A Trip To The Castle (Part 2).

Dame Hilda: Until recently, I had never set eyes on the place where Evadne was born. I knew of course that it was a castle. I knew it was in Scotland. And I had always envisaged a bleak, stony keep perched on an outcrop of rock in the middle of a blasted heath, with ravens on the ramparts and man eating salmon in the moat. And scratched somewhere in the stonework above the portcullis, probably with a wild boar's tooth and probably by Evadne herself. The words abandon hope all ye who enter here. I'd seen it in fact as a cross between Chez Macbeth and Chez Dracula. However, last January we both visited the castle to stay a few days and to celebrate Burns night with Evadne's mother Maureen. And I was relieved to find that it was warm, comfortable and furnished with all mod cons. I slept like a log that first night after our long drive north. And I would have slept a lot longer had it not been for Evadne.

{Door knocks.}

Dame Hilda: Snores!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Hilda! I’ve brought you a cup of tea.

Dame Hilda: Snore!!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda!!

Dame Hilda: Not again, Ernesto, please. What?

Dr. Hinge:  Are you awake?

Dame Hilda: I am wide awake!

Dr. Hinge: Then open your eyes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, honestly.

Dr. Hinge: And the other one.

Dame Hilda: What time is it?

Dr. Hinge:  It’s nearly nine. I’ll open the curtains shall I?

Dame Hilda: If you must but slowly, dear, very very slowly.

Dr. Hinge: There we are then! 

Dame Hilda: What's it doing out there?

Dr. Hinge: It's snowing again. As you would see if you brought your head out from under the blanket.

Dame Hilda: Oh, so it is, actually this room does feel a bit chilly, switch the electric fire on would you dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, if you want money for the meter my purse is on the dressing table.

Dr. Hinge: Don’t be ridiculous. But you remember last night just after dinner all the lights went off.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Dr. Hinge:  And then they came back on again?

Dame Hilda: Yes, and then they all went off again and we all went to bed.

Dr. Hinge: That's right. Well they still haven't come back on.

Dame Hilda: So where does that leave us?

Dr. Hinge: Up the loch without a paddle! We've got no electricity.

Dame Hilda: Has there been a catastrophe?

Dr. Hinge: Well it's not Armageddon if that's what you mean. But there was very heavy snow overnight and it must have brought the power lines down. However we can't check, do you see, because the phone's not working?

Dame Hilda: What you're really trying to tell me is that I can't have my electric fire on isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Well that's the nub of it, yes.

Dame Hilda: Well it doesn't bother me one jot or tittle. I'll be perfectly happy, as long as the central heating's working alright.

Dr. Hinge: It isn't.

Dame Hilda: What?

Dr. Hinge: Ah, ha! that's woken you up alright, hasn't it? The central heating is off.

Dame Hilda: Well is there any hot water? I must have my bath.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, until old Angus manages to get a fire going. The only hot thing in this entire establishment is your cup of tea. So you have a choice, you can drink it, warm your hands in it, or have a bath in it.

Dame Hilda: If we've got hot water for tea.

Dr. Hinge: We haven't. I boiled that water myself in a billy can on the primus stove in my bedroom. And I've now used the last of the paraffin that we've been saving for emergencies ever since Hitler came to power.

Dame Hilda: I'm touched.

Dr. Hinge: You needn't be. It was mother's idea. I'm at home now and to keep the peace I do just as I’m told.

Dame Hilda: Well there's no need to look so miserable about it. It's not for long. Anyway I thought your mother said the central heating used oil.

Dr. Hinge: It does, but it needs electricity to work the pump.

Dame Hilda: Can't you work the pump?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I’m not going into a technical dissertation on oil fired central heating. Suffice to say it is off, and I’ve broken it to you gently as instructed.

Dame Hilda: Thank goodness I brought all my winter woollies with me. And you scoffed, you told me I wouldn't need them.

Dr. Hinge: I said you wouldn't need three suitcases full.

Dame Hilda: Well it sounds rather as if I might. Incidentally where are the rest of my cases? Where's my cabin trunk with all my furs in? I thought old Angus was going to fetch them in last night.

Dr. Hinge: Well he was, but he forgot.

Dame Hilda: So why didn't he bring them in this morning?

Dr. Hinge: Because he hasn't found the car yet.

Dame Hilda: But it's out there in the courtyard right beside the hedge.

Dr. Hinge: He can't find the hedge either, there's been heavy drifting, you see. However I've left Dougal out there prodding about in the snow with the broom handle.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do hope he doesn't damage my paintwork.

Dr. Hinge: Don't worry. He's more likely to lose the broom than to find the car.

Dame Hilda: And what about the Burn's night supper dance down in the village tonight? Shall we be able to get to that?

Dr. Hinge: Not unless you've brought your skis, we're completely cut off, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh what a shame. I've never been to a Burn's night supper. And I was so looking forward to seeing you dancing the Gay Gordons with Dougal. Incidentally how is your old flame this morning?

Dr. Hinge: The same as he was last night, very irritating, and he is not an old flame.

Dame Hilda: That's not what Maureen says.

Dr. Hinge: Mother is a troublemaker. And I can't think why she asked him to stay, she should’ve let him go straight home after dinner last night when I told him too.

Dame Hilda: And now I suppose his bicycle's buried.

Dr. Hinge: I don't want to talk about it. Now, we're holding a council of war in the long drawing room at ten o'clock to review the situation and to allocate tasks. So I suggest you get up, jump into a nice cold bath, have a brisk run around the room to get your circulation going again, put your overcoat on and join us.

Dame Hilda: I can see this is going to be a lovely day.

{Long drawing room.}

Maureen: Right, before we start our meeting, does anybody want more toast? Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no thank you Maureen. That was a lovely breakfast, that's all I ever have at home, you know, toast and marmalade.

Dr. Hinge: Plus half a grapefruit, a slice of grilled bacon, scrambled egg, a mushroom or two, a grilled tomato, and about six cups of tea.

Dame Hilda: Go on, make your mother feel guilty.

Maureen: Don't worry Hilda. The only thing she ever makes me feel guilty about is having brought her into the world in the first place. Now, you'll have some more toast, won't you Dougal?

Dougal:  Oh no no no, thank you Maureen, I've already had twice as much as anybody else.

Dr. Hinge: Trust you! And no more for me mother, thank you.

Maureen: I do wish I could have given you a proper breakfast Hilda. But hopefully we'll get a hot lunch, if Angus can get the old kitchen range working again. Mind, I'm not promising, it's been boarded up for donkeys years.

Dame Hilda: It's quite alright, Maureen. I'm lovely and warm at the moment.

Dr. Hinge: So you should be! You're sitting right over the fire, you've had two large whiskies, and you're wearing more woollies than the rest of us put together.

Dame Hilda: Well, I asked you if you wanted to borrow any when Dougal brought them in, and you turned your nose up.

Dr. Hinge: I did not.

Maureen: If it's taken to turning up of its own volition, Mona, I suggest suggest you go and have it looked at.

Dr. Hinge: You do all talk such nonsense?

Dame Hilda: Incidently, Dougal. I haven't thanked you properly for rescuing my cases have I dear

Dougal: No, it was nothing, Hilda, once the car was dug out it was just a matter of getting them out of the boot.

Dame Hilda: Well it was awfully kind of you to dig the car out.

Dougal: No, credit where credit is due, Mona dug the car out.

Dr. Hinge: And I dug you out as well, more than once.

Dame Hilda: No wonder you didn't want to borrow a woollie. Not that my designer knitwear would really suit you, dear. You look far more at home in your fisherman smock with eat more cod across the chest.

Dr. Hinge: You stay where you are.

Maureen: You'll both stay where you are clearing the yard does not have a very high priority on my agenda.

Angus: Excuse me Madam.

Maureen: Ah, Angus, good. I thought you might have forgotten.

Angus: Forgotten what?

Maureen: Our little meeting.

Angus: What meeting?

Maureen: Angus, do you not remember me telling you that we were going to hold a council of war at which I wanted you to report on the state of the kitchen range?

Angus: No. But that's what I've come to tell you about, the state of the kitchen range.

Maureen: I sometimes wonder if it’s you going off your head or me. Anyway what is the state of the kitchen range?

Angus: Terrible!

Dame Hilda: Oh well, bye bye, nice hot lunch.

Angus: But nothing that cannae be put to rights.

Dame Hilda: Oh, hello again, nice hot lunch.

Maureen: Things could be looking up, Hilda. We may not be able to get to the village but with luck we'll be able to give you a Burn's night supper, hey, Angus?

Angus: Aye, but I warn you that machine burns coal faster than the Mauritania. And I'll be needing all the coal I can get. So you'll no be minding if I take yon coal scuttle with me.

Dr. Hinge: Now, just a minute, Angus, we've run out of logs. If you take our coal what do you expect us to burn on this fire here?

Angus: Well, I have heard that during the terrible winter of 1814 when this castle was cut off for 40 days and 40 nights. Your great great great great grandfather was reduced to putting the furniture on that very hearth. And to this day we've been short of chairs.

Dougal: Short of chairs? There's plenty of chairs. In fact I've always thought you'd rather a lot of chairs.

Angus: Aye, but no so many as we did.

Maureen: Pay no attention to the old fool. You'll only encourage him. Anyway there's no shortage of wood, we're surrounded by trees.

Angus: Aye, planted by the same Torrence Hinge himself in the blessed spring of 1815. In order that his descendants might never have to suffer the humiliation of asking their guests to put their chairs on the fire.

Maureen: Oh, take your scuttle and get back to your range, man. Or we'll be celebrating Burns night with no supper at all. You can leave us to gather our own wood.

Angus: Thank you madam.

Maureen: Oh, you see what I mean about him, Hilda. He can remember every detail of something that happened in 1814. Yet he can't remember what it told him half an hour ago.

Dame Hilda: Well they switch off, dear, Evadne’s just the same. She only remembers what she wants to. Like when it's my turn to pay the milk bill.

Dr. Hinge: Well if we're not going to have our meeting I'm going.

Dougal: Oh, may I come with you this time, Mona?

Dr. Hinge: No you may not. Not where I'm going.

Maureen: Dougal, I suggest that you go and see Angus and ask him to let you have a couple of saws, the axe and some wood baskets. Then when Mona's been wherever it is she's going, she can join you outside and you can both start gathering wood.

Dougal: All right, Mona. To the woods, to the woods.

Dr. Hinge: Mother, one of these days I'm going to wring your neck.

Dame Hilda: I'd make the most of it if I were you, dear. It's not often you get invited to a wood choppers ball.

Maureen: Well, go on then the pair of you. Chop chop.

Dr. Hinge: Very well then, let's go Dougal, I'll see you in the courtyard. And if you cut your silly head off you needn't come crying to me.

Dougal: Oh, coming Mona.

Maureen: So, if there's no other business here I propose that we declare this meeting closed.

Dame Hilda: I'll second that.

Maureen: I don't think there's really a great deal more you or I can do at the moment.

Dame Hilda: We certainly don't want to get in anybody's way.

Maureen: So. I suggest we pull our chairs right up to the fire, make ourselves comfortable and have another wee dram to keep out the cold.

Dame Hilda: Good idea, That fire's burning a bit low isn't it, I hope those two aren't going to be long with the wood.

Maureen: So do I.

Dame Hilda: Still I suppose if the worst comes to the worst we can always burn Evadne’s chair!

{Outside.}

Dr. Hinge:  How are we doing, Dougal?

Dougal: Oh, err, not too bad. That's one basket filled with logs.

Dr. Hinge: Good. Well let's get on with it then.

Dougal: No no no, Mona, you must let me do the sawing.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, go away, I'm perfectly capable of using a saw.

Dougal: Oh well don't use that big one then. Use this one.

Dr. Hinge: And how do you suppose I'm going to get through half a fir tree using a saw meant for cutting keyholes.

Dougal: Why not leave that big branch for me to saw up later. Here's a smaller branch for you to do.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I’ll not need a saw for that, bet I can break that over my knee.

Dougal: Oh, no no no, Mona, don't even try!

Dr. Hinge: Stand back!

Dougal: Oh, do be careful, Mona, be careful.

Dr. Hinge: {Crack!} There!

Dougal: My goodness you're strong!

Dr. Hinge: When I’ve finished here I'll go and push over another of these pine trees.

Dougal: Oh, that’ll be too much for you, Mona.

Dr. Hinge: Of course it won't. Now stop fussing over me and go and gather some twigs.

Dougal: Well, if you're sure you'll be all right, if you want me just shout.

Dr. Hinge: Want him? His own mother left him before he cut his milk teeth.

Maureen: How's it going Mona?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, so you two have decided to brave it have you. What's the matter has the fire gone out?

Dame Hilda: Not quite, but it will if you just sit there on your tree stump looking like a garden gnome.

Dr. Hinge: Have you any idea what you look like all dolled up in your furs? You look like Nanuk of the North!

Dame Hilda: Are you referring to me or your mother?

Dr. Hinge: I'm referring to mother. You look like Eskimo Nell!

Dame Hilda: Really, I didn't think she'd even heard of Eskimo Nell.

Maureen: Well get on with it, Mona, don't let us stop you.

Dame Hilda: I say, Maureen, isn’t it beautiful out here now. The sun on the snow and the smell of the pines. And the air is wonderful, like breathing iced champagne, beautiful. {Cough!!} Oh I'm going in again.

Maureen: Me too.

Dr. Hinge:  Are you two going already?

Dame Hilda: Well, I've had quite enough exercise for one day.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you might at least take the first basket of logs in with you.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry we were going to. You can't accuse me of not pulling my weight. Grab the other handle Maureen.

Maureen: Alright. Got it. We'll take it in through the kitchen door there, Hilda. It'll give us a chance to see how Angus is getting on with the kitchen range.

Dame Hilda: Maureen, Is it my imagination there or can I hear bag pipes?

Maureen: Yes, it's the pipes alright.

Dame Hilda: Well, don't tell me you've got the ghost of a headless piper that walks by day

Maureen: As far as I know we've not got one in our kitchen. That'll be Angus.

Dame Hilda: Well, if he's doing that, what is it he's not doing that he should be?

Maureen: Come on,

{Kitchen.}

Maureen: Angus?

Angus: Madam?

Maureen: Have you not got that range alight yet, man? What on earth do you think you're doing?

Angus: Precisely what I was instructed to do.

Maureen: Well, I don't remember telling you to march round and round the kitchen table playing your pipes.

Angus: Possibly not. And I'll tell you why you don't. I've no like to mention this before and I'm not at all certain that I should mention it now, but I will, nevertheless.

Maureen: Well?

Angus: Your memory's going.

Maureen: My memory? Hilda is there anything wrong with my memory?

Dame Hilda: I don’t know, dear, tell me something you forgot.

Angus: Well you’re forever insisting that you've told me to do things that I have no recollection whatever of you ever having told me to do. I have therefore been forced reluctantly to conclude that your memory's going.

Dame Hilda: He makes out a persuasive case doesn't he?

Maureen: Angus, I told you to get that range going.

Angus: You told me you were wanting to have your Burns nights supper here, so I was practising because you cannae have a Burns nights supper with out the pipes.

Maureen: Nor can you have a Burns nights supper without the food and I'm sure Dame Hilda would sooner have a hot meal than the pipes any time.

Angus: Very probably and I'm sure Dame Hilda will no tak’ offence if I remind you that she's a Sassenach!

Dame Hilda: My goodness, doesn't he manage to make that sound insulting? If I was a dog I'd be a whipped one.

Maureen: Oh, run these logs up to the drawing room man and make sure the fire's all right. We'll get your range going for you.

Angus: Very well madam and dinna forget to pull the damper oot.

Maureen: I'm sorry, Hilda, he gets worse. Had his family not been in service here since 1545 I’d have got rid of him long ago.

Dame Hilda: Well if they were all like him I'd have got rid of them in 1546. When Evadne was just a toddler.

Maureen: Poor old Mona, we do give her a hard time don't we?

Dame Hilda: Well not as hard as she gives us. Don't forget I have to live with her.

Maureen: Now let's just get my coat off and I'll soon get this wretched thing going. At least the old fools laid it. Now has he got any matches down here?

Dame Hilda: There, dear, by the candlestick. And if you want someone to blow I've always got plenty of puff.

Maureen: There we go, she's away.

Dame Hilda: It's smoking a bit isn't it?

Maureen: Aye, it is a bit.

Dame Hilda: Why is it all coming out the front, shouldn't it be going up at the back?

Maureen: Aye, it should.

Dame Hilda: You know {Cough!}what? Don't you?

Maureen: What?

Dame Hilda: I bet that when that was boarded up someone {Cough!} stuffed paper up the chimney, and Angus has forgotten to take it out.

Maureen: Oh my goodness I think you're right. You see, Hilda, it is his memory that’s going?

Dame Hilda: I say, it's six of one and a half a dozen of the other. After all you forgot to remind him.

Dame Hilda: Well there was worse to come. Because then the chimney caught fire. Old Angus had forgotten to clean the flu. So the range took time to sort out. And lunch like breakfast was a rather haphazard affair. Dougal attempted to fry some sausages on a shovel over the drawing room fire, but they rolled off into the flames. Evadne, started to boil some eggs in her billy can, but Dougal knocked the can over and put the fire out. So we gave up trying to cook. And Maureen who spends most of the year in Mexico produced one or two little treats. These included armadillo tacos, some iguana meat and a tin of toasted grasshoppers. And I just sat and sucked a peppermint, at least it was hot. However by seven at night with a simple hot meal finally assured we all gathered expectantly for a pre prandial drink in the candlelit drawing room.

{Drawing room.}

Maureen: Well, my dears, this may not be the proper order of doing things but before anything happens to prevent it. I'd like you all to raise your glasses and join me in drinking to the sacred memory.

Dame Hilda: Old Angus, here's to him.

Dr. Hinge: Mother means, Burns, Hilda. The sacred memory of Robert Burns.

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry Maureen.

All: The sacred memory.

Dougal: Then let us toast John Barleycorn, each man a glass in hand. And may his great prosperity nair fail in old Scotland.

Dame Hilda: Is that Burns?

Dougal: Aye, that's Burns.

Dame Hilda: Well, to be perfectly honest with you, Maureen. I don't think I could name a single thing that Burns wrote.

Maureen: Oh, don't talk such nonsense, Hilda. Surely everybody knows his poem to a mouse. Wee sleeket, cowran, tim’rous, beastie, oh what a panic’s in thy breastie.

Dame Hilda: Oh yes well I've heard of that.

Dr. Hinge: And you know Auld Lang Syne don't you?

Dame Hilda: Is that his?

Dr. Hinge: Of course it is!

Dougal: And my love is like a red red rose.

Dame Hilda: I thought that was Shakespeare.

DougaL Gin a body meet a body coming through the rye. Gin body kiss a body and need a body cry.

Dame Hilda: I thought that was Harry Lauder.?

Dr. Hinge: You're thinking of roaming in the gloaming!

Dame Hilda: Is that Burns as well?

Dr. Hinge: No that's Harry Lauder.

Dougal: Roaming in the Gloaming, by the bonnie banks of Clyde, roaming in the gloaming.

Dr. Hinge: Shut up, Dougal!

Dame Hilda: Well, I must say I'm a lot better up on Burns than I thought I was. Incidentally I've got a Harry Lauder song in my handbag.

Dr. Hinge: Why?

Dame Hilda: Because I put it there. I brought it with me specially, as a little compliment to your mother.

Maureen: It sounds a bit of a backhanded compliment. And do you intend giving it to me or singing it to me.

Dame Hilda: Well I thought I might do both. After all you sang a very English song last time you stayed with us. Now, if I remember rightly it was called, put a bit of treacle on my pudding, Mary Anne.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda's obviously intent on wreaking revenge, mother.

Maureen: You know, Mona, your poor dear father Hector Hinge use sometimes to sing that in his lighter moments. God rest his old tuning fork.

Dame Hilda: Tell me, Maureen, there's one thing that's always puzzled me about Hector. And that is how he could ever have been a music teacher if he was so deaf.

Dr. Hinge: If father had the music stuck up on the piano he could read it, he wasn't blind.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but if he couldn't hear what his pupils were playing. How did he know if they were playing it correctly? I mean they could have had clair de lune stuck up in front of them and been playing, hey little hen, for all he knew.

Maureen: Hilda, my late dear husband may have been deaf but he was not a complete blithering idiot.

Dr. Hinge: Are you trying to say he was not a good music teacher, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: No I'm not.

Maureen: Remember he was not only Mona's father he was also her first musical mentor. Mona inherits all her musical talent and ability from Hector.

Dame Hilda: Are you trying to say he wasn't a good music teacher, Maureen?

Maureen: I suggest you two get the piano and do your wee song before someone says something they regret.

Dougal: Hear, hear, I love it when Mona plays.

Dr. Hinge: Then I hope you'll shut up and listen. Ready Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. I've been practising a bit of Scot's accent, Maureen. See what you think, dear?

All: Bravo, girls!

Dougal: That's put a smile on all our faces, eh?

Dame Hilda: It hasn't put one on Evadne’s.

Dr. Hinge: I don’t suppose it’s put one on Harry Lauder’s either.

{Bag pipes}

Maureen: Listen, there's Angus preparing himself. Oh it's such a pity I couldn't offer you all a proper Burns night supper. But with us expecting to be out I hadn't got much in.

Dougal: Oh, there's nothing wrong with herrings and oatmeal, Maureen, even out the freezer that's good Scottish food.

Maureen: Aye, that's true, dear, but it does seem a little ostentatious to be piping it in.

Dame Hilda: Well, what would we have been having if we've gone to the village, Maureen?  Well, haggis first of course with the traditional bashed neeps.

Dr. Hinge: That's mashed swede to you Sassenachs.

Dame Hilda: That's the second time today that I've been called a Sassenach!

Dougal: Well you are a Sassenach.

Dame Hilda: That makes it three.

Maureen: Now I don't want to hear that word mentioned again. Hilda’s one of us tonight. Sassenach or not?

Dame Hilda: Four!

Angus: Excuse me madam.

Maureen: I warn you Angus if you were about to announce that your burned those herrings you’re fired.

Angus: What herrings?

Maureen: Oh, for heavens sake, man!

Angus: I’ve no come to tell you aboot herrings. I've come to tell you that there's a snowplough arrived outside my kitchen door. And if you've a mind to celebrate Burns night in the village you'll be very welcome to join us.

Maureen: Us, Angus, who's us?

Angus: Well by a wee stroke of good fortune it just happens to be my brother Jamie who's driving the council snowplough the night.

Dame Hilda: I say, this will be something to dine out on in Stackton going to a Burns night supper on a snowplough!

Maureen: Right, everybody get your coats, come along Mona!.

Dr. Hinge: I’m sorry mother. I really don’t think I could face a Burns night do now.

Dame Hilda: Oh come on, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: No, I'm absolutely exhausted. What with digging the car out and all that logging. Why don't you lot go and let me stay here. I'll be quite happy with the humble herring.

Maureen: Oh well, if you're sure Mona? I’ll not force you. You never have been a great one for parties. As long as you’ll not be lonely, dear?

Dougal: Oh, I'll stay with you Mona. I'll stay here and keep you company. We can have a wee quiet party on our own.

Dr. Hinge: You know, On second thoughts perhaps I will come with you to the village. There are worse fates than a Burns night supper.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor