The Ring Road.
Once in the dear dead days beyond recall When on the world the mist began to fall Out of the dreams that rose in happy throng Lo to our hearts love sang an old sweet song Then in the dusk where fell firelight gleam Softly it wove itself into our dream Just a song at twilight When the lights are low And the flickering shadows Softly come and go Though the heart be weary Sad the day and long Still to us at twilight Comes love's old song Comes love's old sweet song
Dame Hilda: Very nice dear, very nice indeed, lovely song. Dr. Hinge: Oh look Hilda, it's still pouring down outside, and I did want to spend some time in the garden today. Dame Hilda: Well there's nothing stopping you dear, you know where the umbrella is? Dr. Hinge: I wanted to put that weed killer on the lawn. Dame Hilda: I'm afraid you're a day too late dear, it says on the bottle Apply 24 hours before heavy rain. Dr. Hinge: Stupid instructions, and how am I supposed to know when it's going to rain? Dame Hilda: Well you did mention yesterday morning that your corns were giving you a bit of gyp. Dr. Hinge: That was because you trod on my foot. Dame Hilda: Did I dear? Dame Hilda: Well I thought I'd missed it the first time, ha, ha, ha! sorry dear, just a joke, a corny one. Dr. Hinge: Well, if gardening is out of the question, I think I'll just read my library book. Dame Hilda: Good idea, what book have you got this week? Dr. Hinge: It's a sci-fi. Dame Hilda: Oh, it's about gramophones is it? Dr. Hinge: Sci-fi Hilda, short for science fiction. Dame Hilda: Oh yes, well yes, yes, of course, I mean I knew that, what's it called then, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, I didn't know someone had written a book about your mother? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, really, mind you, you could be right. Dame Hilda: Is this any good? Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's terribly exciting dear, I'm on the last couple of chapters and it's gripping, most exciting, now where is it? I think I left it on the sideboard. Dame Hilda: Was it a red one dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, I took it back with mine yesterday. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, why did you do that? Dame Hilda: Well, mine was so boring. Dr. Hinge: Mine wasn't. Dame Hilda: Never mind dear, it was probably the butler who did it. Now, seeing that you've mislaid your library book, can I suggest we have a game of Scrabble? Dr. Hinge: No thank you, dear. Dame Hilda: Why? Dame Hilda: Oh Evadne, how can you say such a thing? Dr. Hinge: Easily, it's true. Dame Hilda: Just because I use words you've never heard of doesn't mean I cheat. Dr. Hinge: The last time we played you put down monkey, M-U-N-K-Y! Dame Hilda: Well I'm sure I saw it on Call My Bluff, now, come along and we'll play Scrabble. Dr. Hinge: Alright, but on one condition, we stick strictly to the rules, the word must be in the dictionary. Dame Hilda: Very well, now come on, pick out seven letters and put them on your little rack. Dr. Hinge: Righto. Dame Hilda: Oooh! My goodness, I've got a very good word here. Dr. Hinge: What is it Hilda? Dame Hilda: Oh I can't tell you dear, it's naughty. Dr. Hinge: Oh come on Hilda, what is it? Dr. Hinge: You're so exasperating Hilda Bracket Dame Hilda: Yes, well I think you'd better start dear, I daren’t put this one down Dr. Hinge: Very well then, idiot. Dame Hilda: Evadne, that's not very nice. Dr. Hinge: I-D-I-O-T, idiot, that's my word, now I've scored, let me see, 14 points, beat that! Dame Hilda: Yes, well if I use your T and I put O-P-A-Z, topaz, that's 17 points, and a double word, that's 34 to me. your turn, I'm winning aren't I, you give in yet? you see, I'm very good at this game, aren't I? I've got an aptitude for it, it's my vocabulary, you know, that helps. Dr. Hinge: Hilda will you stop chattering please and let me concentrate. Dame Hilda: Oh sorry dear, your turn, take your time. Dr. Hinge: I can't go now. Dame Hilda: Well my chattering didn't make any difference then, did it? let me have a look at what you've got. Dr. Hinge: You're not supposed to, dear. Dame Hilda: Nonsense, if you can't help a friend in need, who can you help? Now let me see, yes look, if you put B-L-E after the A in topaz, you've got able, that's 6 points to you. Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank you Hilda. Dame Hilda: Don't mention it dear, now, if I put my letter C in front of your able, I've got cable, which is 9 points, and it's a double word score so that's 18, ha, ha, ha! so I'm even further ahead, you're not very good, are you? Dr. Hinge: Oh good, visitors, now we can put this silly game away. Dame Hilda: You always want to do that when you're losing don't you? Leave it set out and we'll finish it later. Coming! {Door opens.} Dame Hilda: Oh Teddy it's you, and I must say you're very very wet Teddy. Teddy: It's the rain, Hilda, love. Dame Hilda: I thought it might be, I notice these things you know, now come in, dear. Teddy: I'll just wipe my feet on the mat, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Oh there's no need to dear, just wipe your shoes. Teddy: Oh Hilda love, you're always ready with your repartee. Dame Hilda: Yes, I like to indulge in a little spot of banter, Mr Tranter, ha, ha, ha! this way dear. It's Teddy dear. Teddy: Oh, hello, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: My word, you're soaking wet. Dame Hilda: Yes, he says it's the rain Evadne, and he should know, he is the town clerk. Teddy: Most of it's on my raincoat. Dame Hilda: Most of it's on the carpet. Teddy: I'm not interrupting anything am I? Dame Hilda: That's a matter of opinion, dear, you see Teddy, we're having a game of Scrabble. Teddy: Oh I like Scrabble, who's winning? I expect it's you Evadne. Dame Hilda: What makes you think that? Teddy: Well, you know, her being so, how can I put it? Teddy: Yes, yes that's right, and so well read. Dame Hilda: Well she is when I don't take her library book back. Teddy: Not that I'm casting any aspersions on you, Hilda, love, I mean, you're, you're, how can I put it? Dr. Hinge: Crafty? Dame Hilda: Thank you Teddy Tranter, it's a pity you have to go out in the rain again so soon. Teddy: Oh dear, have I put my foot in it? Dame Hilda: No more than usual, dear. Teddy: Are these your letters here Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Yes, it's my turn, I was just thinking it over. Teddy: Oh well, I mean look at this lot Evadne, you can put all seven letters down here. Dr. Hinge: Really? Dame Hilda: Yes. Dr. Hinge: Oh yes, now let me see, now that's one, eleven, twelve, thirteen, a double letter makes fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, nineteen, and I'm on two triple word scores, so that's nine times nineteen is one hundred and seventy one, plus fifty for putting all the seven letters down at once, making two hundred and twenty one altogether. Dame Hilda: Teddy? Teddy: Yes, Hilda, love? Teddy: I wasn't thinking of going just yet. Dame Hilda: Pity Dr. Hinge: I think I'm winning now, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Well I'll make a pot of tea. Oh dear, oh I am a clumsy girl, I've knocked the Scrabble board over, oh what a shame, because I think you'd let me in there Evadne, a possible two hundred and fifty points for me, but we'll never know now, will we? Dr. Hinge: No we won't. Dame Hilda: So we'll call it a draw. Dr. Hinge: Very generous. Dame Hilda: Now Teddy, are you stopping for a cup of tea? Dame Hilda: Oh has Peggy left you then? Teddy: Why should my wife leave me? Dame Hilda: Oh I just thought she might have been playing patience, and she lost hers when you insisted on telling her which cards to play. Teddy: I'd never dream of doing such a thing! Dame Hilda: Really? Dr. Hinge: Now well Teddy, what is this important news? Dame Hilda: Yes. Teddy: I mean, seeing as I'm town clerk I get to know these things. Dame Hilda: Yes, Teddy: And you know me, I don't mince words, Dame Hilda: Yes, no, no. Teddy: I mean there's no need to go to Leeds via Glasgow is there? Dame Hilda: Not unless you're desperate for a haggis. Teddy: I mean you know me, get it done, get it said, that's always been my motto. Dame Hilda: Well up to now it has. Teddy: What it all boils down to is we've got a bit of a problem. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, I would agree with you there. Teddy: Well when I say we I don't mean us, well, I do mean us, because it affects all of us. Dame Hilda: Yes, Mrs Ruddleston's lilac tree has flowered this year, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: And she has a lovely display of roses. Dame Hilda: Yes I know. Teddy: Hilda, what are you talking about Mrs Ruddleston's garden for when I'm telling you something important? Dame Hilda: Oh, I was just passing the time until you got to the point, dear. Dr. Hinge: By which time the lilac and the roses will have faded. Teddy: It's the council you understand, they've got a very awkward problem. Dame Hilda: I know, Teddy Tranter, town clerk. Teddy: It's to do with the roundabout. Dame Hilda: The one you've been going round for the last ten minutes. Teddy: No no, the one they're going to build right outside your front garden. Dame Hilda: Oh good, what? Teddy: It's the new ring road, they've got to put the roundabout somewhere, Hilda, love. Dr. Hinge: Then why can't they put it outside your garden Teddy? Dame Hilda: Well we're objecting. Teddy: Oh, I'm afraid you can't, it's too late. Dr. Hinge: Shouldn't we have been informed? Teddy: Well at the behest of the council I did draft out a letter for you, and to save the postage, I thought I'd deliver it myself. Dr. Hinge: And you didn't? Teddy: No I kept forgetting, oh, well I mean one objection wouldn't have made any difference, Dame Hilda: I could have raised a petition. Teddy: Oh waste of time, no one would sign it in case the roundabout was built outside their garden. Dr. Hinge: So we're the ones who are going to suffer. Teddy: Yes, but look on the bright side, ladies, I mean think of the advantages, it'll open a whole new window on your life, they can be very interesting you know, these continental juggernauts. Dame Hilda: Oh, the whole idea is totally appalling to me, the very thought of it makes my flesh creep! Dr. Hinge: It's absolutely horrendous, outrageous! Dame Hilda: It's unthinkable! Teddy: Oh so you're not keen? Dame Hilda: We're certainly not! Teddy: You won't like the bad news then? Dr. Hinge: There's more? Dame Hilda: Teddy, I think you've taken leave of your senses. Dr. Hinge: Apart from which there's no room for bulldozers in our garden Teddy: Oh don't worry about it, Evadne, they’ll make room. {Later.} Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it's ridiculous having a protest march to the town hall, there are only two of us. Dame Hilda: We'll gather supporters on the way, dear. Dr. Hinge: We didn't attract many to our meeting in the village hall. Dame Hilda: Oh I don't know, three turned up. Dr. Hinge: And two of those thought it was whist drive. Dame Hilda: You can talk, what about your banner? They shall not pass, I'm sure half the village thought it was something to do with Mastermind. Dr. Hinge: Let's face it Hilda, we are beating our heads against a brick wall, so, I've been thinking. Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought you might have. Dr. Hinge: We must face facts, we are two elderly ladies Dame Hilda: Speak for yourself, dear. Dr. Hinge: As I was saying, two ladies are not going to halt the march of progress. Dame Hilda: Where's your spirit gone, Evadne? The spirit that put the great into Great Britain, this sceptred isle, this jewel set in a silver sea, this demi-paradise, we must fight them on the beaches, we must fight them at the bottom of the garden, we must fight them on the roundabout, we will never surrender!
Dr. Hinge: Hilda, for goodness sake, stop it. Dr. Hinge: Hilda Bracket! Stop it. Dame Hilda: Well, it's made me feel a lot better, dear. Dr. Hinge: The outcome is inevitable, we must make the best of things, we'll just have to learn to live with it. Dame Hilda: How do you learn to live with a bulldozer? I mean, they're not known for their endearing qualities. Dr. Hinge: The roundabout, dear, if we must have one, let's make sure we have the best roundabout in the British Isles. Dr. Hinge: Well, shrubs and flowers, fountains playing, fish swimming lazily in a lily pond, a clump of rhododendrons, a bird bath. Dame Hilda: A putting green. Dame Hilda: A miniature railway, a few lions and tigers, a boating lake, a bandstand, a ski slope, you're talking rubbish, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Just think about it for a moment, our roundabout could be the envy of the country. we might even be on television, you know, interviewed by David Attenborough. Dame Hilda: Ooh, yes, David Attenborough, sweet boy, yes, yes, yes, he's awfully nice, isn't he? I prefer him to Richard, of course, yes, he can study the wildlife of Stackton Tressel anytime he likes. Dr. Hinge: I imagine we might have people coming from miles around. Dame Hilda: Yes, and, Evadne, I've just had an idea, what with the increase in the traffic and all the sightseers, there's going to be a great need for refreshments. Dr. Hinge: I hope you're not going to invite them into the front room for a cup of tea. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda. Dame Hilda: No, it's my idea to open a tea garden, we could put tables and chairs out on the front lawn and those big umbrellas advertising,
Dr. Hinge: If it wasn't for my botanical garden, there'd be no need for your tea garden. Dame Hilda: Exactly, and I'm glad you agree with me, so that's settled, you can take care of the birds and bees and I'll look after the cakes and teas, ha, ha, ha! Dr. Hinge: You've no experience, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, tell you what, let's have a practise then, try me out, go on, go on, try me. Dr. Hinge: OK Hilda, you are the waitress. Dame Hilda: Yes. Dame Hilda: Yes, and I'm sure you'll play the part to perfection, dear. Dr. Hinge: Are you inferring something, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Thank you. Dame Hilda: Not at all, now, carry on, start being awkward. Dr. Hinge: Right, I enter the tea garden. Dame Hilda: Yes. Dr. Hinge: And sit down. Dr. Hinge: Now, what would you do if I snapped my fingers in the air? Dame Hilda: Probably shout, Olé! Dame Hilda: Of course I would, dear, there, what can I get you, madam? Dr. Hinge: For a start a clean tablecloth. Dame Hilda: Fried or boiled? Sorry, there, dear, I was keeping the customer amused, and you're not amused, are you? Dame Hilda: You've done this before, haven't you, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I'm acting, dear, awkward customer, remember? Dame Hilda: Yes, but there's no need to inject so much venom. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, if you're going to be so sensitive, it's best to forget the whole idea. Dr. Hinge: Very well, I'd like a toasted tea cake. Dame Hilda: We haven't got any. Dr. Hinge: You must have. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you are supposed to be a polite waitress. Dame Hilda: Well, I've decided to be an awkward one, so I don't care, I've been acting a bit like it, and we've done with what you're trying to do, so thank you very much.
Dame Hilda: I'm back, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Did you catch the last post, dear? Dame Hilda: I did, yes, the postman was early, you see, he wanted to get finished so he could go on a sponsored walk. Dr. Hinge: So, the deed is done. Dame Hilda: Yes, the orders and cheques are away, all we can do is wait for delivery. Dr. Hinge: Now, I've been looking at your list, dear, and I cannot see quite why you ordered so much crockery for your tea garden. Dr. Hinge: Well, you're not expecting your customers to be violent, are you? Dame Hilda: No, but I might be. Dame Hilda: But of course, you know what these continental lorry drivers are like, they always call a spode a spode, I just thought of that one, I don't suppose you wish you'd thought of it. Dr. Hinge: You're so right. Dame Hilda: And while we're on the subject, why have you ordered a new lawnmower for your roundabout, what's wrong with the one we've got? Dr. Hinge: Well, I want one with a seat on so I can drive it. Dame Hilda: Oh, I see, so, when you're mowing your lawn, you can give a royal wave to passers by, it would have been cheaper to buy a sheep, dear. Dr. Hinge: Now, look here, Hilda, we've spent most of the day looking through garden catalogues and crockery lists, and we've missed our daily rehearsal. Dame Hilda: Do you think it matters just for once? Dr. Hinge: Well, of course it does, even if it's only one song. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, you're right, well, very well, I'll tell you what, then, just one song, then we'll have some tea. do you know the one I'd like to just go over for the concert? that nice one from Gay's the word of Ivor’s. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, yes.
If only he'd looked my way Just stopped to say A word of greeting This let's pretend Would end there and then The very moment when My heart stopped beating If only he'd turned to smile That little while However fleeting Would always seem A dream to dream today If only he'd look my way The first time I was conscious of him I was doing my little dance One of those schottische things Of course, they don't do those any more today, you know And he was sitting in the stage box And I saw a mass of curly hair and a white gardenia He always wore a white gardenia And at the end of my dance He threw it onto the stage It landed at my feet And I picked it up He was very upset, because afterwards He came around to apologise And the next night And the night after that, too That was my big romance He never knew and afterwards When he went away which was very casual I just carried on dancing my little schottische But I've often wondered What would it have been like If only he'd look my way
{Knock, knock.] Dr. Hinge: What's that? Dame Hilda: Oh, it's Teddy Tranter tapping at the window. Dr. Hinge: What does he want, I wonder? Dame Hilda: Oh, sorry, Teddy, oh, I'm sorry, dear, was that your thumb? Teddy: Oh, don't worry about it, Hilda, love. I've got another one. Dame Hilda: Well, you'd better look out, dear, I've got another window. Teddy: Well, I knocked on the front door, but obviously, you didn't hear me, the thing is, I found the letter. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, don't worry about it, Teddy, dear, we've accepted the fact that it's going to happen, and we've planned accordingly, haven't we, Evadne? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, we're most excited. You see, we've turned the whole thing to our advantage, and to our profits, and we've got some wonderful ideas. Teddy: Yes, well, here's the letter, then, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: What's the matter, Hilda? Dame Hilda: It's the ring road, dear, they're not starting it till 1995.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
