Hilda: I give up. You'll have to tell us, Roland. Roland: Very well. False kneecap. Yes, there we are, and you can't tell, can you? Dame Hilda: No, it's fascinating, have a look, dear, put your glasses on! Dr. Hinge: Not for me, thank you. Roland: Go on, go on. give it a prod with your knitting needle. Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't like to, Roland. Roland: Go on, go on. I can't feel a thing. Dame Hilda: Oh, very well, then. Roland: Arrrgh! It was the wrong leg. Dr. Hinge: I should put them away, Roland, while they're still in one piece. Roland: Funny things, legs, though, aren't they? Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I've never really thought about it. Roland: I've always said we take our legs for granted. What the devil am I saying? I've never said that in me life. Dr. Hinge: Well, that's the anatomy lesson over. Now for the language class. Dr. Hinge: Did you bring the Spanish phrasebook with you? Dame Hilda: Yes, here. Roland: Oh, really? Well, I don't believe it, as you know. No, no, if they want to communicate with us, let them learn English. It's easy enough. Roland: Well, all I'm saying is you don't have to learn their language. I find I have no trouble getting through to these foreign fellows at all. I use a very simple technique. I simply shout at ‘em, if that doesn't work, I mix it. Roland: Well, I do half and half. Never fails, like, excuse me, oh, how muchio is that boiled eggio, and a slice of toastio here? Roland: Oh, come on, Evadne. Tell us what it means. Dr. Hinge: Well, I would have thought it was obvious, Roland. Herocomidentatura. I have broken my dentures. Roland: Now, then, that is a useful one to slip into everyday conversation. Good afternoon, madam, what a lovely day, I've broken my dentures. Dame Hilda: The trouble is, if you had broken your dentures, you wouldn't be able to say herocomidentatura. It would probably sound more like pappa, pappa, pappa! Roland: Come on, then, what's next? Dr. Hinge: Busque un premiero enseguida. Dr. Hinge: Yes, it means, send for a plumber immediately. Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha! Dr. Hinge: What's the matter, dear? {Later. Back on board.} Roger: Let me help you aboard, ladies. Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Captain. Roger: Did you enjoy your trip ashore? Dame Hilda: Very exotic. The Spanish gentlemen were very helpful. Dr. Hinge: And familiar, dear. Dame Hilda: Olé! Dame Hilda: Yes, well, Roland said he knew a shortcut back to the harbour, you see. Dr. Hinge: He's called at the gift shop to buy himself a straw sombrero. Roland: Hi there, Captain! Roland: How do you like the hat, then, eh? Dame Hilda: Well, it doesn't really match your khaki shorts, Roland. Roland: You haven't had to wait for me, have you, Captain? Roger: I have indeed! Both: Oooh! Roger: What are you inferring, sir? Roger: There's something I would like to discuss with you. Shall we say in a quarter of an hour? Dr. Hinge: And if we're late, we'll have taken a shortcut. Roger: Yes. See you later, then. Dame Hilda: I hope you're not going to walk around the ship wearing that hat, Roland. Dr. Hinge: You'll never get it through the Captain's door. Dame Hilda: Yes, it'll make a very nice hanging basket. Dr. Hinge: That one will keep the sun off your lawn. {Captains cabin.} Roger: Ah, come in, ladies. Lovely to see you again. Oh, come in, Brigadier. Dame Hilda: My word, what a beautiful cabin. And I thought we were travelling first class. Roland: Perks of the job Hilda. When I was in Egypt, they always reserved the best camel for me. What the blazes am I saying? Never been on a camel in me life. Roger: Well, what I want to talk to you about is this. As you're probably aware from the notices around the ship, tomorrow evening, as far as entertainment is concerned, is crew night. Roland: Would you care for a peculiarly strong mint, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: No, thank you, Roland. Roger: No, well, it's a little innovation of my own. Roland: Would you care for a peculiarly strong mint, Hilda? Roger: We do have two or three very talented members of the crew, and it all helps build up a cordial atmosphere and a sense of well-being between passengers and crew. Roland: Would you care for a peculiarly strong mint, Captain? Dr, Hinge: You were building up a cordial atmosphere between passengers and crew. Roland: May I ask a question, Captain? Roger: What is it, man? Roger: You can eat the box, for all I care. Roland: Thank you very much, Captain, carry on. Roger: Now, normally it's just the crew, but due to your phenomenal success, ladies, I would be most grateful if you would appear as my special guests. Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely, we will be top of the bill, won't we? Roger: But of course. Dame Hilda: Well, then, we'd be delighted, wouldn't we, dear? Roger: Splendid! Oh, there's just one thing I would like to mention. Roland: Ooh! Oh, I broken my tooth. Dame Hilda: Don't you mean... herocomidentatura! Roland: False alarm, false alarm! It's the mint, carry on, Captain. Roger: Now, normally I just do the comparing, but I do possess a quiet, modest voice. Roger: Will you shut up! Where was I? Roger: Yes, I was referring, of course, to my singing voice, and I wondered, as a special favour, if you would allow me to join you so that I could tell my friends that I once sang with Dame Hilda and the Doctor. Dame Hilda: Oh, I think that sounds a lovely idea, don't you, dear? Roland: Why don't we make it a quartet? Yes, but we would need another good voice. Dame Hilda: Be a bit crowded, dear, four of us in one bath. {Entertainment lounge.} Roger: Thank you, Third Engineer McPherson. And I certainly never saw his lips move, ladies and gentlemen, except when the dummy was speaking. And now, for your entertainment and delight, I give you Magic in the Modern Manner from Chief Steward Harry Goldthorpe. Take it away, Ken. When you're ready, everybody…. {Later.} Dame Hilda: The interval's just about over. It all seems to be going rather well, Captain. I thought your conjurer, Chappie, was marvellous. Dr. Hinge: Yes, where else did that rabbit go to? Dame Hilda: I think we are better not knowing, dear.
Roland: Not nervous, are you, Captain? Roland: Then why are you putting lipstick on your eyebrows? Roger: Oh, yes. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE! Dame Hilda: Yes, thank you, thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen, for your marvellous reception. Dame Hilda: Yes. Our dear friends, Brigadier Baines and Captain Frobisher himself, are going to render for us Sir Joseph Porter's song from Act One of H.M.S. Pinafore, or The Lass That Loved a Sailor. Originally a solo, but beautifully arranged for two voices by my colleague here, the Doctor. Dr. Hinge: In a moment of weakness. Dame Hilda: We give you Two Voices in Harmony, we hope. Roger: Roland: Roger: What are you doing here? Dame Hilda: It would just happen to be two different operas, but never mind. I think we could start again.
When I was a lad, I served a term As office boy to an attorney's firm. I cleaned the windows And I swept the floor And I polished up the handle of the big front door He polished up the handle of the big front door That now I am the ruler of the Queen's Navy He polished up that handle so carefully That now he is the ruler of the Queen's Navy As an office boy I made such a mark That they gave me the post of a junior clerk I served a writs with a smile so bland And I copied all the letters in a big round hand He copied all the letters in a big round hand. I copied all the letters in a hand so free That now I am the ruler of the Queen's Navy That now he's the ruler of the Queen's Navy Serving writs I made such a name That an articled clerk I soon became I wore clean collars and a brand new suit For the passed examination of the institute. That passed examination did so well for me That now I am the ruler of the Queen's Navy That passed examination did so well for he That now he's the ruler of the Queen's Navy. That they took me into the partnership And that junior partnership, I ween Was the only ship that I ever had seen Was the only ship he ever had seen But that kind of ship so suited me That now I am the ruler of the Queen's Navy. That now he is the ruler of the Queen's Navy I grew so rich that I was sent By a pocket borough into Parliament I always voted at my party's call And I never thought of thinking for myself at all He never thought of thinking for himself at all I thought so little they rewarded me By making me the ruler of the Queen's Navy He thought so little they rewarded he By making him the ruler of the Queen's Navy Now landsmen all, who ever you may be If you want to rise to the top of the tree If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool Be careful to be guided by this golden rule Stick close to your desks, and never go to sea And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navy Stick close to your desks, and never go to sea And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navy
Well now, we thought as we were on board ship, it would be nice to keep with something nautical, as is the expression, I believe. And one must after all keep up to date with expressions. You see we're going to commence with the recitative from Act 1 of Pinafore for Mrs. Cripps, the Portsmouth bumboat woman. She comes on board the boat with her basket full of tobacco and lengths of rope for the sailors. And they welcome her aboard with a lusty cheer. Now we then take this straight in to the song for Patience from Act 1, Patience, the 17-year-old milkmaid, both parts sung by myself, It's wonderful to be versatile. Thank you, if you are comfortable, Captain Sir, Brigadier? go ahead and stand back.
Hail, Man o' wars men Safeguards of your nation Here is an end at last to all privation You've had your pay Spare all you can afford And welcome little buttercup on board. Ahoy!
I cannot tell what this love may be That cometh to all but not to me It cannot be kind as they'd imply Or why do these ladies sigh It cannot be joy or rapture deep Or why do these gentle ladies weep It cannot be blissful as 'tis said Oh, why are their eyes so wondrous red Though everywhere true love I see A-coming to all, but not to me I cannot tell what this love may be Oh, I am blithe, and I am gay While they sit sighing night and day Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me Fal la la la and miserie! Oh, she is blithe, and she is gay While they sit sighing night and day Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me Fal la la la and miserie!
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
