Dr. Hinge: If you don't get a move on we'll not be in Scotland this side of Easter.

Dame Hilda: It's alright, Evadne, I'm nearly ready.

 Dr. Hinge: And about time, too.

Dame Hilda: Does this blouse look all right to you?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, not again, that's the fifth different blouse you’ve tried on this morning.

Dame Hilda: I'm not asking you to count them, just to tell me if it looks all right.

Dr. Hinge: It looks fine, I mean, what do you want me to say that it looks rotten?

Dame Hilda: Rotten? this is a beautiful blouse. I think it's one of the nicest blouses I’ve got, in fact, it's really far too nice to wear in the car. But I do want to look nice when I arrive and I don't really think any of my other blouses, lovely though they are, are quite as nice as this one. Oh, what shall I do, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well faced with a problem of such terrifying magnitude, I think there's only one thing you can do.

Dame Hilda: What's that?

Dr. Hinge: Shoot yourself.

Dame Hilda: You're so unsympathetic. Just because you go around looking like a loosely tied sack of spinach.

Dr. Hinge: Now, which of these cases are you taking with you?

Dame Hilda: I'm taking them all.

Dr. Hinge: All nine?

Dame Hilda: All ten! My vanity case is still in the bathroom, with my sponge bag, my hair dryer, my carmen rollers, my travelling iron and my hot water bottle.

Dr. Hinge: And which case are you putting those in?

Dame Hilda: Well, I wondered if you had any room, dear, or is your kit bag full?

Dr. Hinge: My one suit case is very full, and that's mainly with your things. What are you taking in all those cases?

Dame Hilda: Oh, just bare necessities. Small selection of day and evening wear, which I've squeezed into the matching set of five garment carriers. The gray case is full of thin woollies, the tan one is full of thick woollies, the two-tone expandable one is full of well...woolly- woollies. And the blue cabin trunk’s got all my furs in, just in case we decide to step outdoors for a moment.

Dr. Hinge: We're not going to the North Pole, you know.

Dame Hilda: Well, we're going nearer to it than I've ever been before.

Dr. Hinge: You're taking more warm clothing than Scott took to the Antarctic.

Dame Hilda: Well, I want to come back.

Dr. Hinge: Well let's hope we can get all that luggage in the car.

Dame Hilda: We will, if you carry your case and my overnight bag on your lap.

Dr. Hinge: Now, which one of these is your overnight bag?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's none of these, dear, it's down in the hall. Now, are you taking a little gift of some sort for your mother?

Dr. Hinge: No, I'll get something from the front garden on the way out.

Dame Hilda: Well, we certainly won't have room for the bird bath.

Dr. Hinge: I'll pick her a bunch of flowers or something.

Dame Hilda: What flowers do you expect to find out there at this time of year?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I can take her a bunch of holly.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that would be a treat, there's not a berry on it, the birds have eaten all the berries.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, mother won't mind she doesn't eat them herself. Anyway, why should I take her a gift? We're only going for a couple of days, less if she irritates me.

Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, that is not the attitude. By inviting us to the castle, your mother is holding an olive branch out to you, you really must resist the temptation to snatch it out of her hand and swipe her round the face with it.

Dr. Hinge: She still treats me exactly the same as she did when I was a child?

Dame Hilda: You mean she hands you a slingshot and sends you out hunting dinosaurs? Ha ha ha!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you have spent the last four weeks talking me into undertaking this journey, but if you persist in braying like a jackass, I may yet change my mind and not go.

Dame Hilda: Sorry, sorry, just my little joke, dear. Oh, now, have you phoned the cattery just to see if the cats have settled in all right?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, Mrs. Nicholson says they're very happy and they send their love.

Dame Hilda: Oh, how sweet of them. Have you turned the gas off?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Have you turned the electricity off?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Have you turned the water off?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, you can turn it on again. I must wash my hands before we go.

{In car.}

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne, you haven't got the thermos handy have you?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, why do you ask?

Dame Hilda: Shall we stop for a cup, I'm gasping?

Dr. Hinge: Well, let's get out of the front drive first.

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: What are you stopping for now?

Dame Hilda: Well, according to that sign we've just passed we're over the border. And as we're now in Scotland, I'm going to put on my Tam o' Shanter and my plaid shawl.

Dr. Hinge: If you do, Hilda, I'm going straight back to Stackton. I refuse to arrive at the castle with you looking like a cheap advertisement for porridge oats.

Dame Hilda: Spoil sport!.

Dr. Hinge: For goodness sake, put your foot down or we'll never get there.

 {Castle.}

Dr. Hinge: At last, I thought we'd never make it.

Dame Hilda: Oh, better safe than sorry dear.

Dr. Hinge: Now, turn left here and be careful it's very narrow. The main entrance is just across the courtyard. 

Dame Hilda: It's jolly dark, isn't it? And it's awfully quiet.

Dr. Hinge: Mother will soon put an end to that. Now, come on, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Coming, coming!

Dr. Hinge: I'll take my suit case, you take your overnight bag and we'll leave the rest in the car, old Angus can get it out later.

Dame Hilda: Old Angus, is he one of the Aberdeen Angus's?

Dr. Hinge: Angus Cameron is an old family retainer, there's been a Cameron at Castle Hinge since 1545.

Dame Hilda: And I suppose you've known them all.

Dr. Hinge: Come on, let's go into the Valley of Death. {Rings bell.} 'Send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it's tolls for thee'

Dame Hilda: Well, if you feel like that about it, you should've knocked.

Angus: Aye?…

Dr. Hinge: Angus?

Angus: Aye?…

Dr. Hinge: It's me.

Angus: And who are you?...

Dr. Hinge: Don't you recognise me?

Angus: No!...

Dame Hilda: You do get a big welcome, don't you? Talk about the prodigal returns.

Dr. Hinge: It's me, Evadne.

Angus: Why, it's never wee Mona?

Dr. Hinge:  I don't want any of that Mona nonsense!

Angus: Why, come along in, child, come along in, and bring your pretty wee friend with you.

Dame Hilda: He's nice, isn't he?

Angus: They're here, madam, young Mona and her friend have arrived.

Maureen: All right, I'm coming. Mona, Hilda, how lovely to see you both.

Dame Hilda: Hello, Maureen, dear.

Dr. Hinge: So, you were expecting us, were you, mother?

Maureen: Of course I was, dear, were you thinking I'd put up flags and hire a pipe band?

Dr. Hinge: No, I just thought you might have put the outside lights on.

Maureen: Och, Angus, are the outside lights not on?

Angus: I dinna ken I've no been oot.

Maureen: Angus, I told you to make sure those lights were on.

Angus: Oh, aye! now you mention it I do seem to recall your saying something of the sort, but then you told me to do something else and that must have put it clean out of mah heed.

Maureen: What else was it I told you to do?

Angus: Ah canna mind.

Maureen: Well, did you do it?

Angus: I dinna ken.

Maureen: Well, if it was anything important, I suppose we'll find out soon enough. All right, Angus, you may take the girls bags to their rooms and watch you don't get lost?

Angus: Very well, madam.

Maureen: Oh, he's such an old fool. His memory's gone completely or so he'd have me believe. You know, when I arrived here from Mexico last week he wouldn't let me in, he swore he'd never seen me in his life before.

Dame Hilda: Still, good servants are hard to come by, dear, aren't they?

Dr. Hinge: We should know, we're stuck with Maud.

Maureen: Luckily Hilda I don't have to rely on Angus. His son and daughter-in-law live down in the village and they come up every day to do whatever's necessary, if he'll let them in.

Dame Hilda: Well, despite everything, you're looking very well, Maureen. It’s awfully kind of you to invite us, isn't it Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, kind to invite us? This is my home!

Maureen: I'm surprised you remember where it was. It's so long, since you were here.

Dr. Hinge: It's not that long.

Maureen: It's 20 years.

Dr. Hinge: You do exaggerate mother, it's 19. Anyway, we see plenty of each other, you visit us at the old manse often enough.

Maureen: I visit the old manse about once every two years.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that's often enough.

Dame Hilda: Well we're here now, Maureen, and that's the main thing, isn't it?

Maureen: You're right, Hilda, it is. Now, I've put Hilda in the Kilbride room, Mona, if you'd like to take her up?

Dr. Hinge: Very well.

Maureen: And when you're ready, I'll be in the long drawing room, my dears. We'll have a wee dram and a good old natter before our dinner, or perhaps you'd prefer tea or coffee Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear, no. I'm already awash with tea and coffee. Well, come on, Evadne. Show me to my room. And then we can all meet together for a wee drappie o't, as they say. Ha ha ha!

{Upstairs.}

Dr. Hinge: There we are, Hilda. The Kilbride room!

Dame Hilda: I say it is imposing, what a huge four poster bed. I do hope I shall be able to find myself in the morning.

Dr. Hinge: You're very honoured to be in this room, Bonnie Prince Charlie used it after the Battle of Falkirk in 1746.

Dame Hilda: Did he now?

Dr. Hinge: And Mary Queen of Scots slept here on more than one occasion.

Dame Hilda: I thought she might have done. What about Rob Roy?

Dr. Hinge: What about him?

Dame Hilda: Well, didn't he ever sleep here?

Dr. Hinge: Of course he didn't. Rob Roy was an outlaw! 

Dame Hilda: Do you know there's always been a snobbish streak in your family? And did they all sleep in that bed?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no. mother bought that bed at Heals just after the war, the original four poster fell to bits.

Dame Hilda: I'm not surprised seeing as so many weighty people slept in it. Now, where has Angus put my case?

Dr. Hinge: He might have put it in the wardrobe there.

Dame Hilda: Oh, oh, Evadne! What is that huge black furry thing doing in the corner?

Dr. Hinge: It's not doing anything, it's stuffed.

Dame Hilda: It's a bear.

Dr. Hinge: Quite the little zoologist, aren't we?

Dame Hilda: But it's taller than I am.

Dr. Hinge: The only bears that aren't are teddy bears.

Dame Hilda: What's it doing in here?

Dr. Hinge: It lives here.

Dame Hilda: My goodness, you are a peculiar family. Well, I don't want to be difficult, dear, but I'll never be able to sleep knowing that that thing is standing staring at me.

Dr. Hinge: Then throw a sheet over it.

Dame Hilda: You're joking, if I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a ten foot high white shape standing in the corner, I’d probably have probably have a heart attack.

Dr. Hinge: Well, suppose I turn it to the wall so it's got its back to you?

Dame Hilda: No. It would look as if it was doing a naughty in the corner!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, all right then. I'll get old Angus to move it out.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear, I would appreciate it. I say Evadne, my case isn't in this wardrobe.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, for goodness sake, where has old Angus got to with it? I'll have to go and track him down. Meanwhile, you'll find soap, towels, et cetera in the bathroom there.

Dame Hilda: Oh, we're en suite, are we?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, were you expecting to have to wash under the pump?

Dame Hilda: Well, with you one never knows.

Dr. Hinge: We've also got central heating. So as I told you, you needn't have packed quite so many, Woollies. Now, is there anything else you need immediately?

Dame Hilda: No, I'm fine, dear. I have my make up in my handbag and I'll change later on.

Dr. Hinge: You don't need to change. I'm not going to.

Dame Hilda: You never do. Not from one week to another.

Dr. Hinge: It's a Hinge family tradition, Hilda. We never dress for dinner on someone's first night home.

Dame Hilda: Really, why?

Dr. Hinge: Because it isn't worth the trouble. We usually end up rowing and retiring to our beds long before dinner is served.

Dame Hilda: Well, you better not do that tonight, I'm starving.

Dr. Hinge: Then keep your fingers crossed. Now, I'm going to find Angus and then I'm going to my room.

Dame Hilda: Where is your room?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, right at the top of the west tower, why?

Dame Hilda: Can I have a look at it?

Dr. Hinge: No, it's not open to the public.

Dame Hilda: If it's the room in which you spent your childhood I'd love to have a quick peep.

Dr. Hinge: All right, if you don't mind climbing 150 steps up a spiral stone staircase with a candle in your hand?

Dame Hilda: Well, perhaps tomorrow then, I may feel a little more energetic then.

Dr. Hinge: Right, I'm off. I'll see you in the drawing room. And if you're there before me, do remind mother I'm old enough for whisky now, so if she's bought me a sherbet dip she can stick it in a drawer.

{Drawing room.}

Maureen: Well, Hilda, here's to us, my dear, slange var.

Dame Hilda: Cheers, Maureen.

Maureen: Did you have much difficulty persuading old misery guts to come?

Dame Hilda: None at all. dear, she jumped at the chance. She's talked of nothing else for weeks.

Maureen: Oh, aye. Mind, you're a good influence on her, Hilda, is she getting any softer in her old age?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, I sometimes think she's getting harder, she's certainly getting harder to live with, but she has not such a bad old stick, her heart is in the right place.

Maureen: Aye, it's her mouth that isn't, shush! she's coming.

Dr. Hinge: Mother?

Maureen: Yes, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Why have you put a plate of gingerbread men by my bed and my wee willie winkie nightie out?

Maureen: Well, you were always very fond of your wee willie winkie nightie, Mona.

Dr. Hinge: When I was about five, I'm hardly likely to get into it by now.

Dame Hilda: What a shame, I'd loved to have seen you in your wee willie winkie nightie.

Maureen: I wasn't expecting you to wear it dear. I just thought you might be pleased to know that I'd kept it all these years. And you've not taken against gingerbread men, have you?

Dame Hilda: She's taken against men of all sorts, Maureen, she prefers toads these days.

Maureen: Is that so? then for lunch tomorrow she shall have toad the hole!

Dr. Hinge: I see you two have been at the malt whisky already.

Maureen: Don't worry, dear, you've not been forgotten there's a glass here already poured for you. Now, come over and sit beside mother, there's no need to pull a face like that.

Dame Hilda: Oh, she's not pulling a face Maureen, that's her natural expression nowadays.

Maureen: Incidentally, Mona, I've got a wee surprise for you. Who'd you think I bumped into in town yesterday?

Dr. Hinge: Who?

Maureen: Guess!

Dr. Hinge: Don't be silly, mother, it could have been anyone.

Maureen: It was Dougal McDougal.

Dr. Hinge: Dougal McDougal?

Maureen: Aye, he's a widower now, and he's retired from the feather factory, he's longing to see you again.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm not longing to see him.

Maureen: You're not?

Dr. Hinge: No, I'm jolly well not.

Maureen: Oh, now that's a shame because I've invited him up.

Dr. Hinge: You haven't, mother?

Maureen: Well, he should be here any minute, I've invited him for dinner, I thought you'd be pleased to see him again.

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry Maureen, but who is Dougal McDougal?

Maureen: He and Mona were childhood sweethearts.

Dr. Hinge: We were nothing of the sort, I once let him oil the wheels of my roller skates, and he followed me round ever afterwards with an oil can in his hand.

Maureen: You two always got on like a house on fire.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, every time you let him in, I had to put him out.

Dame Hilda: Aren't childhood crushes funny. When I was about 13, our gardeners boy had a terrible crush on me, every time I walked by the kitchen garden he threw cucumbers at me over the wall. I had to put a stop to it, of course, you see, his passion grew stronger and he moved up to marrows. Just getting a tiny bit dangerous.

Dr. Hinge: Dougal McDougal, honestly, mother and you wonder why I don't come here more often. If I wasn't so hungry, I'd give dinner a miss.

Angus: Excuse me, madam.

Maureen: Yes, Angus.

Angus: I have a gentleman outside who claims that he was invited to dinner here tonight. But he has neither a written invitation nor a proper visiting card, and he's wearing a cloth cap and bicycle clips.

Dame Hilda: Ah, that sounds like one of Evadne's admirers

Maureen: It's all right, Angus. It's Mr. McDougal, he's expected, I reminded you earlier that we'd be four for dinner.

Angus: Oh, aye, I seem to remember you saying something of the sort, I'll lay another place. That's what I must have been going to do when you told me to do whatever it was you said I forgot to do earlier. Now, let me see, what have I got to do now? Oh aye, lay another setting, move the bear, lay another setting, move the bear.

Maureen: The bear? Oh, Hilda, that blessed bear was never in your room when you went up, was it?

Dame Hilda: It was, dear, yes, all ten feet of it.

Maureen: Oh, I'm so sorry, I knew you'd not want that thing staring at you, I told the old fool to move that out first thing this morning.

Dame Hilda: How very thoughtful of you, dear. Thank you, he's obviously got it on his list now,

Dr. Hinge: I don't what you’ve all got against that poor bear, I like it.

Dame Hilda: Why don't you have it in your room?

Dr. Hinge: It's only a small room, anyway, I've already got its mate in there.

Dougal: Excuse me, Maureen, but is it all right if I come in?

Maureen: Dougal, of course it is, dear, come along, did Angus not tell you?

Dougal: No, no, he just wandered right past me muttering something about setting a place and moving a bear.

Maureen:  Oh, that man's becoming quite impossible.

Dougal: And its a cold night outside too it’s trying to snow.

Maureen: Well, come and warm yourself, dear, and I’ll introduce you. This is Mona’s friend Dame Hilda Bracket.

Dame Hilda: Hello, Dougal.

Dougal: Oh, this is a great pleasure, Dame Hilda, a very great pleasure, a very great pleasure indeed.

Dame Hilda: How kind of you to say so dear, how very kind.

Maureen: Now look who's here Dougal, it's Mona.

Dougal: Hello, Mona.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Dougal.

Dougal: It's been a long time.

Dr. Hinge: Hasn’t it?

Dougal: How have you been keeping?

Dr. Hinge: Fine.

Dougal: So have I?

Dr. Hinge: Good:

Dougal: So, you've been keeping well?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dougal: And fine?

Dr. Hinge:  Yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, they haven't got a great deal to say to each other after all these years, have they?

Maureen: Perhaps a good dinner will loosen their tongues.

{Dining room.}

Maureen: Well, isn't this nice? Ah, dinner, and later perhaps Mona will play for us.

Dr. Hinge: I might.

Dougal: How about some of the old songs?.

Dame Hilda: Well, you're safe there, dear, she doesn't know any new ones.

Maureen: Well, come along, everybody. Mona, lead the way.

Dougal: Would you like to take my arm into dinner, Mona?

Dr. Hinge: No, I wouldn't. You can jolly well take your own arm in.

Dame Hilda:  My goodness, Maureen, he does have a curious effect on her, she's just made a joke.

Maureen: Ha, ha, ha!

Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge:

It was there we used to gaither floowas in {something}