Constant Dripping. Dame Hilda: Every time Evadne’s mother, Maureen comes to stay with us, Evadne and Maud threaten to boycott the old manse. Well, she can be a bit demanding. I mean, she always prefaces her visit with the words, “Now, I don't want you to put yourselves out just for me.” But if we don't, she's furious “And I don't want you to go to any unnecessary expense,” she says, on a reverse charge call from Acapulco in Mexico. That's where she lives, Acapulco. Well, it's where she lives when she's not with us. Not that she’s with us a great deal, but she's one of those people who seem to be with you much more than they actually are. “You just carry on as if I wasn't here,” she says. And then when you've carried up her morning tea, carried up her morning paper, carried up her breakfast, run her bath, and passed her, her dressing gown and slippers, she gets up, comes down, and starts organising your day for you. However, the last time she was with us things didn't go quite according to plan for any of us. It started on the first morning of her visit. She was still up in her room, Evadne, was in the drawing room, tinkling on the piano and I was out in the kitchen doing all the work, as usual. {Drawing Room, piano tinkling} Dame Hilda: Have you finished with your tea cup yet? Evadne, can you hear me? Dr. Hinge: What is it? Dame Hilda: Have you finished with your tea cup yet? Dr. Hinge: Yes I have, thank you. Dame Hilda: Well, I'll be blowed. Evadne? Dr. Hinge: What is it now? Dame Hilda: Aren't you going to bring your cup through, dear? Dr. Hinge: Oh, for heaven's sake!! {Slams piano lid!} Dame Hilda: Temper, temper. Dr. Hinge: That's the problem with this house. It's almost impossible to get any real work done in it. Here's your cup! Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. Dr. Hinge: Anyway, what are you doing in the kitchen Hilda? Dame Hilda: Just having fun dear. Splashing about in a bowl of lukewarm, soapy water with a lovely big pile of dirty dishes. Dr. Hinge: And what on earth are you doing them for? Maud’ll be here any minute, she's quite capable of washing a few breakfast things. Dame Hilda: A few, dear, yes. But you're forgetting your mother. You should have seen the pots and pans alone. Dr. Hinge: Well, that's entirely your fault. I told you not to pamper her. Dame Hilda: It's hardly pampering her, dear, just to ask her what she'd like for her breakfast. Dr. Hinge: No, but it is pampering her to give her what she wants. Dame Hilda: Well, maybe. But it's difficult to back out at that stage. And anyway, when she says that all she really fancies is a wee bit of this and a wee bit of that one doesn't quite foresee the pile of pans somehow. Dr. Hinge: No, she counts on that. Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not complaining. But there was the saucepan for the porridge, the saucepan for the hot milk, the pan I poached the haddock in, the egg poacher. Oh, and then all the little bits and bobs. The orange squeezer for her juice, grapefruit bowl, little dish for the butter, little dishes for the jam, the honey, the marmalade. Dr. Hinge: You shouldn't have given her a choice. Dame Hilda: Oh, I didn't, she wanted all three? I shudder to think what she eats when she's not on a diet. Dr. Hinge: Don't say mothers on a diet? Dame Hilda: Well, that's what she told me. When I took up the bacon, eggs and sausage, she reckoned three sausages was far too much, and she insisted I bring one back down. Dr. Hinge: Oh, good. I love cold sausages. Dame Hilda: Then you're out of luck. When I was half way down the stairs, she changed her mind. Well, she said, she is on holiday, and this is her first morning. It won't be like it every day. Dr. Hinge: You bet your life it won't. It won't be like this tomorrow for a start. I'll make the breakfast tomorrow for all of us. It will be eaten down here, fully dressed at eight o'clock sharp, and will consist of tea and toast. Dame Hilda: I am looking forward to it. But you shouldn't get yourself so het up, dear, the arteries on your neck are standing out like fire hoses. Oh, well, that's another job jobbed. I say, Evadne, I can't quite seem to turn this tap off properly, it will keep dripping. Dr. Hinge: Here, let me have a go. There you are, nothing to it, all it needed was a good firm twist. Now, if you’ve finally finished in here, can we please go and practice that song we're supposed to be performing at the over 60s supper? It is on Saturday, you know. Dame Hilda: Oh, very well, let's go through. Though I can't think what you're worrying about, you've been practising it ever since you got up.Dr. Hinge: Yes, but you haven't. Dame Hilda: Well, I don't need as much practice as you do. You don't when the talent is natural. But still, if it'll make you happy. Dr. Hinge: Oh, come on, then, let's make a start. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne! Just look at the state of this drawing room and you haven't even plumped the cushions up. Dr. Hinge: Maud can do that when she gets here. Dame Hilda: Maud's got quite enough to do. And what about all those walnut shells scattered around the waste paper basket? Dr. Hinge: Yes. mother’s not a very good shot, is she? Dame Hilda: I'm afraid none of us were very good shots by the time we'd finished both bottles last night. But you could have picked them up. Dr. Hinge: But if you think they're going to be too much for Maud, mother can pick them up. It's probably about as close as she'll get to pulling her weight in this house. Hilda! will you just leave those cushions alone and come and do this song? Otherwise, mother will be down and that will be the end of our day. Dame Hilda: Oh, very well. But I know that song, the Temple Bell backwards. I know the entire score of the Mousmé backwards. Dr. Hinge: That's as may be, but I thought on Saturday we might try forwards for a change. Dame Hilda: Oh, I wouldn't attempt anything clever, dear, just play it the way you've always played it, I'll stay with you somehow. Dr. Hinge: Well, we shall soon see.
Dame Hilda: Well, there you are, Evadne, that's me done. I told you I knew it backwards and forwards. Now, you carry on practising on your own. Sounds as though you need it. You'll be alright by Saturday. Oh, that will be Maud. You know, I think we'd better ask her to start in here today, as your mother's not down yet and then when Maureen comes down Maud can go up and that way we should be able to keep them apart at least until lunch time. Dr. Hinge: We really should have booked into a hotel for a few days. Dame Hilda: You don't think that might have looked a bit inhospitable? Dr. Hinge: Mmm! Maud: Good morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor, Dame Hilda: Good morning Maud. Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud. Maud: Well, is she ‘ere? Dame Hilda: Oh, she's here, dear, yes. Maud: I thought she were. Soon as I seed a strange ‘at on the ‘at stand, me ‘eart sank. Dr. Hinge: If you're referring to the sombrero Maud, that's Dame Hilda’s. Mother carried it all the way from Mexico for her. Dame Hilda: And a lasso! Dr. Hinge: And you should just see her in it. She looks like one of the Beverley hillbillies. Maud: That I doubt, Doctor, I've yet to see an ‘at as Dame ilda couldn't wear. No matter ‘ow daft it might have looked afore she got it on ‘er ‘ead. Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud. Anyway, Evadne I look a darn sight more becoming in my hat than you do in your poncho. You look like a badly made wigwam. Maud: I see you've got nut shells all over yer carpet already then, Dame ‘ilda. I've still not finished finding ‘em from the last time she were ‘ere. Dr. Hinge: If you cleaned properly in the first place they might not prove so persistent. Maud: I don't know about persistent, Doctor. But only yesterday morning, I found nut shells in your drawers, and I don't care who you are that's no place to put yer nuts! Dame Hilda: Well, we don’t know for sure that it was Maureen, dear, it could have been almost anybody over Christmas. Maud: Oh, any road I suppose I best be making a start.Dr. Hinge: And about time too. Maud: But where to start for the best I wonder. I suppose she's made the ‘ole place look like a tip, Dame ‘ilda Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, you really mustn't speak like that about the Doctor's mother, dear. After all, she's a guest in this house. And I must insist that she's treated with due courtesy and respect. Anyhow, she's not really had time yet to make the place look like a tip she didn't arrive until eight o'clock last night. Dr. Hinge: And I think you'll find the kitchen well up to your own usual immaculate standards of tidiness and cleanliness, Maud. Dame Hilda’s has been in there all morning, slaving away so that you won't have to do a stroke more than usual. Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, you shouldn’t ‘ave. Dr. Hinge: That's what I told her. Maud: You should ‘ave left it all to me. Dr. Hinge: I told her that as well. Maud: I'd not ‘ave minded. Dr. Hinge: I'd never have dreamt of telling her that. Maud: Tell you what ’ow about if I start by making us all nice cuppa tea? Dame Hilda: Oh, that would be lovely, Maud, wouldn't it, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I don't want tea. I’ve just had breakfast. Dame Hilda: We’d love tea, Maud, thank you, dear. Maud: Very well, then. It'll not be long, Dame ‘ilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, you are an old grouch, Evadne, she was proffering an olive branch, dear. Dr. Hinge: She was proffering a teapot, Hilda. Dame Hilda: You know, I think my little goodwill gesture of doing the breakfast things may very well pay off and if I just pick those nut shells off the carpet as well, Dr. Hinge: You know what they say about having a dog and barking yourself. Dame Hilda: Well, I don't mind the odd bit of barking. Not if it'll help bury a bone of contention. Dr. Hinge: Do you have any idea what you're saying? Dame Hilda: Yes, I do, Evadne. What I'm saying is that thanks to my little efforts this morning we might, despite everything, manage to have a relatively trouble free day. Maud: Dame ‘ilda, Dame ilda!! Dr. Hinge: Well, that doesn't sound like a very auspicious beginning to me. Dame Hilda: What is it, Maud, dear? Maud: I can't get this tap on. Dr. Hinge: Oh, the stupid woman! Just leave her to me, I'll go. Dame Hilda: Not on your own, you won't. I don't want her upset, I'm coming with you. Dr. Hinge: Well, please yourself. {Kitchen.} Dr. Hinge: What have you done now, Maud? Dame Hilda: It's all right, dear, it's just that that tap was dripping earlier on, so I got the Doctor to turn it off for me. Maud: Oh, I see. and I suppose she didn't know that sooner or later we'd be wanting to turn it on again. Dr. Hinge: What I didn't know, Maud, was that I was the only one in this entire household capable of turning a tap off and on. Maud: Well, you do know now, don't you? Dame Hilda: Well, there's no need to look so angry, Evadne, we all live and learn. Dr. Hinge: Some of us faster than others. Oh, stand aside the pair of you and let me get at it! Now watch closely and I will show you how it's done, then next time perhaps you'll be able to do it for yourselves. So, one takes the top of the tap in the right hand and if the object is to turn it on, one turns it to the right. Mmmm! Dame Hilda: Is anything the matter, dear?Dr. Hinge: No, nothing. Dame Hilda: You're not straining yourself, are you? Well, the arteries in your neck are standing out again. Dr. Hinge: Maud, what have you done to this tap? Maud: I ain't done nothing, Doctor. ‘sep try to turn it on. Dr. Hinge: You're sure you've been turning it the right way? Maud: I ain't a complete blithering idiot, Doctor, we do ‘ave taps at ‘ome. Dr. Hinge: You've not hit it with anything. Maud: Not ‘it it, Doctor, exactly no, though I did give it a light little tap with the mincer! Dame Hilda: With the mincer? Maud: That always seems to work at ‘ome. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, pass me the monkey wrench, would you? Dame Hilda: Oh, I'm awfully sorry, dear. It seems I've come without my tools. Dr. Hinge: It's in the bottom of the cupboard over there. Dame Hilda: And what exactly does it look like? Dr. Hinge: It looks like a monkey wrench. Dame Hilda: Well, that doesn't mean a thing to me, Evadne? I've never had call to wrench a monkey. Maud: It’s that thing on the side there, Dame ‘ilda? as looks like a very big pair of crackers for cracking very big nuts. I were going to tap the tap with that, but I reckon the mincer were a might ‘eavier. Dame Hilda: Oh, here you are, then, Evadne. One monkey wrench and don't hit it too hard, dear, we don't want it coming off. Dr. Hinge: I'm not going to hit it, Hilda. Merely turn it very gently. There, it's on. Dame Hilda: On? Dr. Hinge: On! Dame Hilda: Well, I'm well aware this is probably technically over my head but... shouldn't water be coming out? Dr. Hinge: Maud, what have you done to this tap? Maud: Well, I certainly ain't sucked all the water out of it. Maureen: Hilda! Hilda! Dr. Hinge: Well, good heavens, the kraken wakes. Maureen: Is anybody down there? Dame Hilda: Yes, Maureen. What is it, dear? Maureen: There's no water coming from the cold tap up here. Dame Hilda: No, and there's none coming from the one down here either. Maureen: Oh, well, that's comforting. Dr. Hinge: The water's off, mother. Maureen: But I must say that a great help when one's about to take a bath. Dr. Hinge: Mother, will you please stop shouting? Maureen: ALL RIGHT MONA!! I’m on my way down. Dame Hilda: Trust you to open your big mouth, Evadne. Maud: Dame ‘ilda. Dame Hilda: What, Maud? Maud: Should I slip the monkey wrench back in the cupboard? Just in case any of us is tempted to use it on ‘er. Dame Hilda: Now Maud, dear, I've told you before, Maureen is a guest in this house. Still, just to be on the safe side, perhaps you'd better. Maureen: Right, good morning, everybody, mother's here. Now, what exactly seems to be the trouble? Dr. Hinge: We don't know, mother. Maureen: Well, how longs your water going to be off then? Dr. Hinge: We don't know that, either. Maureen: You don't seem to know much, do you? And what's anybody doing about it? Dame Hilda: Quite honestly, Maureen. We haven't had much time to do anything about it yet. You see, Maud just came in here to make a cup of tea. Maureen: Oh, I see. So you're at the bottom of it, are you, Maud? I might have guessed when I saw you standing there with a monkey wrench in your hand, you've done something silly with it, haven't you? Maud: Not as yet, I ‘aven't, madam. Dame Hilda: No, no, Maureen. It's not Maud's fault. Well, I don't think it's Maud's fault. You see, that tap was dripping, I couldn't turn it off properly so I got Evadne to turn it off. Maureen: What are we talking about here? The water or the tap? Dr. Hinge: The tap, mother. Maureen: Just so long as we get things clear. Right, Hilda, carry on then, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, then Maud arrived and couldn't turn it on again. Maud: Nor could the Doctor. Dame Hilda: Now, I was coming to that, Maud, nor could Evadne. None of us could. Well, to be quite honest, I didn't try. There really didn't seem much point as I was the one who couldn't turn it off in the first place. Maureen: I see. So now you're having to take the tap off. Dame Hilda: I don't think so. Are we Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Well, of course we're not taking it off. Maud: I may be being a bit dense ‘ere madam, but I'll be blowed if I can see ‘ow taking the tap off might get the water back on. And even if it did, well, then we'd ‘ave water running all over the place, because we wouldn't ‘ave nothing to turn it off with, would we? not ‘aving a tap like. Dame Hilda: I'm lost Maureen: It's a shame she's not. What I'm saying makes perfect sense. You see, I've seen this problem before. And it's ten to one, you're unable to get your tap turned on, because you're unable to get a proper purchase on it. So the obvious answer is to remove the tap and put it in a vice or something where you can really get at it. Am I not right, Mona? Dr. Hinge: I wish you'd stop calling me Mona, mother! Maureen: But you were christened, Mona. Mona. Dr. Hinge: Quite possibly mother. But there's nothing wrong with our tap. Maureen: I'm sorry, I thought I understood Hilda to say that you couldn't turn it on. Dr. Hinge: It wasn't me who couldn't turn it on. It was Maud. Maud: And that weren't through no fault of my own, Doctor, if you ‘adn't turned it off too tight. Dame Hilda: Oh, we're not going through all that again, what does it matter who did it? Dr. Hinge: It doesn't. The short answer mother, is that our tap is fine, it turns, look, it's off, it's on, it's off, it's on. Maureen: Well, if your tap's on, where’s your water? Dame Hilda: Well, that's just what we were wondering when you came in. So now you know as much as we do. Dr. Hinge: Which isn't very much. Maud: It's a bit of a flummox, innit? Maureen: I don't know so much about a flummox. But I ran a bath of piping hot water a few minutes ago and now it seems there's no cold water to cool it down with. Well, any suggestions? Dame Hilda: I suppose you could always go back to bed. Dr. Hinge: Or sit by the bath for the next few hours blowing on it. Maureen: Oh, honestly. Dame Hilda: I tell you what, there may still be a few ice cubes in the fridge. That's if we didn't use them all last night in our tequila high balls. Maud: Should I pop out and see if there's any water in the watering can? Maureen: Well, if nobody's got any sensible suggestions perhaps we could at least make some effort to establish how long this emergency is likely to last. And whether or not water is available elsewhere in Stackton? Maud: Perhaps I should phone my Arthur and see if the water's on at ‘ome. ‘e’ll know cos when I left ‘im ‘e were cleaning out ‘is goldfish. Maureen: I hate to have to admit it, Maud, but that's not such a bad idea. Maud: If I might use the phone then, Dame ‘ilda?. Dame Hilda: Of course you can. Maureen: Oh, and Maud, if your water is on you might ask your Arthur to fetch a few buckets up here? Maud: Oh, I doubt ‘e’d do that, madam, ‘e ain't no Gunga Din. But ‘e might be willing to let you pop down there and use ‘is bath. That is, if you not mind sharing it with ‘is goldfish. Anyhow, we'll see. I'll not be long. Dame Hilda: Well, you can't say it fairer than that, Maureen, can you? Dr. Hinge: Would you like us to run you down there? Dame Hilda: I'll pop up and fetch your sponge bag, shall I? Maureen: You’ll do no such thing, I'd sooner use the horse trough. Dr. Hinge: Very well, we'll run you down there then. Though it is right beside a bus stop. Dame Hilda: I can lend you a coat to throw your dressing gown and you can always borrow Evadne’s bus pass. Maureen: What's come over you two this morning? You appear to have gone completely to pieces. Here we are with no water and you're joking about it like a couple of school girls. Dr. Hinge: What makes you think we're joking? Dame Hilda: I was joking. Dr. Hinge: Well, I wasn't. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne you really are too bad, if I'd been your mother I'd have had you adopted. Maureen: You don't suppose I didn't think of that, but I couldn't find anyone willing to take her. Dr. Hinge: Why don't you go and jump in your bath? Maureen: Believe me, my girl, there's nothing I'd like to do more, but I'm not going to scold myself just to please you. I need cold water. Dame Hilda: Isn't it funny, Maureen, how the minute we're without something, we can't think of a single thing to do without whatever it is we're without. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Lord, she's getting philosophical. Dame Hilda: No, no, it's true, Evadne. I mean, I was standing here just thinking how much I would love a cup of tea and I thought, well, you can't have a cup of tea for a while so you'd better get on with something else. And I thought, I know. I'll just rinse out those few hankies, no water. So then I thought those pot plants in the drawing room looked as if they could do with a drink, but again, no water. And then I looked down on the floor there and I saw the cat's saucer was empty and I was just about to pick it up and fill it when I remembered we've got no milk either. Maud: Sorry I’ve been so long, Dame ‘ilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud, dear, what's the news? Maud: Well, I couldn't get no answer from ‘ome, so I give old Mrs. Wiggins round the corner ‘ere a ring, and she says, yes, we're cut off, official. And then she says, didn’t you ‘ave no card through yer door? So I goes and ‘as a peek and sure enough we ‘ad. It were under the door mat. Dr. Hinge: It's a shame you don't look under that door mat more often. Maureen: I dread to think what you might find. Dame Hilda: Well, let's see what it says then, shall we? Oh, good heavens, they're carrying out major repairs to the mains, Evadne, and it's going to be off for two or three days. Maureen: Do you mean we'll have no water for two or three days? Dame Hilda: Well, yes, dear, except for one hour every morning and one hour every evening when they're putting it back on. Maud: Oh, that'll be so that we can fill up all our receptacles. Maureen: So what am I supposed to do about my bath? Dame Hilda: Well, you'll be able to get some cold into it between five and six this evening. But of course, I suppose it'll be cold by then anyway. Maud: Won't they be putting the ‘ot back on as well, Dame ‘ilda? Dame Hilda: Oh, be quiet Maud, please. Dr. Hinge: Anyway, if water's going to be so precious, we might very well need that bath full. I'm sorry, but you’d best forget your bath mother and go out and have a roll in the dust. Maureen: Well, that does it. I don't wish to appear as if I'm deserting a sinking ship, Hilda. But I don't think it's right for all of us to be here without proper running water. So if you don't mind, I think I'll just pop upstairs, put a few things in a bag and book into the White Hart for a few days. Dame Hilda: Well, I must say, I don't really blame you, Maureen. Maureen: Well, I'll let you know when I'm off. Dame Hilda: You know, that's not a bad idea, Evadne. Why don't we book into a hotel as well? Dr. Hinge: You must be joking, I wouldn't want to be at the White Hart with mother. Dame Hilda: I wasn't thinking of the White Hart, dear. I was thinking of the Angel, in Bury St Edmonds. Dr. Hinge: But that's over 20 miles away. Dame Hilda: Exactly!
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
