Constance, my daughter

Why this strange depression

Oh, mother, do not ask if my complexion

From red to white

Should change in quick succession

And then from white to red

Oh take no notice

Mother, it is nothing

Maud: Oh I enjoyed that, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud, just a little piece from the Sorcerer, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I didn't see you come in, Maud.

Maud:  No, I were cleaning the 'all and the vacuum bag needed emptying.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I had noticed, dear.

Maud: Well, it's emptied.

Dame Hilda: Good.

Maud: All over the 'all, it burst.

Dr. Hinge:  I despair.

Maud:  Well, it were sucking in one end and blowing out the other.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear.

Maud:  So, I thought I'd throw the carpet over the wash line and give it a good beating.

Dame Hilda: Don't give Evadne any ideas, Maud.

Maud: So I did, and the wash line broke, but don't worry, don't worry, the rain will wash the mud off.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm sure it will.

Maud:  Rain's good for carpets, I always wash my 'air in rainwater.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I can see the connection.

Maud: Nothing better than rain for carpets.

Dame Hilda: Well, now, why don't we take the roof off and give the bedroom rugs a treat?

Maud: What do you mean, Dame 'ilda?

Dame Hilda: It was a joke, Maud.

Maud: A joke?

Dr. Hinge: Over her head, Hilda.

Maud:  Well, where do you expect a roof to be? Under me feet?

Dame Hilda: Never mind, dear, it's unimportant.

Maud: Right. Well, I'll take the Doctor's best coat to the cleaners, then.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, Maud?

Maud: Well, it were right in the line of fire when the bag burst, I shan't be long.

Dr. Hinge: Do you know, if that woman was ever asked to launch a ship, she'd sink it with the bottle.

Dame Hilda: Calm yourself, dear, and let's get on with the rehearsal. Now, where is the duet we sang at the town hall concert last year?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, in the piano stool, I should think.

Dame Hilda: Ah, right, now, let me see, dear. No. No, it doesn't seem to be here. Oh, look! I say, look what I found! Evadne, look, it's an old Stackton bugle. Oh, I wonder why we kept this?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, probably a rare copy, dear, one with no misprints.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think so, dear. Listen to this, on Thursday, a fire engine was called out to deal with a bonfire outside the grill guide hut. Thieves broke into a local hardware ship and stole a set of silver-plated fishwives. Oh, look there, Evadne, do you remember this? Yes, look, remember, Holiday camp in Stackton Tressel. Mr. Teddy Tranter, the town clock told a bugle reporter, I have mixed feelings about the venture, it will upset a lot of people, but would bring much needed trade to the village from a penalty in the second half who won 3:0. Yes, well, I have a feeling that bit belongs on the back page.

Dr. Hinge: I think so, dear. I remember that particular incident very well, dear, came as quite a bombshell. Do you remember the day when Teddy called here to tell us about it?

Dame Hilda:  Yes, I was cleaning out Milton's cage when Teddy arrived, a Friday morning, if I remember rightly.

{Reflection.}

Dame Hilda: Yes, Milton, that's a good boy, you're enjoying that nice piece of cuttlefish that Matthew sent you, are you? That's right, and now you splash about in your bath, that's it.

Dr. Hinge: I'm surprised you don't get in there with him, dear, and scrub his back.

Dame Hilda: Auntie Evadne is being naughty, isn't she, Milton? Take no notice, she's only jealous because she can't scratch behind her ear with her left leg.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you treat that bird as though it was human.

Dame Hilda: He is human, dear, he understands every word I say, don't you, Milton? That's right, I know you do.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: Oh, I wonder who that is.

Dr. Hinge: Shall I go, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: No, Maud will see to it, dear.

Maud:  Excuse me, Dame 'ilda, but Mr. Tranter's 'ere.

Dame Hilda: Oh, what a surprise, come in, Teddy.

Teddy: Good morning, Hilda, love. Good morning, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Edward.

Maud: Is this going to be a private conversation?

Teddy: Of course it isn't, Maud, love, come and sit with me on the settee.

Maud: Not likely, men, they're all alike, I'm glad I'm a woman.

Dr. Hinge: Well, Edward, now, what's the reason for the visit? Haven't we paid our rates?

Teddy: As a matter of fact, Evadne, no, you haven't. But that's not why I'm here, we had a council meeting last night.

Dame Hilda: Oh, congratulations, anybody hurt?

Teddy: And I have some news which might come as a bit of a surprise. Now, you know me, I don't mince words, get straight to the point, that's what I've always said, haven't I always said that, Hilda, love?

Dame Hilda: Regularly, Teddy.

Teddy: Don't go round corners, no good going to Aberdeen to get to Leeds.

Dame Hilda: Well, not unless you're particularly fond of haggis.

Teddy: Get it done and get it said, so don't try and stop me.

Dame Hilda: We're not stopping you, Teddy.

Teddy: Right, well, now, how can I start?

Dr. Hinge: You had a council meeting last night.

Teddy: Correct, and plans have been submitted by a third party to build a holiday camp in the Stackton area.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see. Now, that sounds interesting.

Teddy: You mean you haven't any violent objections?

Dame Hilda: Well, I can't see what harm a holiday camp can do. I mean, provided it's properly run.

Dr. Hinge:  And also, Hilda, a holiday camp would need entertainment.

Dame Hilda: That thought had also passed through my mind, dear, that could be quite a profitable sideline.

Dr. Hinge:  Indeed.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Teddy, I'm all for it.

Teddy: Yes, right then. Well, maybe I'd better show you the plans, because there might be one or two small snags. Oh, pass me my briefcase, Evadne, love. Oh, thank you.

Dame Hilda: Spread it on top of the piano, Teddy.

Teddy: Ah, that's it, now, here's the actual layout, as you might call it, you know, the plan of campaign, well, do you get it? Campaign, eh? Holiday camp, ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: That's awfully good, Teddy, I don't know how you think them up.

Dame Hilda:  I don't know why he thinks them up.

Teddy: Right, now, here's the main entrance, flanked by the dining hall and the administrative buildings, here are the chalets overlooking the trout stream.

Dame Hilda: Now, what's this building here, Teddy?

Teddy: That's the bingo hall, Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: And this one here?

Teddy: That's the disco.

Dame Hilda: And what's this building next to the disco?

Teddy: That's your house, Hilda.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, good. What?!!

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: Well, how did it go, dear?

Dame Hilda:  Well, the whole village is up in arms.

Dr. Hinge: I can imagine.

Dame Hilda: I've never known an issue upset the local people quite so much.

Dr. Hinge:  Marvellous, so, how many signatures did you get?

Dame Hilda: Three.

Dr. Hinge: Three, is that in addition to yours, mine and Maud's?

Dame Hilda: That is yours, mine and Maud's.

Dr. Hinge:  I thought you said that the village oppose it.

Dame Hilda: They do, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Well, why hasn't anyone signed?

Dame Hilda: They're all terrified that if they stop them building next to our house, that they might end up building next to theirs.

Dr. Hinge: We're back where we started.

Dame Hilda: Oh, bless you, Maud. A cup of tea.

Maud: Well, 'ow did you get on with yer protest, Dame 'ilda?

Dr. Hinge: Disastrous, Maud. I really don't think we shall be able to do a thing, you know.

Maud: We must fight 'em, Dame 'ilda, we can't let these burrocrocrats trample over us! Why doesn't the Doctor chain 'erself to the railin's?

Dr. Hinge: Why don't you...

Dame Hilda: Evadne?..

Dr. Hinge: Well, the woman's stupid.

Dame Hilda:  She's only trying to help, dear. Which is more than can be said for some people, keep suggesting, Maud.

Maud: Should I lie down in the middle of the road?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, please, Maud, preferably the M1.

Dame Hilda:  Evadne! Stop it, Evadne! It's a very kind offer, Maud, but we mustn't risk life and limb.

Maud: Right. Now, well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and write a letter to the Prime Minister.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud.

Maud: Mr. 'eath'll not let us down.

Dr. Hinge: Constable Bolsover.

Dame Hilda:  I beg your pardon, dear.

Dr. Hinge: We ought to have the law on our side, and who better than Constable Bolsover?

Dame Hilda: Yes, you know you're right, Evadne. I mean, he knows all the local by-laws, he may even know a legal loophole.

Dr. Hinge: From what I've heard, he knows more loopholes than by-laws, dear.

Dame Hilda:  I'll phone him straight away. I'll try the police station first, and then the Rose and Crown.

Constable: Stackton Police Station. Can I help you?

Dame Hilda: Ah, Constable. Of course, before you've gone to the Rose an... investigating, yes, it's Dame Hilda here.

Constable: Oh, it's nice to hear from you, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Now, I'd like your advice.

Constable: Well, it depends on what you've been charged with. I mean, is it drunk and disorderly, riding without lights and breaking windows?

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, no, no, it's nothing like that, dear, no.

Constable: Well, that's what I'm usually asked advice about.

Dame Hilda: I assure you it's nothing criminal, but it is very confidential. I say, by the way, your phone isn't tapped, is it?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, really, Hilda.

Constable: You're, uh... you're sure you want me, not James Bond?

Dame Hilda: We want you, Constable, and we'd be very grateful if you could call round and see us.

Constable: Right you are, then, I'll put me helmet on and be straight over.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear, he's on his way Evadne, and he says if he can't help us, we'll have to find a James Bond's address.

Maud: Excuse me, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear.

Maud:  I'm stuck with me letter, 'ow do yer spell militant revolution.

Dame Hilda:  You don't have to bother with your letter now, Maud, dear, Constable Bolsover's popping round.

Maud: Who?

Dame Hilda: Constable Bolsover, you know, Constable Bolsover.

Maud: Oh, yes. I knows him all right. Constable George Bolsover, big bristly moustache.

Dame Hilda: That's right, dear.

Maud: Well, you know what they says about men what 'as big bristly moustaches, don't yer?

Dame Hilda: No, I don't, Maud.

Maud: No, well, yer can find out for yerself.

Dr. Hinge: I must say, I've always found George Bolsover a kind, helpful and understanding man.

Maud:  You obviously don't fascinate 'im like I do. Once 'e came round to my 'ouse when Arthur were out, last year it were.

Dame Hilda: What for, dear?

Maud: 'e said 'e were selling raffle tickets for the police benevolent fund.

Dame Hilda: And wasn't he, Maud?

Maud: Of course 'e wasn't, 'e were after me.

Dame Hilda: And didn't he have any raffle tickets with him?

Maud: Oh, yes, 'e 'ad 'undreds, 'e'd 'ad 'em specially printed, 'adn't 'e? That were 'is cover, I can see 'is moustache now, twitching at the ends, it were, twitching with passion.

Dame Hilda: Well, on the other hand he might have been trying to hold off a sneeze.

Maud: No, they're all alike, is men, there's only my Arthur who's normal.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, Constable Bolsover is calling round to see us, Maud, so prepare yourself for the worst because he'll more than likely be bringing his moustache with him.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda:  So that's the position, George, I mean, you can appreciate our concern.

Constable: Oh, indeed, Hilda, the last thing we want is one of them disco things blaring out all hours at night.

Dr. Hinge: Exactly, disturbing the peace.

Constable: Aye, and what's more important upsetting my pigeons.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, how do we stand and what can we do?

Constable: Well, now, let me take off me helmet. You know my way of working? If I remove me helmet we can speak freely. It's all unofficial, ah, there we are.

Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha! George, I'm sorry to laugh, dear, but you've got a red line right across your forehead.

Constable: Oh, right, well, now, as I see it we have two choices with this holiday camp firm, they'll either come here or they won't.

Dr. Hinge: Brilliant deduction, George.

Constable: So we have to outwit them.

Dame Hilda: Precisely.

Constable: Right. You got any ideas then?

Dame Hilda: Well, no, George, you see, that's why we sent for you.

Constable: Ah, well, you've come to the right man. Now, let us presume that they're going to come.

Dr. Hinge: Right,

Dame Hilda: Right.

Constable: Right. We've got to think of some way to stop them.

Dr. Hinge: Right,

Dame Hilda: Right.

Constable: Right. You got any ideas then?

Dr. Hinge: George, we keep telling you...

Constable: Got it!

Dame Hilda: I knew, I knew he would, you know.

Constable: No, no, that won't work.

Dame Hilda: George, do you think you'd be better with your helmet on?

Constable:  No, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Dame Hilda: Ah, Maud, what is it, dear?

Maud: I'm going 'ome now, Dame 'ilda.

Dr. Hinge: That's very considerate of you, Maud.

Constable: If you hang on for a few minutes, Maud, I'll walk you down to the village.

Maud: Oh, no you won't, look at 'is moustache, Dame 'ilda, it's twitching.

Dame Hilda: Well, never mind, Maud, dear, now, have you cleared everything away in the kitchen?

Maud: Yes.

Dr. Hinge:  No accidents?

Maud: Only one, I broke a cup.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud, you're hopeless.

Maud: No, it doesn't matter, it was the one I cracked yesterday, and was it all right to throw them chicken bones away?

Dr. Hinge: You've done it again, Maud, we wanted those for stock.

Maud: Well, they're in the dustbin now, I'll go and gettem out for yer if yer want.

Dame Hilda:  No, no, Maud, it doesn't matter.

Constable: Hilda, Maud has given me an idea.

Maud: I warned you, didn't I, Dame 'ilda?

Dame Hilda: What is it, George?

Constable: Bones.

Dame Hilda: Did you want them or something, George?

Constable: No, no, no, no, no, can't you see what I'm getting at? Suppose, and we're only supposing, mind, suppose somebody found some bones in the field behind your house where the holiday camp is going to be.

Maud: Dame 'ilda, I'm frightened.

Constable: And suppose, just suppose, mind, these bones were found to be ancient relics, well, the British Museum would slap a preservation order on it, wouldn't they?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think I've got your drift, George, Maud, go and get those chicken bones out of the dustbin.

Constable: No, no, no, no, Hilda, chicken bones is no good, we needs human bones.

Maud: 'e's mad, Dame 'ilda, 'e's mad!

Dame Hilda: But, George, we can't actually bury somebody.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, yes, we can, Hilda, and I know who!

Constable: No, no, no, no, no, listen, suppose, just suppose, mind, that somebody, say a police constable, checks the local museum to see it's locked at night, and suppose...

Dame Hilda: Just suppose, mind...

Constable: That it were open...

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Constable: Just suppose that he accidentally put a key in the lock of that cabinet what has them prehistoric skulls in, and accidentally shoved them down his tunic.

Maud: But that's against the law.

Dame Hilda: Only if he's wearing a helmet, Maud.

Constable: Well, then, they'd have to be accidentally buried. Well, now, suppose I goes down to see Teddy Tranter and takes me helmet off. He's a keen gardener, is Teddy, very good at digging holes.

Dame Hilda: George, I don't know how to thank you.

Constable: Pass me my helmet, will you, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge:  Here you are, George.

Constable: Thank you, well, I'm sorry I can't help you, ladies.

Dame Hilda: That's quite all right, constable, I understand, we shall just have to hope something makes them change their minds.

Constable: Maud?

Maud: What do you want?

Constable: What night of the week does your Arthur go out?

Maud: Never, never. 'e never leaves me side!

Constable: That's a pity. I was hoping we might have another game of snooker one evening.

Dame Hilda: Well, thank you, constable, sorry you can't help us, but you've given us an idea, well, the bare bones of one.

{Later. }