Maud: Who?

Dr. Hinge:  The town clerk, Maud.

Maud:  Oh, ‘im.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, he wants to talk to us about Saturday's fancy dress dance.

Dr. Hinge: You know, I bet he wants us to do the judging, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, most certainly, dear.

Maud:  Oh, well, if you'm judging, I might enter.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, that's a good idea, Maud. I mean, the more the merrier, you know. In fact, why don't you and Arthur come as Adam and Eve?

Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, we wouldn't dare. My Arthur don't like showing ‘is body. ‘e gets embarrassed if ‘e rolls up ‘is trousers to go paddling.

Dr. Hinge: I'm not surprised, Maud. I've seen his legs.

Dame Hilda: When did you see Arthur's legs, dear?

Maud:  There's nothing wrong with my Arthur's legs.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I'm talking to you, when did you see Arthur's legs?

Maud: Sort of pale pink they are, same colour as my bathroom suite.

Dame Hilda: Evadne will you answer me?

Dr. Hinge: At the church pantomime, Hilda. Arthur, if you remember, was an ugly sister, he wore those tights, they were green.

Maud: They're not green, they're pink.

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, no, no, Maud, no, no, dear, no, no, we're getting confused.

{Door Knocks.}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I'll go and let him in.

Dame Hilda: Maud, dear, would you make some coffee and a few cucumber sandwiches?

Maud: Right, I'll get on with it now. I didn't know the Doctor ‘ad seen my Arthur's legs.

Dame Hilda: Well, I shouldn't worry about it, Maud, she seems to have recovered. Ah, come in, Teddy.

Teddy: Hilda, love, how are you?

Dame Hilda: I'm fine, Teddy.

Teddy: It's fair grand to see you. Hello, Maud, love.

Maud: Good morning, Mr Tranter.

Teddy: My word, you get more beautiful every time I see you.

Maud: Yes... well, I'm going to make coffee.

Dr. Hinge: Sit down, Teddy.

Teddy: Oh, thank you, Evadne, love. Well, I'll come straight to the point. You know me, blunt man, don't beat about the bush. Get it said and get it dealt with. No good shilly-shallying going round the back to get to the front. You know what I always say, do it now or don't do it at all. I've always said that, haven't I, always said that, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Always, Teddy, yes.

Teddy: Right, well, practise what you preach, don't say one thing and do another, I've always said that.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Teddy: Right, well, as you know, it's the fancy dress dance on Saturday and my committee felt that we should invite a celebrity like a famous comedian to do the judging.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I see.

Teddy:  But I said, and I want you to know this, Hilda, love, it was me that said it. Why do we need a comedian when we've got you two?

Dr. Hinge: Thank you very much, Teddy.

Teddy: You are celebrities in your own right, I've always said that, so I said I'd ask you, and you know me, I don't mince words, will you do it?

Dr. Hinge: We'd be delighted, wouldn't we, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Thrilled and honoured, Teddy.

Teddy: Well, well, well, that didn't take long.

Dame Hilda: I hope it's as good a turnout as the last fancy dress that we had in the village.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, Hilda, that was years ago.

Dame Hilda: I know it was.

Dr. Hinge: I remember, it was hilarious.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, we've laughed about that fancy dress over and over again.

Teddy: You know, I don't remember it at all. Hilda, love, what year was it?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it was in 1968, Teddy.

Dr. Hinge:  67, dear.

Dame Hilda: No, no, it was 68 Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: I'm sorry, Hilda, but you're wrong, it was 67.

Teddy: Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, it's not worth falling out over.

Dame Hilda: Of course it isn't, Teddy. Anyway, it was 1968.

Dr. Hinge:  67.

Dame Hilda:  I'm sorry, Evadne and you know that I don't like to argue with you, so I'm not going to.

Dr. Hinge: Good.

Dame Hilda:  But it was 1968. I remember it distinctly because, I'll tell you why, it was the same time that Maud moved house.

Dr. Hinge: That's right. 1967.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, we'll soon find out. Maud, Maud, have you got a minute, dear?

Teddy: Look, does it matter, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: No, it doesn't matter to me, Teddy, but Evadne can be so stubborn.

Maud: Yes.

Dame Hilda: I trust you will not argue with Maud, dear.

Maud: Were you calling, Mr. Tranter?

Dame Hilda: No, dear, it was me, now, Maud, what year did you and Arthur move house?

Maud:  1967.

Dame Hilda:  No, Maud, it wasn't, it was 1968.

Maud:  1967, Dame ‘ilda. Just after we ‘ad the last fancy dress dance.

Dame Hilda: Yes, all right, Maud, will you go and get on with the supper, dear? Yes, yes, yes, do you know, I never thought Maud's memory would go like that.

Dr. Hinge:  Hilda Bracket, it was 1967 and you know it.

Dame Hilda: You know, dear, you're taking this far too seriously, Evadne. Anyway, Teddy, it was 1967 or 1968.

Teddy: It wasn't in August, was it?

Dame Hilda:  No, September.

Dr. Hinge: August dear, should we ask Maud again?

Dame Hilda: No point, her memory's gone. Anyway, it was August or September.

Teddy: Well, that would explain it. I was in hospital with my stomach.

Dame Hilda: Well... I would hardly expect you to be in hospital without it. I bet you wish you’d thought of that, don't you, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I did, Hilda, I was just too ashamed to mention it, get on with the story, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes. Well, you keep interrupting me, you see, dear. Anyway, Maud came as Britannia and she looked so funny, didn't she?

Dr. Hinge: She still does, dear.

Dame Hilda: She was wearing a brass coal scuttle for a helmet, you see, and it was quite big and rather heavy, so every time it fell forward, you couldn't see her face.

Dr. Hinge: And I've been trying to get her to wear it ever since, you know. Oh, tell Teddy about the vicar, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, now, this is funny, Teddy. Teddy, you're going to like this. The vicar arrived quite late and he made a spectacular entrance, though.

Teddy: Who did he come as?

Dame Hilda: Mae West.

Teddy: Not Donald Smollett?

Dame Hilda: Yes, Donald Smollett. He borrowed a wig from the Operatic Society wardrobe. He put on one of his wife's dresses and he stuffed two balloons down the front.

Dr. Hinge: He caused a sensation, didn't he?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, you could say that, because one of his balloons was bigger than the other, you know.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, and then, if you remember, he danced with Miss Primley, who had come as the spirit of Christmas.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but unfortunately, you see, she had a sprig of holly in her hair. And as you know, she's not very tall. Well, as I say, you see, one of Donald's balloons was sticking out a bit further than the other, but it wasn't that way for long anyway.

Teddy:  Oh, I wish I'd seen it.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it was very funny, Teddy, there was Mae West with only one half of her equipment.

Dame Hilda:  Mind you, Evadne, full marks to Donald for resourcefulness, he took off his wig, he pushed his remaining bosom round the back, and do you know he got third prize as the hunchback of Notre Dame?

Dr. Hinge: A lovely picture, isn't it, you know? Quasimodo in a dress?

Dame Hilda: Swinging on a bell rope and saying, come up and see me sometime.

Teddy: Well, what did you go as, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Evadne and I, listen to this, Evadne and I went as Laurel and Hardy, you know, but I don't think we quite captured the characters.

Teddy: Why was that?

Dame Hilda: We won first prize as Hitler and Mussolini. Oh, course, you were bigger then, weren't you?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I was much bigger then, yes.

Dame Hilda: Ah, Maud, how's the supper coming along, dear?

Maud: ‘tisn’t, I've ‘ad a bit of an accident, ain't I, Dame ‘ilda.

Dr. Hinge: Here we go.

Maud: Did you put that jar o’ gravy brownin’ on the top shelf?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear.

Maud: I thought it were coffee.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, dear, so, what's happened, Maud?

Maud: Well, I've made two pints of gravy.

Dr. Hinge: Well done, Maud.

Maud:  With milk, mind you, mind you, it doesn't taste bad, and with three sugars, you can ‘ardly tell the difference.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I don't think we'll risk it, dear. How are the cucumber sandwiches?

Maud: They aren't.

Dame Hilda: Er... what do you mean, Maud?

Maud: I sat on ‘em, I just put ‘em down on a chair for a minute, because I was short o’ room, and I'd forgot about ‘em.

Dame Hilda: Until you sat down.

Maud: Yes.

Dr. Hinge:  Maud, you are hopeless.

Maud: Well, I don't do these things on purpose.

Dame Hilda: No, no, of course you don't, dear, of course not, I mean, if you did, we'd probably be living in a hole.

Dr. Hinge:  Is there anything left at all in the kitchen, Maud?

Maud: We can't all be musical.

Dame Hilda: Sorry about that little contretemps, Teddy, now, what were we talking about?

Teddy: The fancy dress dance, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes.

Teddy: Now, I do have another favour to ask you. As you know, I am on the hospital board.

Dame Hilda: Oh, been having trouble with your back, have you?

Teddy: No, no, love, no, no, the board of governors.

Dame Hilda: Ah, yes.

Teddy: And they've been pestering me to organise more hospital broadcasts, so I thought, why don't we combine the fancy dress dance with an all-star cabaret relayed to the patients?

Dr. Hinge: And who did you have in mind for the cabaret?

Teddy: Well, who else but you two.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, what a surprise, isn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Not really, dear.

Teddy: Of course. I don't expect you to do it all on your own. I'll be helping out.

Dr. Hinge:  But you don't sing, Teddy.

Teddy: No, I shall provide the variety with me conjuring.

Dame Hilda: Yes. Now, I think the patients will enjoy listening to a little bit of conjuring on their headphones.

Teddy: Well, so do I, love, it's a new experience. We should be able to manage 15 minutes between us, something to round off the evening, so what do you say?

Dr. Hinge: Well, 15 minutes is hardly a marathon broadcast, isn't it?

Teddy: Oh, I shall ask the band to fill in with a few numbers. You see, I've managed to book Charlie Bainbridge and the Stackton Orpheans Orchestra.

Dame Hilda: Oh, can all three of them come?

Teddy: Of course. They're going to play for dancing as well.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, of course, there's nothing like a challenge.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. Well, full marks, Teddy. It does sound as though Saturday will be the social event of the year.

{Saturday.}

Dame Hilda:  Well, it’s been a successful evening so far, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes. despite the band.

Dame Hilda: Well, I do agree with you that Charlie Bainbridge is far from being a Victor, Sylvester. Yes.

Dr. Hinge: It must be difficult conducting a three piece orchestra from the bar.

Dame Hilda: And you know, after he played four successive St Bernard Waltzes, I had the feeling I was at Crufts.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, I know what you mean.

Teddy: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, thank you very much. Quiet, please, now, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Bill, Bill, do you mind? I asked for a roll on the drums, not an impression of Star Wars, will somebody give him a nudge? Thanks, Fred, there was no need to hit him with the cymbals. Now, I'd like to call on our good friends, Dame Hilda and the Doctor, to give us the results of the fancy dress competition. Just speak normally into the microphone, you don't have to shout.

Dr. Hinge: A mine of information, isn't he?

Dame Hilda:  Now then, ladies and gentlemen. Judging the fancy dress was, I can say, quite a difficult task. Many of the costumes caught my eye, especially King Neptune's trident. Oh, no. Very painful, well done, Vicar. No, don't come forward, Donald, no, because, you know, you haven't won, I'm afraid. Better luck next year and change your seaweed. And now, another imaginative costume was that of Mr. Flathers, dressed as a chicken.

Dr. Hinge: Feathers everywhere.

Dame Hilda: Cock-a-doodle-doo, Mr. Feathers! Splendid effort. No, no, sorry, dear. You didn't win a prize, either. So you can go back and sit on your perch, unless you're feeling broody.

Dr. Hinge: Can we get on with the prize giving, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, very well. Now, I'll read them in reverse order, because that's what they say, you see.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I know, in third place, we have chosen…

Dame Hilda:  Oh, were you announcing this one, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I thought I might.

Dame Hilda: I see, carry on then, I don't mind.

Dr. Hinge: Are you sure?

Dame Hilda: Absolutely, yes.

Dr. Hinge: Good, well, ladies and gentlemen, we felt...

Dame Hilda: Although you did say you would leave it to me.

Dr. Hinge: I've changed my mind, Hilda, as I was saying, in third place, we have chosen our worthy headmistress of Stackton Girls High.

Dame Hilda: Miss Primley, for her portrayal of Cleopatra.

Dr. Hinge: Now, we would have awarded more marks to Miss Primley's Cleopatra.

Dame Hilda:  But we felt that no matter how cold it was the Queen of the Nile would not have worn a Fair Isle cardigan.

Dr. Hinge: Well, thank you for allowing me to make the announcement, Hilda, or most of it.

Dame Hilda: Not at all, my pleasure, which brings us to second place, and this was won by our own Maud Print, dear Maud, who I thought personally was perfect as The laughing Cavalier.

Dr. Hinge: I think she's supposed to be the Mona Lisa, dear.

Dame Hilda: I don't care if she's supposed to be Whistler's mother, she's won a set of curlers. Finally, here is the moment we've all been waiting for. First prize, and it goes to... Mrs. Tranter, Teddy's wife, Peggy, our town clerk's good lady, and W.I. president.

Dr. Hinge: Why don't you issue an identikit picture, dear?

Dame Hilda: You're being silly, dear, we thought she looked charming as Madame de Pompadour.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, especially the crinoline.

Dame Hilda: That isn't a crinoline, dear, It's her! Ladies and gentlemen, we thought she stood out a mile. In front of any other competitor. So we have no hesitation in awarding the first prize to Peggy Tranter. There you are, Peggy, dear, a lovely, long-playing record. Elsie Jones, live at Las Vegas. Oh, no, sorry, Elton John, I wonder who she is? Right, well, it's cabaret time, and I hope all you lovely patients listening in hospital won't have gone to bed.

Dr. Hinge: They're in bed all the time, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but, I mean... you know what I mean, dear.

Dame Hilda: Ladies and gentlemen, now to introduce our cabaret, here is our compère, your own, wait for it, your very own town clerk, Teddy, a smile, a song, and a rent demand, Tranter.

Teddy: Well, thank you, Hilda, love, well, you know me, man of few words. What can I say about the first turn? Here they are, Dame Hilda and the Doctor.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Teddy. Wasn't really worth it, was it? Now, ladies and gentlemen, for our first spot, as we say in the business, for those of you who aren't professionals, we have written some special words to celebrate this evening, and we hope the people we're singing about won't be offended. It's just our bit of fun, you see, so off you go, dear

Do you ken Stackton Tressel is a very nice place.

With very nice houses and quite a lot of space

Well, I sing soprano.

When, she isn't singing bass

Well, you know what it's like in the morning

Teddy: Wonderful, Hilda, love, wonderful. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's magic in the modern manner with me, Teddy Tranter, alias the great Mystico, and for my first trick, I would like the assistance of a young lady.

Maud: I'll help you, Mr. Tranter.

Teddy: Round of applause for Maud. Now, could I borrow a wristwatch from somebody?

Dame Hilda: Oh, come on, Evadne, lend him yours.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no, I couldn't, dear, it was father's.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's only a trick, you know, dear, here you are, Teddy, Evadne will lend you hers.

Dr. Hinge: No, I won't, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Of course you will, dear.

Teddy: Now, don't worry, Evadne, love, it's a trick. Now, I wrap the watch up in this silk handkerchief. Voila! Now, Evadne, love, can you feel the watch inside this hanky?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, yes, it's still there.

Teddy: Good. Now, Maud, on the table over there, you'll find a large hammer.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no.

Teddy: This is what I want you to do.

Dame Hilda: I think we all know what you want her to do, Teddy, and you couldn't have asked a better person.

Teddy: I put the handkerchief on the table, and you smash it with the hammer.

Maud: Oh, I couldn't do that, Mr. Tranter, I might break the watch.

Dame Hilda:  But he wants you to break the watch, Maud.

Maud: You mean, deliberately?

Teddy: Off you go, Maud.

Maud: Oh, I don't like doing this at all.

{Bang, crash, splinter!}

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, she's broken the table.

Teddy: Uh, uh, don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, I say the magic words, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, I open the handkerchief, and... I've done it wrong! Hilda, I've done it wrong!

Dr. Hinge: Never mind, Hilda, it's my watch.

Dame Hilda: It was your watch, Evadne.

Teddy: Maud, you fool, you've messed it up.

Maud: Well, don't blame me, I only did as I was told.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, what's mother going to say?

Dame Hilda: Well, let's hope she knows some better magic words than Teddy.

Teddy: I'm awfully sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but this has never happened before. It worked when I rehearsed it with a Pontefract cake.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, of course they take some breaking, Pontefract cakes. How much time have we left, Evadne? Oh, I'm sorry, dear, of course you wouldn't know, would you? Now, as most of you do know, our headmistress, Miss Primley, occasionally puts pen to paper in poetic muse. And tonight is no exception, I'm afraid. And the poem she has written for this evening is entitled Rural Bacchanalia, wherever that is. I think you turn left at Stackton Parva. And accompanying me on the piano, as ever, of course, will be Dr. Hinge. Thank you, dear.

Salute. Salute, to fancy dress

Where oft we find security in others' egos

For we are not ourselves when someone else

The head-pecked husband now becomes the Emperor Napoleon

But to his wife he still remains a little man

With hand on rounded belly to ease his indigestion

Applause, applause to carnival

The farmer's man, the calloused handed son of toil

Bedecks himself in fancy finery as Brummel, beau of fashion

Who tries to trip for light fantastic

But trips Queen Boudicca, the Bishop's wife

Acclaim, acclaim to Mardi Gras

Our little village postmistress

With forty stamping sealing years of

Licences for dog and gun behind her

Arise, as Mata Hari, eyes like stork

She spies and spies

Her scanty dress is sheer erotica

The vicar's jaw has dropped

Salute, salute, salute to fancy dress

The merry-makers laugh at play in reproduction happiness

A saxophone wails in ecstasy and dies

As bandleader declaims, next dance please

Mutter mumbles to himself

There must be a better way of earning a living than this

He cries, salute to fancy dress and falls down drunk.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, thank you very much Miss Primley. I think you have captured, what do you think she's captured, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I think something surrendered, dear.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's given us all food for thought. And now to all you patients who are not asleep, to round off our evening's entertainment, the Doctor and I would like to sing for you one of our own favourite pieces, which we don't sing very often, and it comes from one of the early shows of dear Noel Coward, Conversation Piece. Thank you.

When I see the soldiers marching by

With fife and drum

Beneath the summer sky

Little boys who want to do or die

They spread their wings

My spirit sings with joy

Think of all the battles

They have won

For brave and strong

They march along

Like little boys

Who play with toys

Little boys who frolic in the sun

Right, right, right, left, right

Right, right, right, left, right, left

March little soldiers we all adore you.

We’d swoon before you

If we thought that you would care

What e’er befalls you

Where duty calls you

We should love to be there

To share all your troubles but we’d never dare.

But we're quite prepared to cheer you, to victory

To joy or despair

Joy and despair

That's only fair

Dear little soldiers

Should you admire us

And feel desirous

On returning from the fray.

We'd soon surrender

You'll find us tender

And sublimely unresisting

In assisting you to spend