Getting It Together.

Dame Hilda: Although Evadne and I do have a good deal in common; there are areas in which we are simply light years apart. And I don't mean the obvious ones like height, age and dress sense. I mean, take sex appeal. I don't know why. This may be something lacking in me, but I just don't have Evadne’s penchant for attracting men in corduroy caps and mittens. Mind, I get flowers on St. Valentine's Day. She gets jars of malt extract. And then, of course, there's the house. You might say that if my half is spring in Park lane, hers is winter in Wolverhampton. Imagine my surprise then, when one morning a week or so ago, Evadne suddenly for the very first time, began showing a disconcerting interest in the furniture in the drawing room.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, why are you measuring the back of that Settee, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I want to know how long it is, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: But it's that that time you've done it this morning. Is it growing or something?

Dr. Hinge: Well to be quite frank, dear, I still have some difficulty converting inches to centimetres.

Dame Hilda: I can't think why, dear. Surely you remember all those little rhymes. The papers were full of them at one time. A litre of water's a pint and three quarters.

Dr. Hinge: Not a lot of help if you're trying to measure something dear.

Dame Hilda: As a matter of fact, I made one up myself to cover that sort of thing. 2.54 centimetres laid out in a row looks almost the same as an inch you know. Does that help?

Dr. Hinge: No.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, I do try.

Dr. Hinge: This tape measure doesn't help much either. It's too short for one thing.

Dame Hilda: Well, put your finger where it ends and move it.

Dr. Hinge: I know the technique, Hilda. The real trouble is that it goes up to 60 inches on one side and only 59 inches on the other.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Evadne. It's perfectly obvious that both sides are exactly the same length.

Dr. Hinge: You know what I mean? There are 60 inches marked on the inches side, but only 59 inches on the centimetre side.

Dame Hilda: There shouldn't be any inches at all on the centimetre side. It should be all in centimetres, surely.

Dr. Hinge: It is! 

Dame Hilda: There you are, then.

Dr. Hinge: But it only goes up to 59 inches in centimetres.

Dame Hilda: Are you trying to tell me that you've got a faulty tape measure?

Dr. Hinge: No, I expect they're all the same.

Dame Hilda: Then what are you grizzling about?

Dr. Hinge: I am not grizzling. I am just saying it makes things somewhat difficult.

Dame Hilda: Tape measures my dear, have been in use an awful long time, you know? I bet you're the first person who's ever found fault with the design. Anyway, how long do you make it?

Dr. Hinge: I've told you. It's 60 inches on one side.

Dame Hilda: Not the tape measure, dear, the settee!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I make that 73 inches.

Dame Hilda: Well, you're wrong.

Dr. Hinge: How do you know?

Dame Hilda: It's a six foot settee, dear, it's 72 inches.

Dr. Hinge: It's 73 inches.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, why has the length of my settee become so important to you, dear? You're not thinking of sleeping on it, are you? I mean, it's far too short for that.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I did want it to be a little surprise, Hilda, but I'm afraid I’ve rather spoiled it, haven't I?

Dame Hilda: You've not been buying loose covers, have you? I mean, I don't want a settee that looks like yours. Brown moquette. It's like sitting on a camel, only your settee's got more humps.

Dr. Hinge: I have not been buying loose covers, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, thank the lord for that.

Dr. Hinge: I've bought you a new settee!

Dame Hilda: Oh, merciful heavens.

Dr. Hinge: As a present.

Dame Hilda: You haven't.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you're always complaining that I don't take enough interest in the house. So the other day I decided to turn over a new leaf.

Dame Hilda: And underneath it you found a settee. Well, it really is very sweet of you, Evadne But where on earth are we going to put it dear?

Dr. Hinge: It'll replace that old thing.

Dame Hilda: Are you referring to my Hepplewhite?

Dr. Hinge: That is not a Hepplewhite.

Dame Hilda: It's not a bad shot at one. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen a genuine Hepplewhite quite as nice as that.

Dr. Hinge: Only the other day you said it was looking shabby.

Dame Hilda: I was contemplating having it reupholstered, dear. I was not contemplating chucking it out. It's just that wear and tear and the passing years have taken their toll. And God knows you should be able to understand that better than anyone. Do you know where I bought that settee?

Dr. Hinge: Of course I do. Little Hampton.

Dame Hilda: Well, fancy you remembering that.

Dr. Hinge: How could I ever forget? The settee cost 25 pounds and getting it home cost 30.

Dame Hilda: Such a quaint little antique shop.

Dr. Hinge: Antique shop my foot. It was a junk shop that had somehow strayed into Sussex and acquired ideas above its station.

Dame Hilda: It was no such thing. There were some very beautiful pieces there. And that settee was one of them.

Dr. Hinge: Well, keep it then.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now I've upset you, haven't I? I didn't mean to be offhand about your little present, dear. Well, when I say little, how big is it?

Dr. Hinge: Well, that’s what worries me, Hilda, In the shop, it looked about the same size as that one. But I fancy it might be a little bit bigger.

Dame Hilda: Don't worry, Evadne. We'll get it in somehow. You know, I can't wait to see it really, dear. Your taste is always so wonderfully fundamental. I mean, take your bedroom. It's pure Alcatraz. I say, Evadne, what's that very strange smell coming from the kitchen?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good heavens, I nearly forgot. That's our lunch dear.

Dame Hilda: What on earth is it?

Dr. Hinge: It's something a bit different.

Dame Hilda: Yes, it smells it

Dr. Hinge: It's just a potage. Oatmeal, barley and I chucked in all sorts of things I found in the garden.

Dame Hilda: Oh, so your old Wellington boots turned up after all. It’s a mercy we didn't have a tortoise.

Dr. Hinge: It's been simmering all morning. I must go and have a look at it in a minute.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I wouldn't do that, dear, it might attack you. I say Evadne, did I show you this, dear?

Dr. Hinge: What is it?

Dame Hilda: I found it in the music emporium yesterday. Look, it's a score of that show ‘As you were.’

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes.

Dame Hilda: Remember, we did a song from it in that charity review at Scarborough years ag

Dr. Hinge: Yes, you're right.

Dame Hilda: And the man in the front row, wearing the monocle, he kept throwing roses at me.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. I cut my foot on one.

Dame Hilda: Well, how was I to know they were porcelain?

Dr. Hinge: He did keep shouting, catch!

Dame Hilda: Many’s the afternoon we spent together, sheltering from the wind and eating sugar replicas of the floral hall. He absolutely adored that song we did, two little bits of grease. Shall we, should we do it now, dear? Just for real time's sake.

 Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well, dear, Give it here. And if anyone starts throwing roses, for heavens sake, catch them.

Two little ladies in the chorus with not a cent to spend.

We have a meat less day before us ‘till we can meet a friend.

I'm very hungry. I'm so thirsty. Why did I leave my home?

How's a girl to live on the wage they give at the Grecian hippodrome?

Two little bits of grease, two little bits of grease. bits of grease without a doubt,

should be promptly taken out.

So stand us a lunch a piece, down in the golden fleece. Nice little lunch for two and two, bill and

coo, come on do, we'll absolutely stick to you like two little bits of grease.

Eight shows a week for fifteen drachma by eight, isn’t that a bit too thick.

Just let them wait until they sack me, I’ll tell ‘em off and quick.

Well, never mind, buck up, little dally, why don’t you pawn your pearls?

Cause they’re like your rings, made of tattier things. Well, of all the spiteful girls.

Two little bits of grease, two little bits of grease. bits of grease without a doubt,

should be promptly taken out.

So stand us a lunch a piece, down in the golden fleece. Nice little lunch for two and two, bill and

coo, come on do, we'll absolutely stick to you like two little bits of grease.

Two little bits of grease, two little bits of grease. bits of grease without a doubt,

should be promptly taken out.

So stand us a lunch a piece, down in the golden fleece. Nice little lunch for two and two, bill and

coo, come on do, we'll absolutely stick to you like two little bits of grease. Whoop!

Dr. Hinge: You know, listening to that song again, Hilda, you'd think that man would have given you lunch, wouldn't you, rather than just sugar replicas of the floral hall?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I fancy he was a bit mean, dear. That's probably why he wore a monocle instead of glasses.

Dr. Hinge: Talking of lunch, I must just go and peep at my potage.

Dame Hilda: Well mind how you go, dear, don't fall in.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: It's alright, Evadne I'll go. It's probably just someone to complain about the smell.

Delivery man: Good morning. Madam. D. D. F. W!

Dame Hilda: Good heavens, it's Jimmy Young.

Delivery man: It’s Davenports discount furniture warehouse, madam. Delivering, if you were just to sign there, number 23, settee!

Dame Hilda: Where's the settee?

Delivery man: There in the box.

Dame Hilda: But that's just a big flat box. I mean, it may possibly contain the top of a billiard table, but it most certainly does not contain a settee!

Delivery man: What's it say on the end of that box, madam?

Dame Hilda: Open other end.

Delivery man: And what's it say on this end?

Dame Hilda: Open other end.

Delivery man: No, no, no, no. Just below that.

Dame Hilda: Sophia. Whatever it is, it was obviously made in Bulgaria. Sophia’s the capital, you know.

Delivery Man: Where is the i?

Dame Hilda: The i what?

Delivery man: I'll tell you what. Look. Let us take a look at that word. Very closely together, madam. Shall we ‘ey? ‘ey, we won't rush it. We will take our time. And we will take it, letter by letter. Now then, what do we get? S-O-F-A. Sofa! And how about the delivery sheet then, eh? What does that say at number 23? S-E-T-T E-E. settee!

Dame Hilda: If it was made in Bulgaria, it's probably an Ottoman.

Delivery man: I beg your pardon.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought that would be above your head. The Ottoman Empire, dear?

Delivery man: I never go to the theatre. Look. Are you gonna sign number 23? Or am I gonna take that back?

Dame Hilda: I suggest you take it back and see if you can find our settee.

Dr. Hinge: What is going on out here, Hilda? I could hear you in the kitchen.

Delivery man: Look, look, let's try again, shall we? A fresh start, a new beginning. Good morning madam. D-D-F-W!

Dame Hilda: That’s Davenports discount warehouse, Evadne!

Delivery man:  You keep out of it.

Dame Hilda: Now, just a minute...

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, let me deal with this.

Delivery man: If... if... you’ll just sign ‘ere madam. At number 23, one, S-E-T-T E E.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see.

Dame Hilda: What do you see, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: It's a flat pack, dear.

Delivery man:  Theirs not to do or die. Theirs but to DIY.

Dr. Hinge: Precisely. There's your signature. And good day to you.

Delivery man: Good day to you, too madam.And have fun.

Dame Hilda: DIY, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: It's self-assembly, there.

Dame Hilda: I know perfectly well what DIY stands for.

Dr. Hinge: Furniture you can make at home.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and all you need is an ordinary cabinet maker's chisel, a pot of wood glue and an eight-pound mallet. Well, I'm not having anything to do with it, thank you. All my life, I've had my furniture made for me and I do not intend to lower my standards now. What on earth did you buy that for?

Dr. Hinge: Well, to tell you the truth, dear, I didn't know I had. I just pointed at a perfectly ordinary looking settee and said, I'll have that one. I mean, I was in an out in five minutes.

Dame Hilda: Oh you’re always dreadfully dangerous when you shop like that, dear. Remember, that's how you got your bell-bottomed trousers and your beret.

Dr. Hinge: Get into the other end of that box, Hilda, and help me carry it into the drawing room. We'll have it together in no time at all. You'll see.

{Drawing room!}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, pass me 19 millimetre self-tapping screw, would you, dear?

Dame Hilda: What does one of those look like?

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's 19 millimetres long for a start. That should provide a clue.

Dame Hilda: Can I have the tape measure, please?

Dr. Hinge: You don’t need it, 19 millimetres is the largest screw we have. It's obviously that one there.

Dame Hilda: Well, why don't you just point there and say one of those there?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, give it here. And a screw cup, dear, one of those there.

Dame Hilda: These?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: There you are.

Dr. Hinge: And a screw cap.

Dame Hilda: I've just given you one Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: That was a screw cup, Hilda. I now want a screw cap.

Dame Hilda: You must have had a screw loose to have bought this thing.

Dr. Hinge: Now, we just tighten that up and now we place part A on part B. These dowels on A should drop into these holes on B. That's it lay it on, Hilda. Easy, easy. Now, just gently push your side on.

Dame Hilda: It won’t go on, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Push it a bit harder then.

Dame Hilda: It still won’t go on!

Dr. Hinge: Then thump it with your fist!

Dame Hilda: Oh, honestly! {Thump!} Ooh! That’s done it!

Dr. Hinge: Right. And now I'll push my side on. And there we are.

Dame Hilda: We're not you know,

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: When you pushed your side on, my side came off again. Yours went down and mine came up. So it's right back where we started.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's simple enough. All you have to do here is push your side down again.

Dame Hilda: Very well. Right, it's down.

Dr. Hinge: Now, mine's up.

Dame Hilda: Shall we leave it a day or two and come back to it when we're fresh?

Dr. Hinge: No, no. What we have to do, obviously, is push together.

Dame Hilda: All right, then, right. Now, after three, then. Ready? One, two, three and push! It's on. I say, does it look right to you?

Dr. Hinge: No.

Dame Hilda: No, I thought not. The casters should be at the bottom, shouldn’t they? Oh, that will be Maud. I bet she's put a settee or two together in her time.

Dr. Hinge: I bet she's reduced a few to matchwood. Don’t involve her, I beg you.

Maud: Oh, good morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Morning, Maud.

Dame Hilda: Morning dear.

Maud: Oh, ‘ad a bit of an accident ‘ave you? What were it?

Dame Hilda:  It were...was a mistake, dear, it's supposed to be a settee. It's a present from the doctor.

Maud: And are you taking it to bits or putting it together?

Dame Hilda: Well, to tell you the truth, dear, we've been doing a bit of both, haven't we, Evadne? 

Maud: You know, my Arthur won't let me do nothing like that. He won't ‘ave me so much as pick up an ‘ammer in the ‘ouse.

Dr. Hinge: Can't say I blame him.

Maud: ‘e says it ain't fit work for a lady, Doctor. And I'm surprised to see Dame ‘ilda soiling ‘er beautiful ‘ands with a four by two, two by four and all them dirty screws.

Dr. Hinge: I can assure you Maud that Dame Hilda has not done very much to soil her beautiful hands. All she's done so far is drop several screws down the side of the armchair. Put four casters on upside down and attempted to make something out of all the small off cuts of timber put in the box of packing.

Dame Hilda: We can’t all be little Hepplewhites, Evadne, Can we? Now perhaps, briefly, we could find something a little more interesting than settees to talk about.

Maud: Bird seed!

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Maud: You don't’appen to ‘ave any bird seed lying about do you, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: No, I'm afraid we don't. We don't use it any more since we went over to muesli. Well, the bird seed used to get in Evadne’s teeth, you see. And I couldn't stand her chirping.

Dr. Hinge: Wait a minute, surely you have to pass the pet shop on the way up here, Maud? You should have popped in there.

Maud: Well, I did once, Doctor, for some cuttlefish. But I've never been back since.

Dame Hilda: Why not dear?

Maud: Well, I don't think ‘e'd let me in again. Though it weren't my fault. It were them ‘amsters. I didn't run up ‘is trouser leg.

Dr. Hinge: I bet he looked on that as a blessing.

Dame Hilda: Are you saying that a hamster ran up the man’s trouser leg and he took it out on you? Oh, no, no, that’s not quite what I meant.

Maud: You see, when I went in for a cuttlefish, Dame ‘ilda, ‘e was showing ‘is ‘amsters to someone.

Dame Hilda: Let's move on, dear, shall we? Before we get into trouble.

Maud: So while I were waiting like, I thought I'd just ‘ave a wander around ‘is shop.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I think I'm beginning to see.

Maud: Well, there was this tiny little monkey see. Ever so sweet ‘e were. So I poked me finger through ‘is wire and ‘e grabbed it with ‘is teeth.

Dr. Hinge: Wouldn’t you think she’d know better after Albert and the lion?

Maud: If ‘e'd been a lion, Doctor, I'd not ‘ave put me finger in.

Dr. Hinge: If it'd been a lion, Maud, you ought to have put your head in.

Dame Hilda: Don't be quite so sharp, Evadne. I want to hear the end of this. So what happened then?

Maud: Well, quite unwittingly, I let out a little cry. And that's when the man fell off ‘is ladder.

Dame Hilda: What was he doing up the ladder with a hamster dear? Was it a performing one?

Maud: No, ‘e was fetching down a cage for the lad that ‘ad bought the ‘amster. The amster weren't up the ladder. The man were.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Maud: Till ‘e fell. Then ‘e dropped the cage. And the lad dropped the ‘amster. And the ’amster ran right up the man's trouser leg. And that's what set the gorilla going. Well, ‘e were a sort of gorilla. Great big hairy thing. A chimpanzee, if you like.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, gosh. David Attenborough would love her?

Maud: And the man were jumping up and down in one corner, shaking ‘is trousers. The gorilla was jumping up and down in the other, shaking ‘is bars. And I think ‘e thought it was sort of dance, you see. Mind once ‘e'd smashed ‘is way out of ‘is cage and grabbed ‘old of the man, it were a dance. The birds were screeching, the dogs were barking and there were terrapins everywhere. And that's how I got my finger out.

Dame Hilda: How dear?

Maud: Yeah, well, when I thought no one were looking, I poked my other finger in the little monkey's eye. ‘e soon let go all right. But I think that's what really upset the man. So you see, I don't really like to go back there just for a packet of bird seed.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think you're probably right, dear. I'd wait till it's blown over.

Dr. Hinge: I'd wait until the shops changed hands.

Maud: Well, I'd best be getting on with me chores and when I've done, I'll give you ‘and,  and sling that thing together for you if you like. Oh, I don't care what they tells yer, Dame ‘ilda. There's only one thing that's wanted for a job like that. brute force!

Dame Hilda: You know, she could be right, Evadne;.

Dr. Hinge: I don't think so, Hilda. We've already tried that.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: Now who on earth can that be! I'll go. It's all right, Maud, dear. I'll get it.

Delivery man: Morning, madam.

Dame Hilda: Good Lord, it's not you again.

Delivery man;  D.D.F.W.

Both: Davenports discount furniture warehouse! Snap!

Dame Hilda: We appear to have become inseparable. I say, you've not come to take it back by any chance have you, please.

Delivery man: On the contrary, I have brought you another box,

Dame Hilda: Another one?

Delivery man: If you'll just sign there at number 59.

Dame Hilda: Evadne! Evadne! It's typical of her, you know. She even bought two berets with her bell bottom trousers.

Dr. Hinge: What is it now, Hilda? Oh, it's you again.

Dame Hilda: He's brought another one.

Dr. Hinge: Well, he can jolly well take it away again. It’s obviously a mistake.

Delivery man: Well, of course, if you don't want a cushions,

Dame Hilda: Cushions?

Delivery man:  Most of settees have them these days, but they come in a separate box, and that's what you got there. Didn't you think it was a bit ‘ard to sit on?

Dame Hilda: Oh, good gracious me. We haven't got that far.

Delivery man: You’re taking your time, aren't you?

Dame Hilda: Well, if you're so darned clever, you come in and do it.

Delivery Man: Well, if you're so darned helpless, perhaps I'd better.

Dr. Hinge: Are you serious?

Delivery man: Well, I'll have a look at it for you if you like, dear. Where is it?

Dame Hilda: Come in, I'll show you. Follow me. It's in here. There!

Delivery man: Oh, god, bless my soul. What have you been doing? You’re ‘alf way to building a model of a mosque. ‘ere what you put that bit on there for?

Dame Hilda: Well, we thought that's where it went.

Delivery man: Have either of you ever seen a settee?

Dame Hilda: Well, not in pieces, no?

Delivery man: I mean, a child could do it. I mean, a monkey could do it.

Dame Hilda: Well, I happen to know where there's one with one eye he could come in. Maybe you'd just like me to fetch the cats in and let them have a crack at it.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, let him get on with it, dear. I'm sure he knows how to do it much better than we do.

Delivery Man: You got any particular reason for wanting your arms upside down, have you?

Dame Hilda: None.

Delivery man: Now. How about the casters? Or was you planning to wheel it up and down the ceiling?

Dr. Hinge: Hold your tongue, dear, and count your blessings.

Delivery man:  Of course, what we really need here, you know, is a drop of decent wood glue.

Dame Hilda: I knew that would come up. And an ordinary cabinet maker's chisel and an eight-pound mallet.

Delivery man: You what?

Dame Hilda: They always say you don't need them, but you're always do in the end.

Delivery man: Well, you wouldn't if you hadn't made such a dog's dinner of it. Look, you see them? You’ve burred your screws and you've splayed your dowels.

Dame Hilda:  I've not done my back much good either.

Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilder. But what's this horrible smelly sticky stuff I've found on the stove?

Dr. Hinge: Oh good heavens! It’s not been boiling, has it, Maud?

Maud: I've no idea what it's been doing, Doctor. But whatever it is, it's not done it much good be the looks of it.

Dame Hilda: Oh, what a shame, Evadne, You’re potage has just gone to pot.

Dr. Hinge: It's absolutely ruined. I shall have to throw it away.

Delivery man:  Just a minute, just a minute. Not so fast. let’s ‘ave a decco, Give it here.

Dame Hilda: You're not going to eat it, surely.

Delivery man: No, no. But I fancy a dab of that, might do to hold your settee together, darling. There, there, that's perfect.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor