{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne, dear, Evadne, I'm back. And guess what I've got?

Dr. Hinge: Well, it can't be blisters on your feet Hilda, you've only been out five minutes.

Dame Hilda: Look, dear, it's a horseshoe.

Dr. Hinge: How nice.

Dame Hilda: I found it while I was walking down the lane.

Dr. Hinge: Well find three more and you can buy a horse.

Dame Hilda: And do you know, a couple of minutes later, a black cat walked right across my path.

Dr. Hinge: Oh dear.

Dame Hilda: What do you mean, oh dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, that's unlucky, isn't it?

Dame Hilda: No, dear, that's lucky.

Dr. Hinge: Erm Hilda... I thought black cats were supposed to be associated with witches and the powers of darkness.

Dame Hilda: Well, everywhere else in the world, they are, Evadne. Yes, but not in Britain. In Britain, they're lucky.

Dr. Hinge: How very convenient for you.

Dame Hilda: You can't blame me dear. I didn't make the rules.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I have nothing whatever against black cats. I'm simply saying that even superstitions should be consistent. I mean, a thing can't be lucky in one place and unlucky in another. It insults one's intelligence.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I find it hard to believe that through that long lean body of yours, there runs such a deep broad vein of scepticism. I bet you are a little bit superstitious, deep down.

Dr. Hinge: I am not.

Dame Hilda: Nearly everybody else is.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm not.

Dame Hilda: You don't believe that if you move house, it's terribly unlucky to take your pig trough with you.

Dr. Hinge: Of course I don't.

Dame Hilda: You don't think it's bad luck to sleep on a table?

Dr. Hinge: No, just darned uncomfortable.

Dame Hilda: Or to hop downstairs on one foot.

Dr. Hinge: Just dangerous.

Dame Hilda: Well, that's it, isn't it, my point exactly. I mean, there is some sense in these superstitions. And I think it's folly to ignore them. Anyhow, I'm not going to allow your dreary rationality to spoil what is obviously destined to be a very lucky day for me. I have found a horse shoe, a black cat has crossed my path, and I haven’t a care in the world. Over my shoulder.

Dr. Hinge: Oh god.

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne, let's do that song, it's on the piano somewhere.

Dr. Hinge: You're quite sure it's not an unlucky one?

Dame Hilda: Unlucky. Oh dear, no, no, not for me. It was always so very, very lucky for me. I sang it on that tour of Cyprus in 54, remember, doing my impression of Jessie. Oh, didn't the boys just love it?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, didn't they, dear? But isn't that the song you were singing the night you fell through the stage in Famagusta?

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't be such a wet blanket, Evadne, just play.

Dame Hilda: Well, that's everything safely over my shoulder. Oh, Evadne. What's that glinting on the floor over there?

Dr. Hinge: Where?

Dame Hilda: There, under that chair. Is it a pin? Oh, if it is, that's the third thing this morning. ‘See a pin and pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck’. Oh, oh, it's a sliver of broken glass. It looks like a bit of mirror…. Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear.

Dame Hilda: Where's the little mirror that stands on that table?

Dr. Hinge: Standing on the sideboard.

Dame Hilda: Oh, all right then, where's your handbag mirror?

Dr. Hinge: In my handbag.

Dame Hilda: And where's your handbag?

Dr. Hinge: Mind your own business.

Dame Hilda: Uh-huh. I see it.

Dr. Hinge: Leave it alone.

Dame Hilda: It really is about time you got a new handbag, you know, Evadne. This one looks like a donkey's nosebag.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, put it down!

Dame Hilda: My goodness, the junk you've got in here. Do you know, dear, if you ever got knocked down, they'd open your bag and assume you were a beachcomber. I say, what is this?

Dr. Hinge: That's my powder puff. Put it back!

Dame Hilda: Powder puff my eye. This is a rabbit's foot. A lucky rabbit's foot. Go on, Evadne, own up. You are superstitious.

Dr. Hinge: I most certainly am not. And that is my powder puff. What would I want with a rabbit's foot?

Dame Hilda: What indeed?  But why not do yourself a favour, dear? Go out and buy a new one. It's plain as a pike staff, that thing has not brought an ounce of luck to you or your face. Where is your mirror?

Dr. Hinge: In the mirror pocket.

Dame Hilda: It is not.

Dr. Hinge: It is.

Dame Hilda: It most certainly is not. Ouch!

Dr. Hinge: I told you it was.

Dame Hilda: But, Evadne it’s in pieces.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you asked me it's whereabouts, not its condition.

Dame Hilda: Well, honestly, Evadne, it’s bad enough breaking a mirror, but it's just plain daft to wrap the pieces up in a paper tissue and stuff them back in your bag. Just look at that.

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: There on the tip of that finger. That, Evadne, is blood.

Dr. Hinge: Would you like me to apply a tourniquet? 

Dame Hilda: No, I'd like you to apologise and to be a little more sympathetic.

Dr. Hinge: I'll get you a sticking plaster.

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, oh! My skin's far too sensitive for plasters. Just get that nice little lace hankie there off the table, will you, and tie that round?

Dr. Hinge: Very well. But shouldn't you wash your finger first?

Dame Hilda: I'm sucking it. There, Evadne, I've sucked it. And my sucks more hygienic than anything that comes out of a tap these days.

Dr. Hinge: All right. Hold it out then. There we are. How's that?

Dame Hilda: Well, it looks a bit like a finger puppet. But I suppose I'll just have to put up with it. Now, Evadne, you must take all that broken glass of yours out of your bag and throw it into a fast moving stream, dear, as quickly as possible.

Dr. Hinge: Why?

Dame Hilda: It washes away the bad luck. Alternatively, you can take the pieces to a graveyard on a night when there's no moon and no stars and bury them.

Dr. Hinge: I shall do no such thing. It's only a few pieces. I can stick them together again.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, don't be so mean. It would make your face look even more distorted than it really was.

Dr. Hinge: I don't care what you say. I'm going to get some of that super glue and stick it together again.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you, dear. Knowing your luck, you'd get your finger stuck to your nose and end up looking like a six foot Toby jug. Oh, I say, Evadne, I think I see a way to expunge the ill luck that you've just brought upon this house.

Dr. Hinge: If you're going to ask me to turn round three times, empty out my pockets and spit in my hat, I flatly refuse.

Dame Hilda: No, no, dear, there is a sweep coming up the drive, and to meet a sweep is terribly lucky.

Dr. Hinge: I expect it is, if your chimney's as dirty as ours is.

Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, it's not often I ask you to do something for me, is it? But today, I beg you, please, place yourself in my hands.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, Hilda, anything for peace. Now, what do you want me to do?

Dame Hilda: I want you to run out and meet that sweep.

Dr. Hinge: I shall do that willingly. I'll even ask him to sweep the chimney.

Dame Hilda: And, Evadne, make him truly welcome. Do all in your power to make him happy,

Dr. Hinge: Hilda. I shall lay out a red carpet and carry him over the threshold if it will stop you grizzling. Wish me luck.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do hope she doesn't make a mess of things. Oh, who's that tapping on the garden window?

Maud: Dame ‘ilda! Dame ‘ilda!

Dame Hilda: Maud, what are you doing out there? Just a minute, I'll open it. There you are, Now, come on, clamber in.

Maud: In a minute, Dame ‘ilda. I say Dame ‘ilda, did you know as the Doctor ‘ad a sweep ‘ere?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, I knew.

Maud:  And do you ‘ave any idea what she's doing with ‘im?

Dame Hilda: Well, a vague one, dear. But I do hope she's not going over the top.

Maud: She's shaking ‘is ‘and she's parking ‘is bike. Oh, look, she's got ‘er ‘and on ‘is rods
and ‘is brush. And she's took ‘is arm and she's took ‘im in.

Dame Hilda: Let's hope she keeps it up. Well, If they're in, Maud, you may as well come in yourself. You might miss something out there.

Maud: Rightio, Dame ‘ilda, I will.

Mousey: I'll get straight down to it then, Doctor.

Maud: I think I can ‘ear ‘em in the ‘all.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps, first, you'd like to come with me, Mr. Butler. There's a hot coffee and croissants in the kitchen. It'll warm you up before you start.

Maud: Mr. Butler? Oh, it'll be old Mousey Butler from the village. I ‘eard as ‘e’d took to doing a bit of chimbley sweeping now and again. Since the old sweep gave up

Dame Hilda: Well, a sweeps a sweep I suppose.

Maud: Mind, I'd not let ‘im anywhere near my chimbley.

Dame Hilda: Well, fair’s fair Maud, I doubt he’d let you anywhere near his. Oh, Evadne, you’re back, I hear that sweep of yours is old Mousey Butler.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, Hilda. Apparently, he was sweeping a few chimneys up this way and thought we might like ours doing.

Dame Hilda: There you are, dear, fate sent him.

Dr. Hinge: He’ll be in, in a minute. So we'd best clear the decks. I told him this chimney hasn't been swept for years.

Maud: I’ll just take me ‘at off and then I'll shove this furniture back and make a bit of room!

Dr. Hinge: No, Maud, don’t don’t don’t. We’ll manage.

Dame Hilda: I say, Maud, dear. What is that terrible bruise on your forehead?

Maud: Oh, this. I got this ‘aving me photo took.

Dr. Hinge: What happened? Did the photographer stone you?

Maud: There weren't no photographer, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: He walked out as you walked in, I suppose.

Maud: Oh, I'll tell Dame ‘ilda. She's more sense, asnd she don't fool around with sweeps. See, I went to that machine in the arcade Dame ‘ilda. Do you know the one I mean?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, dear. Four photographs for 50p.

Maud: Oh, you've bin robbed. You get five in these parts. One, three be four and four tiddlers.

Dame Hilda: Well, I never. Anyway, it's outside the gift shop, isn't it?

Maud: Well, it were outside the gift shop, but it ain't no more.

Dr. Hinge: Where is it now, then, Maud?

Maud: Search me, they took it away, on a salvage lorry. As soon as the fire were out.

Dame Hilda: Fire, dear?

Maud: I knew it were an ‘azard when I first peeped in and seed that little seat. Just like a little toad- stool it were. And if you wound it round, it went up and down, and whichever way I wound it, it wobbled.

Dame Hilda: Well that’s to get you to the right height for your photograph, dear. See if you didn't have that, someone would have to lift you up. Or in Evadne’s case, knock you down. But there are full instructions, aren't there?

Maud: There's instructions all right, Dame ‘ilda, But I were too quick off the mark.

Dr. Hinge: An interesting new trait in your character, Maud.

Maud: See, I gets in and I sits down and straight off I pops in me money. And then I see as I can't see meself. Well, seeing as nothing's ‘appening, I stands up and I turns round. And then there comes this flash. So I jump round and I sit down again, sharp. And that were the little stool gone for a start.

Dame Hilda: Because there's not a lot of room in those things to spread yourself, is there, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I don't think they were designed with Maud in mind.

Maud: If you ask me, Dame ‘ilda, it's against the safety regulations. Well, there's nothing for you to grab ‘old of when you find yourself sat on the floor, ‘cept the curtain, and that come away in me ‘ands, along with ‘alf the roof. And all the time there's this flashing, flashing, flashing. It were a bit like the blitz.

Dame Hilda: Did you manage to get any photographs at all, Maud?

Maud: Oh, I got some, Dame ‘ilda. I got ‘em ‘ere if you wants to see ‘em. There, that big ‘un, that's me backside. It were took as I were turning at the start. The next one, that's nothing, no, I were on the floor when that were took. That's me ‘and took as I was struggling to get up. Oh, and that's my foot in the air, took as I slipped and went down again.

Dame Hilda: You've still got a trim little ankle, haven't you, Maud?

Dr. Hinge: And I love the Minnie mouse slippers.

Maud: And that's all I got.

Dame Hilda: Well, at least they don't look posed.

Maud: There should ‘ave been five. Only me foot went through the screen, do you see. And that's when the fire started.

Dr. Hinge: Well, yes, but how did you get that bruise on your forehead then, Maud?

Maud:  Because when the fire started, Doctor, I puts down me ‘ead and I runs, straight into a fireman with a big brass buckle belt.

Dame Hilda: I say, they did get there quickly, didn't they?

Maud: Well, ‘e ‘adn't really come for that. ‘e'd come to ‘ave ‘is photo took.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I can't stand round here all day listening to Maud's apocalypse. I've got to find some dust sheets. And I'll tell Mr. Butler we are ready for him,

Dame Hilda: Oh, and don't forget, Evadne, charm him.

Dr. Hinge: Don’t worry Hilda. The grin is becoming fixed.

Maud: Now is there anything I can do to ‘elp, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, I think the best we can both of us do, Maud, is to try and keep out of their way, don't you?

Maud: Oh, I think I take your meaning Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: So I suggest you that you start in the bedrooms. Now, by the time you're finished up there we'll no doubt be ready down here.

Maud:  Rightio, Dame ‘ilda, I'll get started then. Oh, ‘ere’s Mr. Butler coming now?

Dame Hilda: Mr. Butler, and good morning to you.

Mousey: Good morning, Dame Hilda. Oh, you're alone. I thought the Doctor had come back here.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, she won’t be long, dear.

Mousey: Tell me, Dame Hilda, is she seeking an attachment?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think so, dear. She's just gone to get some dust sheets. Didn't you bring your attachments with you?

Mousey: No, no, no, no, I mean, she is a single lady, isn't she?

Dame Hilda: Oh, she is, dear. Yes, very much so.

Mousey: And do you suppose that she is seeking companionability with someone of the opposite sex and similar interests?

Dame Hilda: Oh, you mustn't get the wrong idea about this, Mr. Butler. She welcomed you so warmly, because you are a sweep.

Mousey: I see. She has a thing about sweeps, does she?

Dame Hilda: Goodness gracious, dear. You misunderstand. You'll see this morning, Dr. Hinge broke a mirror.

Mousey: A mirror? Ah, now I see. Oh, well, that's relief. Seven years bad luck and she believes in the luck….

Dame Hilda: Shhh! Don't say it, dear. You'll break the spell.

Dr. Hinge: Here we are. Dust sheets,

Dame Hilda: Give them to me Evadne. I'll spread them. You help, Mr. Butler, dear.

Mousey: Oh, that's most kind of you, Doctor. Now, into the breach Now, if you'd be good enough to pass me that little bundle of rods.

Dame Hilda: You know, I had no idea it was you, Mr. Butler. Then I saw you coming up the drive. I didn't know you’d turned your hand to this sort of thing.

Mousey: Oh, I can turn my hand to most things, Dame Hilda. I acquired the art of chimney sweeping and this bowler of hat from a very dear friend of mine who is a master sweep and a member of the interplanetary parliament.

Dr. Hinge: He's what?

Mousey: He's been to Venus.

Dame Hilda: What? Sweeping chimneys?

Mousey: No, no, just visiting.

Dr. Hinge: Did he like it there?

Mousey: Well, to tell the truth, Doctor. he was unable to land. It seems that the Venusians had drawn a protective magnetic circle around their planet.

Dame Hilda: Oh, how very rude of them after he’d gone all that way.

Mousey: I need another couple of rods, I think, Doctor. if you'd be so kind. Yes, my friend is a member of what they call the Ethereous Society.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I've read something about that. The Society believes, if I remember correctly, that mankind will advance into a state of cosmic consciousness, interplanetary existence and the attainment of his true spiritual self.

Dame Hilda: Good gracious, dear you started with mice and you've ended up with the cosmos.

Mousey: As a matter of fact, Doctor, my friend recently prophesied the end of the world.

Dr. Hinge: Really, dear when?

Mousey: Last Thursday week.

Dr. Hinge: I mean, when did he think would happen?

Mousey: Last Thursday week.

Dame Hilda: He doesn't sound very good at prophecy, dear. It didn't happen, did it?

Mousey: Well, it could have done had he not prevented it. You were all saved while you slept.

Dame Hilda: I might have guessed.

Mousey: Now, my brush must be very nearly at the top. Perhaps someone would be good enough to go outside and watch for it.

Dame Hilda: You go, Evadne, you're the tallest.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, dear.

Dame Hilda: And when you get outside the house, turn right, dear.

Dr. Hinge: If I want to see his brush come through, I shall have to turn left, Hilda!

Dame Hilda: No, don't do that, not on any account, turn right. And go the long way round, it's luckier. It's luckier still if you run all the way and go three times round.

Mousey: I think the brush is stuck.

Dame Hilda: Stuck, dear? What do you mean stuck?

Mousey: Well, I can move it neither up, nor down.

Dame Hilda: Yes, that sounds stuck, all right.

Mousey: I'll have to set fire to it.

Dame Hilda: What?

Mousey: That is the recognised way of removing a stuck brush, Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: But Mr. Butler, the whole idea of having our chimney swept was to prevent its catching fire. Surely if we both pushed?

Mousey: Well, it's worth a try, I suppose. Grab a hold of the rod then, and I’ll count to three. Yes. One, two, three, shove!

Dame Hilda: Cough, cough!  You’ve brought half the chimney down.

Mousey: I think not. But there's your problem. Just a few bricks displaced in the chimney. I'll cast my eye up on the way out to make sure you're all right. If not, I can always point you up. Would you like the soot on your celery?

Dame Hilda: Well, I'd sooner that, than on the carpet, dear, if you don’t mind.

Maud:  I say, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: What Maud, dear?

Maud: Should I ask Mr. Butler to put this chimbley pot back up afore ‘e goes?

Dame Hilda: Chimney pot, Maud. Where did you find that?

Maud:  It were in the Doctor's room, lying on ‘er bed.

Dr. Hinge:  I say, Hilda, did you know we had a chimney pot missing?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I did, but we don't. Maud’ got it in her hand.

Dr. Hinge: Where'd you find that, Maud?

Maud: I didn't find it, Doctor. It found me. I were dusting on the top of your wardrobe when it comes sailing in through the skylight.

Dame Hilda: And it landed on your bed. Look, the pot's not even broken.

Mousey: Nothing to worry about. I will replace the pot. I'll mend the skylight. You'll never know I called.

Maud: Such a shame as I ‘ad that great big mirror off the wall, isn't it?

Dame Hilda: The big mirror, Maud?

Maud: ‘ad it down for cleaning, I did. It were lying on the bed.

Dame Hilda: It isn't broken?

Maud: Broken? It smashed to smithereens.

Dr. Hinge: And you said sweeps were lucky, Hilda:

Dame Hilda: Evadne, living with you is like living with Jonah. Well, that does it. I'm going up into your bedroom. I'm going to gather up the pieces of that mirror and I'm going to find a fast moving stream into which to throw them. And there's another thing,

Dr. Hinge: What’s that?

Dame Hilda: Until I get back, you three can stay here and keep your fingers crossed. And don’t uncross them.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor