Dame Hilda: Do you have to do that, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Do I have to do, what, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Do you have to whistle through your teeth?

Dr. Hinge: No, no, I don't have to. {whistles.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: What's the matter now?

Dame Hilda: You know what they say about women who whistle, don't you?  A whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for god nor men.

Dr. Hinge: And what do you imagine that's supposed to mean?

Dame Hilda: I'm not sure to tell you the truth, but I was taught it at school, and I've never whistled since. And another thing, do you know that if you constantly pucker your lips as one does when whistling, you can permanently distort and distend your mouth? That's how the elephant got its trunk.

Dr. Hinge: What? Through whistling?

Dame Hilda: Yes, that's right.

Dr. Hinge: You do talk some rubbish Hilda, anyway an elephants trunk isn't its mouth, it's its nose.

Dame Hilda: I am not a fool, Evadne, I'm merely explaining how it got its trunk, it's because it wouldn't stop whistling.

Dr. Hinge: You mean it whistles through it’s nose?

Dame Hilda: I mean it whistles through its mouth, dear, just like you were doing, A little story my mother used to tell.

Dr. Hinge: Oh I see, one of those, like, how the pretty baa lamb got his lovely woolly tail.

Dame Hilda: There's no need to be snooty about my mother's fairy stories, dear. Just because you were brought up on the Icelandic sagas and adventures of Eric Bloodaxe. Anyhow, the elephant got it trunk because it wouldn't stop whistling when it was told to. So the king of the jungle gave it a trunk. And now, of course, it can't whistle at all, it can only trumpet. I tell you this, Evadne, because I wouldn't like to see that happen to you, dear. Your whistling's bad enough.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, Hilda, we'll work in silence from now on, if that's what you want.

Dame Hilda: I won't say another word.

Dr. Hinge: Suits me fine.

Dame Hilda: Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: What now?

Dame Hilda: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to make sure you were still there. I do hate it when you lurk behind me like that.

Dr. Hinge: Why, are you afraid I'm suddenly going to plunge an axe into the back of your head?

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, how could you think of such a thing?

Dr. Hinge: Only too easily, I'm afraid.

Dame Hilda: As a matter of fact, I was more worried that you might be dipping into my chocolates. I hate the way you squeeze all the soft ones trying to find the hard ones.

Dr. Hinge: You're in an extremely irritating mood this morning, Hilda. I knew it was going to be a bad day when you dropped your boiled egg into the teapot.

Dame Hilda: I did not drop it in, Evadne, it fell in. And that was your fault. Who but you would put an egg in the upturned lid of the teapot, put it back on the pot and then cover it with the cosy.

Dr. Hinge: I was trying to keep it warm. You were so late down. I called you four times, you know, before I came up to get you. And found you standing on the linen basket, craning out of the bathroom window, trying to see what Naomi Mellinger was doing with the dustman in the lane.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and thanks to you, I never found out, did I? Because whatever she was doing, she did it while my back was turned talking to you. And then all I had for breakfast was a lukewarm hard boiled egg with a distinct taste of stewed Darjeeling. What are you doing behind me there?

Dr. Hinge: I'm arranging my sticky buds.

Dame Hilda: Sticky buds? Do we really have to have sticky buds? There's such unattractive things, especially the way you arrange them. It's like having a vase full of toffee apples.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's quite obvious that nothing I do today is going to be to your liking. You're really are in an impossible mood.

Dame Hilda: Are you waving your sticky buds about?

Dr. Hinge: No, I am not!

Dame Hilda: Then how are you causing all that breeze?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, if you are so keen to see what I'm doing, why don't you stop your sewing and turn around and have a look?

Dame Hilda: I would, dear, if I could turn my head. But I think I must have cricked my neck trying to see what Naomi Mellinger was doing with the dustman in the lane.

Dr. Hinge: Then it jolly well serves you right. You'd probably have broken a leg as well if I hadn't been there to catch you when you fell off the linen basket.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, are you sure you're not causing a breeze? There's a terrible draft coming from somewhere, ohh, It's hitting the back of my poor, cricked neck. You haven't got that garden window open, have you?

Dr. Hinge: No, I haven't.

Dame Hilda: And is the snake down in front of the door?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, Hilda. The snake is in front of the door.

Dame Hilda: And that bit of sticking plaster over the keyhole?

Dr. Hinge: And the sticking plaster's over the keyhole as well. The only thing open in this room is your mouth.

Dame Hilda: Well, I’d have to be jolly clever to be making a draft on the back of my own neck, wouldn't I? What do you think I am then, a ventriloquist?

Dr. Hinge: To be perfectly honest with you Hilda, I think you're a darned nuisance. That's by the by, of course.

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, do just make sure that the window is properly shut, would you? I think that's where the draught might be coming from.

Dr. Hinge: Very well. Anything for quite life, I'll check it. {Rattle.} Oh I say, you're right, you know, Hilda. It is the window, the wind's howling through it.

Dame Hilda: We'd get less cold air in if we had it open. It never used to be like that.

Dr. Hinge: This one didn't. But the one in my bedroom's been like this for ages.

Dame Hilda: So that's why you always sleep with that hood up on your duffel coat, is it? And that wind break around your bed?

Dr. Hinge: As a matter of fact, I've had old stockings stuffed around the frame for months. I'll get some down and do this one as well. I’ve got a drawer full of old stockings.

Dame Hilda: I thought you must have. Well, you never wear anything else, do you? But I'm not having your old stockings stuffed in my window frame. I wouldn't want people to think vagrants lived here. No, we'll buy some of that proper draft excluder.

Dr. Hinge: They don't make it thick enough, Hilda. You could stuff bolsters into those gaps. If we're not careful, we’ll have squirrels coming through.

Dame Hilda: But how'd you suppose it could have happened, dear? I mean, has the window shrunk or something?

Dr. Hinge: Well, either that or the frame's got bigger.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't be silly, Evadne, it was a perfectly sensible question.

Dr. Hinge: It's age, dear I'm afraid, that's all, it does take its toll.

Dame Hilda: Well, you would know, of course.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we'll probably just have to get someone to fix it. It'll probably mean a whole new window. In the meantime, we'd better make sure that no one uses it as a shortcut into the garden. I'll write a couple of notices. One to be read from the garden and one to be read from in here. Just to warn everyone.

Dame Hilda: What a good idea. Evadne? You're really so practical, aren't you? Well, what are you going to do? Write it on the glass in that white stuff the builders use. I assume you still have a bucket of it somewhere in your bedroom.

Dr. Hinge: I am going to write it on both pieces of paper, Hilda, with a felt pen. And then I am going to stick both pieces of paper to the glass with adhesive tape.

Dame Hilda: Brilliant. Superbly practical. No wonder they asked you to lay the foundation stone at the heavy goods vehicle test centre

Dr. Hinge: Do not open. There we are. Now I'll stick both of these to the window. There, that's it. Now the next thing on the agenda is to get that window repaired. We'll have to find a man.

Dame Hilda: Well, for me, dear, that's never been a problem.

Dr. Hinge: Nor, for me, since they started yellow pages.

{Tap, tap, tap!}

Dr. Hinge: I say what on earth is that tapping on that window.

Maud: Dame 'ilda, Dame 'ilda!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, heavens, it's Maud. Stop her, Hilda, before she has that window out.

Dame Hilda: All right, Evadne, leave it to me. What is it, Maud, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Is it all right to open this window, Dame 'ilda.

Dr. Hinge: Oh good heavens? What does that notice say, Maud?

Maud: It says, ah, od ton nepo, Doctor.

Dame Hilda: What did you write that on it for, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: I didn't. The stupid woman's deliberately reading the back of the wrong notice. What does the other notice say, Maud?

Maud: I 'aven't the foggiest idea, Doctor. I think it's upside down.

Dame Hilda: You really do play into her hands, don't you Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, blast the woman, here, I'll change it. There it’s the right way up now, Maud. Now, what does that say?

Maud:  It says, do not open, Doctor.

Dame Hilda: You see, Evadne, she's not so stupid, given a fair crack of the whip.

Maud: Does that mean I can't come in?

Dr. Hinge: You were saying, Hilda!

Dame Hilda: Why you flustered her, dear? It means you have to come in by the front door, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Like you usually do.

Dame Hilda: You see, this window's falling out, or in. We're not really quite sure which way it's going to go at the moment.

Maud: Right o, Dame 'ilda I'll slip round the front then.

Dr. Hinge: There, you see, Hilda? It's jolly lucky I put those notices out.

{Crash!}

Dr. Hinge: What on earth was that?

Dame Hilda: Your cold frame, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Oh!

Dame Hilda: She's just put her foot in it. Maybe you should have put a notice on that as well. Keep off the glass.

Dr. Hinge: We couldn't win, I suppose, not with her. I think we'd better hold onto that window until she's in. She's bound to slam the front door. {Slam!} So predictable.

Maud: It's all right, Dame 'ilda. Its only me.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Maud, we guessed, dear.

Maud: I'm afraid I 'ad a little accident in the garden, Dame 'ilda. Still, if you're 'aving to 'ave a new window in 'ere there's no 'arm done. Because you can put your old un in your cold frame, can't yer? That's what we done when our window come out. And you should 'ave seen my Arthur's pumpkins. It was all I could do to lift 'em.

Dame Hilda: There you are, Evadne. You can grow pumpkins. We may get you to the ball yet.

Dr. Hinge: Incidentally, Maud, who replaced your window when it came out?

Maud: My Arthur did, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Oh.

Maud: 'e nailed a sheet o' plywood over it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see and that was better, was it?

Maud: Well, it were once we got used to being in the dark. At least it weren't draughty.

Dr. Hinge: How long have you had the plywood?

Maud: Oh, not 18 months yet. It ain't 'ardly warped. But as soon as my Arthur's got a minute, we're going to 'ave double grazin' right through, even the outside lavvy.

Dame Hilda: That's an idea, you know, Evadne? Double glazing. Naomi Mellinger had double glazing installed last year. And she says that this year she's been able to walk about without a stitch on, even in the depths of the winter.

Dr. Hinge: Well, she always did that anyway. That's why she's the only person around here who can get a regular window cleaner.

Maud: My Arthur says, we'll be able to walk about like that when we've got our double grazin' in. Like you see em on the telly.

Dame Hilda: Well, if that's the way his mind's working, dear, then I think I'd hang on to my plywood.

Maud: Well, Dame 'ilda, I think I'd best be getting on then. As soon as I've got that broken glass up, I'll make us all a nice pot o' tea.

Dame Hilda: Very well then, Maud. Thank you. There was a leaflet came only the other morning from some new double glazing firm that opened up in the Parva. I think I stuck it behind the clock. Yes, yes, here we are. I’ll give them a ring. I mean, at least we can get an estimate.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, good idea.

Dame Hilda: You know, we should have done this years again. Just think how much you'd have saved in thermal underwear. Ah, they're answering. Yes, yes, good morning. This is Dame Hilda Bracket… Bracket, dear... No, not Crackett. Bracket. B.R.A. No. No,  A, dear... Yes, that's right. Like the ‘orses eat, yes. Yes, you've got it. B-R-A-C-K-E-T. And it's Hilda... H-I-L-D. Well I want to be double glazed…. Now, there's no need for that…. I can always go to Everest, you know. To it, not up it... Yes, will you just ask your Mr. Berrenson to phone me when he gets back. The number's in the book. Thank you, okay. They're going to call back, dear. Well, what shall we do while we're waiting?

Dr. Hinge: Well, um,

Dame Hilda: I know. We can always sing a song, shall we? Anything interesting on the piano, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, let's see. Oh. Happy days are here again.

Dame Hilda: Well, for all we know, they might be. It'll probably be a bit draughty, at the keyboard. You'd better put your mittens on. I'll stand over here and jump up and down.

Dr. Hinge: I wouldn't if I were you, dear. That might finish the window off.

Dame Hilda: Perhaps we shouldn't sing.

Dr. Hinge: I don't see why not. Unless you're planning to be even more raucous than usual.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I won't be raucous if you don't thump. Kindly play.

Happy days are here again

The skies above are clear again

Let’s sing a song of cheer again

Happy days are here again

All together, shout it now

There's no one who can doubt it now

So tell the world about it now

Happy days are here again.

Your cares and troubles are gone

There'll be no more from now on

Happy days are here again

The skies above are clear again

Let us sing a song of cheer again

Happy days are here again

So long sad times

So long bad times

We are rid of you at last

Howdy gay times

Cloudy grey times.

You are now a thing of the past

Oh, happy days are here again

The skies above are clear again

Let us sing a song of cheer again

Happy days are here again

All together, shout it now

There's no one who can doubt it now

So tell the world about it now

Happy days are here again.

Your cares and troubles are gone

There'll be no more for now on

Happy days are here again

The skies above are clear again

Let’s sing a song of cheer again

Happy days are here again

Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha!  Oh, I say, dear, that was fun, wasn't it? Do you know, Evadne? I think it's uncricked my neck.

Dr. Hinge: I'm not surprised the way you were tossing your curls about.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: Ah, that’ll be the double glazing people calling back, I expect.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'll deal with them this time, Hello? What? No, this is not Dame Hilda Bracket…. No, no, no, you haven't got the wrong number…. Well, I don't see what it's got to do with you, dear, but I happen to be a very old friend of hers…

Dame Hilda: Very old!

Dr. Hinge: Be quiet!  Dr. Evadne Hinge. What? H. Oh for heavens sake what does it matter? Now,  if you've got a message just give it to me….  Yes. Yes... Mm-hmm. That'll be fine. Thank you very much. Goodbye. And that's G-O-O. Well, would you believe it? She’s put the phone down. Anyhow, their Mr. Berrenson will be here about noon.

Dame Hilda: Then, our problem is solved, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Not if that girl is anything to go by it isn't.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I expect their Mr. Berrenson will be all right. After all, dear, he'll be an expert.

{Later.}

Berrenson:  Now I give up the milk round a couple of weeks back and thought I'd have a crack at this lark instead. Well, I mean, I don't have to get up so early in the mornings, do I? Now, look, I've had a look at your windows. You've got 21 of them, haven't you?

Dame Hilda: Have we, dear? But to tell you the truth, I've never counted them.

Berrenson: Yeah, 21. I've seen greenhouses with less.

Dame Hilda: No wonder we can't we can't get a regular window cleaner.

Dr. Hinge: Especially when you refuse to pay him more than a pound.

Berrenson: Hey, I say, talking about window cleaners. My window cleaner, told me a good un the other day. You see, there's these two cannibals, see. And one cannibal 'e says to the other. I don't like my mother-in-law. And the other one says, well, just eat the chips.

Dr. Hinge: Your window cleaner must be knocking on. Are you sure he should be up a ladder?

Berrenson: Is that an old one?  Oh, of cause. You two was in the business, weren't you?

Dame Hilda: Well, we weren't red nosed comics, dear.

Berrenson: Well, look, 'ere did you hear the one about the Australian? 'e bought 'imself a new boomerang, and 'e nearly drove 'imself mad, trying to throw the old one away.

Dame Hilda: I don't remember you telling all these terrible jokes when you were our milkman.

Berrenson: Oh, no. but if it goes with the job, don't it? You see, the jokes are supposed to soften you up, so you'll be more receptive to my sales pitch.

Dame Hilda: What sales pitch? I might remind you that we asked you to call. We want double glazing

Dr. Hinge: And so, perhaps you'll be good enough to dispense with the jokes, and tell us how much it's going to cost us.

Berrenson: I'll tell you exactly. To do the whole house, and including VAT 6,521 pounds, fifty p.

Dame Hilda: What?

Berrenson: You see, you do need softening up, now. did you hear the one about the crowd of ostriches all standing around with their 'eds in the sand. Suddenly, ostrich pops 'is head out, looks round and says, where's everybody gone?

Dame Hilda: 6,521 pounds, 50.

Berrenson: Well, perhaps I didn't tell it right.

Dame Hilda: This house only cost us a thousand.

Berrenson:  Yeah, well, It ain't got double glazing 'as it. Double glazing adds value to your property. I mean, just think of the advantages. Apart from rendering the ‘ouse draught free, cutting down your fuel bills, and providing you with increased warmth. It means you can sit in your 'elicopter out on your lawn and not 'ear Ted Moult, shouting at yer.

Dr. Hinge: Suppose we had just the downstairs done.

Dame Hilda: Practical as ever, Evadne?

Berrenson: Yeah, just the downstairs right now. Just give us a couple of ticks alone with my little calculator, and I will tell you 2,500.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that saved us 4,000. So step in the right direction.

Berrenson: Mind, if you're thinking of spending 2,500?

Dame Hilda: I'm not.

Berrenson: Oh, just 'ear me out, will you? I am 'ere to 'elp you and advise you and what I was about to say was that for very little more than 2,500. You could 'ave secondary double glazing throughout the whole 'ouse.

Dame Hilda: I don't want any seconds.

Dr. Hinge:  No, no, no, no, not seconds, Hilda, no, secondary. It means they just double glaze the inside.

Dame Hilda: And what happens outside? That's where the draughts come from.

Dr. Hinge: They leave the windows we've already got outside and put another sheet of glass inside.

Dame Hilda: Well, that's no good. The windows we've got are falling out.

Berrenson: I'll tell you what. You don't 'ave to have all the windows done. Not even downstairs. You can do it bit by bit. Just 'ave a few done for start.

Dame Hilda: How few?

Berrenson: As few as you like.

Dame Hilda: Can we have just the one done?

Berrenson:  Well, if that's what you want. Right, one window, full DG. You can always do the other 20 later and just pray for warm winters. Well, uh, let's see now. That will cost you just 300 pounds.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, let's splash out. We can go halves. I've still got the money mother gave me at Christmas to spend on myself.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I noticed you hadn't spent it.

Dr. Hinge: And it'll be well worth it. I mean, once that window is double glazed, it won't be so easy for all and sundry to clamber in and out of it going to and from the garden.

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne. I've just had a brainwave. Supposing we have that window made into a door.

Berrenson: A door?.

Dame Hilda: We'll have a door put in. Oh, I'm so sorry we've wasted your time, dear.

Berrenson: What do you mean? Wasted my time?

Dame Hilda: Well, we don't need your windows after all, do we?

Berrenson: It's not on, you now.  I mean, I've gotta live. You're the sort who can break a salesman's ‘eart and spirit.

Dame Hilda: Well, don't take on so, dear. You don't do doors, do you? You do double glazing.

Berrenson:  We do do double glazed doors. We'll do double glazed rabbit ‘utches if that's what you want.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, Mr. Berrenson, you shall have our business.

Berrenson: Oh, thanks ever so much.

Dr. Hinge:  And I tell you what, Mr. Berrenson, we'll throw in a little something extra.

Dame Hilda: What are you going to throw in, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I've decided that with some of mother's money, I am going to have a fully double glazed window in my bedroom.