Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, let's set out the notepads and pencils on the tables, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Waste of time, Hilda, nobody ever has an idea worth jotting down, I don't know why we bother with notepads.

Dame Hilda: Well, two very good reasons, dear. First of all, it's proper committee procedure, and also Mr. Teasdale likes to make paper aeroplanes.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I've been dive-bombed a few times myself.

Dame Hilda: Well, it helps him to concentrate, you see, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Why can't he do what the vicar does, and just doodle?

Dame Hilda: Yes, he does like a doodle, doesn't he? He always draws those little chickens, have you noticed? A sort of cock-a-doodle-doo! Anyway, Mr. Teasdale can sit here well out of your line of fire.

Dr. Hinge:  If he turns up, I’d heard that he'd lost his voice.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I persuaded him to come, voice or no voice, we need a quorum, you see. It's very important, a quorum. The vicar's picking him up in his car.

Dr. Hinge:  If the vicar remembers.

Dame Hilda: Yes, that's true, well, of course, Donald does have the occasional lapse.

Dr. Hinge: He's getting worse, you know, dear, you'll see, one Sunday at a christening, he'll say to the father, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, Maud, what is it, dear?

Maud: Shall I serve the tea now?

Dame Hilda: Well, not just now, Maud, it might be better to leave it till later, you know, when there's somebody here to drink it.

Maud: Just as you wish, I'll make it later then, because if I make it now, it'll be cold later, it'll be ‘ot now, but it'll be cold later.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, mastermind!

Maud: I'll wash the cups instead, they're a bit dusty, I wasn't going to bother, only now I've got time I might as well.

Dame Hilda: All right, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  I don't know why Maud had to come down here tonight.

Dame Hilda: Well, she likes to help, dear, it's a pity there aren't more like her, she's one on her own, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: I won't argue with that, if there were two I'd emigrate.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, you're being very unkind, she is a good worker and very patriotic, did you know that just for the jubilee, she's embroidered a Union Jack on her cardigan?

Dr. Hinge: Good, well, let's hope someone runs her up a flagpole.

Dame Hilda: Let's forget about Maud and collect our thoughts for the meeting. Donald is bound to suggest that young Douglas works the spotlight at the evening concert.

Dr. Hinge: Douglas is a monster, a dreadful boy.

Dame Hilda: Yes, did you hear what he did when he was working the lights for the Boy Scout pantomime?

Dr. Hinge: No, I didn't, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, I daren’t tell you.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, come on, you must now, you must.

Dame Hilda: Well, apparently, on that Friday night, he totally ignored Mr Roberts, who was playing Cinderella.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, and most convincingly.

Dame Hilda: Yes, he was very good, of course, but then, of course, he's light on his feet, especially in the transformation. Well, he totally ignored him, and he kept the spotlight on a courting couple on the back row.

Dr. Hinge: Poor Mr Roberts. Who were the couple, dear?

Dame Hilda: One was Mrs Roberts, I don't know who the gentleman was, but by all accounts, Mrs Roberts did, very well. Ah, I think I hear footsteps. Ah, Donald, glad you could make it.

Donald:  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You haven't been waiting long, have you?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, dear, good heavens, what's half an hour?

Dr. Hinge: Did you remember to pick up Mr Teasdale, Donald?

Donald: What? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, indeed, where is he?...in here, Mr Teasdale, he's, uh, he's, uh, lost his, um...

Dame Hilda: A sense of direction, by the sound of it.

Donald: No, no, no, no, no, he's lost his voice, poor man.

Dame Hilda: Ah, hello, come in, Hubert. How are you, dear?

Hubert: {Croak.}

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, it is cold, isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: What did he say, dear?

Dame Hilda: I've no idea.

Donald: Well, uh, shall we, um, shall we, um, um, um... start?

Dr. Hinge: That is why we're here.

Donald: Yes, good, yes, right. Yes, of course we are, yes, right. We'll start then. Um, uh, over to you, uh, Madam Secretary.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Donald. Now, first of all... no, no, would you mind sitting over there, Hubert? in the corner. Right, now, first of all, Mr Chairman, I have a few apologies, Mrs Smollett, wife of our dear chairman apologises for her absence, apparently, she has a touch of food poisoning, I trust she'll soon be better, Donald.

Donald: Yes, yes, um, um, the old crab.

Dame Hilda: Pardon?

Donald: The, um, the, the, the, the, the, the, the crab, the tin of crab, ate it, uh, for, um... for lunch, or was it lunch? Yes, lunch, that's right, anyway, we ate it, yes, we ate it, yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, convey our sympathy, Donald, won't you? Now, Mrs Percival apologises for her absence, she's giving a talk to the Women's Institute.

Dr. Hinge: That should last for three days.

Dame Hilda: And Mr Percival has a headache.

Dr Hinge: Yes, Mrs Percival.

Dame Hilda: Their daughter, Marigold, recently back from her honeymoon, as you know, apologises for her absence, her husband is in hospital and she's waiting for the gas man to call. Anyhow, that only leaves Miss Primley, who apologises for her absence, she is visiting her pen friend in Sweden, lucky gal, all those uh... Vikings.

Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilda

Dr. Hinge:  And Maud apologises for being here.

Maud: There's only two cups with ‘andles on.

Dame Hilda: But there should be at least six, Maud, for the coronation set.

Maud: I know, but I've washed up since then. And I can't seem to get the ‘ang o’ this new boiler.

Dame Hilda: Maud, the instructions are on a piece of paper just in the top drawer.

Maud: Oh, I used that to light it with.

Dame Hilda: Well, do what you can, Maud, we must get on.

Donald: Yes, yes, well, good, good, good, good. Yes, well, shall we, uh, move on to the first item? Or what do you think? I always think it's best to start with the first item.

Dr. Hinge: A good idea, Donald.

Donald: Yes, good, right, yes, now. Well, the first item is apologies.

Dame Hilda: I've just done those now, Donald.

Donald: Yes, yes, of course you have. I apologise. Yes, well, we'd better have the minutes of the last meeting.

Dr. Hinge: Can't we take them as read, Mr. chairman? We are pressed for time.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear, no, good gracious me, no. We must observe the proper committee procedure. Minutes of the meeting of the jubilee committee held in the church hall on Wednesday the 24th. Mr. Smollett in the chair. Apologies were received from Mrs. Smollett, Mrs. Percival, Mr. Percival, their daughter, Marigold, and Miss Primley. After the apologies, Mr. Smollett opened the meeting, but was interrupted by a loud explosion. It was proposed by Dr. Hinge, and seconded by Dame Hilda Bracket, that the meeting be closed due to Maud blowing up the old gas boiler. This was carried unanimously, as indeed was Maud out of the kitchen.

Donald: Good, good, good, good, now, is there anything arising out of those minutes?

Dr. Hinge: Only Maud.

Dame Hilda: Very good, dear, yes, I like that, I wish I'd thought of that.

Donald: Yes, yes, good, good, good. Well, uh, we'll, uh, shall we, uh, shall we, uh, uh, move on?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, right, well, let us discuss first the afternoon activities on the cricket field.

Dame Hilda: Good. Now, I do know for a fact that plans for the children's tea party are well in hand.

Donald: Excellent, excellent.

Dame Hilda: Mrs. Connors is kindly providing the sticky buns, providing her daughter is crowned jubilee queen.

Dr. Hinge:  Preferably with a sticky bun.

Donald: Now, uh, now, uh, what news have we on the, um, the firework display?

Dr. Hinge: Ah, yes, now, I've had a word with Mr. Fozzard, and the firework display is definitely on, provided he can get some fireworks.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, of course, midsummer is not really the best time to buy them, is it?

Donald:  Well, I'll, uh... I'll put a question mark next to fireworks. Yes, all right, there we are then, fireworks, question mark. Yes, now, now, um, what news is there on roasting the ox, Mr. Teasdale?

Hubert: Croak!

Dame Hilda: Oh, I'm sorry about that, Hubert, yes, very sorry to hear that.

Donald: So, we'll have to manage without the ox roasting. Oh, dear, oh, great shame. I suppose you have spoken to the, uh, the, uh, the ox man, Mr. Teasdale?

Hubert: Croak!

Donald: Yes, yes, I thought you would have, yes. It's just a very great pity, I was rather looking forward to, uh... to that, you know, turning the spit and so on. Still, if there's no ox, there won't be anything to, um, um, um... roast. Um... I don't suppose we could roast anything else.

Maud: Excuse me again.

Dr. Hinge: I've just thought of an alternative, Mr. Chairman.

Dame Hilda: What is it?

Dr. Hinge: Maud.

Maud: Well, will you be long? Only the first aid class ‘ave booked the ‘all for five o'clock.

Dame Hilda: Well, we're going as fast as we can, Maud.

Maud: They're doing the kiss o’ life this week.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good.

Maud: I'm not volunteering, though.

Dr. Hinge: I'm sure that will be appreciated, Maud.

Maud: And I don't think there'll be any tea this afternoon either.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, dear, is the, uh, new boiler proving temperamental?

Maud: No, I broke the teapot.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, uh... while you're here, Maud, regarding the afternoon activities, can we count on you to run your usual clairvoyant tent? I think we still have the placard from the pageant, a peep into the future with Gipsy Maud.

Maud: Oh, I'm willing, Dame ‘ilda, but I don't know what I'm doing one day to the next.

Dr. Hinge: Gipsy Maud doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

Donald:  Good, good, right. Well, then, looking at the afternoon programme, everything seems to be, um, um... well in hand, yes. We've no fireworks, no ox roasting, the children's tea party, and Gipsy Maud. Yes, good, so, um, bearing this in mind, um, um, what time do you think we should be starting the evening concert.

Dame Hilda: About half past two.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Come into the kitchen, Maud. Doctor's upstairs getting ready.

Maud: Thank you, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: My word, dear, I do like your gipsy costume.

Maud: It's only an old tablecloth.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I suppose they do have gipsies in the desert, and what a lovely earring.

Maud: Yes, it's a bit ‘eavy, though.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you do seem to have a bit of a starboard list.

Maud: Do you like me new ‘airstyle, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, very nice, yes, it's sort of, uh... very nice.

Maud: I was under the dryer for two ‘ours, I thought she'd forgotten me, I told ‘er I wanted something Spanish.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, it's Olé. Ah, Maud’s here, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Maud. I thought you were going to the hairdressers.

Maud: I've been.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, was she closed?

Dame Hilda:  Don't be wicked, Evadne. Now Maud. you won't mind if we don't come and have our fortunes told, will you, dear?

Maud: Oh, of course not. It'll be the same as I give you last time, anyway. It's the same as I give everybody.

Dame Hilda: Right, so we won't see you until tonight's concert.

Maud: Oh, and it's going to be very good, Dame ‘ilda. I saw Mr. Flathers rehearsing his paper tearing yesterday. Oh, ‘e is good, ‘e got this piece of newspaper, and ‘e... just pass me the Stackton Bugle... and folded it across ‘ere like this, and then ‘e tore it in ‘alf. Oh, no, ‘ang on, no, just pass me that other paper, now ‘e folded it in ‘alf, then he folded it again across the middle like this.
Then ‘e tore a bit out of it ‘ere, and ‘e tore a bit out of it ‘ere. Then ‘e folded it inside out, and ‘e tears it down the middle. Then ‘e shoves this ‘alf underneath this other ‘alf, and ‘e tears a bit out of it ‘ere. Oh, no, no, ‘ang on. It was out of ‘ere, that's it. Then ‘e...now, what did he do next? Oh, yes. ‘e pulls this bit back. Oh, look, the sound of music's on in Stackton Parva.

Dr. Hinge:  Never mind, do get on, Maud.

Maud: Yes, well, ‘e tears this bit off ‘ere, and a bit more off ‘ere, folds it over, and opens it out, and says...

Dr. Hinge: Confetti.

Maud: No, ‘e didn't, ‘e says, ‘ey, presto, and it's a tree with ‘anging branches.

Dr. Hinge: Well, yours seems to have had a severe pruning, Maud.

Maud: Yes, well, ‘e probably uses special paper.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, now, if we're all ready, we'll drop you off at your little tent, Maud. Now, Evadne, and I are going straight to the town hall to rehearse everybody for tonight. Now, you'll be coming back stage to help, will you, Maud?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, you can dry the dishes on your tablecloth.

Maud: I'll be there, Dame Hilda.

{Concert,]

Dame Hilda: Thank you, thank you, yes, yes, thank you. And welcome back to the second half of the Jubilee Concert. And I hope you enjoyed the refreshments, and a special thanks to dear, Maud for serving the ice cream.

Dr. Hinge:  I had to drink mine.

Donald: Yes, and so to open this bazaar, no, no, no, the second half, I call on our dear friends, Dame Hilda and the Doctor.

Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely, thank you, Donald. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, the song we've chosen to start off with is a lovely piece written by dear Noel, Noel Coward, that is. We didn't know him intimately, like a lot of other people. This song comes from one of his best-loved and early musicals, Bittersweet, and it is the lovely Gipsy song, Zigeuner, from Act Three.

Once upon a time

Many years ago

Lived a fair princess

Hating to confess

Loneliness was torturing her so

Then a gipsy came

Called to her by name

Wooed her with a song

Sensuous and strong,

All the summer long

Her passion seemed to linger like a living flame

Play to me beneath the summer moon

Zigeuner, Zigeuner, Zigeuner

All I ask of life is just to listen

To the songs that you sing

My spirit like a bird on the wing

Your melody's adoring, soaring

Come to me with some barbaric tune

Zigeuner, Zigeuner, Zigeuner

Now you have me in your power

Play to me for just an hour

Zigeuner

Dame Hilda: Thank you very much, everybody. Now, if you will bear with me just for a moment, I'm going to confer with my colleague about the next item.

Dr. Hinge: But we've rehearsed the next item, dear.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, this is a last-minute surprise, dear. Sexton Tweddle has insisted on playing a piece on his trombone. Where are you going Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: I'm not sitting here in a draught, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but you've got to accompany him.

Dr. Hinge: I was afraid of that, ell, I'm not going to suffer on my own, dear, you can turn my music over.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I was afraid of that. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, a nice surprise. We have persuaded Sexton Tweddle, that is Maud's brother-in-law, that is almost one of the family, if he will entertain you as only he can. Now, last year, as some of you will remember, he very gallantly attempted Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture. This year, well done, Sexton, he is hoping to follow that with tiptoe through the tulips. So, ladies and gentlemen, Sexton Tweddle.

Maud: Come on, Ernie, good of yer, you show ‘em love.

{Tiptoe through the tulips plays badly.}

Dame Hilda: That's it. Evadne do you think you could get into his key?

Dr. Hinge: I’m trying too!

Dr. Hinge: I think he was in the wrong key dear.

Dame Hilda: I think he was in the wrong building! Thank you, Sexton Tweddle, for a performance that will live in everybody’s memory. Well as many of you will have expected our own headmistress, Miss Primley, from Stackton Girls High. She has produced yet another of her poetical works of art. This time to celebrate this wonderful jubilee of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. So, with Dr. Hinge at the piano, I would like to give you, and it gives me very great pleasure to do so.

A wet Sunday on a bicycle.

The village church groans heavily

Its clock shows three and strikes for two

A wayward clock, thy works are made of tea cakes

And a Rhode Island red smiles to herself

The butcher's dog Erasmus sprawls yawning in the sun

His fat cheeks forcibly, a squad of fleas move in

And the chemist's cat chuckles softly

Excursion coaches slowly halt outside the gun and ferrets

And spill out frantic chitters, those who drink and those who drank too much

And a nearby squirrel grins for no known reason

The river gently flows round Mr. Fleet, who stands in high rise boots

And casts an unskilled line around a holly bush

The fish chortle and shout aloud, can't catch me

And everyone agrees, it's been a funny day

Dame Hilda: Now that we are coming to the end of our grand jubilee concert, I'm sure that all of you here this evening on this splendid occasion in these lovely hallowed walls of Stackton Town Hall, would like to join us in a rousing chorus and a very patriotic song. Now, this song is normally sung at the last night of the proms, which, as we all know, takes place in the Royal Albert Hall, which is not dissimilar to this. There you see the atmosphere on the last night, is electric. Oh, when we were gals, it would have been gas. Now, I tell you what we thought we would do, with Dr. Hinge on the pianoforte, and we've asked Sexton if he would like to join in this, but he said no. So, without the flourish of the Greek trumpeters by Sexton, we will start off with the Doctor on the piano, myself, sort of getting you into it, and then you all join in, sing as loudly as you can, and really make it a night to remember, and, well, be glad that it's the evening it is. All right? Thank you, dear.

Land of hope and glory

Mother of the free

How shall we extol thee

Who are born of thee

Wider still and wider

Shall thy bounds be set

God who made thee mighty

Make thee mightier yet

God who made thee mighty

Make thee mightier yet