A Case For Calves Foot Jelly. Dame Hilda: Poor old Maud was a bit poorly recently. Her face suddenly got very puffy and came out in big red blotches. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it, she looked like a badly made jam roly poly! Her doctor thought she might be allergic to something and everybody seemed to agree. Her husband Arthur reckoned she was allergic to night air so he stopped taking her to the pub with him. Evadne reckoned she was allergic to caffeine and stopped all her coffee breaks. And Maud herself decided she was allergic to washing up liquid, so she didn't do any washing up for a month. She also decided she was allergic to her doctor and against all advice told him so, whereupon he threw her straight into hospital for tests, which Evadne reckoned was one of the biggest crises to have hit the health service for years. Anyhow, a day or two after she was admitted, there we both were in the drawing room at the old manse, packing the things we were to take her on our first visit. {Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: Shall I take her this bottle of Eau de Cologne, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Certainly not, that's mine. Dame Hilda: Well, all right, then shall you take her this bottle of Eau de Cologne? Dr. Hinge: No, that was a present, you gave me that last Christmas. Dame Hilda: Well, you obviously didn't think much of it, you haven't even opened it. Dr. Hinge: I still haven't finished the bottle you gave me the year before. Dame Hilda: Then you can afford to give this one to Maud, can't you? After all, you'll be getting another bottle this Christmas. Though now I know how well stocked you are, I'll probably make it the smaller size. Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well, let Maud have it. Dame Hilda: Thank you, it's very generous of you, dear. Now, what else have we got to take? Dr. Hinge: Well, there's this stuff Arthur brought round this morning. Though why he doesn't take it himself, goodness knows. Dame Hilda: He can't dear, he simply doesn't have the time. Well, he hardly gets a minute to himself now the pubs are open all day. Dr. Hinge: Here you are then and what a curious collection Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Her true romance magazine, her set of Mills and Boone hospital romances and her collection of miniature cacti. Dr. Hinge: What on earth does she want them for? Dame Hilda: Well, she talks to them so they'll be company for her. Now, what have you got to go in here? Dr. Hinge: Well, I dug out few things I thought she might find useful, there's a bed jacket, a woollen shawl. Dame Hilda: What's this knitted cap with the ear flaps and the pom poms on it? Dr. Hinge: I thought she might use that as a nightcap, I used to wear it when I was curling. Dame Hilda: When you were curling what? Dr. Hinge: Curling is a game, Hilda, a very ancient Scottish game played on ice. Dame Hilda: But Maud’s in hospital, dear, not in training for the winter games. Dr. Hinge: Well, she's still got to keep herself warm, hasn't she? Dame Hilda: Well, yes, but they do heat hospitals these days, you know. Things have changed a bit since you were in the Crimea with your little chum Florrie Nightingale. Dr. Hinge: If you don't want it, I'll have it back. Dame Hilda: No, no, it's all right, I'll use it to wrap around my Harrods jar of kiwi fruit in cognac. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, are you really intending to carry all this stuff to the hospital in that old wicker basket? Dame Hilda: I am, why? Dr. Hinge: You're going to look like little red riding hood visiting granny. Dame Hilda: Well, with you in tow, I'm going to look as if I've already got granny with me. Dr. Hinge: Oh, and pop these in for me as well, would you, Hilda? Maud can wear them in bed. Dame Hilda: What on earth are they? Dr. Hinge: What do they look like? they're socks. Dame Hilda: But they're enormous, I mean the stockings I hang up at Christmas aren't as big as these. Dr. Hinge: They're sailors' socks. Dame Hilda: You're a bit of a dark horse, aren't you, how did you manage to get your hands on a pair of sailor's socks? Dr. Hinge: Well, if you must know, Hilda, I knitted those myself. Dame Hilda: Who for? Dr. Hinge: For a sailor who do you think? Dame Hilda: You never told me you had a sockless sailor for a friend? Dr. Hinge: It was during the war. I was just one of thousands upon thousands of women who knitted socks for the Navy. Socks and scarves and pullovers and mittens. The Russian convoys were full of men dressed in my woollies. Dame Hilda: No wonder the Russians wouldn't let them ashore when they arrived. Dr. Hinge: Then the war ended and my last consignment of socks obviously never got dispatched. While I was rooting about in my bedroom, I came across several pairs. Dame Hilda: I say we could open a boutique in Pompey, ‘The fleets in socks again, back home. In socks again, yo ho!’ Oh, I say, that reminds me, I found one more little song I want to add to the cassette we've recorded for Maud. Dr. Hinge: Do you really think she's going to want a specially recorded cassette, after all she'll have radio and television in there, you know? Dame Hilda: Yes, but she won't always feel up to them, will she? There's bound to be times when she wants cheering up. Dr. Hinge: Better off having psychotherapy. Dame Hilda: Well, I think it was an inspiration of mine to record a special cassette of nice jolly songs for her. Dr. Hinge: Nice jolly songs. ‘Horsey keep your tail up.’ ‘Why does a winkle always turn to the right?’ Dame Hilda: Yes! Well, the one I want to add is on the piano there. Dr. Hinge: This? Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, how do you find them? Dame Hilda: Well, I look in your piano stool, don't I? that's from Jessie Matthews film Evergreen, and the words are very appropriate. Dr. Hinge: All right, switch your little recorder on and I'll begin. Dame Hilda: Right, and here we go.
I'm the only doctor that can cure your ills No fancy medicine, no bitter tasting pills I've a magic cure as simple as can be I just prescribe this bright little melody Oh, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, what if the raindrops sprinkle Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the sun will shine Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, what if the stars won’t twinkle Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the stars will shine When you moan and groan Then trouble hangs around He runs miles and miles From every happy sound. Oh, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, what if the raindrops sprinkle Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the sun will shine Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, what if the stars won’t twinkle Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the stars will shine Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the sun will shine Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, what if the stars won’t twinkle Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the stars will shine When you moan and groan Then trouble hangs around. He runs miles and miles From every happy sound. Oh, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, what if the raindrops sprinkle Tie a little bell to your dancing shoes and the sun will shine
Dame Hilda: Oh lovely dear. Now I'll just wind it back a bit and make sure it's recorded all right. There, and off we go. {Tape plays slowly.} Dr. Hinge: Ha ha ha ha! Well, that should cheer Maud up alright! Dame Hilda: Oh, it's only a slight technical hitch dear. Don't I record well? Do you know I could listen to me for hours? Dr. Hinge: Well, let's hope Maud can. And if you're going to leave your cassette recorder with her, I hope you’ve put batteries in it, she may not have a socket handy and we don't want her unplugging someone's life support machine. Dame Hilda: Evadne, I'm not a complete blithering idiot. Dr. Hinge: No, you sometimes do a passable imitation. Dame Hilda: At least my bedroom isn't full of unused sailor socks. Dr. Hinge: Now, come along Hilda, do get a move on. Dame Hilda: I'm ready, dear, I'm ready, all I've got to do is collect my jar of calves foot jelly from the kitchen. Dr. Hinge: If it's set, you should have let me make that. Dame Hilda: You know nothing about it, Evadne, you may be a dab hand at colts foot pancakes and elderberry expectorate, but calves foot jelly is out of your league. Dr. Hinge: All right then, why won't it set? Dame Hilda: It will... eventually. Dr. Hinge: You shouldn’t have mucked about with the recipe’ Hilda. Dame Hilda: I did not muck about with it. I made it exactly as granny Fyfield used to make it when I was a child. Just calves foot stock, sugar, sherry, cloves, cinnamon, lemons, eggs and a nip of brandy. The only slight modification I made was to cut down on the calves foot and bump up the brandy. Now, stop being a grouch and let's go. {Hospital.} Dame Hilda: What room is she supposed to be, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: 5B. Don't you ever listen to what people tell you? It's down here on the left somewhere. Dame Hilda: One does such an awful lot of walking in these big modern hospitals, doesn't one? Dr. Hinge: Well, you could have borrowed a wheelchair at reception. Dame Hilda: Those wheelchairs are for visitors who can't walk far. Dr. Hinge: Well, you can't. Dame Hilda: I can walk as far as you can and as fast, if I couldn't, you'd be ahead of me by now, wouldn't you? Dr. Hinge: Well, I would have been if I hadn't kept stopping to let you catch up. Dame Hilda: It wasn't to let me catch up, it was because you were puffed. Dr. Hinge: Poppycock! Dame Hilda: What do you mean, poppycock? I've heard a grampus breathing better. Dr. Hinge: Poppycock! Dame Hilda: Oh, do stop saying poppycock, people will think you're simple. But, as I was saying, hospitals have changed a bit over the years. You don't get that terrible, antiseptic smell these days, do you? Dr. Hinge: No, you don't. Dame Hilda: Mind you, there's still a terrible smell. I wonder what it is. Dr. Hinge: Well, presumably it's the terrible smell, the antiseptic smell used to hide. Dame Hilda: Oh, 5B, this is it. Dr. Hinge: Right. Dame Hilda: No, don't just go barging in Evadne, somebody might be doing something we're not supposed to see, peep through the porthole first. Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well. Dame Hilda: No, no, wait, no, I'll peep, I mean, if they see your face at the window they’ll think the place is haunted. Dr. Hinge: Oh go on then... well? Dame Hilda: Oh I say, It’s a nice, bright, airy room, really clean, lovely polished floor, big windows, oh, my dear, what pretty curtains, glazed cotton, lovely finish, oh and flowers and only the four beds. Dr. Hinge: Hilda: we are not viewing a bed sitter. Dame Hilda: But I can't see Maud. There's a woman asleep in one bed, a screen round another one, there's one with nobody in it and one with an old lady sitting bolt upright staring at me. Oh, she's just stuck her tongue out. Dr. Hinge: Does it look healthy? Dame Hilda: Don't make me laugh, you are awful. I'll go in and ask about Maud, you wait here.
{Ward!} Dame Hilda: {Whispering.}Excuse me, dear, but I'm looking for a Mrs. Print, Mrs. Maud Print. Patient: If you got a sore throat, you shouldn't be ‘ere, this is an ‘ospital we don't want it fulla germs!Dame Hilda: No, don’t worry dear, I haven't got a sore throat. Patient: Then what yer whispering for? Dame Hilda: Well, because I didn't want to wake the lady in the next bed. Patient: Oh, you won't wake ‘er, she's deaf as a post, won't wear ‘er ‘earing aid, won't wear ‘er teeth neither, nice company she is. Dame Hilda: Well, at least she's quiet. Now, might Mrs. Print be behind the screen over there? Patient: She might be. Dame Hilda: Ah. Patient: But she ain't! Do you know what is behind that screen? Dame Hilda: No, dear, and if it's something unpleasant I don't want to know. Patient: It's Mrs. Mercer. She only ‘ad ‘er op this morning, they’ve done something to ‘er nose, pity it weren't ‘er tongue, now if they could’ve stopped that wagging. Dame Hilda: You're a happy little family in here, aren't you? Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Dame Hilda: Yes, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Have you found it where Maud is yet? Dame Hilda: Well, I have and I haven't. Dr. Hinge: What's that supposed to mean? Dame Hilda: Well, I know where she isn't, and it's not been easy finding that out. Patient: You want Maudie Print? That's ‘er bed over there, but she ain't in it. Dr. Hinge: No, we can see that, where is she? Patient: She's gorn. Dame Hilda: What do you mean gorn, er... gone? Patient: She was took, ‘er and all ‘er belongings were took. They give ‘ er ‘er breakfast then they come and took ‘er. Dr. Hinge: Makes this ward sounds like death row! Dame Hilda: But where have they taken her, dear? Patient: ‘ow would I know? They don't even tell me where they're taking me, why should they tell me where they're taking ‘er. Dr. Hinge: Come along, Hilda, let's get out of here. Dame Hilda: Yes, you're right, well, bye-bye, dear. And thank you for your help, I hope you'll soon be out of here. Patient: So do I, if I ain't I’m bound to catch something. Dame Hilda: So what do we do now, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Well, I suppose we'll have to traipse back and try to find someone who knows where Maud's been taken. Dame Hilda: I'm beginning to wish I had borrowed one of those wheelchairs from reception after all. Dr. Hinge: And who do you think would have pushed you? Dame Hilda: Not for me, dear, but I could have put this blessed heavy basket in it, I'd happily have pushed it myself. Dr. Hinge: If you want me to carry the basket for a bit, Hilda, you have only to ask. Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. I say, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Well? Dame Hilda: Carry the basket for a bit. Dr. Hinge: Oh, give it here. Hilda, isn't that Maud down there, sitting in the wheelchair beside the fire hydrant? Dame Hilda: Oh, don't say they've got her fire watching. Dr. Hinge: Maud! Dame Hilda: Maud! Maud: Dame ‘ilda! Doctor. Dame Hilda: Hello, Maud. Maud: ‘ow lovely to see yer. Dame Hilda: We've been looking for you, dear, what are you doing out here? Maud: Waiting. Dr. Hinge: Waiting for what, Maud? Maud: Waiting for a porter to come and take me somewhere else for more blooming tests. I've been pushed from pillar to post in this contraption, ever since they woke me up to ask me if I’d slept all right. Dr. Hinge: How are they treating you, then, Maud? Maud: Rotten. I weren't allowed no breakfast ‘sept for a cup o’ tea, weren't allowed no dinner, I were allowed a cup o’ tea at tea time, but I never got one, and now they say I can ‘ave anything I like, only there ain't nothing to ‘ave till supper. Dame Hilda: And how are you feeling, dear? Maud: ‘ungry. Dr. Hinge: Well, apart from hungry, Maud. Maud: Tired. Dame Hilda: Yes, but how are you feeling in yourself, dear? Maud: Tired and ‘ungry. Dame Hilda: How lucky I made that calves foot jelly, Evadne, it's the perfect pick-me-up for this sort of thing. Here, give me the basket, she may as well have it now. Dr. Hinge: I bet it still hasn't set yet, and you needn't think I am asking sister to set up a calves foot jelly drip. Dame Hilda: You’re right is hasn't, luckily, so Maud can drink it straight out of the jar, can't you? Dr. Hinge: That should make her feel at home. Dame Hilda: Here you are, Maud, try a drop of this, dear, I made it especially. Maud: Oh, what a lovely big stone jar. Dame Hilda: I thought you'd appreciate that, dear, it's the sort that Pooh bear keeps his honey in. Maud: Oh, it's ‘eavy? Dr. Hinge: I know, I've been carrying it. Dame Hilda: I carried it a lot further than you did and I didn't complain. Dr. Hinge: Didn't you, then how was it I ended up with it? Dame Hilda: Because you offered. Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, you just have a nice sip of that, dear, it'll do you the world of good. Maud: Thank you, Dame ‘ilda. {Slurp!} Ooh, that's lovely, I don't know ‘ow I've lived through the last day or two, I've been poked and prodded and pulled about till there's ‘ardly a bit o’ me I can call me own. Dr. Hinge: Well, they're trying to find out what's wrong with you, aren't they? Maud: Well, they don't seem to be doing too well. They keep asking me and if I ask them they just say they don't know, I’m fed up to me back teeth and they're about the only things that ain't aching. Dame Hilda: Well, there are all sorts of goodies in this basket to cheer you up. Arthur sent you your magazine. Dr. Hinge: And your cacti. Maud: Oh, bless ‘im, and there were me thinking that as soon as me back were turned ‘e'd chuck em straight in the bin. Dame Hilda: And the Doctors brought you some lovely woollies. Dr. Hinge: It's just as well I have if she's going to spend all her time sitting around in draughty corridors. Dame Hilda: Oh, and you'll love this! Now, I'm lending you my little cassette player, dear, and I've recorded you a little tape of nice, happy songs. Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda. Who else but you would think o’ doing something like that? Dr. Hinge: That's exactly what I said. Dame Hilda: To start it, dear, you just press that button there. Dr. Hinge: Which has start written on it. Dame Hilda: And to stop it, you press that one there. Dr. Hinge: Which has stop written on it. Dame Hilda: Oh, do stop it Evadne, you're confusing us. Maud: Don't worry, Dame ‘ilda. I've got one like this at ‘ome. Porter: Right, Mrs. Print, your driver’s back, we're off again. Maud: Where are you taking me now, then? Porter: Up to the seventh, you ain't been on the seventh yet, have you? Maud: Yes, I ‘ave. Porter: Oh, have you, you are seeing the world aren't you? Maud: I sat in a corridor up on the seventh most of yesterday morning, your mate come and said as I shouldn't be there and took me down to third? Porter: Well, you shouldn't have been on the third darling, that's maternity. Dame Hilda: Look, Maud, you're obviously going to be rushing about for the rest of the day. So you'd better take this basket with you, we'll pop back tomorrow, dear. Dr. Hinge: Or the day after. Porter: Right, so if you've got your luggage then dear, we'll be on our way. Hang on to your hat! Maud: Bye, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor, thanks for coming, see you soon! Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, bye-bye. Dr. Hinge: Bye-bye. Dame Hilda: Well, I suppose there's nothing to do, but go home, Evadne. It's a shame we've driven all this way and only had a few minutes with her, it's a bit of a let down really, isn't it? Dr. Hinge: I dare say it is. I was merely doing my duty and I'm glad it proved less onerous than I thought it might. Book lady: Excuse me, ladies, are you by any chance hospital visitors? Dame Hilda: Well, we are, dear, yes. Book lady: I thought you must be, would you mind just taking over the book trolley for a minute or two? Dr. Hinge: The book trolley? Book lady: I would be grateful. I'm running dreadfully late, and if I don't phone a hubby he's bound to forget the aubergines and that's dinner done for. Dr. Hinge: Perish the thought!. Book lady: I've got as far as room 15, so if you could just do Mr. Jackson in 16 for me, I'll not be a moment. Dame Hilda: Oh don't worry, dear, it's no trouble at all. Book lady: Oh, bless you! You've saved my life. Dame Hilda: And hopefully your aubergines too. Dr. Hinge: What did you want to do that for Hilda? we're not friends of the hospital. Dame Hilda: Oh, I'm quite fond of it, I bought two marrows and a tea cosy at their garden party. Dr. Hinge: I notice they’re building a new wing on the strength of your investment. Dame Hilda: Oh, come on, Evadne. Do your a good deed for the day and push the book trolley? Dr. Hinge: No, no, you volunteered. Dame Hilda: But you've got the muscles, dear. Here we are, room 16... Good afternoon, Mr. Jackson, would you like a nice big book to read? Jackson: No, thank you. Dr. Hinge: Right, that's that, come along, Hilda. Dame Hilda: No, not so fast, Evadne. I'll see if I can tempt him. Dr. Hinge: Trust you take advantage of a sick man? Dame Hilda: Now we've got a wide selection here, Mr. Jackson, there must be something you'd like? Jackson: I don't want a book, thank you. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, he doesn't want a book. Dame Hilda: Would you like your television on then? Jackson: No, thank you. Dame Hilda: What about your radio, dear? Jackson: No, thanks. Dame Hilda: Well, do you have a newspaper or maybe a magazine you can read? Jackson: No, I don't. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, then you better have a book, you see. Jackson: I don't want a book. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, he doesn't want a book. Dame Hilda: Well, he can't just lie there. Dr. Hinge: Why can't he? Dame Hilda: Well, because it isn't good for him, he ought to keep his mind occupied. Dr. Hinge: His mind might be fully occupied for all you know. Dame Hilda: Well, it doesn't look very occupied to me, he's just lying there staring at the ceiling. Dr. Hinge: Probably studying the cracks. Dame Hilda: Well, I'm sure it can't be good for him to worry. Dr. Hinge: Who said anything about him worrying? Dame Hilda: Well, I'd be worrying if I was lying under a ceiling as cracked as that. If he had a book it might take his mind off it. Have you ever read any Georgette Heyer, dear? Jackson: No, I haven't, and I don't want to. Dame Hilda: Oh, what a shame. I've got an awful lot of her. Dear, and she's a jolly good read. I'll leave you a couple anyway. Now, how about the Reluctant widow and April lady? See what you think. Jackson: There's really no point. I have Proust in my locker. Dame Hilda: Oh I’m very sorry to hear that. Dr. Hinge: Marcel Proust, Hilda, the French novelist. Dame Hilda: Well, if it's the kind of thing you have to hide in your locker, Mr. Jackson would be better occupied reading Georgette Heyer. Now, Mr. Jackson, would you like me to plump your pillows up for you? Jackson: No, they're perfectly comfortable as they are. Dr. Hinge: Well if there's nothing else we can do then? Jackson: There is just one thing, if you'd be so kind. Dame Hilda: Oh, what's that, dear? Jackson: Hang this on the door handle as you go out, would you? Dame Hilda: Do not disturb. Are you allowed to have that sort of thing on your door in hospital? {Later.} Dame Hilda: Well, what a day that turned out to be. When we got out of Mr. Jackson's room, there was no sign of the book lady. Mind, I'd happily have worked on down the corridor, but Evadne insisted that we dump the trolley and run. In the end, we compromised, we dumped the trolley and walked, all the way into the car park. And it was then I realised that I'd left my car keys in my handbag in the basket we'd given to Maud, so back we went. But we couldn't find Maud anywhere. Oh, the staff were very helpful, they made all sorts of suggestions as to where she might be, but she never was. One very nice young doctor suggested we tried the path lab, another, unless we misread his directions sent us down to the boiler room. No matter where we went she'd either just left or she wasn't expected. So finally, we decided to go back to square one and ask at reception. Dame Hilda: Oh, that's not the receptionist that was on when we first came in, is it, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: No, it's not. I expect they've changed shifts several times since we first came in. The girl we saw has probably retired on a pension by now. {Cassette player playing!} Dame Hilda: Shh, shh, shh, listen it's Maud there, look, by the door. Dr. Hinge: Perhaps she was planning to wait for dark, then make run for it. Dame Hilda: Maud! Dr. Hinge: Maud! Maud: Dame ‘ilda, Doctor. You still ‘ere? thought you'd gone ‘ours ago. Dr. Hinge: We would have done if Hilda hadn’t left her blessed handbag in that basket. Dame Hilda: We've been looking all over for you, dear, what are you doing here? Maud: Just waiting. Dr. Hinge: What are you waiting for now, Maud? Maud: I'm waiting for an ambulance to take me ‘ome, they've done with me for a bit. Dr. Hinge: Well, they probably need time to think up a few more tests. Dame Hilda: Mind, I think she's looking a lot better than she did, don’t you Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Oh, the red blotches have gone. That's probably because her whole face is red now. Dame Hilda: Yes, you've certainly got a very good colour, Maud. I expect the change has done you good. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. Maud: Well, it might ‘ave been a change, but it ain't been much of a rest. I'll be glad to get ‘ome. My Arthur may be daft, but at least ‘e don't wake me up in the middle of the night to ask if I'd like a sleeping pill. Dame Hilda: Well, you'll soon be home, Maud, but there's no point waiting for an ambulance. Evadne, pop and tell the girl on the desk that we're taking Maud with us. Dr. Hinge: Why, tell them? Why don't we just take her? And let them search the entire building for her like we had to. Dame Hilda: Because, Evadne, the Brackets have never been body snatchers. Now, go and tell her, and I'll take Maud to the car. Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well. Dame Hilda: Right, Maud if you're ready, give me the basket. Maud: It's all ‘iggledy piggledy, I'm afraid. Dame Hilda: Well, there's no need to worry about that, dear. I say, this jar's empty, have you got through all that calves foot jelly? Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, it were lovely. You couldn’t ‘alf taste the alkyole. Dame Hilda: Well, I admit, I did put rather a lot of brandy in it. I put rather a lot of sherry in too. But don't tell Evadne, but I misread the recipe. Oh, and I see you've eaten all your kiwi fruit in cognac as well. Maud: They was gorgeous, Dame ‘ilda:. You could taste the alkyole in them an’ all. Dame Hilda: No wonder you're red in the face, can you stand all right? Maud: O’ course I can, Dame ‘ilda. Dame Hilda: Go on, then, try. Maud: Woo hoo, me legs is all wobbly. Dame Hilda: Well, you’d better sit down again. Don’t worry, dear, we’re in no rush. Maud: Ooh, me legs do feel funny. I'd not be able to do the ‘okey cokey now. Dame Hilda: Well, that’s a relief. Dr. Hinge: Right Hilda, that's done. What are you two hanging about here for? Dame Hilda: It's Maud's legs dear, she's a bit unsteady on them. Dr. Hinge: I'm not surprised sitting in that contraption all day with no proper food. Maud: Hic! Pardon! Dame Hilda: Apart from my calves foot jelly. Dr. Hinge: What? Dame Hilda: She's finished it all up, didn't you, dear? Maud: Hic! Dr. Hinge: Hilda, she's drunk. Dame Hilda: Yes, but you must admit it's cheered her up. Now, you take one arm and I'll take the other and oopsy daisy! Maud: I ‘ope you two ‘ave got me all right. I’d not want to end up flat on me face in the foyer. They'd ‘ave me back in for tests afore I could blink. Dr. Hinge: Don’t worry Maud we've got you. Dame Hilda: Right, we're all together now, like a good chorus line. I'll give you a count of three, and it's tinkle, tinkle, tinkle and out to the car. One, two, three, and... All:
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
