Dame Hilda: You probably won’t believe this, but there was a time in my life when I absolutely detested being photographed. Oh yes, but it's true. It was when I was about six months old and they were forever plonking me on a leopard skin rug. Until I was about three, I thought it was perfectly normal to have spots before the eyes. And I must have been about six or seven before I realised that leopards could actually stand up and walk about. However, I soon overcame my early dislike of the camera, and my adult life has been lived to the almost constant accompaniment of clicking cameras, constant flashing, and cries of Dame Hilda, say, cheese! Even today in Stackton Tressal, I cannot escape the camera lens, try as I might. It's a fact at which Evadne frequently scoffs, but she would. Well, I mean, if you point a camera at her and say, watch the birdie, the birdie won't come out. Mind you, Evadne scoffs at a good many things. She was in a particularly scoffy mood one morning, a few weeks back. We were down at our music emporium, and during our coffee break, we were sitting in the back room where Evadne was thumbing through the local paper.

{Emporium.}

Dr. Hinge: What a load of rubbish!

Dame Hilda: Can I have a look?

Dr. Hinge: In a minute, I haven't finished yet.

Dame Hilda: Is there anything in it?

Dr. Hinge: It's just the usual rubbish. Honestly, the headlines they get, listen to this, love blooms for local florists. I ask you?

Dame Hilda: Oh, who's that about?

Dr. Hinge: I've no idea, I haven't read it yet. If you want to find out, read it for yourself.

Dame Hilda: Chance would be a fine thing.

Dr. Hinge: Listen to this. An over enthusiastic young breakdancer broke a table and more than 50 pounds worth of glasses when he fell, whilst performing a spectacular windmill at Stackton’s Purple parrot night spot on Saturday. After some altercation, the police were called and the youth, who had been drinking, agreed to pay for the damage. And do you know what the headline is?

Dame Hilda: What is it?

Dr. Hinge: Dancer gets unlucky break, tows line and foots bill.

Dame Hilda: I think that’s rather clever!

Dr. Hinge: You would.

Dame Hilda: You know, I've never been inside the Purple parrot since it was the Green monkey.

Dr. Hinge: I haven't been inside since it was Pickering's shoe shop.

Dame Hilda: My goodness, that's going back a bit.

Dr. Hinge: I bought these shoes there as a matter of fact.

Dame Hilda: Well, of course Pickering's always prided themselves on selling shoes that were hard wearing rather than stylish. It was shoes like that, put them out of business!  Now, have you finished with that paper yet?

Dr. Hinge: No, I haven't. But I think I've just come across the bit you’re so eager to see.

Dame Hilda: What's that then?

Dr. Hinge: What do you think it is? The pictures of the village fate, of course.

Dame Hilda: Oh, are they good?

Dr. Hinge: Well, you've managed to get yourself into most of them, so presumably you would think so.

Dame Hilda: Aren’t you going to let me see them then?

Dr. Hinge: Well, you can come and look over my shoulder if you like, but I am not letting this paper out of my hands until I finish with it.

Dame Hilda: Considering it's full of things you don't want to read, you're taking long enough to read it, aren't you? Now, let's have a look. Where are those pictures? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, they're in colour. Oh, they have splashed out.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. And look what it says there. This rag is going up to 25 pence next week, presumably to pay for your photographs. I’ve a jolly good mind to cancel it.

Dame Hilda: You can't cancel it, I pay for it.

Dr. Hinge: You pay half.

Dame Hilda: Then give me half so that I can read it properly. Give me the half with the coloured pictures in it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, here you are. You may as well have a whole darn thing. I'm sick to death of it anyway.

Dame Hilda: Thank you!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, why are you sitting down again? I mean, you're not going to read it now.

Dame Hilda: Well, I was, yes. Do you have any objections?

Dr. Hinge: Coffee break is over, we've had our ten minutes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, ten minutes be blowed. We're not employees. We happen to own this emporium, and as long as there are no customers in the place, we can do as we jolly well like.

Mandy: Hello. Dame Hilda.

Peter: Tingerlingerling! Shop!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Shop!

Dame Hilda: It's only Peter and Mandy Moore, can't you go?

Dr. Hinge: They're calling for you.

Dame Hilda: Well, you go and tell them I’ll be out in a minute.

Dr. Hinge: Not likely because you won't be, will you? You'll be sitting in here in gloating over your photographs and I shall be stuck with those dreadful Moore’s.

Mandy: Is there anyone here?

Peter: It’s only us!

Dr. Hinge: They only come in to get out of the rain.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, It's not raining?

Dr. Hinge: Then there must be someone out in the high street they’re trying to avoid, lucky devil.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne do go through? Because if you don't, they'll come barging in here.

Mandy: Cooee!

Peter: It’s us!

Dame Hilda: There you are what did I tell you? Come along in, my dears!

Mandy: We don’t want to disturb you, Dame Hilda.

Peter: We haven't come to buy anything.

Dame Hilda: I wish all our customers were as frank as you, don't you, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you’ve come to sell something, I should warn you, we're down to giving IOUs.

Mandy: Oh, we've not come to sell anything.

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't want to appear rude, dear, but what have you come for?

Peter: We haven't come to buy or sell. We've merely come to wish you well.

Mandy: Did you just made that up, P?

Peter: Yes, I did, D. Right off the top of my head. Mind, I very nearly said, we haven't come to sell or buy. We happened to be passing by, so there's another one for you.

Mandy: Aren't you clever P?

Peter: I just don't know where they come from.

Dr. Hinge: You should try and find out and put poison down.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, don’t be so rude? You know, Mandy, I've been having the most terrible trouble with her this morning. I think she must have got out of bed the wrong side and stubbed her toe on her bird bath.

Mandy: Her bird bath?

Peter: In her bedroom?

Dame Hilda: Well, yes. Ever since her wash basin came away from the wall!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I do wish you would stop telling these silly stories about my bedroom. People will start believing them.

Dame Hilda: Evadne. Do you or do you not have a bird bath in your bedroom?

Dr. Hinge: Well, yes.

Dame Hilda: There you are then.

Dr. Hinge: But I don't wash in it.

Dame Hilda: It's always full of dirty water.

Dr. Hinge: That's because the ceiling leaks.

Dame Hilda: You see, she's quite hopeless.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if all you're going to talk about is me and my bird bath, I may as well go and get on with some work

Mandy: Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor. P, we’re disturbing them!

Peter: Well, you can't blame me.

Mandy: I’m not blaming you.

Peter: Then who are you blaming?

Mandy: I'm not blaming anyone.

Peter: Well, that's just plain silly. After all, if we're disturbing them, it means it's either you or me, or possibly both of us. And it's not me, so it must be you and don't say I didn't warn you.

Mandy: There's no call to get ratty.

Peter: I might just remind you, D, that it was you who said why don't we pop in. And me who said we don't want to disturb them, and you who said we won't. And in you marched, all I did was slope in behind you.

Mandy: And who’s doing all the talking?

Peter: Well, until you started this little altercation, I'd have said it was all pretty even stevens.

Dame Hilda: Would anyone like a cup of coffee?

Peter: I certainly wouldn't say no.

Mandy: P, we're disturbing them.

Peter: Oh, don't start all that again, D.

Mandy: I'm not. But no, P, we must let these good ladies get on.

Dr. Hinge: I suppose I could make a fresh pot.

Mandy: Oh, no, really, we're not staying.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you really are quite sure.

Mandy: Well, actually, Dame Hilda, we only popped in to see if you'd seen the local paper yet?

Dame Hilda: Do you know that I simply haven't had a chance. I think it might be around here somewhere. But it's been just one thing after another this morning, hasn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, hasn't it?

Dame Hilda: Is there anything interesting in it?

Peter: There's all the photographs of the fate.

Dame Hilda: Oh, oh, the fate. Oh, no, I'd forgotten all about it! Why are you tutting, Evadne​?

Dr. Hinge: I seem to have something stuck in my teeth.

Dame Hilda: Then let's hope it’s your tongue, dear.

Mandy: There are some gorgeous pictures of you, Dame Hilda, and there's a lovely one of the three of us, isn't there, P?

Peter: Oh, yes, that's right. Preparing for the three-legged race with Dame Hilda tying our inside legs together.

Mandy: Very efficiently, too, it took all afternoon to get them apart again.

Dame Hilda: You should have come, Evadne, we really did have some fun.

Dr. Hinge: I might have done if it hadn't clashed with the open day at the trout farm, I had to go to that.

Dame Hilda: Why? I didn't see a hook in your mouth.

Mandy: As a matter of fact, P and I are going to the newspaper office now to order some copies of the photographs.

Peter: And we thought perhaps we might be able to order some for you, Dame Hilda.

Mandy: But of course, if you haven't seen them yet?

Dame Hilda: Oh, just order me half a dozen of each would you.

Peter: Shall do.

Mandy: Incidentally, shall we be seeing you at the boot sale on Saturday?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I shouldn't think so, dear, I don't need any new boots. Mind, you do, Evadne, or do you still have a standing order at the police station for their size 12 boots?

Peter: No, no, Dame Hilda. We mean the car boot sale.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear, the boot on our car’s fine, we’re not thinking of changing it, are we, Evadne? Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: All right, Hilda. You've had both, your little jokes now. You know perfectly well what a car boot sale is. Teddy Tranter told us all about it. It's in the town hall car park on Saturday afternoon and I've already told Teddy we're going.

Dame Hilda: You didn't tell me?

Dr. Hinge: I did, but you obviously weren't listening, as usual. Why else will we be down here now, sorting all this stuff out?

Dame Hilda: Does that answer your question, Mandy?

Mandy: Oh, super. So we’ll see you there. Well, come along then, P, we must be making tracks. You know, I thought we might pop in and see if Molly Bainbridge wants copies of the pictures. We have to pass her wool shop on the way.

Peter: Well, if you don't think we'll be disturbing her?

Mandy: Of course we won't be disturbing her, she’ll be pleased to see us, like Dame Hilda and the Doctor.

Peter: Oh, well, in that case, lead on McDuff but be it on your own head. Goodbye ladies.

Mandy: Goodbyeee.

Dame Hilda: It's all right, dear, you can leave the office door open, we'll be out in a minute. Bye-bye. You think I should phone the wool shop, Evadne, she might just have time to get her closed sign up.

Dr. Hinge: Not at the speed those two travel, she won't. But I think I'll put ours up just in case they decide to come back.

Dame Hilda: Well, while you do that, I'll just have a very quick glance at the paper.

Dr. Hinge: Not now, Hilda. We have wasted quite enough time already this morning. And we must get that music sorted out. There's all the other bits and pieces to go through after that. Now, put that paper down and let's go.

Dame Hilda: Oh, very well. Talk about a slave driver. But then, of course, I suppose you're old enough to have worked with real slaves.

Dr. Hinge: An old slave driver could never have survived what I have to put up with. Just imagine trying to build the great pyramid with a hundred thousand people like you. I doubt they’d have got the foundations in yet. There, that's the sign, we're closed.

Dame Hilda: You haven't locked that front door, have you, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: You bet I have.

Dame Hilda: Suppose we get a customer.

Dr. Hinge: If we see anyone who looks like a genuine customer, we can always open up again. Though I sometimes wonder whether customers are really worth having anyway. They only prevent us getting on with our work.

Dame Hilda: Funny, and I was brought up to believe that the customer was always right.

Dr. Hinge: So was I, dear. But then we were brought up to be customers. Now to the music.

Dame Hilda: You mean this lot on the piano, dear.

Dr. Hinge: That's the lot. We've had some of that stuff for donkeys years.

Dame Hilda: You know, it certainly looks like it. This copy of the Messiah is inscribed to Evadne from George Frederick Handel. Easter 1742.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, get on with it.

Dame Hilda: Talk about a strange collection. Look what I found sandwiched between Alice where art thou and the sailors farewell. It's a song called, I've built a bamboo bungalow for you.

Dr. Hinge: This is beginning to sound like consequences.

Dame Hilda: Would you like to play it and see how it goes?

Dr. Hinge: Not particularly. I think I can guess how it goes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, go on, dear. It's only a short one. I could have chosen the Messiah.

Dr. Hinge: You could choose to do some work.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, this is work. I'd like to know what this song is like before I decide whether we should keep it or sell it.

Dr. Hinge: Well, couldn't we just toss for it?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, will you please play?

Dr. Hinge: Very well.

Way down the fair Ganges

There neath the bamboo trees.

Lived the sweetest Hindu maiden in Bengal

Till one day a hunter came,

Who said he was after game

But this is the game for me, thought he, I’ll call

So artfully he told her that he loved her quite madly

And he needed her badly

But the maiden shook her head

Thought he what a capture

Why she’s simply beguiling

For the girl started smiling as these words he said

I’ve built a bamboo bungalow for you

Big enough, for two If you only knew

So come love and leave this junglelow now do

My bungalow will just hold you

My little Hindu charmer

I’ve built a bamboo bungalow for you.

Big enough for two If you only knew

So come love and leave this junglelow now do

My bungalow will just hold you

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, what do you think?

Dr. Hinge: I think it's definitely one for the car boot sale.

Dame Hilda: Well, we ended up with so much stuff for the car boot sale that we really needed a car with two boots. I suggested taking the engine out and filling the front end as well. But Evadne failed to see the joke and she got very angry when I admitted quite truthfully that I hadn't the foggiest idea how one removed an engine. So we just crammed as much as we possibly could into the boot and set out for the town hall. There was a slight hitch on the way when the car got a puncture, mercifully, we were near a garage and while they repaired it, we popped down the road for a quick cup of tea. I must say, by the time I got to that cafe I was gasping. Well, naturally, we were a bit late arriving at the sale. Most of the car spaces had been taken, and when Teddy Tranter, our town clerk, started guiding us into a tiny space right at the far end, we very nearly gave up and went home.

Teddy: Hard down on the right, Hilda, love, harder, harder!

Dame Hilda: Teddy, there's a limit beyond which this steering wheel just won't turn.

Teddy: Then you're going to have to back out again, Hilda, love, and try coming in at a sharper angle.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, shall I get out and help?

Dame Hilda: No, you won't, Evadne. You'll sit just where you are and keep quiet. It's people trying to help that cause the trouble I’d be fine on my own.

Dr. Hinge: You were on your own last Tuesday when you reversed into the wall of the car park.

Dame Hilda: Well, that wasn't my fault. That car park attendant said he'd see me back.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. He didn't expect you to go back at 60 miles an hour.

Dame Hilda: Nevertheless, he might have told me he was going to look after someone else.

Dr. Hinge: He was doing no such thing. He was running for his life!

Teddy: Are you in trouble there, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: No, Teddy, no, everything's perfectly under control.

Teddy: Well then, could you get it to come forward again? There should be a little waggly stick down by your left hand.

Dame Hilda: I can do without the silly jokes, Teddy, can't I just leave it here?

Teddy: Well, I suppose you could. The only snag may be if a fire broke out, you see, you're right over the hydrant, love.

Dame Hilda: Oh, very well, I'm coming forward again.

Dr. Hinge: Get ready to jump, Teddy, she's going into gear.

Dame Hilda: Oh, do shut up, Evadne!

Teddy: Right, love, come to me. come on, to me, no love, to me. Ooh, not too close to me! Ah, there you are, Hilda, love, you've done it.

Dr. Hinge: Thank heavens!

Dame Hilda: I always do it better with my eyes closed. Right, Evadne, out you get, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I can't.

Dame Hilda: What do you mean, you can't?

Dr. Hinge: You're far too close to the next car I'll never get my door open.

Dame Hilda: Right, Teddy, dear, here we go again, see me out would you, dear.

Teddy: Oh, Hilda, love, do you think to move it again might be pushing your luck?

Dr. Hinge: I definitely do. I'll come out your side, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, if you're sure, but don't forget the last time you tried that you ended up with one leg out and one leg in and your middle bit stuck under the steering wheel.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, get out of the way and go and get the boot open.

Dame Hilda: Very well. If you're sure you can manage.

Teddy: If you give me the key, love, I'll open the boot for you.

Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you, Teddy, here you are, dear.

Teddy: I can hardly wait to see what you've got in this motorised Aladdin’s cave of yours. Open sesame! Oh, yes, I'll have another go. I say, Hilda, love, are you sure you've given me the right key?

Dame Hilda: I'm certain, dear.

Teddy: Well, your boot won't open.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, give it to me, dear. It's just a knack, you see. Oh, no, you're right, it won't, will it? Evadne, we can't get the boot open!

Dr. Hinge: What do you want me to do about it?

Dame Hilda: I want you to open it, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm terribly sorry, Hilda. I came out without my crowbar.

Dame Hilda: Haven't you got your little jemmy in your bag?

Teddy: Do you think we might budge it if we bounced it with our bottoms?

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's a good idea.

Dr. Hinge: Honestly, people will think we've been drinking.

Dame Hilda: Oh, come on, Evadne, all three of us, side by side, and bottoms to the boot.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, let's just hope no one recognises us.

Teddy: I say, isn't this cosy?

Dame Hilda: Now, altogether, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, hello!

Dr. Hinge: Who are you waving at, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: It's that nice young photographer from the bugle. The one who took those lovely pictures of me at the fete.

Teddy: Hilda, love, do you mind if I stop bouncing for a bit, I’ve come over quite queasy.

Dame Hilda: No, that's all right, dear, doesn't seem to be doing much good any way. Still, I bet that young man's got some lovely pictures of us bouncing.

Dr. Hinge: Well, with a bit of luck, no one will recognise me, mercifully, my hat slipped over my face.

Dame Hilda: Didn't you see him snapping me when we first arrived, dear? That was why I couldn't concentrate on the rear view mirror, not with the whole of my being crying out, smile straight to the lens.

Dr. Hinge: Well, coming to a car boot sale, with a boot that won't open seems exceptionally pointless. So I suppose we'd better just pack up and go home.

Dame Hilda: We're doing no such thing. We’ll sell sight unseen. After all, we're well enough known and perfectly reputable.

Dr. Hinge: And I suppose it is the sort of stuff that sounds better than it looks anyway.

Dame Hilda: All we need to do is take names and addresses, so we can deliver to buyers when the boots been fixed.

Teddy: Nil desperandum, as the frog prince said when he fell in the pelican pond.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good, you're feeling better, are you, Teddy?

Teddy: I should have known better Hilda, love. I've never been one for bouncing about. Even as a baby on me mother's knee, I couldn't take being shook up, you know.

Dame Hilda: Well, Teddy, you go and mingle and try to look like a crowd, dear.

Teddy: Wilko and over.

Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, let's make a start, shall we?

Dr. Hinge: Are you sure it wouldn't be wiser to give up and go home?

Dame Hilda: I'm positive, dear, my adrenaline's at flood tide.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you must.

Dame Hilda: Roll up, roll up!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you'll strain your voice.

Dame Hilda: Be quiet. Gather round everybody, come right round and stand around here please. And just in case there's someone here who doesn't recognise me, my name is Dame Hilda Bracket.

Dr. Hinge: There's no need to be too raucous, dear, your photographer friend is already snapping you.

Dame Hilda: Due to a little technical hitch, I'm selling from my boot this afternoon, sight unseen, but in this locked and recalcitrant boot, lie many, many treasures, items unique and priceless. Pearls from the glittering word of theatre, music and the dance. A pair of carpet slippers worn once by Ivor Novello, a bronze bust of Beethoven, which makes a lovely door stop, a signed photo of Dame Clara Butt.

Dr. Hinge: And several dozen of yourself!

Dame Hilda: Yes, it's a shame they can't see those too.

Teddy: Hilda, Hilda, just a minute.

Dame Hilda: Excuse me one moment, my assistant wants a word with me, what is it, dear?

Teddy: I've just leaned on your boot. It's come up in me face, it's open, look!

Dame Hilda: Oh, I say. Evadne, the boot's empty! where's it all gone?

Dr. Hinge: You didn't take it all out after I finished packing it.

Dame Hilda: Now why should I do that?

Dr. Hinge: Why indeed?  I just thought I'd better ask. You've done some sillier things.

Teddy: I reckon you've been bootjacked.

Dr. Hinge: Of course! The garage! When we had the puncture, remember? They will have had to take everything out to get to the spare wheel, I told them to check that.

Dame Hilda: So what are we going to do?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I suggest Teddy drives me back to the garage while you get hold of that photographer friend of yours.

Dame Hilda: Oh, he's got plenty of pictures of me today, dear,

Dr. Hinge: Exactly, including several of you selling sight unseen from an empty boot. I think he deserves an explanation.

Dame Hilda: Well, why?

Dr. Hinge: Well, can't you see the headline? Dame Hilda walks into trouble with empty boot!

Dame Hilda: There's only one answer to that, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: And what's that?