An Affair Of The Harp. Dame Hilda: Stackton Tressel recently gained a new asset with the reopening of the music emporium, which had been bequeathed to Evadne and myself, under the terms of Miss Blenkinsop’s will. And so we threw a little party on the premises to celebrate. Just twenty-five or thirty carefully chosen people. Though as Evadne said there quickly seemed a good deal more and considerably less carefully chosen. The Stackton Bugle sent a cub reporter along because their music correspondent was covering the finals of the local sheepdog trials. And we all drank a good deal of sherry, and this rather went to our heads as there wasn't very much to eat. Well, as you can imagine, next morning I felt just a teeny, teeny bit fragile and I didn't feel at all like facing the special breakfast that Evadne had prepared. Dame Hilda: Evadne, what exactly is this that you've given me on toast dear? Dr. Hinge: Puffballs! Dame Hilda: Well, I'm sorry, dear, I didn't mean to upset you. I was just curious, that's all. Dr. Hinge: They are puffball mushrooms, Hilda. I found them in the lane this morning. They were on the verge. Dame Hilda: Well, I don't know what they were on the verge of, dear. But by the time they got onto my toast, they'd definitely gone over it. Dr. Hinge: Puffballs have a long and very ancient history, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Yes, these look rather as if they might have had! Dr. Hinge: Do you know at one time country people used to do all manner of things with them? Dame Hilda: You intrigue me, dear. Dr. Hinge: No, I mean, you see, they put them on wounds to heal them, they kindled their fires with them, they set light to them and intoxicated their bees with the smoke, prior to opening their hives. Dame Hilda: I see anything sooner than eat them? Dr. Hinge: Well, of course they used to eat them. That is a great delicacy you have there, you know? Dame Hilda: But it doesn't look like mushrooms, Evadne. It doesn't even smell like mushrooms, and I adore mushrooms. Dr. Hinge: Well, that's my special way of preparing them, Hilda. It's basically Mrs. Beaton beefed up a bit by my own distinctive flair for fungi. Dame Hilda: No wonder it looks like it does. Dr. Hinge: Just try them, Hilda. They won't kill you. Dame Hilda: Can I have that in writing please? Dr. Hinge: Oh, get on with it. Dame Hilda: Mmm! You know these really are rather delicious! Dr. Hinge: That’s the trouble with you, Hilda, you always scream before you’re hurt. Dame Hilda: Gorgeous! I say, these aren’t the mushrooms that make you hallucinate are they? Dame Hilda: Incidentally, Evadne, did you notice last night during the party how Miss Blenkinsop kept tinkling all the time? Dr. Hinge: If you mean the wind chime, Hilda, Dame Hilda: It's more than just a wind chime, dear. I've told you that before. That thing exudes Miss Blenkinsop's presence and last night she was definitely restless. Dame Hilda: Oh, no, it wasn't that. I think she was trying to tell us something. Dr. Hinge: And I bet you knew what it was she was trying to tell us, don't you, dear? Dame Hilda: Well, Miss Blenkinsop and I did have a certain rapport. Dr. Hinge: Yes, yes, yes, despite the fact that you never really liked her and very seldom saw her. Dame: Hilda: Now, that's not fair. Dr. Hinge: Let's get it over with, Hilda. What does Miss Blenkinsop want now? Dame Hilda: She wants her harp back. Dr. Hinge: Mrs. Dale's harp? Dame Hilda: Yes, she wants me to take it back to the emporium. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda. What a shame, and you were so attached to that harp. Dame Hilda: Well, I think she's thinking of you, dear. Dr. Hinge: What exactly has this got to do with me? Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, you've done nothing but complain about that harp. Ever since I brought it here from the emporium that first day we looked over the place. And Miss Blenkinsop obviously doesn't want a cherished possession to be where it's not wanted. I mean, it was you who said it was in the way when we had it in the hall, wasn't it? Dr. Hinge: Well, it was! Dame Hilda: And it was you who said it was still in the way when we moved it into the drawing room. Dr. Hinge: That’s right, but then you took it into your bedroom, didn't you? Dame Hilda: Yes. Dr. Hinge: Well, it's not in the way in there, is it? Dame Hilda: No, no. I suppose it's not. Dr. Hinge: Unless, of course, it's in your way, dear? Dame Hilda: Well, no.Dr. Hinge: Then why have you taken to wearing dark stockings just to hide the bruises on your legs? And another thing. That harp stands there as a constant reproach to you, doesn't it? Dame Hilda: I don't know what you mean. Dr. Hinge: There you sit, with not a fingernail left unbroken. And no nearer to being able to play the harp than you were at the very beginning. Dame Hilda: Oh, you're a very hard wicked woman, Evadne! Dr Hinge: And now you want to get rid of it, don't you? Admit it. Well, if you want to take it back, take it back. But don't lay the blame on me or on the late Miss Blenkinsop. Now, what are you going to do? Dame Hilda: Take it back. Dr. Hinge: Well, that's a blessing. I must say, I'm very glad it's all over. Dame Hilda: Yes, so am I, dear. You know, that harp was coming between us, wasn't it? Dr. Hinge: It wasn't so much the harp that was coming between us, Hilda. It was your refusal to be honest about it. Dame Hilda: Well, I've seen the light, dear. Mrs. Dale would be proud of me. Now, let's see if we can find a nice happy song to celebrate our fresh starts in life. The opening of the emporium and my new found honesty over that harp. Dr. Hinge: Well, how about... ‘It's a sin to tell a lie.’ I'm sure that's here somewhere. Dame Hilda: No, I'm looking for something happy, dear. What's that one you've got in your hand now? Dr. Hinge: That's called ‘Ring the Bell Softly, there's Crepe on the Door.’ Mind you it’s got a nice black boarder round it. Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not the sort of thing at all, dear. Dr. Hinge: Very well then. Only trying to help. Dame Hilda: Oh, here we are. Now, what about this one? It's called Good Morning Brother Sunshine. Now, that's got a lovely feeling about it. Dr. Hinge: Well, give it here then. Dame Hilda: All right.
Good morning, brother sunshine. Good morning, sister song. I beg your humble pardon if you’ve waited very long. I thought I heard you knocking. To shut you out was sin. My heart is standing open. Won't you walk right in? Good morning! Won't you walk right in? Good morning, brother gladness. Good morning, sister smile. They told me you were coming, so I waited on a while. ‘twas lonely here without you. A weary time it’s been. My heart is standing open. Won't you walk right in? Good morning! Won't you walk right in?
Dame Hilda: Well, wasn't that a spirited rendition? You know, dear, I have a feeling it's going to be a really lovely carefree day. {Door opens,} Dr. Hinge: Well, I wouldn't bank on it, dear. That sounds like Maud. Maud: Oh, Good morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor. Dame Hilda: Hello Maud, dear! Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud. Maud: Do you mind if I use your telephone, Dame ‘ilda? Only ours at ‘ome is out of order. Dame Hilda: How long has it been like that, dear? Maud: Well, ever since first thing this morning, when I stood on it. And I were being ever so careful. Dr. Hinge: I'm sure you were, Maud. We all know just how careful you can be. Maud: I put the phone on the floor to clean the window in the ‘all. Well, I like to keep the place nice. And I went up me steps all right and coming down I even jumps ‘specially to avoid it. But I swear that phone must have moved between me leaving that ladder and me ‘itting the floor. Dame Hilda: Well, accidents do happen dear? Use ours by all means. Maud: Thank you, Dame ‘ilda. And I'll report the call box while I'm on. Dr. Hinge: The call box, dear.? Maud: Well, I tried to report ours from the call box on the corner. Dame Hilda: Oh, I see. And wasn't it working? Maud: It was when I got there, but it wasn't when I left. Wouldn't you think they'd fix them wires more firmly to the wall? Dr. Hinge: I see. You mean the receiver actually came off in your hand? Maud: Yes, Doctor. And the rest came off on me foot. Dr. Hinge: The rest. Maud: The ‘ole box fell right off the wall. Dame Hilda: The box, dear? Maud: That box you put your money in. I never ‘it that ‘ard. I swear I didn't. Why, my fist was ‘ardly clenched. Dr. Hinge: I can't think why you had to hit at all, Maud! You've no need to put money in it if you’re just reporting a fault. Maud: I know that, Doctor. I ‘adn't put money in. I always ‘its ‘em. Just in case. Dame Hilda: In case what, Maud, dear? Maud: In case there's loose money lurking. Dame Hilda: And tell me, Maud, did any money come out this morning? Maud: It did when the box ‘it the floor. It was when I was bending to pick it up as me backside went through the glass. Badly built them new ones is. Too much glass. Then as I was straightening up again I ‘its me ‘ead on the directory shelf, that fell off an’ all. Metal fatigue, I shouldn’t wonder. They don't make screws like they did. I've noticed that at ‘ome. Anyways, that's when I gives up. There was nothing else I could do. Dr. Hinge: Well, I don't know. There were still three sides intact weren’t there? Maud: Two, Doctor. There was two. The door come off trying to get in. Dr. Hinge: And I always thought it was vandals. Maud: Well, it makes you wonder just ‘ow safe that post office tower is. Dame Hilda: Well, do help yourself to the phone here, Maud, won’t you. Dr. Hinge: And do be careful dear. Maud: And what exactly is that supposed to mean? Dr. Hinge: Well, we don't want any more accidents, do we, Maud? Especially to you. Maud: I see, give a dog a bad name. Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud, Tom is going to give us a lift down to the emporium this morning, isn't he, dear? Maud: Well, ‘e said ‘e was. Though I doubt you’ll want to go with ‘im when you find out what ‘e's got. Dame Hilda: What's he got dear? Is it something catching? Maud: It catches you in the end, all right. But not till it’s too late. Now, I'm going to phone. Dame Hilda: What did she mean by that, dear? Dr. Hinge: I don't know, very enigmatic. By the look at her face, it sounds like the black death. Dame Hilda: Well, as long as it's not that Hong Kong flu. Dr. Hinge: Ah, there's Tom now. Oh, I see what she meant. Dame Hilda: What, dear? Dr. Hinge: He's come in a hearse. Dame Hilda: Well, she didn't say he was that bad. Dr. Hinge: No, no! He's driving it. Dame Hilda: Is he alone? Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, that's all right then he's probably going on somewhere, doing a bit of moonlighting. Dr. Hinge: Really, Hilda, you make the poor lad sound like a grave robber. Dame Hilda: Probably come to tell us we shall have to make our own way home. Tom: Morning, Ladies. Dame Hilda: Good morning, Tom, dear. Dr. Hinge: Hello, Tom. Tom: All ready for the off, are we? Dame Hilda: Have you come for us, dear? Tom: Well, you said you wanted a lift down to the emporium this morning? Dame Hilda: Well, we did, yes, but what exactly are we going in? Tom: Well, my new motor, why? Dame Hilda: The big black one with the silver handles inside. Tom: Oh, you've seen it, ‘ave you? Bit of all right, eh? Only got 10,000 miles on the clock. And you can bet your boots it ’asn't been thrashed. Dr. Hinge: Well, it could hardly be more suitable in the circumstances, Tom. Hilda wants to take her harp with her. Dame Hilda: You're not going to leave that thing like it is surely, Tom? Tom: Oh, no, no. No, I'm going to convert it into a mini bus. By the time I’ve finished with it it'll look like a sunshine coach. I've put in one row of seats already, but I ‘aven't finished yet. So you've still got all that room in the back where you'd normally put the, uh, whatnot. Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not going to sit where you'd normally put the whatnot. And that's flat. Tom: You don't have to, Dame. We put the ‘arp where you'd normally put the whatnot and we all sit up front. Dame Hilda: Well, we shall look like an undertakers outing! Dr. Hinge: Oh don’t be so ridiculous, Hilda. It's only a vehicle when alls said and done. Dame Hilda: When alls said and done it might be, Evadne, but mercifully, all is not yet said and done as far as I'm concerned. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, we’re supposed to be there at ten. Now, are you coming with us? Or would you rather walk down on your own, humping your harp? Dame Hilda: Oh, very well. But I certainly can't go in this flowered frock. Not in that vehicle, not in this. Suppose someone was to see us? I think I'd better just go upstairs and slip into something sombre. Dr. Hinge: Now, don't overdo it, Hilda. We don't want the bombazine and the black net veil, do remember, when you get there, you've got to open a shop. Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not going to dress like the widow of Windsor, dear. But I do think it's somewhat inappropriate to look too gay. Dr. Hinge: I say, do you think I look all right? Dame Hilda: You look absolutely fine, Evadne? You always look as if you're going to a funeral, anyway. {Emporium.} Dame Hilda: And so, eventually, suitably attired and clutching the harp, we all set off. We arrived at the high street amid occasional raucous shouts from the kerbside of, “they're dead but they won't lie down,” So I must admit, I was extremely glad when finally we screeched to a halt outside the emporium, and Evadne and I were able to let go of the silver handles, which we'd been holding on too so grimly and we were able to scurry for the safety of the shop. Dame Hilda: Well, I've never had a journey like that. Tom: Got a good turn of speed, ain't it? You don't often see ‘em move like that. Dame Hilda: No, you don't. Dr. Hinge: I should think you don't, dear. They'd never keep the flowers on the roof. Tom: Now then, dame. Where do you want me to put this ‘arp then? Dame Hilda: Uh, over there, I think, Tom, there please, by the gramophone. Dr. Hinge: If you put it there, Hilda, it'll be in the way. Dame Hilda: Oh, don't start that again. Dr. Hinge: I suggest you put it where it was before. Dame Hilda: No, no, it didn't look right there, dear. Too pokey. It needs displaying. Tom: How about ‘ere? Dr. Hinge: Not there, dear, no, no, no. Tom: Oh, ‘ere? Dame Hilda: No, Tom, definitely not there. Tom: Well, here, then? Dr. Hinge: No, Tom, in the way again. Tom: Oh, do you mind if I put it down for a minute or two? I think I've snapped a muscle. I'll tell you what, Ladies. I've got to pop off now. Dame Hilda: I told you he was going somewhere, didn't I, dear? Tom: Right, I promised to pick somebody up, you see. Dame Hilda: Alive or dead? Dr. Hinge: Anyone we know, Tom? Tom: No, no, it's just a bloke who’s managed to lay hands on a bit of paint for the respray job. I'll pop back a bit later on and see if you've made up your minds, okay? Oh, tell you what would make life easier with that ‘arp of yours! dame. Dame Hilda: What's that, dear? Tom: Bung it on wheels. Put a motor in it and a seat. Well, then you could drive it round like they do them little mowers. Music while you mow. I know someone who could do it for you. For a new grass box, a bird table and ‘alf a dozen ‘amsters. Dr. Hinge: He must be very fond of hamsters? Tom: Oh,‘e races ‘em. But they're always running off. He don't ‘alf get through some ‘amsters. Well, I'll be away. See you later. Dr. Hinge: Goodbye, Tom. Dame Hilda: Well, I've never heard of anyone racing hamsters before. Dr. Hinge: They race tortoises, Hilda. Dame Hilda: And do they ever win? Dr. Hinge: Well, they only race them against other tortoises, dear, so I suppose some of them must. Customer: Good morning. Dame Hilda: Good morning. Dr. Hinge: Good morning. Can we help you? Customer: Yes, how much do you want for the harp? Dame Hilda: Oh, it's not for sale. Dr. Hinge: Can we show you anything else? Customer: No, it's the harp I'm interested in. Dame Hilda: How about a gramophone? Customer: I've got a gramophone. Dame Hilda: Well, you haven't got that one, have you? Customer: I don't want it either. I wouldn't give it house room. I want that harp. Dr. Hinge: I know. A music box. Customer: Oh, I hate them. Jingle, jangle, tinkle, tinkle, same old tune over and over again. Bless this house, the anniversary waltz or the blue bells of Scotland. You're never quite sure which? Dame Hilda: Would you like a bust of Beethoven. Customer: I use one for a doorstop. Dr. Hinge: Are you interested in sheet music at all? Customer: Oh, yes, I am. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, we've got lots of that. All sorts. We'll play you one, choose. Customer: Oh, I'm easy. Dame Hilda: Well, choose. Customer Anything you like. Dame Hilda: Well, choose! Dr. Hinge: It's all part of the service, you see. Then you know what you're buying. Customer: Oh, very well. Here we are then, first off the pile. Macushla. Dame Hilda: Oh, nice, right, Evadne, cariad. Ready when you are lover!
Customer: Well, I know it, of course. Dame Hilda: Well, then you'll buy it? Customer: How much? Dame Hilda: Well, you can have all of it. Ha, ha!! Customer: I mean, how much do you want for it? Dame Hilda: How much do we want for it, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I have no idea, dear, what do you think? Customer: I'll give you a 10p. Dame Hilda: Very well, then 10p. You've got a real bargain there, you know, because it's autographed. Customer: Right. Now then, how much do you want for the harp? Dame Hilda: Now, wait a minute. You've bought the sheet music, haven't you? Customer: But what sort of a place is this? If a man comes in to buy an harp, He’s hardly likely to be satisfied going out with a 10p sheet of music, he's got at home anyhow is he? Dame Hilda: But the harp is not for sale, dear. Customer: But look, I thought this was an emporium, and an emporium is a place where you sell things. Dame Hilda: Well, we’ve sold you something, haven't we? Customer: But you haven't sold me what I come in to buy now, have you? Dame Hilda: No, because what you came into buy isn't for sale. Customer: Look, I don't know how to get this into your head. You see, I mean, how shall I put it? I WANT THAT HARP!! Dame Hilda: And I don't know how to get this into your head. YOU’RE NOT HAVING THAT HARP!! Dr. Hinge: Let's be reasonable about this. It is an extremely difficult instrument to play, you know. Customer: Oh, I see it's difficult to play is it? Dame Hilda: Oh it’s terribly difficult! I mean, Dr. Hinge, she is a Doctor of Music and an LRAM! and she can't play one, can you, dear? Dr. Hinge: No, no. I can’t, no. Dame Hilda: And I've had this one up at home for some time now and I'll let you into a little secret as well. I've not mastered it yet, have I dear? Dr. Hinge: No, dear, you haven’t, have you? Customer: Oh, I didn't realise they were so very, very hard. Dame Hilda: Oh yes. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. Have you thought of something a little easier? A treble recorder perhaps? A harmonica? Now, Larry Adler did very well with one of those. Dame Hilda: Oh, he did. Yes. Dr. Hinge: So much more portable, too. Customer: No, it's the harp I was really after. Look, would you mind very much if I just sat down and strummed it? Dr. Hinge: Of course not, of course not, by all means! Dame Hilda: Do mind your nails, though. Customer: Oh, I'd be very careful. Oh, may I use that chair? Dr. Hinge: Yes, do Dame Hilda: By all means. Dr. Hinge: Yes, certainly! {Customer plays the harp perfectly!} Dame Hilda: Well, I must say you got the hang of that very quickly. Customer: Oh, it's just a little something I happened to pick up at the Royal College of Music. Both Ladies: Oooh!! Customer: But it's still not for sale, is it? Dame Hilda: No, I'm afraid not. Customer: Oh, well, I'll pop in again. I'm round this way fairly regularly. And I’ve set my heart on that harp. Oh, you'll come round to selling it I know you will. I had the same trouble once with a man in Bishop's Stortford. Didn't want to sell me a Swansea cockle plate. So I waited, I bided my time. Oh, I got it in the end. Dame Hilda: How? Customer: Ah, that's my little secret, isn't it? But I warn you, I'm a very patient man. I always get what I want in the end, goodbye. For now. Dame Hilda: Goodbye. Dr. Hinge: Bye. Dame Hilda: Which way’s he gone? Dr. Hinge: He hasn't yet, dear. He's standing outside looking through the window. Dame Hilda: Is he eyeing it? Dr. Hinge: Yes! Dame Hilda: Covetously? Dr. Hinge: I'm afraid so. Dame Hilda: That does it. I'm taking it home again. I will learn to play it, dear. And we'll keep it in the conservatory. Now it won't be in anybody's way out there, will it? Dr. Hinge: No, I suppose not. Dame Hilda: There you are, you see. Miss Blenkinsop is tinkling. She wants me to take it home. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, Miss Blenkinsop was the one who, only this morning, you said wanted you to bring it down here. Dame Hilda: You may remember, Evadne, that was one of Miss Blenkinsop's failings in life. Dr. Hinge: What was dear? Dame Hilda: She could never make up her mind.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
