Announcer:
Nestling in the picturesque village of Stackton
Tressel is Utopia limited, the home of Dame Hilda
Bracket and her lifelong companion, Dr. Evadne Hinge, a
Doctor of Music, of course.
Today they are having an early breakfast, 11:15. But the
Doctor seems to be unusually subdued.
Dame Hilda:
You're very quiet this morning, Evadne. Very quiet. Ooh,
very quiet indeed. I don't think I've ever known you as
quiet as this, dear? Well, not since the last time you
were quiet. Can I tempt you with some prunes, dear? Oh,
you are quiet this morning, dear. Well, come on, dear,
what's upset you?
Dr. Hinge:
Nothing.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes, there has, I know you of old, dear. Pass me the
butter, will you? thank you. Now, come along, let's get
to the bottom of it, and the thick cut marmalade, if you
don't mind, dear. You can't bottle it up all day. Now,
come along, get it out of your system, otherwise it’ll
all turn sour inside you. Could I have the cream, dear.
Now, come along, it is about tonight's concert, isn't
it?
Dr. Hinge: You
know perfectly well it is, Hilda.
Dame Hilda: But,
I don’t dear, no, I am sorry, I don't know at all. Pass
me a slice of toast dear. Well, come along now, what
have I done wrong?
Dr. Hinge: What
haven’t you done wrong?
Dame Hilda: Ooh,
it’s as bad is that, is it?
Dr. Hinge: I
could possibly overlook the fact that your name is in
capital letters on the front of the programme.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
that's nothing to do with me at all. That was the
typewriter, dear. That lever keeps sticking. You know
the capital letter lever.
Dr. Hinge: Mmm.!
It never seems to stick when you type my name. Anyway,
as I say, I could possibly excuse that, but I can, under
no circumstance, excuse item number five on the
programme.
Dame Hilda: Item
number five, well, let me look, dear… Piano solo by Dr.
Hinge, Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody,
Dr. Hinge:
Exactly.
Dame Hilda:
Well, what do you mean exactly? Don't you want to do it?
Dr. Hinge: Of
course I want to do it, Hilda. It’s my favourite.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I know that, dear. That's why I put it down. Pass
me that clean knife, will you, dear? But I can't see why
you should get upset about Liszt’s old Hungarian
Rhapsody. No, that one's got jam on it, dear. You play
it so well, dear, that's the one, thank you. I mean, I’d
no hesitation when I came to item number five. I thought
straight away, Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody.
Dr. Hinge: And
that's just the point.
Dame Hilda: What
point, dear? I'm completely lost.
Dr. Hinge: You
never asked me.
Dame Hilda:
Asked you what, dear?
Dr. Hinge: Asked
me whether or not I wanted to do it.
Dame Hilda: But
you've just said that you do want to do it.
Dr. Hinge: I
know I did. I do want to do it, and I'm going to do it.
It's just that I was never consulted as to whether I
might not want to do it if I felt I might not want to do
it.
Dame Hilda: And
I'm looking forward to you doing it, dear. It was an
assumption on my part and I apologise.
Dr. Hinge:
Apology accepted and yes I will have more prunes.
Dame Hilda:
Certainly, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Have
you read Gilbert's card? came this morning, dear.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
lovely.
Dr. Hinge: He's
in Bridlington, you know.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
dear Gil, is it a view of the harbour?
Dr. Hinge: No,
dear. It's not that kind of card.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
well, let me see it. Oh. Ooh. Ha ha ha! I don't
understand it, dear.
Dr. Hinge: No,
neither do I.
Dame Hilda:
Well, I don't think we should show it to Maud though,
just in case it's rude.
Dr. Hinge: Oh.
We're not having the dubious pleasure of her company
today, are we?
Dame Hilda: Who,
dear?
Dr. Hinge: Maud!
Dame Hilda: Now,
dear, there's no need to be like that. She's a great
help to us with our little concerts and helping with the
catering and so forth.
Dr. Hinge: And
how many wine glasses did she break last time?
Dame Hilda: Yes,
I know, dear, but her heart is in the right place, you
know.
Dr. Hinge: And
I'm not rehearsing that duet when she's here, breathing
down my neck and turning the music over two pages at a
time.
Dame Hilda:
Well, that gives us about five minutes because she's
bringing the shopping at 11.30. Tom's dropping her off
on his motorbike.
Dr. Hinge: Right
then. Well, let's have a quick run through before she
arrives.
Dame Hilda:
Well, come on then. Now, bring your prunes with you. Let
me open the door, dear, we don't want prune juice on the
hall carpet. Ooh, it's a bit chilly in here. We better
ask Maud to light a fire as soon as she comes. Ooh, look
at poor Milton, feathers all ruffled, who’s a pretty boy
then. Oh, you’re very quiet this morning, Milton. Very
quiet indeed, have a prune! he’s not saying anything,
dear.
Dr. Hinge:
Mm-hmm. He's probably saving it for the middle of the
Hungarian Rhapsody, dear. The last time we had a
concert, he ruined my Appassionata.
Dame Hilda:
Well, all right, dear. Now, let's get on. Now, are you
going straight in or do you want me to warm up to it
with a couple of cadenzas?
Dr. Hinge:
Straight in, I think, dear.
Dame Hilda:
All right, well, off we go, then.
So go to him
and say to him
With
compliment ironical
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you
And that’s
what I shall say
Your style is
much too sanctified
your cut is
too canonical
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you
And that’s
what I shall say
I was the beau
ideal of the morbid young aesthetical
To doubt my
inspiration was regarded as heretical
Until you cut
me out with your placidity emetical
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you
And that’s
what I shall say
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you
And that’s
what I shall say
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you {Hey!}
Sing Bah to
you
Ha, ha to you
{Good-day!}
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you {Bah!}
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you {Booh!}
Sing Bah to
you
Ha, ha to you
{Pooh, pooh!}
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you {Bah!}
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Bah!
Booh!
Bah!
Booh!
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Bah!
Booh!
Bah!
Booh!
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Dr. Hinge:
Very nice dear, I like that!
Dame Hilda:
Thank you, dear. Well I slip a bit in when I can, you
know.
Dr. Hinge: I
know you do dear.
I’ll tell him
that unless he will consent to be more jocular
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you
And that’s
what you should say
To cut his
curly hair and stick an eyeglass in his occular
Sing Bah to
you
Ha, ha to you
And that’s
what you should say
To stuff his
conversation full of quibble and of quiddity
To dine on
roly-poly pudding with avidity
He’d better
clear away with all convenient rapidity
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you
And that’s
what you should say
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you
And that’s
what I shall say
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you {Hey!}
Sing Bah to
you
Ha, ha to you
{Good-day!}
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you {Bah!}
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Sing Hey to
you
Good-day to
you {Booh!}
Sing Bah to
you
Ha, ha to you
{Pooh, pooh!}
Sing Booh to
you
Pooh, pooh to
you {Bah!}
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Bah!
Booh!
Bah!
Booh!
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
Bah!
Booh!
Bah!
Booh!
And that’s
what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
{Motorcycle
arriving!}
Dame Hilda: Just
made it dear, Maud’s arriving.
Dr. Hinge: Now
just look at her on the back of that motorcycle, she
looks ridiculous!
Dame Hilda: Yes,
I do wish she'd sit in the side car, she's not built to
straddle. Well, if we let her in through the French
windows... This way, Maud, we're in here, dear.
Dr. Hinge:
Straight across the flowerbed, dear. There's two
delphiniums and an aster gone.
Dame Hilda: Poor
thing. She's probably forgotten her glasses, come in,
dear.
Maud: Oh, what a
terrible time I've ‘ad. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Dame
‘ilda, My sprouts ‘as been all over the ‘igh street. The
bottom fell out of me carrier bag, see? And I couldn't
get yer any potted shrimps, so I got yer ‘alfa pound ’o
custard creams instead.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
lovely dear.
Maud: There was
four p off the washing up liquid but I didn't bother,
cos I got yer six last week. Oh, by the way, you'll find
some of the eggs is broken. Tom went over a pot hole,
see? Ooh, I should have sat in the sidecar with the eggs
and my feet's no better.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
well, never mind, Maud. Oh, yes, all two dozen of them.
Scrambled eggs for supper, dear. Oh, dear, you seem to
have broken the jar of pickled onions as well, Maud,
what a pity you put it in the same bag as the chocolate
cake, and the soap flakes. Never mind, dear, it could be
worse.
Maud: Doctors
very quiet this morning. Very quiet indeed.
Dr. Hinge: Words
fail me.
Maud: Yes, well,
I'd noticed that. That's why I said yume very quiet this
morning. Oh, and by the way I dropped the butter.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
well, never mind, dear. It would be wrapped up.
Maud: Well, it
were, but Tom ran over it with his front wheel.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
dear.
Maud: And then I
trod on it, now I'll ‘ave to wash me slippers.
Dame Hilda:
Well, never mind, Maud. You can carry on the good work
by lighting a fire in here, if you would, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
as long as our insurance is paid up.
Maud: Well, I'd
better go down the cellar for some coal, then. I won't
be long.
Dame Hilda:
Well, do be careful going down the cellar steps in those
buttered slippers, Maud. We couldn't manage without you,
you know.
Dr. Hinge: We
could try.
Maud:
Oh,
I got a brand new combine harvester, and I gives you the
key.
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
Hilda, she's hopeless.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
well, I think we ought to be getting on. Tempus fugit
and all that, we don't want to be rushing about at the
last minute.
Dr. Hinge: Yes.
Because you've got all the shopping to do again, haven't
you? Thanks to Maud.
{ Later!}
Dr. Hinge: Do
stand still, dear. I can't pin this hem if you fidget.
Dame Hilda:
Sorry, dear. Ooh!
Dr. Hinge: Was
that your leg, dear?
Dame Hilda:
Well, don't worry, I've got another one.
Dr. Hinge:
There we are. Hilda?
Dame Hilda: Yes,
dear.
Dr. Hinge: Can
you smell something?
Dame Hilda:
Well, only mothballs, dear.
Dr. Hinge: No,
no, smells like burning.
Dame Hilda:
Well, from next door garden perhaps?
Dr. Hinge: No, I
don't think so, a sort of smokey smell.
Dame Hilda:
Well, come on, then, let's investigate.
Dr. Hinge: Ooh,
Hilda. There's smoke pouring out of the drawing room
door! Oh, my piano!
Dame Hilda:
Well, never mind your piano, dear, what about Milton?
Dr. Hinge: It's
the silly chimney that's smoking again. I knew we
shouldn't have had that sweep that Maud recommended.
Dame Hilda:
Well, open the window, dear. Oh, Milton, where are you,
boy? Oh, Evadne, look, he's laid out on the bottom of
his cage. Ooh, I think he's dead.
Dr. Hinge: Bring
him to the window, dear.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
now here you are, come along, dear, give him the kiss of
life.
Dr. Hinge: I'm
not giving him the kiss of life, he's your budgie.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
I know, dear, but you've got a smaller mouth than I
have. Oh, come on, Evadne, blow up his nose or
something.
Dr. Hinge: Very
well.
Dame Hilda: Not
as fast as that, dear, you'll inflate him.
Dr. Hinge: Oh,
do it yourself.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
come on, Milton, breathe for mummy. Oh, look, Evadne,
look, his little chest’s going up and down.
Dr. Hinge: Thank
goodness for that. Well, now that we've saved Milton,
let's try and remove the soot and smoke from the room.
Otherwise, you'll have to give the kiss of life to the
audience.
{Later.
Dame Hilda: Ah,
Dorothy! How nice to see you, dear, do come in. Ooh,
you've brought a new friend, as usual. Mrs…. Oh, Miss
Foster, yes, it would be. Well, I'm Dame Hilda Bracket,
dear, how do you do, do sit down.
Dr. Hinge: And
I'm Dr. Hinge.
Dame Hilda:
Well, of course you are, dear. Yes, this is Dr. Hinge my
lifelong companion.
Dr. Hinge: Who
you sometimes overlook, dear.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
oh, Vicar, and Mrs. Smollett. Ooh, how kind of you, home
made sausage rolls, are they? Oh, they're chocolate
eclairs, yes, of course they are. Oh, you must let me
have the recipe, if there is one. Oh, I wouldn't sit
near the potted palm, Vicar, the green fly get
everywhere. Oh, I see you like the feel of that wicker
chair, yes, I know what you mean.
Dr. Hinge:
There's someone else just come in, dear, Doris.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes. Now, you all know Doris, our village midwife.
Dr. Hinge:
A very appropriate late arrival, dear.
Dame Hilda:
Oh, dear, very good. Yes, I like that, wish I had
thought of it. Sit down, Doris. Should I boil you some
water, dear? Well, now, before we embark upon another of
our musical soirees, I must apologise for the absence of
a fire and the rather smoky atmosphere.
Dr. Hinge:
Yes, we seem to have proved there can be smoke
without fire, you see.
Dame Hilda: Most
amusing, dear. Now, you see, our dear friend, Maud,
well, now, she did light a fire, but due to a
recalcitrant chimney, we had the choice of putting out
the fire or doing an Al Jolson medley. You know, the
black face, you know, the minstrel chappie. Oh, well,
never mind, yes.
We would like to sing a lovely piece for you from
the finale of Act 1 of the Gondoliers by Gilbert and
Sullivan. And this is a quartet arranged for two voices.
Entitled, Oh, tis is a glorious thing, I ween.
Dr. Hinge:
To be a regular royal queen.
Then one of us
will be a Queen
And sit on a
golden throne
With a crown
instead
Of a hat on
her head
And diamonds
of her own
With a
beautiful robe of gold and green
I’ve always
understoooooood
Dr. Hinge:
lovely note, perfection!
Dame Hilda:
Thank you very much dear, well the acoustics in here are
very good.
Dr. Hinge: I
know they are, you see I’ve got one coming up in a
minute!
Dame Hilda:
God moves in a mysterious way!
I wonder
whether
She’d wear a
feather {I wonder?}
I rather think
she should
Oh, ‘tis a
glorious thing, I ween
To be a
regular Royal Queen
No half and
half affair, I mean
No half and
half affair
But a right
down regular
Regular,
regular
Regular royal
Queen
She’ll drive
about in a carriage and pair
With the king
on her left hand side
And a milk
white horse
As a matter of
course
Whenever she
wants to ride
With beautiful
silver shoes to wear
upon her
dainty feeeeeeeet
Dame Hilda:
Very nice indeed dear. That’s the other lovely note,
very reminiscent of Lilian Baylis I thought!
Dr. Hinge:
She didn’t sing dear?
Dame Hilda:
No, but she played a very good banjo!
With endless
stocks
Of beautiful
frocks
And as much as
she wants to eat
Oh, ‘tis a
glorious thing, I ween
To be a
regular Royal Queen
No half and
half affair, I mean
No half and
half affair
But a right
down regular
Regular,
regular
Regular royal
Queen
Oh, ‘tis a
glorious thing, I ween
To be a
regular Royal Queen
A right down
regular Royal Queen
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, what's Maud doing?
Dame Hilda:
What? Oh!
Maud: I've bin
and lost the cucumber, so I ‘ad to use fish paste and
this bread's too fresh, so I've ‘ad to cut it a bit
thick. I would ‘ave used yesterday's but you used
yesterday's this morning. It would ‘ave been alright
tomorrow this bread. And the sink's bin and got blocked
up.
Dame Hilda: Oh,
has it, and what blocking up the sink, the lost
cucumber?
Maud: No, them
pickled onions.
Dame Hilda:
Pickled onions in the sink, dear?
Maud: Well, I
were washing the chocolate cake off ‘em.
Dr. Hinge: Maud,
you were supposed to bring the refreshments at the
interval.
Maud: Well,
isn't it the interval now?
Dame Hilda:
Well, no dear, we've hardly done anything.
Maud: Well, I've
been very busy. I ‘ad to clean all that jam off the
kitchen floor as well.
Dame Hilda: What
jam?
Maud: Well, the
jam I dropped when the milk boiled over. Anyway, I
shovelled everything up, you know, and put it in the bin
with the broken plates and... oh, I just remembered
where the cucumber is.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
why don't you go and get it and...
Dame Hilda: Come
back at the interval, dear?
Maud: Right, but
dunny blame me if they sandwiches dry up.
Dr. Hinge: Just
as long as you do, dear.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
well, I must apologise for that little contretemps, but
on with the show.
{Crash!}
Dame Hilda: Oh,
what was that?
Dr. Hinge: I
think it's Maud doing an encore, dear.
Dame Hilda: This
piece we are going to sing for you now is a lovely duet
for two voices. And this comes from Act 2 of Patience by
Gilbert and Sullivan. And first of all, we meet Lady
Jane, an elderly Spinster.
Dr. Hinge:
An elderly ugly Spinster.
Dame Hilda: I
think that remark was a little uncalled for, dear.
Dr. Hinge: I
quote the libretto, of course.
Dame Hilda: Of
course! Played by myself without the aid of makeup, but
very clever lighting. She's joined by Reginald
Bunthorne.
Dr. Hinge: A
fleshly poet.
Dame Hilda:
Correct!
{So
go to him.} fades
Dame Hilda:
Well, I hope you enjoyed the refreshments. I'm sorry the
interval was so late, but, you see, Maud had to go to
the village hall to replace the crockery she borrowed
from the scout hut, which unfortunately fell out of
Tom's sidecar when she was bringing back to replace
the... well, you know what I mean,
Dr. Hinge:
Hilda, I think we should get on, you know. It's 20 past
six.
Dame Hilda: Yes,
yes, yes. Well, now, before we enter the final musical
piece, as it were, oh, yes, yes, good night Mrs.
Pangbourne-Flitch, thank you for coming, dear. And we
have been asked to make one or two announcements. First
of all, the results of last Saturday's garden fate held
in the vicarage garden, a lovely place for it, and what
a tremendous success it turned out to be, despite the
sudden downpour, and the lightning striking the maypole
of course.
Dr. Hinge:
And of course, our thanks to Mrs. Smollett for
donating a homemade fruitcake to be raffled, and this
was won by Mrs. Collins, who took it home for her tea.
Now, Mrs. Collins had intended being here tonight, but
the nurse said she needed a few more days rest.
Dame Hilda: And
the darts competition was won by our local blacksmith.
Well done, Brian. Those nights in the Red lion weren't
wasted, were they, dear? or so the bar maid informs me.
Dr. Hinge: Now,
the ladies in charge of the tea tent raised a
magnificent 54 pounds, 75 pence. Bravo. Now, I
understand this could have been much more, but someone
stole the tea bag. Ha ha ha! The tea bag?
Dame Hilda:
Another one of your witticisms, dear. Now, the
competition to guess the name of the doll. Now, this
proved very popular indeed, and the winner was Sexton
Tweddle, who correctly guessed that the name of the doll
was Isabella, Catarina, Francesca, Delores, Fatima,
Melissa, Bertha, Constance, Angela, Fortescue-Smithe.
Well done, Sexton, dear. Yes, an excellent guess. Oh,
and please convey our thanks to your wife, Gudrun, for
running the competition. And now, altogether, the sum of
362 pounds was raised. Isn't that wonderful? And
presented to the curate, and he put it all very safely
in his little tin box. And he said he would go ahead
with renovating the church hall directly, he returns
from his holiday in Bermuda. And your turn dear, the
bells, the bells, Henry Irving, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Now,
next week's County Bell Ringing Championship is causing
a lot of excitement. Our team are rehearsing most
evenings, as we're all aware.
Dame Hilda: And
our captain, Cyril Garside, is looking forward with
anticipation to demonstrating his triple bob major.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
well, he hasn't run the bell for several years, to my
knowledge.
Dame Hilda: And
finally, I have been asked to mention the next bring and
buy sale, which is Saturday week. So if any of you have
anything you wish to get rid of.
Dr. Hinge: Well,
we could put Maud on the white elephant stall, dear.
Dame Hilda: Well
that’s a little bit unkind, dear. Well, now I think
that's all.
Dr. Hinge:
Haven't you forgotten something?
Dame Hilda: No,
I don't think so, dear.
Dr. Hinge: The
wedding!
Dame Hilda: Oh,
yes. Oh, how clumsy of me. Great excitement, yes, we've
just heard that Mrs. Blenkiron’s lovely daughter,
Marigold, sweet girl, she is to marry Mr. Henry
Craythorne, you know the well known collector of
antiques. And... I'm sure that you all remember, dear
Marigold selling kisses at her mother's garden party
last year.
Dr. Hinge: Yes,
she ran at a loss, didn't she, dear?
Dame Hilda: Yes,
well, now, on with the show. What we would like to
finish off with, for you, is a lovely piece by Rossini.
Now, perhaps you'd like to introduce it, would you dear.
Dr. Hinge:
Certainly, dear. The title of the song, of course, in
the original Italian
Dame Hilda: Of
course!
Dr. Hinge:
Duetto buffo, di due gatti.
Dame Hilda: Now,
for those of you whose knowledge of Italian is little
more than Asti Spumante, translated, that simply means
the cat duet. Now, in this, Dr. Hinge will be recreating
for you one of her best loved and famous roles, that of
a ginger Thomas, also a doctor. And myself, I shall be
singing for you the role of a fluffy white Persian
kitten. And the scene is a garden wall at moonlight when
the two cats meet. Ha ha ha!
Dr. Hinge:
What’s up now?
Dame Hilda: Cats
meat! Ha ha ha! Never mind, dear.
Dr. Hinge: The
cat duet.
Dame Hilda: By
Rossini.
Dr. Hinge: I
said that.
