A Very Good Year For Pumpkins. Dame Hilda: One of the biggest events of the year in Stackton Tressel is the Harvest Festival. This is traditionally held on the second Sunday after the vicar gets his onions up. And I must say he seldom looks happier than when he's standing in the pulpit, singing ‘All is safely gathered in’ with them hanging above his head. Now each year one of the village ladies is given overall charge of decorating the church for the festival. And the right dogs dinner most of them usually make of it. However every few years it's my turn. And then of course things look up. Well, I have never been one to denigrate the abilities of other people, but one either has flare or one doesn't. Now it happened to be my turn to be in charge of decorating the church last year. So on the Friday morning preceding the event I settled in the drawing room at the old manse with my list of helpers and as Evadne poured the coffee I began the onerous task of allocating to each of them their respective space. However it wasn't very long before I hit a snag. {Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh! Dr. Hinge: What's the matter Hilda? Dame Hilda: Isn't that a nuisance? Dr. Hinge: What is? Dame Hilda: Tut, tut, Oh honestly! Dr. Hinge: Well I'm not going to ask again if you don't want to tell me don't. Dame Hilda: If only St. Oswald on the Tressal had one more window it would solve all my problems. Dr. Hinge: Well I'm sure if the builders had known that they would have put an extra one in. Dame Hilda: I've got 15 helpers on my list here and there's only 14 windows. And you know how everybody likes to have a window to decorate. Dr. Hinge: I don't mind not having a window. Dame Hilda: Good, I haven't given you one. Dr. Hinge: Why not? Dame Hilda: Well, because if I had I'd be two windows short. Anyway, you're not on my list. I don't count you as a helper. I count you as a hinderer. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I shall remember that when you're looking for someone to go up the step ladder and stuff vine leaves in the rood screen. Dame Hilda: And that's just what I mean. You're not supposed to stuff them in you're supposed to festoon them over. The idea is to decorate it not to render it draft proof. Dr. Hinge: So which of your unfortunate ladies is not going to get a window then? Dame Hilda: That's the problem, dear, I've now got to decide who I'm going to disappoint. Dr. Hinge: Have you got a window? Dame Hilda: Well of course I have. I've got the west window as usual. Dr. Hinge: Then give it to someone else. Problem solved. Dame Hilda: What? When I'm the best decorator not on your life. Dr. Hinge: Well then it's simple. Drop whomever is the worst decorator. Dame Hilda: I've already told you, Evadne, you haven't got a window. Dr. Hinge: As a matter of interest what have I got? Dame Hilda: I'm giving you a table in the chancel, dear, If we get enough vine leaves on the rood screen we shouldn't be able to see it. Dr. Hinge: I don't know why I bother, I really don’t. Dame Hilda: You don't bother that’s your trouble. Last time you had a window you just plonked a load of muddy vegetables on the ledge and left them Dr. Hinge: It's supposed to be a harvest festival Hilda. Not the Chelsea flower show. Dame Hilda: Nevertheless, I will not have the window ledges looking like vegetable barrows. Now what am I going to do about my odd lady? Dr. Hinge: Well there are plenty of other things for her to decorate. You’ve got a whole church full. I mean, who's decorating the pillars? Dame Hilda: I am! Dr. Hinge: Well the ends of the pews then? Dame Hilda: Me! Dr. Hinge: What about the pulpit? Dame Hilda: You know very well that's Cressida Smollett’s province, dear, absolutely sacrosanct. Dr. Hinge: And must she have a window as well as the pulpit? Dame Hilda: Oh she must have a window, dear. She is the vicar's wife and after me the best decorator. Dr. Hinge: Well, who else have you got on your list then? Dame Hilda: Well, I've got Lorna Dyrenforth. Now I can hardly give the Dyrenforth memorial window to anybody but Lorna can I? Dr. Hinge: I suppose not. Dame Hilda: I've got Naomi Mellinger. She must have the rose window. After all she's just paid to have it restored. Especially in time for the harvest. Dr. Hinge: Heaven knows why? I mean, the only harvest she's interested in is the gin and tonic harvest. Dame Hilda: That's by the by. Dr. Hinge: She’ll probably decorate the rose window with buckets of ice and slices of lemon. Dame Hilda: Evadne, If she chooses to decorate it with stuffed olives she must have that window for this year at least. Dr. Hinge: Well, there must be someone on that list who's willing to forgo a window. If you gave them something decent instead. Who's doing the font? Dame Hilda: Well, I was going to do that. Dr. Hinge: Talk about hogging it. Dame Hilda: Well, I am the best decorator. However I'd be quite willing to give up the font. Everybody sits with their backs to it anyway. Dr. Hinge: Well, there you are then problem solved. Dame Hilda: Oh, do stop saying problem solved! it isn't solved. Now, which of my ladies is going to have to make do with the font instead of a window? Dr. Hinge: Here, give me the list. Dame Hilda: You're not going to tear it up. Dr. Hinge: No, no, now close your eyes. Dame Hilda: What are you going to do with it? I don't want any silly business! Dr. Hinge: I'll lay the list on the table. Keep your eyes closed. Dame Hilda: Oh, I hate having my eyes closed when you're about. Dr. Hinge: You’re quite safe, dear. Now twirl your finger round and round in the air and then plonk it down somewhere and whichever name you land on goes without a window. Dame Hilda: Right. Eeny-meeny-miny-moe out goes you? Dr. Hinge: Ha, ha, ha! Dame Hilda: What are you laughing at? Dr. Hinge: Ha, ha, ha! Dame Hilda: Who did I get? Dr. Hinge: Ha, ha, ha! Dame Hilda: Evadne, who did I get? Dr. Hinge: You got yourself! Dame Hilda: I bet you moved the paper to make sure that I did! We'll do it again and this time I'll hold the paper. Dr. Hinge: Very well. Dame Hilda: Close your eyes. Dr. Hinge: Right. Dame Hilda: And go. Dr. Hinge: Eeny-meeny-miny-moe out goes who? Dame Hilda: Mandy Moore! Oh, she'll do a lovely job with the font. Their fish pond is always immaculate. Dr. Hinge: There you are then. Dame Hilda: Mind, she's not going to like not having a window because everybody really wants a window. Well everybody except you and you’re peculiar. Dr. Hinge: Do you want to go over the list again then? Dame Hilda: No I don't. I'd sooner tell Mandy than any of the others, after all she is a newcomer to Stackton. Dr. Hinge: She's been here almost ten years. Dame Hilda: We've been here over thirty and some people still consider us newcomers. Dr. Hinge: Oh nonsense. Dame Hilda: It's not nonsense. I met old Mrs. Piper in the butchers just the other day and she asked me if we were settling in all right. Dr. Hinge: Oh well, old Mrs. Piper's ancestors first settled in Stackton over three hundred years ago. Dame Hilda: You knew them, did you? Dr. Hinge: Abraham Piper born 1637. He's in the church yard. Dame Hilda: And where would you expect him to be at that age? Just because you were a late starter. Dr. Hinge: I don't know why you're being so skittish. You've only got half an hour to work out what you're going to tell Mandy Moore. Dame Hilda: Half an hour? Dr. Hinge: Well they said they'd pop in at eleven, didn't they? To see if we wanted anything taking down in the van. Dame Hilda: Well, I don't have to tell her at once. Dr. Hinge: When then? Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't know. I wonder if there is another way out? Dr. Hinge: Well, yes there is of course there is, give her your west window! Dame Hilda: No, no, I'll grasp the nettle. And I'll tell her the moment she arrives. I know how to handle Mandy. Dr. Hinge: There you are then. Now, is there anything else I can do to help? Dame Hilda: Well, yes there is, dear. Dr. Hinge: What? Dame Hilda: You can help me take my mind off it. Dr. Hinge: Well how? Dame Hilda: Well, there's a song on top of the piano there, dear. One that I haven't sung for ages. Dr. Hinge: This one here. I have an inkling. Dame Hilda: Yes it's from Floradora. Did you know Ada Read made her name in the role of Lady Holyrood singing that? Yes. I found it this morning down the back of the sofa when I was trying to find my secateurs. Dr. Hinge: Your secateurs are in the biscuit barrel! Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, I found them in the end. I must have left them in there yesterday when I was looking for my dibber. Dr. Hinge: You know, one day someone's going to put biscuits in that biscuit barrel and then where will you keep things? Dane Hilda: Down in the back of the sofa I suppose, there's bags of room there now that I've cleared it out. Well are you going to play that song or not? Dr. Hinge: Very well then. Take a deep breath and go.
Now I've met in my time some curious men Some nice, some fair, some dark I have met quite a handsome one now and then But still not quite up to the mark Now a husband I've managed at last to find Who is neither too young nor too old He's intensely amusing not quite refined But a man with a heart of gold. For I'm bound to see in a kind of way I had an inkling, inkling, inkling. That I’ve read that verse Only ten times worse in the pinkling, pinkling, pinkling.  Dame Hilda: There wasn't that nice. Now, I'm going to have a little wander in the garden before the Moores get here. Dr. Hinge: Well, I may as well come with you. Dame Hilda: Oh, it's alright, I'm not going to do a bunk or anything, I thought I'd start cutting the flowers that I'm going to take to the church. Dr. Hinge: Well, you can have a look at the vegetables I'm taking too. Dame Hilda: Ooh, that sounds fun. Dr. Hinge: Have you got your secateurs? Dame Hilda: Yes, look under my cardigan hanging around my neck. Dr. Hinge: Oh, on a black velvet ribbon like an eyeglass. Dame Hilda: Yes they're forgiving sharp glances. Ha, ha, ha! Come on. {Garden.}
Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne, just look at those dahlias aren't they wonderful. Dr. Hinge: They are good this year. Dame Hilda: The colours are lovely and the size of them. Dr. Hinge: Lovely, I should cut some of those. Dame Hilda: Seems a shame though doesn't it, I mean they look so nice where they are. And Cressida Smollett grows good dahlias so we won’t be short on dahlias. Dr. Hinge: All right, forget the dahlias. Dame Hilda: I'll give something else. What about these chrysanthemums? They're gorgeous aren't they? Dr. Hinge: Absolutely gorgeous. Cut some of those. Dame Hilda: Though it does seem a shame as well you know. Lorna always brings loads of chrysanths, chrysanths and her bamboo screen, makes the church look like the tea house of the August moon. Dr. Hinge: Right, forget the chrysanthemums. Dame Hilda: Oh, oh, Evadne. Just look at these roses they're absolutely glorious. Dr. Hinge: Very nice. Dame Hilda: Do you know I don't think I've ever had such perfect late roses? Dr. Hinge: Well, that does it then cut some of those. Dame Hilda: Yes I will. No I won't. Dr. Hinge: You're going to have to cut something. Unless of course you intend making your contribution through Interflora. Dame Hilda: No. No I think it might be more sensible to wait and see what the rest of the village gives first, then I can supply any little deficiencies. Dr. Hinge: The principal little deficiency will almost suddenly be good taste. Dame Hilda: There we are then, I'll be able to supply that for a start. I say, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: What? Dame Hilda: What's that thing lurking in the long grass down there? Dr. Hinge: Where? Dame Hilda: There, dear, at the top of the vegetable garden. Dr. Hinge: Oh, that's my pumpkin. Dame Hilda: Oh, I didn't know you had a pumpkin. Dr. Hinge: You don't know everything do you? Dame Hilda: What a funny thing to keep secret. Dr. Hinge: I haven't been keeping it secret. Dame Hilda: You never told me you had one. Dr. Hinge: Only because I didn't want a lot of silly remarks. Dame Hilda: You haven't got six white mice and buttons hidden in the shed as well? Dr. Hinge: Just the sort of remark I was trying to avoid. Now I may as well cut that pumpkin. Peter and Mandy can take it down for me in the van with the rest of my vegetables. Dame Hilda: You're not giving that thing to the harvest festival are you? Dr. Hinge: Yes I am. I've grown specially. One doesn't see many pumpkins these days. Dame Hilda: It's a bit big isn't it? Dr. Hinge: Probably weighs 30 pounds or so. Dame Hilda: Thirty pounds? Dr. Hinge: Mm-hmm. Dame Hilda: Haven’t you got a smaller one. Dr. Hinge: No, I removed all the smaller ones in order to get one big one. Dame Hilda: Well, where on earth are we going to put it? I mean the hymn book table I was going to give you will never stand that weight. I mean it collapsed last year under a few cauliflowers and a small pyramid of pickled gherkins! Dr. Hinge: I suppose we could always put it in the font. Dame Hilda: The font? Oh good heavens! I’ve completely forgotten, the Moores will be here in a minute. Oh heavens! what on earth am I going to tell Mandy Moore? Dr. Hinge: I can't wait to find out. {Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: Well, now Mandy, Peter, how about a glass of sherry before we start loading the van? Peter: Oh ‘that would be lovely Dame Hilda. Wouldn't it D? Mandy: You think you really should P? Peter: You think I really should what? Mandy: You think you really should have a sherry? Peter: Well, of course I'm going to have a sherry, Dame Hilda’s just offered me one. Mandy: Yes, but do you think you really should? Dame Hilda: Evadne, pour four glasses anyway, would you dear? It won't get wasted. Dr. Hinge: I bet it won’t, not with you about. Peter: D, are you trying to say I shouldn't have a sherry? Mandy: I'm not trying to say you shouldn't. I just wondered if you should. Peter: I would have said that was tantamount to saying that I shouldn't. Mandy: Well, I wouldn't. Peter: Well, I would. Mandy: Well, there we are then? Peter; Yes, indeed there we jolly well are. Dame Hilda: Well, are we? Dr. Hinge: Are you having a sherry or not Peter? Peter: Ah, thank you Doctor. Cheers everybody. Mandy: Oh, he can be so pig-headed! Dame Hilda: I'm sure one little sherry won't do him any harm, especially the size that Evadne pours. Dr. Hinge: If you want yours in a pint pot you've only got to ask, Hilda, Mandy, dear, your sherry. Mandy: Oh, thank you, Doctor. Although if P’s having one I wonder if I really should. Peter: Why shouldn't you? Mandy; Oh, don't start that again. It's all very well, but decorating a window for the harvest is a great responsibility. Isn't it, Dame Hilda:? Dame Hilda: Well, I was coming to that, dear. Mandy: I have got a window this year, haven't I? I mean, you did sort of promise. Dr. Hinge: Ooh, did you promise, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well, sort of. Dr. Hinge: Dear, dear! Dame Hilda: But then, of course, I didn't know I was going to end up with so many helpers and so few windows. Mandy: Oh, Dame Hilda, does that mean that I haven't got a window after all? Dame Hilda: Well, dear, erm... Mandy: Oh, Dame Hilda!.{Sob!} Peter: Oh, now, now, bear up, old girl. Mandy: Don't call me old girl! Peter: Sorry, old girl. But it's hardly the end of the world. After all, you didn't have a window last year, did you? Mandy: No, I didn't, and I may not have shown it, but I was miserable for weeks. Peter: I know you were and you did show it, my god, you showed it. But it was hardly the end of the world. You didn't have a window the year before either. Mandy: No, I was miserable then, too. Peter: I know you were. I'm not saying you weren't. I'm merely pointing out that it wasn't the end of the world. Dr. Hinge: I'm beginning to wish it had been. Dame Hilda: Now, now, Evadne, don't make things worse? Peter: You really should be used to not having a window by now, D. After all, you've never had a window, have you? Mandy: No. And it's not fair. I've got certificates for flower arranging. And I won a prize at the WI for my seed pods and fronds in an unusual container! Dr. Hinge: I shudder to think! Peter: I say, I'm dreadfully sorry about this, Dame Hilda. I'm afraid that harvest is never a very happy time at home. More a season of mists and melancholia. Dame Hilda: Well, this year's going to be different, dear. Here, take my hanky and dry those tears, Mandy. Mandy: Thank you, Dame Hilda. Oh, what a pretty hanky Dame Hilda: Yes, Isn’t it? Mandy: {Snort!} Dame Hilda: Here, use a tissue instead. Mandy: I'm so sorry, Dame Hilda. Oh, I’ve made a bit of a fool of myself, haven't I? Dr. Hinge: Easy enough thing to do. Dame Hilda: Well, all’s well that ends well, as they say in fairy tales. If I promised you a window, you shall have a window. Dr. Hinge: What are you going to do? Get an extra one knocked in? Dame Hilda: No, Evadne, I’m not, I am simply going to wave my magic wand and presto! Mandy shall have the west window. Dr. Hinge: The west window? Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. The west window. Mandy: But that's your window, Dame Hilda. Peter: Oh, yes, D, couldn't possibly take your window. You’ve had that window for yonks. Dame Hilda: I may have had it for a number of years, dear, but I certainly have not had it for yonks. Mandy: Oh, no, Dame Hilda. I couldn't, I couldn't, I could never live up to it. Your window always looks so lovely and it's such a talking point. Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. But this year I shall step down the west window is yours. Dr. Hinge: So you're not going to give Mandy the font after all then, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear. Not if she's set on having a window, we shall just have to put all the names back in the hat and draw again. Dr. Hinge: I'm not going through that nonsense again! Peter: Mandy, I fancy you're making a bit of a nuisance of yourself, old girl. Mandy: Will you stop calling me, old girl! Sorry. Um... what was that about the font, Dame Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well, you see, dear, it's the same every year everybody always wants to decorate the font. Well, it's the first thing you see when you enter the body of the church, isn’t it? Dr. Hinge: And the last thing you see is you leave it. Dame Hilda: I mean, there are 14 windows but only one font. Dr. Hinge: Which is lucky, because if there were 14 fonts and only one window the church would be very dark and they’d never afford the water rates. Dame Hilda: Evadne, have you been helping yourself to the sherry without offering it round? Dr. Hinge: Oh, no, I haven't. Would anyone like another one? P&D: No, I really don't think we should! Dr. Hinge: How nice to see you agreeing at last. Dame Hilda: Evadne, will you please let me continue, dear! Dr. Hinge: Oh, get on with it. Dame Hilda: Thank you. So you see, Mandy: I decided that this year we'd have a sort of draw for the font. And Evadne drew your name out, didn't you, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I suppose you could say that. Dame Hilda: But of course, if you'd sooner have a window? Mandy: Oh no, Dame Hilda, I couldn't possibly take your window anyway, And the font, the most I've ever had before is a vase on the hassock cupboard. Oh, isn't it wonderful, P? I've won the font! Peter: You haven't exactly won it, D. I mean, you can't take it home with you. Mandy: Oh, you are silly, Ha, ha, ha! Peter: Oh, that's better. I see a little smile at last, eh. Bye-bye, tears, and hello, smile. That's what makes this life worthwhile Dr. Hinge: God help us! Dame Hilda: Well, isn't that nice, Evadne? Suddenly everybody's smiling, except you, of course. Dr. Hinge: I was just thinking about my pumpkin. Have you had any thoughts yet about where I can put it? Dame Hilda: One or two, I'd sooner you didn't tempt me to tell you in front of Peter and Mandy. Peter: I say, are you giving a pumpkin too, Doctor? Dr. Hinge: Why are you? Mandy: Well, yes. We're giving eight. Dr. Hinge: Small ones? Mandy: No, big ones. Dr. Hinge: How big? Peter: Well, the smallest weighs 14 pounds, three ounces, according to the bathroom scale. Mandy: And the biggest is 52 pounds, twelve ounces. Dr. Hinge: What? Peter: Oh, that's not the biggest, D. The biggest, we haven't even weighed yet. We're going to have to hire a low loader and take it to the weighbridge. Mandy: Oh, isn’t he a hoot, Doctor? Dr. Hinge: Isn't he? Dame Hilda: Oh, goodness gracious me. I do hope we're not going to have too many pumpkins. I don't want the church looking like the morning after the night before in Prince Charming's car park!
Dame Hilda: Well, in the event my very worst fears were justified. Simply everybody in Stackton, it seems, had grown pumpkins that year. Huge gigantic pumpkins, the church was full of them. There were very few flowers, so I had to cut all of mine. Just so that we could decorate the pumpkins. They were piled everywhere. Oh, artistically, of course, I saw to that. But the vicar had to have a small pair of steps in the pulpit so that he could see the congregation over the pile in front of him. We originally gave him a pumpkin to stand on, but he kept sinking into it during ‘We plough the fields and scatter.’ And it took two church wardens and the sexton and three boy scouts to pull him out. Mind you, the entire village turned out to the service, so we used a lot of pumpkins for extra seating. And, of course, Mandy Moore plonked the biggest one of all in the font. It just looked as if a pterodactyl had come down and laid an egg. But it was two days later that I discovered those blessed pumpkins were still a problem. Evadne, had been out all morning at one of her council meetings. {Drawing Room.} Dr. Hinge: Cooee, Hilda! I'm back! Dame Hilda: And about time, too, I've been rushed off my feet all morning. Dr. Hinge: Guess what the lady mayoress gave me. Dame Hilda: Well, I can see it wasn't a black eye. You're getting on better with her now, are you? Dr. Hinge: She gave me a pumpkin, Dame Hilda: She didn’t? Dr. Hinge: She did! I've left it in the hall. Dame Hilda: You should have left it on the bus. Dr. Hinge: She bought it at the harvest auction last night. Apparently, they sold everything, including all those pumpkins. They raised over 350 pounds for the over 60s club. Dame Hilda: I know. Dr. Hinge: Shame we couldn't have gone. I'd like to have known how much my pumpkin fetched. Dame Hilda: It fetched £1.63p, dear. Dr. Hinge: How do you know? Dame Hilda: Because Teddy Tranter bought it, or one very like it. But he doesn't like pumpkins, so he brought it round for you. Dr. Hinge: Oh, how very kind of him. I was telling him how much I love pumpkin. Dame Hilda: I know, and it seems he told everyone else. Yes, in fact, there's been a constant procession of callers all morning, dear, all bearing pumpkins for you. Dr. Hinge: All from the auction! Dame Hilda: Yes, you know, it's an amazing thing how few people who so charitably bought the things actually like them. Dr. Hinge: So um... How many have we got? Dame Hilda: At the last count,48! Dr. Hinge: What on earth am I going to do with 48 pumpkins, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well, I was thinking of phoning Brussels. Dr. Hinge: Why Brussels? Dame Hilda: Well, you never know, dear. I mean, the EEC may like to start a pumpkin mountain.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
