The Jubilee.
In a village just outside Huddersfield there is a plaque on the wall of the community centre bearing the words, officially opened by Dr Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket. That ceremony took place 25 years ago and tomorrow on the occasion of the centre's own silver jubilee celebrations Dame Hilda and the Doctor have been invited back as guests of honour. but all that’s tomorrow, Dame Hilda: Evadne!... Evadne!... EVADNE!! Dr. Hinge: Is that you calling Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Who dear? Dame Hilda: Never mind. How long are you going to be in the attic? Dr. Hinge: I'm coming down now. And Hilda…. Dr. Hinge: Make me a beaker of cocoa. Dame Hilda: I hope it does go cold. Serves her right, I say it'll serve her right Milton, who's a pretty boy then? you love your little mummy don't you Milton? come on then give mummy a kiss, that's it. Dame Hilda: It's not locked dear. Dr. Hinge: I've got my hands full. Thank you dear, help me with this box will you? Dame Hilda: What on earth have you brought down, dear? Dame Hilda: Yes well I lost the recipe you see, dear. Dr. Hinge: And there don't seem to be any petit beurre biscuits left either. Dr. Hinge: Oh! Dr. Hinge: Hilda you know I like my petit beurre biscuit to go to bed with? Dame Hilda: Yes, well so does Milton, dear. Enjoyed it immensely didn't you Milton? Dr. Hinge: Well, I wonder if he likes cold cocoa? Dame Hilda: There's plenty of those biscuits with a blob of jam in the middle. Dame Hilda: Well, no and neither does Milton, he ends up with jam all over his feathers and his beak stuck together, you know all jammed and feathered. Anyway what's in that dusty old box? Dr. Hinge: Well, while you've been down here force-feeding Milton with my petit beurre biscuit I've been looking for my winter boots. Dr. Hinge: Yes well, we are going up north for the weekend. Dame Hilda: Yes, wonder how we came to have that, are there any more treasures in there, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh look there's some photographs as well. Ooh look at this, it's that one I took of you on the beach at Bournemouth. Dr. Hinge: Oh let me see. Dame Hilda: You know I think this is the best picture I've ever taken. Dame Hilda: Yes I know, dear, must have had me thumb over the lens. but it's very good of the ice cream cart. Ooh, look at this one, oh, don't I look a sight in this awful bathing costume. Dame Hilda: Ooh, I say look it's the vocal score from Florodora, well fancy that, would you believe it? look a red rose pressed between the pages, you know this rose was from the bouquet presented to me after the final performance. Dame Hilda: You didn't get a bouquet did you dear? Dr. Hinge: I can't remember. Dr. Hinge: Wasn't it too low for you dear? Dame Hilda: Of course it wasn't too low for me! Well, we can soon find out, come along, dear, let's have a go. Dr. Hinge: Very well, dear.
Fold your wings of love around me Fold them close till they have bound me I’m your slave and your defender I surrender Fold your wings forever sharing Peace and joy beyond comparing Life’s true delight has just begun Now our two hearts are one My feet that used to stumble along in fear from day to day Have found at last the road of my dreams Have found the straight highway Loves shining highway Fold them close till they have bound me I’m your slave and your defender I surrender Fold your wings forever sharing Peace and joy beyond comparing Life’s true delight has just begun
Dame Hilda: You know, dear, I think we should take that piece with us tomorrow. Dr. Hinge: Take it where Hilda? Dame Hilda: To Huddersfield to sing at the community centre's anniversary. Dame Hilda: Of course we are. Dr. Hinge: No there was no mention of us singing in Mr. Fuster's letter. Dr. Hinge: Because we performed the official opening there 25 years ago. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, Mr. Fuster has not mentioned the verb to sing in any correspondence about our visit. Dame Hilda: You're being deliberately tenacious. Mr. Fuster is obviously the sort of man who will insist on it. Dr. Hinge: But we've never met Mr. Fuster. Dame Hilda: I can tell by his handwriting he's a very, a very delicate, sensitive, musical person and the reason he hasn't asked us to sing in his letter is because he feels we might be insulted. Dame Hilda: Yes. Dr. Hinge: You do? Dr. Hinge: You told me he was unscrupulous, untrustworthy and had criminal tendencies. Dame Hilda: Correct. {On the day.} Dr. Hinge: Are you sure you can manage these two cases Hilda? Dame Hilda: Yes, of course I can, dear, are you sure you can manage those three? Dr. Hinge: We must look ludicrous dear, anyone would think we were going on a three month safari. Dr. Hinge: Well, fancy bringing eight evening dresses? Dame Hilda: We must have a choice, dear, we don't want to clash with the curtains like we did in Scunthorpe. Can you see Mr. Fuster anywhere dear? Dr. Hinge: Well, that's a silly question. I don't even know what he looks like. Dame Hilda: Well, can you see anybody who looks as though they're looking for somebody who's looking for someone they've never seen before? Dr. Hinge: No, and I'm not even going to try. Dame Hilda: Well, no not quite but I presume you are Mr. Fuster. Dr. Hinge: Actually I'm a Doctor of music. Mr. Fuster: Oh, Doctor of music, you don't have a first aid kit then, you have a drum kit, do you get it? drum kit, once I get going there's no stopping me. Dr. Hinge: We were, we were saying in the train Mr. Fuster that when we were here 25 years ago we had a splendid meal at what was it Hilda? err... Ye Olde Tudor Tea Rooms. Dame Hilda: I beg your pardon. Mr. Fuster: Well, they don't do toasted muffins now. it's fu yung and things you know, Chinese. Dr. Hinge: Chinese, but what's happened to Mrs. Appleby? Mr. Fuster: She's been taken over by a takeaway, do you get it? Dame Hilda: You know Evadne, why don't we try this Chinese place? after all we're in foreign parts and we really ought to support the common market. Dr. Hinge: Ooh, oh dear, oh!! Dame Hilda: What is it dear? Dr. Hinge: Heartburn dear, you know I'm susceptible to heartburn. Dr. Hinge: It's most uncomfortable Hilda. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, it must be. And those coat hangers if you would, dear. Dr. Hinge: Of course you've never suffered from heartburn have you? Dame Hilda: Not that I've noticed, now where did I put my bed jacket? Dr. Hinge: I should never have eaten all that number 43. Dame Hilda: And all that number 26 either, too spicy you see, whatever it was, looked like knotted string. Where did I put that music? Dr. Hinge: I shall have to rest for an hour or two. Dame Hilda: Yes, it was probably the number 26, you should have had 34 like I did, I really enjoyed those sardines on toast. Dr. Hinge: Yes, you always were adventurous weren't you? sardines indeed, hardly a native dish. Dame Hilda: Well, they did come from Portugal dear. Dr. Hinge: I'm sorry I'll have to leave you to do the unpacking. In fact I'm afraid I won't be fit enough to attend the celebrations this evening. Dame Hilda: But you must dear. everyone's expecting you to play the piano. Dame Hilda: But not in the fingers, dear, you haven't got finger burn. Ha, ha, ha! Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you have an unhealthy obsession with the desire to perform at this function, can't you get it into your head that they don't want us to? Dr. Hinge: No, but they haven't said they do. {Door knocks!} Dame Hilda: Come in! Dame Hilda: Oh thank you Mr. Fuster. Mr. Fuster: Don’t thank me, thank the wife. I'm just the waiter, what a way to carry on. that's a good un innit, did you get it? Dr. Hinge: Oh, oh, petit beurre biscuits, my favourites. Dame Hilda: Yes, what a pity you can't have any dear. Dr. Hinge: What do you mean Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Oh yes. Well, it's it's feeling a bit easier would you believe. Mr. Fuster: My old granny used to get heartburn a lot. it's a thing with older people. Mr. Fuster: She used to soak burnt toast in water and drink it. Dr. Hinge: Ugh! I think I prefer the heartburn. Dame Hilda: Oh, we love surprises Mr. Fuster. carry on. Dame Hilda: Well, yes I thought it would be. Mr. Fuster: You see at the committee meeting everybody thought it would be marvellous if you could entertain us like you apparently did 25 years ago. However we decided against it and we've asked my nephew's rock group to do it. Dr. Hinge: You've asked a rock group?
Mr. Fuster: Yes, I knew you'd be pleased. After all we didn't want to impose on you in your retirement. Dame Hilda: But Mr. Fuster. Mr. Fuster: Yes, I know, yes, yes, it was the least we could do, you must get fed up of being asked to sing everywhere you go and we don't want you going home tomorrow wishing you'd never come. Dr. Hinge: And uh... is this rock group good, Mr. Fuster? Mr. Fuster: It must be good, they're the loudest I've ever heard. They won the West Riding rock marathon last summer, 47 hours 26 minutes of non-stop rock. I call it the rock of ages, do you get it? I'll leave you to your tea, we want to be off in about half an hour. Dr. Hinge: I’m absolutely furious, rock group indeed. The man has no taste Hilda, fancy preferring a set of amateurs to us. Dame Hilda: But you didn't want to play in the first place did you? Dame Hilda: I must admit I'm rather hurt. Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm seething. Dame Hilda: I'm over here, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Oh, there you are Hilda, did you get me a sherry? Dr. Hinge: Well, where is it? Dame Hilda: I drank it. Dame Hilda: I did dear and I drank that as well. Dame Hilda: Well it was for your own good Evadne. I didn't want to bring on your heartburn again. Dame Hilda: Sorry dear. Oh hello! yes lovely, yes, oh, I like the colour, yes! Dame Hilda: I’ve no idea, whoever she is her dress looks ridiculous. Dame Hilda: Oh, silly me. Dame Hilda: Who is that in Evadne? Dr. Hinge: The president, dear, oh, we had a little chat earlier on, you know, and we have a mutual interest in Borges. Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely. Dr. Hinge: The trouble is he thinks he's a detective or something on television. Dr. Hinge: Very well indeed, the Mayoress was doing splendidly till she fell over. Dr. Hinge: It must have been like grappling with a Zeppelin I should think. Dr. Hinge: Oh, she brought her own dear. Dame Hilda: It was amazing that she could be so speechless and talk for so long. Dame Hilda: Oh dear, Evadne, they appear to have blown up. Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's probably part of the act. Dr. Hinge: Don't look now Hilda, but Mr. Fuster is heading this way. Dr. Hinge: Yes and as you yourself so kindly said we are retired. Dr. Hinge: And then we can catch the early train. Dame Hilda: Now look we won't let you down, I think we might be able to remember a couple of our songs. Dr. Hinge: If I could just get through! Thank you! Dame Hilda: Thank you very much, excuse me! Well, thank you. thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. that's very nice. it's most unexpected and I’m afraid we're quite unprepared. Now we never imagined in our wildest dreams that we would be singing on this stage just 25 years after the inaugural ceremony. Dr. Hinge: It's was a quick return booking wasn't it dear?
Rapture, rapture When love’s votary Flushed with capture Seeks the notary Joy and jollity Then is polity Reigns frivolity Joy and jollity Then is polity Reigns frivolity Rapture, rapture Doleful, doleful When humanity With it’s soul full Of satanity Courting privity Down declivity Seeks captivity Doleful, doleful Courting privity Down declivity Seeks captivity Doleful, doleful Joyful, joyful When virginity Seeks all coyful Man’s affinity Fate all flowery Bright and bowery Is her dowery Joyful, joyful Ghastly, ghastly When man sorrowful Firstly, lastly Of tomorrow full After tarrying Yields to harrying Goes a marrying Ghastly, ghastly Joyful, joyful Ghastly, ghastly Joyful, joyful Ghastly, ghastly Joyful, joyful Ghastly, ghastly Joyful, joyful Ghastly, ghastly Rapture, rapture When love’s votary Flushed with capture Seeks the notary Joy and jollity Then is polity Reigns frivolity Joy and jollity Then is polity Reigns frivolity Rapture, rapture Rapture, rapture Doleful, doleful Doleful, doleful Courting privity Down declivity Seeks captivity Doleful, doleful Rapture, rapture Rapture, rapture Rapture, rapture Rapture, rapture
Dame Hilda: Thank you, very much indeed. Now we do realise of course that some of the younger people here this evening must be terribly disappointed at what happened to Mr. Bert Ellingworth and his wonderful experience. Well, now for all you lucky boys and girls we would like to do a modern number, something straight out of the charts or tin pot olly as I believe it's called, so if our pop fans are ready to receive we would like to sing for you that lovely song made famous by Dame Vera Lynn.
Fades. Dame Hilda: Well the last two and a half hours have really flown by haven’t they? Well, so we come to say good night and to close our little spot with a very lovely song that is very patriotic and we thought it would be rather nice that as there are so many of you people here this evening who I know would like to join us and of course not forgetting the members of the Huddersfield choral society, a voice to every man, perhaps if I give you the beat you'll join us in this number.
Keep the home fires burning While your hearts are yearning Though the boys are far away They dream of home There’s a silver lining Through the dark clouds shining Turn the dark cloud inside out Till the boys come home Keep the home fires burning While your hearts are yearning Though the boys are far away They dream of home There’s a silver lining Through the dark clouds shining Turn the dark cloud inside out Till the boys come home
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
