Dame Hilda: Life is full of unexpected little pleasures, like the days when Evadne won't speak to me. Mind, not all my unexpected pleasures are as straightforward as that. And sometimes what I consider to be a pleasure is considered by other people quite unaccountably to be a pain in the neck. We had one like that not long ago. It all started one bright and sunny morning, when I returned to the old manse from visiting an acquaintance in the village who was unwell.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Cooee! Evadne, I’m back.

Dr. Hinge: And about time too. There's a cup of cold coffee in the pot if you want one.

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry, dear. I'm afraid I was a bit longer than I intended to be.

Dr. Hinge: By my watch, you were nearly two hours longer than you intended to be.

Dame Hilda: Well, you know Cecily Pilkington, dear, one doesn't just pop in and out. Mind, her husband apparently did. Do you know he only stayed with her for three and a half weeks after they were married? Then he shot off up the Orinoco.

Dr. Hinge: I imagine that must have been a merciful release for him.

Dame Hilda: Oh, she's a funny woman, I'll say that. She's pleasant enough, but she really is very eccentric. The house is a tip, it's worse than your bedroom. I wonder you and she don't get on. You've got quite a lot in common, you know, she's an awful cook.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not being rude Evadne, but you should have seen the biscuits she made. Talk about hard tack. Well, I slipped mine under the table to the dogs. They sniffed at it, they slobbered over it, but none of them would eat it. So of course, I had to kick it back under the settee and snatch it up at the first possible moment.

Dr. Hinge: And having snatched it up, what did you do with it?

Dame Hilda: I've got it in my bag, dear. Do you want it?

Dr. Hinge: No, I don’t.

Dame Hilda: Good. Now, I thought it might come in handy as a stand for that geranium pot.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, what a pity you didn't take half a dozen, Hilda? We could have used them as coasters.

Dame Hilda: I wish I'd thought of that.

Dr. Hinge: So when are they taking her into hospital then?

Dame Hilda: Tomorrow morning.

Dr. Hinge: And who is going to look after her menagerie for her while she's away?

Dame Hilda: Oh, a number of people, everyone's rallied round. The next door neighbour's going to pop in and feed the cats. That new woman up at the kennels is taking the dogs in for free. Mousey Butler's having the tropical fish up at his place. And the school's going to look after the rabbits as a project. Oh, and the cockatoo is off somewhere or other. Which, of course, just leaves the monkey.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, yes, the monkey. I’d heard about the monkey. And what's happened to that, then? Someone has rallied round, presumably.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, someone's rallied round. Mind, monkeys aren't like other pets, Evadne, they're much more complicated creatures.

Dr. Hinge: Really, I didn't know you were so well up on monkeys. Well, go on.

Dame Hilda: Well, Cecily really loves that monkey.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I gathered that.

Dame Hilda: And that monkey really loves her.

Dr. Hinge: So it's reciprocal. How nice for them both.

Dame Hilda: But it's not awfully keen on anyone else. Not really keen. Not keen enough for her to trust them with it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see, she's got a problem then, hasn't she?

Dame Hilda: Well, she had, dear, yes, and then I walked in.

Dr. Hinge: I might have guessed it.

Dame Hilda: But I couldn't help it. He just took to me. And I have to admit that the feeling was pretty mutual. And he's got the most marvellously enormous orange brown eyes. Well, he looked at me and I looked at him.

Dr. Hinge: And you realised you were made for each other.

Dame Hilda: Anyway, to cut a long, but rather touching story short, I said I'd look after him.

Dr. Hinge: You're surely not going to move into that bungalow of Cecily Pilkington's while she’s away, are you​?

Dame Hilda: No, I'm not.

Dr. Hinge: No, of course you're not. If you were, you could look after the rest of the menagerie as well, couldn't you? So, just where is that monkey going to live, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, Evadne, before you get all het up and the veins, start standing up on your forehead. Let me remind you that you are very fond of animals. I mean, what about toads? You love toads.

Dr. Hinge: In their natural habitat, yes.

Dame Hilda: That one I caught you feeding in the kitchen wasn't in its natural habitat. It was in the washing up bowl.

Dr. Hinge: No. But I returned it to its natural habitat as soon as I'd finished feeding it.

Dame Hilda: And I shall return Lancelot to Cecily Pilkington as soon as she comes out of hospital. Her bungalow is the only natural habitat he knows.

Dr. Hinge: What does she call it?

Dame Hilda: The furs, spelt with a U.

Dr. Hinge: Not the bungalow, Hilda. The monkey. What does she call the monkey?

Dame Hilda: His name is Lancelot.

Dr. Hinge: Lancelot? What a stupid name for a monkey. I mean monkeys are always called Jacko or Congo or Toto. Something like that.

Dame Hilda: What about King Kong?

Dr. Hinge: Well, he wasn't really a monkey. Lancelot, I ask you.

Dame Hilda: Actually, it's Sir Lancelot. She bought him in Knightsbridge.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I wash my hands of the whole business. But if you said you'll have it, I suppose you’re stuck with it. Be it on your own head. We can only hope that Cecily Pilkington makes a rapid recovery.

Dame Hilda: I knew you'd come round. That's why I brought him back with me.

Dr. Hinge: You've had him here all the time.

Dame Hilda: He's out in the hall in his little basket with his little suitcase.

Dr. Hinge: His suitcase? What sort of monkey is this Hilda?

Dame Hilda: He's a capuchin monkey, he's South American. I suppose you'd be more at home with an orangutan.

Dr. Hinge: Not if he had his own suitcase.

Dame Hilda: Mind you, there's nothing Latin American about Lancelot. I think he's second or third generation English. His manners are impeccable. Well, for much of the time.

Dr. Hinge: And what does he keep in his little suitcase then? His little spats​?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear. Just his ordinary clothes. His little hat with a feather and his little blazer with brass buttons. And when we take him walkies….

Dr. Hinge: Walkies? What do you mean walkies?

Dame Hilda: Well, we've got to take him walkies every day.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I'm not going out with him. I'm not being seen walking the streets with a monkey with a feather in his hat. I am a town Councillor, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Then you should be used to the company of monkeys. Now I'll fetch him in and introduce him to you. Come along then, Lancelot. Come along, I'm going to carry you to the drawing room, and I'm going to take you out of your basket, and I'm going to introduce you to your auntie Evadne. There she is.

 {Monkey Squeaks.}

Dame Hilda: There, there, there. Oh, there's nothing to be afraid of. She might look like a bird of prey, but she's really quite nice. Except when she's conducting Wagner, and then it's really only Wagner who gets hurt. Isn't he gorgeous, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: I'll tell you whether he's gorgeous or not, when I see how he behaves?

Dame Hilda: I think he likes you. Would you like to hold him?

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no, thank you. Not just yet. Not until you're sure he likes me.

Dame Hilda: Well, Lancelot, would you like to go to your auntie Evadne?  {Monkey shrieks!} I think he's shy, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I think he's just darn rude.

Dame Hilda: He's highly intelligent, you know. And he loves music, I was singing to him all the way back in the car.

Dr. Hinge: Poor little thing. No wonder he looks embarrassed.

Dame Hilda: And do you know the song he likes best of all? Singing in the bathtub.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it is rather primitive, isn't it? Well, the way you sing it.

Dame Hilda: I tell you what, dear. Fetch the music out and we'll do it for him.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, if you're sure it won’t send him running up the curtains.

Dame Hilda: It’s very rude to talk like that in front of him, dear. He either knows what you're saying or is not sure what you are. Now play, dear and try to prove to him that you're human.

Singing in the bathtub

Happy once again

Watching all my troubles

Go swinging down the drain

Singing through the soapsuds

Life is full of hope.

You can sing with feeling

While feeling for the soap

Though a ring around the bathtub

Isn’t so nice to see.

But a ring around the bathtub

Is a rainbow to me.

Reaching for a towel

Ready for a rub

Everybody's happy

When singing in the tub

Dame Hilda: Bless him, well I must say Evadne he really did seem to enjoy that.  

Dr. Hinge: I'm glad. And now, perhaps you will be good enough to take him off the piano. He makes me feel like an organ grinder.

Dame Hilda: He probably thinks you are an organ grinder. But that's just the way you play. Ooh, look, he's dozing off, he can hardly keep his little eyes open. You've had a busy morning haven’t you Lancelot? You've made new friends, you've been out in the motor car, honk-honk, you've listened to the music, had a good long look at Evadne. And I bet that's what's tired him. I think I'll pop him into his little basket and he can have a little snooze before lunch.

Dr. Hinge: By the way, Hilda, what's he going to have for lunch?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I hadn't thought of that. I suppose he’ll just have to share ours for now.

Dr. Hinge: You really think he'll like chicken tarragon souffle and sherry trifle.

Dame Hilda: Until I can get some monkey food, he's simply going to have to pig it, dear. Anyway, there's fruit in the trifle, isn't there? Or have you been skimping again?

{Door knocks!}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I say, isn't that Mousey Butler at the garden door? Now, I wonder what he could want? Good morning, Mr. Butler. Do come in.

Mousey: Ah, thank you, Doctor. A very good morning to you, too. And a good morning, Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Good morning, dear, and what brings you here?

Mousey: Well, it appears, Dame Hilda, that you left Mrs. Pilkington's with only half the things you should have had.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, no, that's not true. I made it abundantly clear that I could offer accommodation only to one single and unattached monkey. After all, I have my hands full enough with Evadne.

Mousey: You need have no fear on that score, Dame Hilda. I’ve brought no more animals. Indeed, the inhabitants of Mrs. Pilkington's happy little ark are now all safely distributed throughout Stackton. I'm happy to say that she's even found a haven for her stick insects. I've just dropped them off at the vicarage.

Dr. Hinge: Well, trust the vicar to get something straightforward like the stick insects. What a pity she didn’t have a praying mantis, he could have had that as well. Why couldn't he have taken the monkey?

Dame Hilda: Well, fairs, fair, Evadne, apparently he did offer to take the monkey, but the monkey wouldn't go.

Mousey: I'm afraid that Lancelot has never really taken to the vicar. You see, monkeys cannot abide being laughed at. And, as you may imagine, some of the antics that little chap gets up to appeal all too readily to the vicar's somewhat infantile sense of humour. Indeed, he has only to stick the end of his tail in his mouth, and the vicar is in fits.

Dame Hilda: Well, Lancelot should certainly be very happy up here then, Mr. Butler. He's not likely to make Evadne laugh, even with his tail in his mouth.

Dr. Hinge: He's not likely to get any attention at all, with you upstaging him all the time.

Mousey: Now, then, where would you like me to install the cage?

Dame Hilda: The cage, Mr. Butler?

Mousey: Well, if you prefer it, the Boudoir. I have it in my van. A large iron-meshed contraption, which, originally, I understand, formed the cable drum and winch guard of a lorry from which a barrage balloon was flown. This, I converted some time ago and at Mrs. Pilkington's request, into a Simian abode or Monkey House.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I really didn't envisage having to have a Monkey House, dear, not just for the one monkey. Are you sure we need this thing? I mean, I really don't like to see animals in cages, you know. He looks so happy there in his little basket, doesn't he? And when he's not asleep, he'll be on my shoulder.

Mousey: Oh, believe me, Dame Hilda, there will be times when you'll be very glad that Lancelot has a cage. Mrs. Pilkington thought much as you do, until one day she left him to his own devices while she took a bath. She returned to find the living room stripped of wallpaper.

Dame Hilda: So, where do you suggest we put this cage?

Mousey: Well, it has been designed to screw against a bay window, thus affording the occupant light and spacious accommodation. And if the right window be found plenty to occupy and interest him, a window that looks out on the road is favourite.

Dame Hilda: A bay window that looks out onto the road. Now, where have we got a bay window that looks out onto the road?

Dr. Hinge: You know perfectly well where we've got one, Hilda, but you're not having it. My bedroom is out of bounds! I mean, what's wrong with your bedroom?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, In my bedroom, a cage would stand out like a sore thumb, dear, in yours it would hardly be noticed.

Mousey: If I might make a suggestion, ladies, I think a spare room would be more suitable. There the monkey would be less likely to suffer undue disturbance.

Dame Hilda: Now, I'll tell you what I think, Mr. Butler.

Mousey: What's that, Dame Hilda?

Dame Hilda: I think we should put him in the spare bedroom.

Mousey: I say, what a good idea.

Dr. Hinge: Brainwave.

Mousey: So, if that's agreed, I'll fetch the contraption and install it. Oh, by the by. I've also brought food, bedding and a few of Lancelot's favourite toys. The rubber dumbbells and the Mickey Mouse punch bag are inoffensive enough, but I'm afraid he can be rather noisy with his little tin drum.

Dr. Hinge: Do we have to have his little drum, Mr. Butler?

Mousey: Oh, I'm afraid Lancelot would not be happy without his little drum.

Dr. Hinge: What a pity nobody found that out earlier.

Mousey: Mrs. Pilkington was most insistent that I bring the drum.

Dame Hilda: She probably envisaged Lancelot and Evadne playing duets together. That's something they can do when I'm out.

Mousey: Yes, well, I'll get about my business then. Oh, gracious heavens, look, Maud, and that dreadful sister of hers, Gudrun, are coming this way.

Dr. Hinge: Gudrun, what's she doing here again?

Mousey: Perhaps if I might be permitted to slip to my van via the hall and the front door, I could avoid them, at least for a while. Their voices go right through me. They set my teeth on edge. I'll see you later, ladies.

Dame Hilda: Yes, very, very well, dear. And just let us know if you want anything.

Dr. Hinge: Why don't we go with him, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: To late, dear, we've been spotted through the garden door.

Maud: Good morning, Dame ‘ilda, Doctor. Look who’s ‘ere again?

Gudrun: Morning, Dame ‘ilda, Doctor.

Dame Hilda: Good morning, my dears.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning.

Dame Hilda: My how time flies. Do you know, Gudrun? It seems only a week or so since your last visit.

Maud: It is only a week or so since ‘er last visit. Twelve days to be precise. Turns up like a bad penny, don't she? Comes to see me, she says, but I don't invite ‘er.

Gudrun: Well, family’s, family, Dame ‘ilda, init? Like I'm always telling Maudie ‘ere. If we don't stick together, there's no one going to stick together for us.

Dame Hilda: That's very true, dear, bloods thicker than water.

Dr. Hinge: And beggars can't be choosers.

Dame Hilda: Are you being sarcastic, dear?

Dr. Hinge: No, just joining in.

Maud: She come last night and she's leaving tomorrow. Ain't yer Guddy. If I can get ‘er a seat on the bus.

Gudrun: Up and down from Bodmin like a tiddler in a bucket, I am. Still, travelling supposed to broaden the mind, innit Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: That's what they say, dear, isn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: They also say that travel makes a wise man better, but a fool, worse.

Dame Hilda: I say, that's a bit sharp, isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Well, don't blame me, dear, I didn't coin it. It's 18th century, I believe. And, of course, travelling was very different in those days.

Dame Hilda: As you well remember.

Gudrun: Well, I reckon they're right about it broadening the mind. I'm very broad minded, aren't I, Maudie?

Maud: Brazen, that's what you are. If you ask me, all them lifts with them lorry driving friends o’ yours ‘as brought you out further than you should ever a’come.

Gudrun: I don't shock easy, if that's what you mean.

Maud: You shock my Arthur.

Gudrun: Oh, ‘e's an old stick.

Maud: I know full well ‘e's an old stick, but that ain't no reason to shock ‘im.

Dame Hilda: Anyway, what have you been up to on this latest little visit, Gudrun? Been painting the town red, have you? Well, what there is of it.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I did notice two empty lager cans in the church yard this morning. Someone obviously had a wild night.

Gudrun:  Well, certainly weren’t me, I didn’t ‘ave a wild night, I got ‘ere at nine, ‘ad supper, went to bed, got up, ‘ad a wash, ‘ad breakfast, done the ‘ouse, and come out.

Dame Hilda: Still it's a break, isn't it? I expect the change of air has done you good.

Maud: The trouble with you, Guddy. all you ever wants is to be gadding about. Anyway, you can't say as you've done nothing because we popped in on Mrs. Pilkington on the way up ‘ere, didn't we?

Gudrun: We didn't pop in, exactly. She didn't ask us in.

Maud: Well, no. But she let us stand on ‘er doorstep for a while, didn't she? Sometimes she don't even do that.

Dame Hilda: I'm afraid Mrs. Pilkington's a very sick woman, Maud, we're all going to have to make allowances.

Dr. Hinge: It's rather a pity she didn't keep you out on her step, Hilda, isn't it? If she had, we might not have been landed with that monkey.

Gudrun:  I ‘eard about the monkey.

Maud: Ooh, now, shut up, Guddy. If Dame ‘ilda, wants to show it she'll show it to yer, and if she don't, she won't, so there, in’t that right Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, as far as I was able to follow, dear, I think it was fine, dear, yes. Is he still asleep Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I don't, know, is he?

Dame Hilda: Well, you're nearest to him, dear. Have a little peep for me, would you?

Dr. Hinge: Very well, but you're not taken as a precedent. No, no, he's not asleep, Hilda, he is wide awake.

Gudrun:  Ay, who does ‘e remind you of?

Maud: Well, certainly not you, ‘e’s far to pretty..

Dame Hilda: Now, now, girls, don't get skittish. I'll get him out of his little basket, shall I? And then you can stroke his little head.

Dr. Hinge: And stick your fingers in his little mouth!

Dame Hilda: Come on long, Lancelot. {Monkey chitters.} See, second house audience is in and it's much bigger than the first house was.

Dr. Hinge: Wonder if he thinks you're stupid.

Dame Hilda: I expect he wonders why I put up with you. There, now, say hello to your auntie Maud, and your auntie Gudrun.

{ Monkey chitters!}

Maud: ‘ello Lancelot.

Gudrun: ‘ello, babby.

Dr. Hinge: I bet that's made him feel at home.

Dame Hilda: Are we going to give them a little wave, then Lancelot?  Well, are we? Are we going to lift our little hand up and wave our little fingers at them?

Dr. Hinge: No, we're obviously not.

Dame Hilda: Stop that, Evadne and he might. Now, come along. Let's show them how clever we are, shall we? Now, like this, wave. Come on, Lancelot like this, wave.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, we all know you can do it, Hilda. Let's see if the monkey can.

Maud: Perhaps if we waved ‘e’d wave.

Gudrun: Ah, let's wave an’ ‘e might.

Maud: ‘ere, Guddy. Do you remember that little song, ma, always made us sing when we were singing pa off to work on ‘is bike? The wave song, remember.

Gudrun: Ah, I remember.

Both:

Wavy wave a tiny ‘and

Say goodbye to pa.

Byesy, byesy, toodleyoo

Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta!

{Monkey shrieks.}

{Monkey chitters!}

Dame Hilda:  Ah, Lancelot. Oh, no,  you’re not to do that! You are not to drop that light bulb on your auntie Evadne’s head!

Dr. Hinge: Lancelot!