Pom~Poms In The Park.

Dame Hilda: In the middle of the park at Stackton Tressel, there's a bandstand built in 1900. It was the gift of Sir Petri Havelock, millionaire mousetrap manufacturer and amateur bassoonist. It was here at a concert in 1903 that Sir Petri's trousers caught fire. And it is said that his oompahs were never quite the same again. These days the bandstand is seldom used for concerts. Though it does still have its uses, birds nest in the roof, old men in raincoats, shelter from the rain, and small boys go there to play with their marbles and to knock each other about. Bigger boys go there for more dubious reasons. It is also extremely popular with dogs, mores the pity. Well, last summer the council decided that the bandstand should be given a new lease of life. And I was persuaded to organise a concert party to perform there over the August bank holiday weekend. Oh, why do I do it? This was the question that Evadne and I were trying to answer, as we prepared the drawing room at the old manse for one of the early rehearsals.

{Drawing room.}

Dr. Hinge: Why didn't you just say no, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Because I thought it would be fun.

Dr. Hinge: You've got a funny idea of fun.

Dame Hilda: I still think it'll be fun. It is fun. I shall make it fun.

Dr. Hinge: You make it sound worse and worse.

Dame Hilda: Oh, get hold of the other end of the settee and help me lift it back against the wall.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I might remind you that I was dragged into this fiasco as a pianist, not as a scene shifter.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, come along. This is concert party, half the fun is mucking in.

Dr. Hinge: In which case I suggest we leave the settee where it is until the other three get here, then the two men can muck in and move it.

Dame Hilda: No, that would just waste time. Besides, I don't want Teddy Tranter and Peter Moore playing silly blighters with my settee.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it's not exactly an awe inspiring cast, is it?

Dame Hilda: Well, it is holiday time, dear. An awful lot of people are away. Now, do give me a hand to move the settee, please? They'll be here in a minute. There may only be three of them, but they need all the space they can get.

Dr. Hinge: Very well. But before they go, they can jolly well move it back again, silly blighters or not, right, lift!

Dame Hilda: Not so fast, dear. I haven't got a hold.

Dr. Hinge: Then get hold, I thought you were in a hurry.

Dame Hilda: I am not in so much of a hurry that I'm going to risk breaking my fingernails for it. Right, dear, now, are you ready?

Dr. Hinge: Am I ready?

Dame Hilda: Oh, do stop moaning. Now lift. There that was simple enough, wasn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Just look, now I've broken a fingernail.

Dame Hilda: Well, if you're playing the piano they're better short, anyway. And I can't bear all that clickety-click on the keys. Anyhow, I think that's the room ready, or do you think I should move the ornaments off the mantelpiece?

Dr. Hinge: I’ve really no idea, Hilda. How violent do you imagine this rehearsal is going to get?

Dame Hilda: It won't be violent, dear, but it may be rather energetic. And you know what Mandy Moore's like once she starts kicking her legs about.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, very embarrassing.

Dame Hilda: And totally uninhibited.

Dr. Hinge: You're right, let's move the ornaments. Now, if you hand them across, I shall put them on top of the bookcase.

Dame Hilda: Right, here we go. You know, Evadne, I am rather surprised that we didn't get a few more volunteers for this little do.

Dr. Hinge: Well, quite honestly, Hilda, I think it reflects rather well on the population of Stackton, that so few of them are willing to make fools of themselves.

Dame Hilda: Nobody will be making a fool of themselves, dear. I shall see to that. I have always possessed the magic ability to make talent blossom. However minimal the talent. Well, look what I did for you.

Dr. Hinge: If I were you, Hilda, I wouldn't get too cheeky until we got all your ornaments away. You might just get one over your head.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you were probably right about the possibility of violence. Some people just can't take criticism. There, that's the mantelpiece cleared, I think we are finally ready for the fray.

Dr. Hinge: Incidentally, Hilda, have you decided yet what you're going to call your merry and versatile band of entertainers?

Dame Hilda: Well, not really, not yet. But you remember that very famous troop called the co-optimists?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, I thought that as we've got you with us, we might call ourselves the co-pessimists.

Dr. Hinge:  I see, you don't think Hilda's follies might be more appropriate?

Dame Hilda: Actually, I think all we need put on the posters is pom-poms in the park. After all, we shall all be wearing pom-poms.

Dr. Hinge: Oh!

Dame Hilda: What did you expect to wear, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Can't I be excused pom-poms. I'm allergic to fluffy things.

Dame Hilda: How can you be when you live with three cats and all that mess under your bed?

Dr. Hinge: I mean, can't I be allowed to sort of tuck myself away behind the potted palm and dress normally.

Dame Hilda: What? And frighten everybody off. No, Evadne you can’t. You're one of us, and you're jolly well going to look as though you're one of us. Concert parties always wore Pierrot costumes. And that's what you're going to wear, pointed hat, ruffles, pom-poms, and all.

Dr. Hinge: In that case I shall wear a mask. I should hate to be recognised.

Dame Hilda: In ordinary circumstances, I would jump at the suggestion. But in this case, no. Anyway, your name will be on the programme. As I told you the other day, I'm giving you two spots to yourself, one piano, one banjo. And while we're on the subject? What exactly are you going to play?

Dr. Hinge: I shall think about that nearer the time.

Dame Hilda: You'll think about it now, I want to know.

Dr. Hinge: I shall make up my mind in the next week or so.

Dame Hilda: No dear. I want no last-minute surprises. Like Mablethorpe. What sort of thing are you thinking of playing?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I thought perhaps a light classic or two.

Dame Hilda: How light?

Dr. Hinge: Pretty light.

Dame Hilda: Well, they’d better be. We don't want a load of Brahms and Liszt. And I warn you, just in case you go on too long, I shall be standing right behind you ready to hook you off.

Teddy: Hello, Hello there!

Dr. Hinge: Ah, there's Teddy at the garden door. Come on in, Teddy, it isn't locked.

Teddy: Ah, hello, Evadne, hello, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: Morning, Teddy, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Teddy.

Dame Hilda: I say that’s a pretty little box you're carrying, Teddy.

Teddy: It's oriental lacquer, love, all hand done.

Dame Hilda: What have you got in it then, a Chinese takeaway?

Teddy: Well, as a matter of fact, love. It's a new trick for me magic spot.

Ladies: Ooh!

Teddy: If I might be permitted to rest it on the table here perhaps I could demonstrate.

Dr. Hinge: If it's anything to do with eggs, Teddy, I hope you've had them properly hard-boiled this time. I can still see you at the town hall children's party with egg dripping out of your ear.

Teddy: Wasn’t that mortifying fiasco, Evadne. By the time I was done, I felt like a souffle waiting to be whisked.

Dr. Hinge: You looked more like a leg of Kentucky fried chicken waiting to be breadcrumbed.

Dame Hilda: All this talk of food is making me feel quite peckish. And we've so much to get through before lunch.

Teddy: Well, right. If you're ready, I'll walk you through my new trick then. Right, now, first off, I pull open this little drawer in the box here, you see?

Ladies: Yes!

Teddy: And into it, I pop a little white mouse.

Ladies: Yes!

Teddy: Then, I shut the drawer so, and I say with a good deal of showmanship, of course, on the night.

Ladies: Yes!.

Teddy: I say, Abracadabra, round the house, vanish, vanish, little white mouse. And then I open the drawer, and the mouse is gone. And then I reach into me trouser pocket and... Oooh what have I found here?

Dame Hilda: What have you found in there?

Teddy: Me mouse.

Dame Hilda: Where is it then?

Teddy: Where's what, Hilda, love?

Dame Hilda: Where's your mouse?

Teddy: Well, it'll be in me hand.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's not in your hand now, is it?

Teddy: Well, no, that's because I didn't put one in the box. I told you I was only walking through the trick.

Dame Hilda: So you did, dear.

Teddy: I mean, if I don't put a mouse in me box, I can't fetch it out of my trousers, can I? But you see, when I do the trick properly...

Dr. Hinge: When you do the trick properly?

Teddy: Now what?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, come off it, Teddy. We all know you've got one in your trousers already.

Teddy: I haven’t!.

Dr. Hinge: Of course you have. You've got two mice. I mean, that mouse in your box doesn't really get into your trouser pocket, does it?

Teddy: Well err….

Dame Hilda: Well, come on, Teddy, admit it, you have two mice?

Teddy: As a matter of fact, Hilda love, I've got six. Just to be on the safe side, they don't half tickle.

Dame Hilda: Well, where are they now, dear?

Teddy: Well, they're at home, of course. Why?

Dame Hilda: Oh, thank goodness for that. I wouldn't want you rehearsing with your pockets full of mice. Not if you're going to be dancing with me.

P&D: Cooee! Hello, it's us.

Dame Hilda: Here's Peter and Mandy now.

Dr. Hinge: Brace yourselfs.

Dame Hilda: Come along in, the doors open.

Mandy: Hello, everybody. Hello. I'm sorry if we’re a teensy weensy bit late, Dame Hilda, but I did a very silly thing last night.

Peter: Well, I did advise against it, D. You knew we'd nothing to fall back on.

Dame Hilda: This does sound intriguing.

Mandy: No! You see, I went and washed our practice tights. And when we went to put them on this morning, we couldn't get into them, could we P?

Peter: Well, we could get a bit of ourselves into them, D, but nothing like enough, not for decency.

Mandy: So we had to stop off in the high street on the way here and buy ourselves another pair each. And then I’m afraid these pink ones we’re wearing where all they had. I feel like a flamingo.

Peter: Count yourself lucky, D. They make my legs look like two sticks of rock.

Teddy: My Peggy has a penchant for pink. You know, she always does her aerobics in a pink body stocking. Sometimes when I walk in and find her rolling about the floor I think she looks like half a yard of salami.

Dame Hilda: Well, I think the pair of you look very picturesque, don't you, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Down right, medieval.

Dame Hilda: And you should know.

Dr. Hinge: I do hope you two didn't walk through the high street dressed like that.

Mandy: Oh, my goodness gracious, no! We slipped into these in the car, didn't we, P?

Peter: Well, you may have slipped, I struggled. That's why we're late, isn't it? I had to stop every time I caught someone peeping through the window at me.

Mandy: I did tell you to pull the car into the car park, but you insisted on doing it right outside Woolworths.

Peter: Mandy, the car park would have cost us 40p. I wasn't paying 40p just to put my tights on.

Dame Hilda: Of course that car park in the centre is a long stay car park. I suppose it might be worth 40p if one was changing into long stays.

Teddy: Oh, Hilda, love, that a good un, err...perhaps we should pop that into the show. I could come on in a cloth cap and a muffler, and I could say to you….

Dr. Hinge: Don't encourage her, Teddy? We shall end up having things thrown at us. How, Hilda, can we please get on with this rehearsal?

Dame Hilda: Yes, right, everybody, now settle down. Now, this morning, I want to concentrate on the opening number. Hopefully, you all know your places. Yes, right. So, let's get into line, shall we? Starting here from the piano. Now, it's Evadne at the piano, and you Teddy, then me.

Dr. Hinge: Dead centre as ever.

Dame Hilda: Are you objecting?

Dr. Hinge: No, merely remarking!

Dame Hilda: Then, please don't. Now, Peter, you're on the other side of the piano, and Mandy, you're on the far end next to Peter. All right, everyone? Yes, yes, lovely. Okay. Yes, well, now, I've written a little verse for each of us, introducing us and telling the audience what we all do.

Teddy: Oh, that sounds a wonderful idea, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: Here, then, Teddy, this one's yours.

Teddy: Oh, ta, muchly.

Dame Hilda: Peter, Mandy.

Peter: Jolly good.

Mandy: Bless you!.

Dame Hilda: And Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: I just hope this is a good idea.

Dame Hilda: The show begins. There's a chord on the piano. Evadne, a chord. {Chord.} I shake my tambourine, and, Teddy, you begin.

Teddy: Yes, very well, Hilda, love.

My name is Uncle Teddy and magic's what I'm at

I've pigeons in my pockets and a rabbit in me hat.

Dr. Hinge: Why has he got pigeons in his pocket, Hilda?  I thought it was white mice.

Dame Hilda: No, the last time I spoke to Teddy, he was going to do something with pigeons. But, Teddy, you can change pigeons to white mice if you like, it'll still scan.

Teddy: Oh, I think not Hilda Love. No, we don't want to give the game away.

Dame Hilda: Right, now, Peter and Mandy.

Peter:  I'm Peter.

Mandy: And I'm Mandy.

P&D:  Our second name is Moore.

Mandy: And once you've seen us dancing.

Peter: You'll want Moore.

Mandy: And Moore.

P&D: And Moore.

Dame Hilda: Charming, my dears. Absolute charming. I think you can cut the curtsy, Mandy. Now, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Very well.

They cannot do without me as you must plainly see

Where’er they go they'll always be accompanied by me. Oh god!

Dame Hilda: I think we can lose the oh god, dear. We don't want to overrun. And now, it's me.

I am Dame Hilda Bracket I keep them up to par

I always twinkle, twinkle because I am the star.

Dr. Hinge: You can't say that! We're all supposed to be equal.

Dame Hilda: Very well then, I'll generalise it. I'll change it to A star.

Dr. Hinge: It's just as bad.

Dame Hilda: Well, I've got to have the word star in it, Evadne. I mean, what else would twinkle twinkle?

Teddy: How about toes?

Dame Hilda:  What?

Teddy: Well, you know Hilda love like twinkle toes. I mean, suppose you were to say

I am Dame Hilda Bracket as everybody knows

And when I twinkle twinkle I do it on my toes.

Dame Hilda:  No, I don't think so, Teddy, but thank you anyway. Now, to the opening song. You’ve all got your copies, yes? All lined up and one, two, three, and Evadne. EVADNE!!

We're sailing along on a carpet of clouds

Dame Hilda: Teddy, you should have come in there, dear.

Teddy: Should have come in where, Hilda love?

Dame Hilda: On that line, just like a kite on a string, that's your line.

Teddy: Oh, is it, love? I've not got it underlined.

Dame Hilda: Then, underline it, would you, please?

Teddy: Right, uh... Oh, no, I've got the next little bit underlined, you see.

Dame Hilda: Well, you shouldn't have there. That's Mandy’s line.

Mandy:  Oh, is that my line, Dame Hilda? I thought that was Ps.

Peter: No, no, D. That's yours. The next one's mine.

Dame Hilda: That's right, Peter. You've got it.

Dr. Hinge: Thank heaven somebody has.

Dame Hilda: So, Teddy, I think you better rub the line out under your bit, dear.

Teddy: But I can't rub it out, Hilda love, you've put it in in biro.

Dame Hilda: Then you'll just have to scribble through it, won’t you? And do make sure you scribble through the right bit. Now, shall we try again? Now, stand by everybody, and one, two, three, and….

We're sailing along on a carpet of clouds