Winters Backlog Of Work.
There's something about a warm, clear spring morning which fills most hearts with a desire to get out and about in the garden. Whether it is to take one's ease or to catch up on winter's backlog of work, Dame Hilda and the Doctor are no exceptions. Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Hilda! Dame Hilda: Eh, Eh. Oh, oh, oh! Dr. Hinge: Wake up, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, I must have nodded off for five minutes. Dr. Hinge: An hour, actually. Dame Hilda: Ah, well, you know what I'm like when I sit out in the fresh air. How's the gardening going, have you started yet? Dr. Hinge: I've nearly finished. Dame Hilda: Oh? Dr. Hinge: While you've been snoring in that deckchair... Dame Hilda: I do not snore, dear! Dr. Hinge: Well, if it wasn't you, the flowering current was making some very weird noises. Anyway, while you've been asleep, I've clipped the hedge, dead-headed the pansies, sprayed the roses, and weeded the border. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, so you have. Yes, it looks lovely, dear. I think you've missed a few weeds over there, though. Dr. Hinge: Where? Dame Hilda: There, dear, in the middle of the flowerbed. Dame Hilda: Oh, they are, dear. Dr. Hinge: They are not, I've just planted them. Dame Hilda: What have you planted weeds for then, dear? Dr. Hinge: These are cuttings from Mr Smollett's cold frame. Dame Hilda: Well, you seem to know best, dear, but they won't grow in the shade of that tree. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, just like weeds. Oh, now, I do like your attempt at topiary on the hedge, oh yes, that wavy effect is very artistic. Dr. Hinge: What wavy effect? It's supposed to be straight. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, it's probably me, dear, these glasses. Dr. Hinge: You're not wearing your glasses. Dame Hilda: No, dear, that's right, probably the way I'm sitting. Dr. Hinge: It's all very well, but I'm the one who has to do the garden. Dame Hilda: Oh, and how I envy you, dear, you've no idea how boring it is to have to sit in the sun and read and go to sleep. Dr. Hinge: You're right. I've no idea, I never get the chance. You know, I sometimes wish I was allergic to plants. Dame Hilda: Now, that's not nice, dear. I can't help the way I'm made. I don't come out in red blotches because I like it. Dr. Hinge: Well, you could have sprayed the roses. Dame Hilda: The last time I sprayed the roses, I couldn't sing for three days. Dame Hilda: It brings on my hay fever, dear. Dr. Hinge: Well, what about a cup of tea, then? Dame Hilda: Ooh, that's very kind of you, dear. Dr. Hinge: You've done nothing at all today, Hilda Bracket! Dr. Hinge: Yes, it's a strenuous life, isn't it? Taking care of a budgerigar. Dr. Hinge: Oh, go back to sleep, dear, you must be exhausted. Dr. Hinge: Mmm, you didn't come out in your red blotches then, did you? Dame Hilda: No. isn't it funny? once they've been cut, flowers don't affect me. Dr. Hinge: Yes, it's hysterical. Anyway, I insist that you give me a hand to mow the lawn. Dr. Hinge: Right, here we go. {Mower won’t start.} Dame Hilda: I think it should be throttled a bit more. Dame Hilda: I beg your pardon, dear? Dr. Hinge: I said, let's try again. {Mower starts.} Dr. Hinge: Ah, that's it, hold it there, Hilda. Oh, you let the clutch out. Dame Hilda: Oh, I can't hold it. Dr. Hinge: It's going straight for the flowerbed. Oh, no! Dame Hilda: Don't worry, dear, it'll stop when it gets to the lily pond. {Splash!} See, I told you it would. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, look at my lovely flowerbed. Dr. Hinge: They're cuttings! Dame Hilda: Well, they are now dear? Dr. Hinge: Give me a hand to pull it out of the pond, or are you suddenly allergic to water? Dame Hilda: Oh, all right, then. Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's no good, dear, no good. It's stuck in the mud, you see. Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to wait for high tide. Dame Hilda: Yes, you do that, dear, and I'll go and rearrange the flowers in the hall. Dame Hilda: Where, dear? Dr. Hinge: Up there, see it, right at the top. Dr. Hinge: I should look again if I were you, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, is it a goldfinch? Dr. Hinge: Put your glasses on, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Either that, or he's a very good locksmith. Dame Hilda: I'm coming, Milton, Mummy's on her way. Quick, Evadne, let me help you up the tree. Dr. Hinge: Yes, I suppose that brings you out in green blotches. Dr. Hinge: Would you like me to bring his swing as well? Dame Hilda: I don't mean Milton's ladder. Stay where you are, Milton. Oh, I do hope he doesn't fall off. I'll hold my apron out, jump, Milton, mummy will catch you, boy. Dr. Hinge: Well, I think he's much more interested in those sparrows on the next branch. Dame Hilda: But where's he gone, Evadne? Where's my Milton gone? Dr. Hinge: Well, if he's any sense, the south of France, I suppose.
{Next day.} Dr. Hinge: Ah, good morning, Hilda. Sleep well? Dame Hilda: I didn't sleep at all. Dame Hilda: He hasn't come back. Dr. Hinge: Who, dear? Dr. Hinge: Well, it's hardly surprising, dear, he doesn't have a key, does he? Dame Hilda: I left the light on and the window open all night. Dr. Hinge: Oh, that was a good idea. Dame Hilda: It wasn't, the room's full of moths. Dr. Hinge: Well, it would be, dear, it's the light that attracts them, you know. Dr. Hinge: Is that tea cold or have you just made it? Dame Hilda: I made it two hours ago before I went to the shop. Dr. Hinge: Why, did you go shopping at eight o'clock in the morning? Dame Hilda: I went to see Mrs Jarvis about Milton. Dame Hilda: Oh, really, Evadne! I went to put a card in her window for him. Dr. Hinge: Well, I know he can talk, dear, but I didn't know he could read. Dr. Hinge: Yes. I felt just the same yesterday when I had to do all the gardening. Dr. Hinge: Why, were you thinking of doing a duet with him? {Door knocks!} Oh, someone at the door. Dame Hilda: Oh, you go, dear. I'm sure it'll be bad news. Dr. Hinge: All right, Hilda… {Door knocks!} Dr. Hinge: I'm coming! Ooh! Walter: How do! Have I got the right house? Dr. Hinge: No, not today, thank you. We had the drains done last month. {Door knocks again!} Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear, look, we don't want anything today, thank you. Walter: Nay, only Mrs Jarvis said you'd lost a budgie. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, we have. Dr. Hinge: You've what? Walter: I've found it, it were perched on the roof of me caravan, I heard this pitter-patter of feet and then me picture went all wobbly. So I thought, hello, there's someone messing around with me aerial, right in the middle of Laurel and Hardy it was, so I lured him down with a bit of bacon rind. Oh, he were hungry. Dr. Hinge: You've actually found Milton? Walter: Oh, he never told me his name. Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, do come in, it isn't my budgie, you understand. Walter: Oh, aren't you Miss Bracket? Dr. Hinge: No, Dame Hilda is in the kitchen. Walter: Hey, it's a grand house you've got, oh, you could get my caravan in this hall. Dame Hilda: Who is it, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: It's a gentleman, Hilda, apparently he's found Milton. Walter: I was just saying to yer mate, I was watching Laurel and Hardy, right, good it was, that one where the car cuts through that circular saw and gets cut in half, have you seen it? It's hilarious. Walter: And they slide down this pole, you see, and it was then that my picture started wobbling. Walter: He's in me pocket. Dame Hilda: In your pocket? Walter: Oh, he's quite safe. He's in a toffee tin with holes punched int’ lid. Oh, here we are, he'll be all right I took the toffees out. Dame Hilda: Oh, Milton, come to mummy. Come and sit on mummy's shoulder. Oh, look at him, his feathers are all ruffled. Walter: Craddock, but you can call me Walter. Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, Mr. Craddock, you must allow us to reimburse you for your trouble. Walter: Oh, no. I'm only glad to help. Dame Hilda: Oh, but we must. I did mention a reward on the card. Dr. Hinge: Well, we'll certainly remember that, Mr. Craddock, the next time we want something doing. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, he means... Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I think I'll put Milton back in his cage, now, come along, Milton, back in your own little house. Oh, dear. Dame Hilda: Look at this cage door, It's all loose and floppy, that's how he got out. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. I'm hopeless with anything mechanical. Dame Hilda: You see, dear, all you need is an expert. Now, can you fix it, Walter? Walter: No trouble, I'll go and get me a pair of how-do-you-do's, they’re in me toolbox on me bike. Back in a jiffy. Dr. Hinge: There was no need for him to make those remarks about the garden. Drunk, indeed! Dr. Hinge: I don't like him, Hilda. He's got shifty eyes, they’re far too close together. Dr. Hinge: What have his ears got to do with anything? Dame Hilda: Well, what have his eyes got to do with it? You might just as well say that he's got a crafty nose. Dr. Hinge: Well, now you mention it, he has, and thin lips and a weak chin. I don't like him. Walter: Here we are, I've got me what-nots. By the way, I hope you don't think I'm rude, but you keep your lawnmower in a daft place. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, a slight accident. It has a will of its own, you know. Dr. Hinge: It has when you're at the controls. Dame Hilda: Have you trapped your finger, Walter? Walter: No, your flippin' budgies bitten me! Anyway, it's fixed. Dr. Hinge: Yes, yes. Well, I'll see you to the door, Mr. Craddock. Dame Hilda: Oh, there's no need to rush, Evadne, I'm sure Walter would like to stay and join us in a cup of coffee, wouldn't you, Walter? Of course you would, put the milk on him, Evadne. Walter: Well, actually, I'm not all that fond of coffee. I don't suppose you've got anything a bit stronger? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, we've got some cocoa. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Yes, well, I think we have a drop or something left from Christmas. Now, we've got sherry, rum, whisky, and brandy. Walter: Aye, them'll do fine. Dame Hilda: I tell you what, Evadne, just boil enough milk for yourself. I'll have just a wee sherry with Walter. Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm not drinking coffee on my own. Pour one out for me as well. Dr. Hinge: And I think we ought to run through our song for this afternoon, you know. Walter: Oh, have you got a concert on today, then? Dame Hilda: Well, actually, we are recording a little item for the local radio, you know. They like to use the talent that's in the county. Walter: Of course, I've never heard you meself, but Mrs. Jarvis says sometimes you're very good. Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Mrs. Jarvis. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I don't think Mr. Craddock wants to sit through one of our rehearsals, do you? Walter: Oh, I don't mind. I like to see what goes on behind the scenes in show business. Walter: I'll bring the booze with me in case somebody wants another. Dame Hilda: Make yourself at home, Walter. Walter: Ah, you're right. The vibration might knock them off. Anyway, what sort of stuff do you sing, then? Do you know any George Formby songs? Dame Hilda: Well, we know of them. Walter: Ah, me favourite is George. They'll come back, you know, ukuleles, everybody had one when I were a lad. Dame Hilda: Oh, we had one, in fact, it's still somewhere in the attic. Dame Hilda: Ready when you are, dear. Now, why don't we pretend that Walter is our listener? Is that all right with you, Walter? Walter: Aye! Dame Hilda: Oh, splendid. Well, there we are, then. Now, thank you very much for joining us this afternoon. And we would like to sing for you a very lovely song from one of the works of Gilbert and Sullivan. And this is a trio adapted for two voices by the Doctor here. Three Little Maids From School.
Three little maids from school are we Pert as a school girl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school Everything is a source of fun Nobody’s safe for we care for none Life is a joke that’s just begun Three little maids from school Three little maids who all unwary Come from a ladies seminary Freed from it’s genius tutelary Three little maids from school Three little maids from school One little maid is a bride Yum-yum Two little maids in attendance come Three little maids is the total sum Three little maids from school From three little maids take one away Two little maids remain and they Won’t have to wait very long they say Three little maids from school Three little maids who all unwary Come from a ladies seminary Freed from it’s genius tutelary Three little maids from school Three little maids from school
Walter: Hey, that were great! Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you, Walter. Were you happy with it, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm not too happy with the area around middle C. I think we should have had the piano tuner in, you know. Dame Hilda: I never noticed it. Walter: Well, I thought it was smashing. Have you ever thought of taking it up professionally? Dr. Hinge: We are professionals, Mr. Craddock! I'll see you to the door. Dame Hilda: What's the hurry, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I just thought Mr. Craddock would want to be getting back home. After all, the sherry bottle does appear to be empty. Dame Hilda: And don't forget, dear, Walter did promise us he'd help retrieve the lawnmower from the pond. Dame Hilda: Right, well now, come along, Evadne, shoulders to the wheel and all that, where did you put my gardening gloves, dear? {Garden.} Walter: Right, now, there's nothing to this at all. It's simple leverage, if I put this clothes prop into the water and grobble it under the mower, all I have to do is lean on it and my weight will lift it high enough for you to pull it back onto the lawn. Dame Hilda: You see, Evadne, it takes a scientific brain. Dr. Hinge: So have I. Walter: It's all to do with yer fulcrum. Ah, clever fellow, Archie Meads. Walter: He could have done, he were that sort of fellow. Dr. Hinge: Well, are we going to stand here talking or shall we make a start? Walter: Yes, right. Here we go. {Splash!} Ooh, help! Dame Hilda: Oh, Walter, Walter, you've fallen in the pond. Walter: I know. {House.} Dame Hilda: Come on, Evadne, get your coat on. Dr. Hinge: I don't agree with this, Hilda. Why should we have to go and fetch the man some dry clothes from his caravan? Dame Hilda: Because I offered, dear. Dame Hilda: All right, dear, I'll go on my own and you stay with him in the house. Dr. Hinge: I most certainly will not. Dr. Hinge: And another thing, you had no right to lend him my dressing gown. Dame Hilda: Well, I couldn't lend him mine, dear, lilac, just isn't his colour. Dr. Hinge: Well, I shall never wear it again after today. Walter: Here we are. Hey, I better look all right Bobby Dazzler in this dressing gown. Dame Hilda: Oh, most alluring, Walter. Walter: It's a bit baggy round me chest but I suppose that's only to be expected. Walter: They're a long time, Milton. {Phone rings.} Oh, heck, I hope that's not them in trouble. Hello?... No, they're out…. No, I'm what you might call a friend, well, a friend of one of ‘em. I'm hoping they won't be long because I'm waiting here with no clothes on…. Oh, I've got a dressing gown on. I see. Oh, you're the fella that's coming to record ‘em singing…. right, I'll tell ‘em, and stop calling me Casanova. Cheek. You know who that was, Milton? That fella what's coming to record your mother and her mate. She's a right moaning Minnie is that Evadne. She might be a bit more friendly if I tuned her piano for her, she said it was a bit off, because I've done a bit of piano tuning, you know. I say, I've done a bit of... oh, you don't understand a word I'm saying, do you, Milton? Somewhere around middle C, she said. {Piano sounds!} Walter: Aye. ‘appen it could do to go up a bit, where's me pliers I brought in? Here we are, now then, that's better. Maybe I should check the others while I'm at it. {Later.} Dame Hilda: Come into the music room, Mr Greenaway. Now, would you like to put your microphone on the piano? Mr Greenaway: Yes, fine, fine, super lovely. Little time, must press on. Microphone there, you there. Jolly good, like it, super! Dr. Hinge: We thought the listeners would like to hear our rendering of Three Little Maids from School. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, when you're ready, Mr Greenaway. Mr Greenaway: Sound is running. OK, all yours, super. Dame Hilda: Good, I'm so pleased. Well, off you go, Evadne, that's it, dear. {Piano plays dreadfully!} Dr. Hinge: Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Greenaway, something seems to be wrong with my piano. Mr Greenaway: Sounds good, sounds good, freaky, wild, like it, super. Walter: I've left the dressing gown on the bed. Walter: Well, it sounds better than it did. Dr. Hinge: How do you mean, Mr Craddock? Walter: Before I tuned it for you. Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, least said soonest mended. Walter: Oh, I mended the pedal for you an’all. Dr. Hinge: Which pedal? Walter: That one that's just fallen off. Mr Greenaway: Oh, great pity, listeners disappointed. Time's passing, must be quick, heads together, ideas, anybody? Dame Hilda: Yes, er, let's think about it. There must be something we can do. Dame Hilda: Come on then, Walter, what is it? Walter: Well, it was something you said earlier on. Dame Hilda: Yes. {Later.} Mr Greenaway: All set, ready, super. Switch on and cue. { Ukulele plays} Both:
Dr. Hinge: Oh, this is terrible! No, this is just ridiculous. We have our reputation to think about. Walter: I thought I were very good on this ukulele. Dr. Hinge: It's not our style at all. One can't sing this type of song to the ukulele. Dame Hilda: Well, maybe we could sing unaccompanied, dear. Walter: Like it, like it, fair enough, super. Dr. Hinge: Well, I most certainly do not like it. Piano accompaniment is an essential ingredient of our performance, so we will have to put the recording off until tomorrow. Mr Greenaway: Like it, fantastic, super. Nice song, very happy. Go down well, super. Walter: Are we going to play it back then? Mr Greenaway: No trouble. Stand by, starting now. Press button, all listen. Walter:
Mr Greenaway: Super, many thanks, great help. New star born today, must dash things to do. Walter: Ah, well you know where to find me for next week's programme. It's been a great day, hasn't it? Dame Hilda: Marvellous. What do you think, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I think I'll join the lawnmower in the lily pond.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
