The Talent Competition. Dame Hilda: Oh, you're in here, dear, how's the poster going? Dr Hinge: It's finished, Hilda, and I've put it on the table to dry. Dame Hilda: Let me see, oh, very nice, that's very nice indeed Evadne, yes, much better than I could have done, it's perfect, dear, yes, absolutely perfect, it's a pity that the paint's run round the edge. Dr Hinge: Quite effective, isn't it? Dame Hilda: Oh, it is, yes, yes, yes, it's very effective, yes, but it still looks as though the paint has run. Dr Hinge: Hilda, you are not a bit grateful. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, but I would have thought it was the word talent competition that needed to stand out, but it's much better than I could have done it, oh, yes. Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud, bless you, dear. Maud: I thought you might like a cup o’ coffee and a piece of my ‘omemade sultana cake. Maud: Yes Maud: Rightyo! Maud: Ooh, oh Lor! Dr Hinge: Maud, you spilled the coffee all over my poster. Maud: Never mind yer poster, look at my sultana cake. Dr. Hinge: Maud, do you realise how long it took me to paint that poster? Four hours! Dame Hilda: Why, dear? Maud: I forgot t’ put the oven on. Dame Hilda: Well, if I were you, Evadne, I should put it on the floor, ride your bicycle over it a few times, and send it to Sotheby's, it'll probably fetch a fortune. Dr Hinge: Don't talk rubbish, Hilda. Dame Hilda: It's not rubbish, dear, I read in the paper over the other day about a man who found a dirty old piece of canvas in his shed, sent it to London, and they sold it for £40,000. Maud: £40,000? Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. {Next day.} Dame Hilda: Ah, good morning, Evadne. Dr Hinge: Good morning, Hilda, did you get up early? Dame Hilda: Yes, I've been thinking about yesterday's little contretemps with Maud, you know, over your poster. Dr Hinge: Oh, how very kind of you, Hilda, you'd better get started then, dear, the competition is tonight, and you know how long it took me. Dame Hilda: Exactly, well, that's why I got up half an hour earlier. Dame Hilda: I've done it. Dr Hinge: You what? Dame Hilda: Only took me 20 minutes. Dr Hinge: Where is it? Dame Hilda: On the piano. Dame Hilda: No, but there is time. Maud hasn't arrived yet. Dame Hilda: The phone, dear. Stackton 295! Oh, hello, Mrs Manners... yes, it's tonight, dear...well, we're hoping to start at half past seven... of course you can, dear, yes... Mrs Manners is asking if her daughter Melody can enter the talent competition. Dr Hinge: Hilda, she's terrible. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, you see, Evadne's just said, such a talented little girl. She's still playing the recorder, is she, Mrs Manners? Oh, the violin? Dr Hinge: There's no difference the way she plays. Dr Hinge: Hilda, Melody Manners has about as much flair for music as Maud has for ballet dancing. Dr Hinge: Yes, well, tell the audience Melody Manners is on and they'll pay double to get out. Dame Hilda: Well, the proof of the pudding's in the eating. {Door slams!} Dame Hilda: Oh, that'll be Maud, I asked her if she'd sell programmes, you know, but I have a sneaking feeling that she wants to perform. Dr Hinge: Oh, yes, good idea, then every time she does a trick, we could throw her a fish. Dame Hilda: Oh, come in, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, I think we're going to have a marvellous evening, dear, we, of course, could still accept a few more entrants, though, Maud. Dr Hinge: Why not, Maud? Maud: Well, it's ‘is legs. Dame Hilda: Oh, very nasty. Maud: It's giving ‘im gyp, they are. Dame Hilda: Mrs Midwood, she's going to whistle. Dame Hilda: With her mouth, dear, she's going to whistle in a monastery garden. Dame Hilda: Oh, there's no chance of that, Evadne, I believe she's got some tighter fitting dentures now. Dr Hinge: Oh, and then, of course, Mr Fozzard is going to sing The Flea. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, he is, so you'd better keep Arthur away with his heat lumps. Anyway, Maud, are you going to join in the spirit of it all and enter? Maud: Well, I'd like to, if there was somethin’ I could do. Maud: What's one o’ them? Dr Hinge: You know, Maude, the man wears a striped vest and a beret, and the woman wears a split skirt. Dame Hilda: He throws her all over the stage. Maud: Why? Maud: Yes, why? Dame Hilda: Well, because it's traditional. Dr Hinge: So we can assume you won't be helping Constable Bolsover out, Maud. Maud: Definitely, ‘specially after last Thursday mornin’ I was just about t’ cross the road when George Bolsover puts ‘is ‘and on me neck, well, I nearly died o’ fright. Maud: ‘e said ‘e wanted to ‘elp me across the road. Dame Hilda: Well, he would, dear, I mean, he's a very kind man. Maud: I know what ‘e were after, ‘e just wanted to ‘old me close to ‘is body, I had to fight ‘im off, Dame ‘ilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Maud: I told Arthur when I got ‘ome, I'm sure that's what brought on ‘is ‘eat-lumps. Dame Hilda: I'll get it, dear. Stackton 295?... Good heavens, what a coincidence, we were just talking about you, Constable. Maud: Don't tell ‘im I'm ‘ere, Dame ‘ilda, ‘e’ll want to come round. Dame Hilda: Yes, Constable, but of course you can come round. Maud: Don't let ‘im, Dame ‘ilda. ‘e's after me. Maud: That man's evil, Dame ‘ilda, evil, ‘e is. Dame Hilda: Well, actually, he's had rather a good idea. Dr. Hinge: He's going to saw Maud in half! Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, no, he's discarded the Adagio dance idea and he's going to sing a duet. Maud: Not with me, ‘e isn’t. Dame Hilda: No, Maud, with Teddy Tranter. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, that's why George rang, you see, he wants a bit of last minute tuition, so he's on his way round now, he'll be here in a couple of minutes. Maud: Yes, well, I'll be off then, Dame ‘ilda. Maud: Oh, yes, I ‘ave, you don't know what ‘e's like when ‘e sees me, I rouse ‘is primeval instincts. Dr Hinge: I think you're behaving quite childishly, Maud. Maud: Well, I don't care what you think, if George Bolsover's comin’ round to this ‘ouse, I'm goin’, and if ‘e's comin’ to this talent competition tonight, I shan't be there, I'm fed up bein’ pestered by men. Dame Hilda: Yes, but you know, dear, I think she means what she says, I was hoping she'd help with the refreshments, I mean, what are we going to do without her? Dr Hinge: Save a fortune on crockery. Hilda, did George mention what he and Teddy intend to sing? Dr Hinge: I was just wondering what would be suitable for them. Dame Hilda: Well, now, let's think, ha, ha, ha! Dame Hilda: Oh, in here, George, in the music room. Good morning, George. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear? Constable: What's the matter with Maud this morning? Constable: Well, I've just seen her down the road, I'm on me bike, you see, coming here, I slows down, see and says, hello, Maud, never seen anybody run as fast in all me life. Dame Hilda: Yes, very odd, George. Constable: Oh, yes, Dame Hilda: Now, the thing is, do you want to sing them forwards or backwards? Now, come on, Evadne, of course, George, we don't normally sing this song, you see, so you'll have to imagine that we're a couple of policewomen. Dr Hinge: Gendarmerie’s, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, you know, Evadne looks lovely in blue serge and black stockings. Now, listen carefully, George.
We’re public guardians, bold but wary And of ourselves we take good care To risk our precious lives we’re chary When danger looms we’re never there But if we meet some helpless woman Or little boys that do no harm We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes Sometimes our duty’s extra mural Then little butterflies we chase We like to gambol in things rural Commune with nature face to face Unto our beat then back returning Refreshed by nature’s holy charm We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes If gentlemen will make a riot And punch each other’s heads at night We’re quite disposed to keep it quiet Provided that they make it right But if they do not seem to see it And give to us our proper terms We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes
Dr Hinge: What do you think of that George? Dr Hinge: I say, why not try a couple of scales first, George? Constable: That's a good idea, Evadne, loosen the old cobwebs in the voice box, you know, George. Constable: Laahh! Arrhh. Dr Hinge: Oh, very good, George.
We’re public guardians, bold but wary And of ourselves we take good care To risk our precious lives we’re chary When danger looms we’re never there But if we meet some helpless woman Or little boys that do no harm We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in To show them we’re the bold Gendarmes We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in We run them in, We run them in...
Dame Hilda: No, no, no, George control yourself! You’re not at one of those football matches now, you know. Dr Hinge: Try and watch the tempo George. Dame Hilda: We don’t want to book you for speeding. Ha, ha, ha! Well, that was a joke, George. Dame Hilda: Thats our two Gendarmes, Starsky and Hutch, otherwise known as Mr. Trantor and your own Constable Bolsover. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our final competitor. You may remember last year, she delighted us, well, some of us, on the recorder, and the year before, on the clarinet. Well, this year, she has turned her talents to the violin. So, would you give a warm welcome to a Stackton Tressel’s own Yehudi Menuhin, 14-year-old Melody Manners. Now, right, Melody, off you go, dear, now, let me hold your plaits back for you, dear. {Violin plays badly.} Dame Hilda: You know. Evadne, I've always imagined you would be like that as a girl, you know. Well, thank you, Melody, and, what can I say, Dr Hinge: How about sell your violin, dear? Dr Hinge: Even listening to it brought on my headache. Dame Hilda: We've had an almost impossible task separating the entries. We would like to comment briefly on one or two performances which caught our eye. Dr Hinge: Yes, first of all, Mr. Prendergast and his juggling. Dame Hilda: Yes, absolutely first class, Mr. Prendergast, I've never seen so many plates in the air since Maud helped us with the Spring cleaning. Dr Hinge: A splendid effort, Mr. Prendergast. Dame Hilda: Yes, and we'll get two of the Boy Scouts to pick up all the pieces for you after the judging. Dr Hinge: And then came Mr. Bickerdike with his ventriloquist act. Dame Hilda: Very good, Mr. Bickerdike, yes, or should I call you Mr. Gickerdike? Gottle ‘o gear, gottle ‘o gear. We did feel, however, it's a small point, I know, that although it was a novel idea to conceal your lip movements by wearing a gas mask. Dame Hilda: We honestly thought it would have been more convincing if you'd had a dummy. Dr Hinge: Agreed Hilda, yes, certainly. Dame Hilda: I know they're hard to get, but somebody must make them. Dr Hinge: You see, really, Mr. Bickerdike, it would be rather like Mr. Prendergast doing his juggling act without any plates. Dame Hilda: Well, actually, dear, towards the end he was. Dr Hinge: Oh, and we would like to offer a word of consolation to Mrs. Gillings and Rex, her performing poodle. Dame Hilda: Please don't worry about it, Mrs. Gillings, no need to be embarrassed at all, Doctor and I know only too well how unpredictable animals can be on stage. Dr Hinge: But I do think a word of encouragement to Miss Chesswoss and her six dainty dots. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, beautiful costumes, Miss Chesswoss, but maybe next time stronger elastic for Jennifer, big gal, yes. I think that’s all before we declare the winner. Dr Hinge: Hilda, you have an announcement to make. Dame Hilda: Yes, it goes to our comedian, Happy Harry Hargreaves! Well done, Harry, you had us all in stitches, I thought, I never going to stop laughing at the one about the parrot and the honeymoon couple. Dame Hilda: Never mind, dear, I'll explain it to you later. And so our grand talent competition comes to an end. But by popular demand, as we say in the business, the Doctor and myself are going to bring the evening to a close with a song that you all know and love, and it comes from the show by Rodgers and Hammerstein, South Pacific. Evadne!
Most people live on a lonely island Lost in the middle of a foggy sea Most people long for another island One where they know they will like to be Bali Ha’i may call you Any night, any day In your heart you’ll hear it call you Come away, come away Bali Ha’i will whisper In the wind of the sea Here am I, your special island Come to me, come to me Where the sky meets the sea Here am I, your special island Come to me, come to me Bali Ha’i Bali Ha’i Bali Ha’i Some day you'll see me floatin’ in the sunshine My head sticking out from a low flying cloud You'll hear me call you Singin’ through the sunshine Sweet and clear as can be Come to me, here am I, come to me If you try you'll find me Where the sky meets the sea Here am I, your special island Come to me, come to me Bali Ha’i Bali Ha’i Bali Ha’i
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
