Stackton Tressel - The Movie.

Dame Hilda: I don't want to sound too deeply philosophical, but I suppose the difference between myself and Evadne is similar to that between the plum and the prune. And I'm not just talking about wrinkles. Well, I mean they're the same fruit, aren't they? And yet they couldn't be more different. Mention the word plum, and all sorts of nice things spring to mind, plum blossom, sugarplum fairies, plums in brandy, plum puddings at Christmas. But mention prunes and half the world suddenly comes to a standstill. Now Evadne’s a bit of a prune, she even dresses like a prune, stick her in her black seersucker two-piece and you could lose her in a sack of them, if she wasn't so tall. Well, this difference between us was graphically demonstrated recently. You see, our town clerk, Teddy Tranter, has a twin brother, Toby, who's chairman of a Stackton tourist authority. It's an hereditary post, his cousin had it before him. Anyway, Toby asked us to write and direct a little film about the town. So for a start, Evadne and I made a few notes. And a few mornings later we sat down over coffee at the old manse to discuss our ideas.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, have you read those little ideas I jotted down yet?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I have. Have you read mine?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Well?

Dame Hilda: Well what?

Dr. Hinge: Well, what do you think of them?

Dame Hilda: Tell me what you think of mine, dear.

Dr. Hinge: No, you tell me what you think of mine, then I'll tell you what I think of yours.

Dame Hilda: That's not fair, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean it's not fair?

Dame Hilda: Well, if I make the teeniest criticism of yours, you'll get all niggly. And then you'll go through mine with a fine tooth comb just looking for holes to pick in it.

Dr. Hinge: Do try to be more careful with your metaphors, dear.

Dame Hilda: What I do with my metaphors is my business!

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, I shan't have to go through these notes of yours looking for holes, they’re pretty obvious.

Dame Hilda: There you are, you're getting niggly already at the merest suggestion that I might have a few teeny weeny criticisms to make.

Dr. Hinge: I don't mind sensible, constructive criticisms, Hilda. So if you're going to be sensible and constructive, fire away.

Dame Hilda: Well, if you're quite sure, dear. Now, where shall I begin?

Dr. Hinge: Why don't you begin at the beginning?

Dame Hilda: Very well, then, page one, line one.

Dr. Hinge: What about it?

Dame Hilda: I can't read it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, give it here. What can't you read?

Dame Hilda: That bit there.

Dr. Hinge: Well, of course you can't read that I scribbled through it.

Dame Hilda: What did it say before you scribbled through it?

Dr. Hinge: It doesn't matter, I had second thoughts.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but I might have liked your first ones better.

Dr. Hinge: Just get on with it, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, all right, then, page one again, line two.

Dr. Hinge: Yes?

Dame Hilda: Well, it says, the scene opens in the church yard.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that's right, what's the matter with that?

Dame Hilda: I don't like it.

Dr. Hinge: It's a symbol of continuity, Hilda, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Dame Hilda: The aim is to attract tourists, not dustmen.

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no. We pan across the church yard, you see, picking out the old names on the ancient stones and the dates. And the gray mists swirl about the church and we dissolve back, further back, back...

Dame Hilda: How far back?

Dr. Hinge: A thousands years or more.

Dame Hilda: Not all the way to your childhood it’s only a twenty minute film.

Dr. Hinge: That opening will only take three minutes. We just cut from the church up to the civil war battlefield and then to the Saxon burial mound.

Dame Hilda: Does sound jolly!

Dr. Hinge: And over it all the narrator intones the line from Gray's elegy. Each in his narrow cell forever laid, the rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep.

Dame Hilda: And then one of them wakes up and takes us on a tour of the slate quarry.

Dr. Hinge: Thus introducing our industrial heritage.

Dame Hilda: Then the rain starts and hey presto we’re in a muddy field up to our whatnots in sugar beet.

Dr. Hinge: Thus introducing the hardships of the never ceasing toil on our land.

Dame Hilda: And from then on its mists, mud and mouldering ruins all the way, I felt damp just reading it.

Dr. Hinge: And that's your criticism of it?

Dame Hilda: That's the gist of it, yes.

Dr. Hinge: Have you nothing constructive to say?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I have.

Dr. Hinge: Well?

Dame Hilda: Tear it up, Evadne, it's depressing!

Dr. Hinge: Mercifully, I set little store by your opinion. However, let us now consider your ideas.

Dame Hilda: There's no point really now, Evadne, you'll only say they’re rubbish.

Dr. Hinge: They are rubbish!

Dame Hilda: There you are what did I tell you? The trouble with you is you simply cannot take criticism.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it seems to me that in your little epic we would see very little of Stackton, apart that is, from its dress and cake shops.

Dame Hilda: Well, tourists are going to be more interested in our shops than our sugar beet, surely​?

Dr. Hinge: Possibly, but why, when the cake shop door is open, is it necessary for 150 buns to dance out?

Dame Hilda: Not buns, Evadne, cakes, little iced cakes.

Dr. Hinge: It says here buns!

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm going to change that to cakes, then they can be doing a cake walk.

Dr. Hinge: Well, why can't they just be sitting in the cake shop window in the normal way?

Dame Hilda: Well, there isn't room in that tiny window for 150 people dressed as cakes.

Dr. Hinge: Well, why do they have to be people, why can't they just be cakes?

Dame Hilda: Well, I would have thought that was obvious, dear, cakes can't dance.

Dr. Hinge: We’re supposed to be making an information film, Hilda, not a Bugs bunny cartoon!

Dame Hilda: Well, the trouble is, Evadne, you have no sense of fun.

Dr. Hinge: I knew it would come to this. It was a very silly idea of Toby Tranters to suggest that we should do this together. It's like expecting Eisenstein to work with Walt Disney!

Dame Hilda: It’s a pity he didn’t.

Dr. Hinge: Don’t be stupid.

Dame Hilda: Do you remember the time you dragged me to see that Ivan the terrible thing?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, what about it?

Dame Hilda: It was terrible! It was over three hours long and I didn't laugh once.

Toby: Hello, both. It's me!

Dr. Hinge: Speak of the devil. There's Toby Tranter at the garden door now.

Dame Hilda: Alright Toby, I'm coming. Morning Toby, dear, do come in.

Toby: Oh, thank you, Hilda love. Hello, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Toby.

Dame Hilda: Well, sit yourself down, dear.

Toby: Oh, thanks, Hilda love, have I been on the go this morning?

Dame Hilda: You look a bit harassed.

Toby: It's been one long rush. I've not stopped since I left the house at 9.30.

Dr. Hinge: Well, its only 10.30. now!

Toby: Oh aye, but, by heck, I’ve done a bit in that hour. I've not even stopped for coffee.

Dame Hilda: Well, would you like a cup now, dear? We can soon make a fresh pot.

Toby: Oh, bless you, Hilda, but I've really not got the time. I'm due at the Lady Mayoress’s sherry party at 11, I've got a lunch appointment at 12, it's golf this afternoon. And you know, people think I have an easy life.

Dr. Hinge: What brings you tearing around here then, Toby?

Toby: Oh, the filum, love, the filum. I've got, er... I've got you a camera crew and they've given me some dates.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Toby, how splendid? What are they?

Toby: What are what Hilda love?

Dame Hilda: What are the dates, dear?

Toby: Oh, oh, heck, now, where did I put them? I made a note somewhere.

Dr. Hinge: In your diary perhaps?

Toby: I hope not, I don't know what I've done with that.

Dame Hilda: How about your shirt cuffs?

Toby: Oh, no. The lady wife put a stop to that little trick.

Dame Hilda: How did she manage that after all these years?

Toby: She cut the sleeves off all me shirts. Oh, oh, oh, there it is, look, written on me wrist.

Dr. Hinge: Old habits die hard, don’t they, dear?

Dame Hilda: Yes, better not let the lady wife see that, dear, she might cut your arms off!

Toby: Oh, Hilda love, don’t, not even in jest, she’s just sent away for a set of little choppers.

Dame Hilda: Oh, does she buy her teeth by mail order these days?

Dr. Hinge: Toby, I don't want to hurry you, dear, but what is the choice of dates?

Toby: Well, what I’ve written looks like Sunday.

Dame Hilda: Well, that's not much choice.

Dr. Hinge: You mean any Sunday?

Toby: No, seven or fourteen, this Sunday or next.

Dame Hilda: That's not much choice.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you’re beginning to sound like a parrot, dear!

Dame Hilda: At least I'm not beginning to look like one.

Toby: I'm sorry, but it's all they could do, love. I suppose I could try elsewhere, but it's finding the time.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that's the kibosh on your little ideas, Hilda, for a start you'll never get a 150 cake costumes made in time.

Toby: 150 cake costumes Hilda! Did I mention a budget?

Dame Hilda: No, you didn’t, dear.

Toby: Well, I will then, 250 pounds.

Dame Hilda: For the entire film?

Toby: Well, for your side of it, yes.

Dr. Hinge: Which is fine if we do it my way. As a straightforward documentary featuring the town and its people, all wearing their own everyday clothes.

Toby: Oh, that sounds eminently sensible, Evadne.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, be honest, even your straightforward documentary would need costumes, I mean, what about your old man who pops up out of the grave?

Toby: The grave?

Dr. Hinge: What about him?

Dame Hilda: Well, he's hundreds of years old, isn't he? he's not going to be able to wear his own clothes.

Dr. Hinge: He can be wearing a shroud, dear.

Toby: A shroud?

Dame Hilda: Well, I told her it's depressing, Toby.

Toby: Oh, We don’t want to be depressing? I mean, not with Yarmouth just up the road.

Dame Hilda: Well, then perhaps you can convince her, here read her notes, this is not what you want surely?

Dr. Hinge: Now, just a minute, Toby, before you read those, read these, and see the sort of expensive nonsense little Miss Busby Berkeley, has in mind.

Toby: No, I'll not take sides. We don't want to be too heavy, nor too light. Just give us a bit of this and a bit of that, should we say six of one and half a dozen of the other?

Dr. Hinge: Well, that's wonderfully clear and precise.

Dame Hilda: I know what you mean, Toby, you want a little less Evadne and a bit more me.

Toby: Oh, and by the way, I bumped into Peter and Mandy Moore on the way up here. Now, they say they'll make any bits and bobs you may need, free, nothing and for gratis.

Dr. Hinge: That's very kind of them, what are they after?

Toby: Nothing much, I just had to promise them they could be in the filum.

Dame Hilda: Now, wait a minute, dear, we have to be very careful who we ask to be in it.

Toby: Of course, we do, Hilda, love. And it's entirely up to you, if you don't want ‘em you just tell ‘em.

Dame Hilda: Thank you!

Toby: Incidentally, I'm free on Sunday.

Dr. Hinge: I’m Sorry have I missed something, have we decided to do it this Sunday?

Toby: Well, it would suit me best, Evadne and as chairman of the Stackton tourist authority, I say, you do want me, I mean, if you don't, just say, it's up to you.

Dame Hilda: Sunday it is, then, Toby. And don’t worry, dear, I'll find you something to do.

Toby: Oh, thanks, Hilda love. Well, our little project seems to be in very good shape then, doesn’t it?

Dr. Hinge: I dare say we'll muddle through somehow.

Dame Hilda: We usually do.

Toby: That's the spirit. I always say, if you want a job done properly go to the professionals and give them a completely free hand.

Dame Hilda: So there we were, with a free hand tied behind our backs and committed to making a film in one day for 250 pounds. With a cast that consisted of ourselves, Peter and Mandy Moore and Toby Tranter, well, I bet Sam Goldwyn couldn't have done it, I bet Sam Goldwyn wouldn't have tried. Anyhow, we decided that Evadne would spend the Sunday morning, filming all the straight bits and then I would take over to shoot the fun stuff, and that would go in between all her bits and pieces, you see. Mind, I insisted on a rehearsal, so Toby splashed out and hired the co-op hall on the Saturday afternoon. Well, of course he was late and we had to start without him. We began with a little song for which I had written new and special words

{Co-op hall.}

Dame Hilda: All right, we’ll work without him, but keep up and give it the full film version!

Stackton Tressel welcomes you

Dame Hilda: Well, what do you think of it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I imagine it gives a pretty fair warning of what's in store

Peter: Do you want me to do anything funny during that?

Dame Hilda: Not if you can help it, Peter, no.

Peter: You don't want any funny noises?

Dame Hilda: Not if you can help it.

Dr. Hinge: I think a few funny noises might help it.

Dame Hilda: Evadne! I'm sure you’ll manage to make all the funny noises we need, one way or another.

Mandy: P doesn't just make funny noises, do you, P? He makes some very serious ones you should hear him in the bath.

Peter: I practice in the bath, don't I, Mandy?

Mandy: I should say, I sometimes wonder what's going on in there, honestly, I do, he can imitate water going down the plug hole, can’t you P?

Peter: Yes, I can imitate water coming back up it too.

Mandy: Go on P, go on!

Peter: Bloop, bloop!

Dame Hilda: Yes, thank you, dear, well, I'll certainly keep your funny noises in mind, Peter.

Peter: Thank you.

Dame Hilda: Now, where on earth is Toby?

Dr. Hinge: Well, he's only ten minutes late that's early for him.

Dame Hilda: Well, we’ll just have to press on without him. Now, the song we've just rehearsed will be sung over the film's opening titles. See, my idea was to open with a shot of a light aircraft, towing a banner, reading, Welcome to Stackton Tressel.

Peter: Oh, incidentally, I’ve finished painting the banner, Dame Hilda, well, all but the final   ‘essel.

Mandy: He's never had to do the ‘essel before, he's always run out of banner before he got to it.

Dr. Hinge: Where did you get the banner itself from Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, Toby got it from the town hall, dear, we've used the back of the one they hang out at Christmas. You'll know it, happy spelt with three ps and Christmas with a K.

Dr. Hinge: I know it.

Dame Hilda: Now, we had hoped the Stackton flying club might lend us their light aircraft to tow the banner, but apparently there’s been a hitch.

Dr. Hinge: Not a hitch Hilda, there's been a crash.

Mandy: Oh, we saw that on the local news last night, didn't we, P? while you were holding my wool.

Peter: That's right, we did, D, and why they didn't open that hangar door before they tried to take off I’ll never know.

Dr. Hinge: Because they’re idiots, that’s why!

Peter: So, after all my work, you're going to have to drop the banner idea, are you, Dame Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, it rather depends on whether you two agree to a little idea I’ve had.

Mandy: Oh, what's that, Dame Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, it's that you and Peter take one end of the banner each and run with it.

Mandy: Run with it?

Dame Hilda: Full tilt up Wendelbury Hill, so that we can film it with the town spread out behind you.

Dr. Hinge: You're not asking much, are you?

Peter: Oh, we've been up and down Wendelbury Hill any number of times, haven't we, D?

Mandy: Well, yes, P. But we've never run up it carrying a 50 foot banner.

Peter: We’ve run up it with our kites, we’ve run up it with our toboggans. Oh, come on, D, don't be a banner pooper.

Mandy: Oh, well, I suppose I'm game if you are.

Peter: You know me, D. I'm always game.

Mandy: Yes, I sometimes wish you weren't.

Dame Hilda: That's settled then. Now, the next piece I want to run through is my first piece.

Dr. Hinge: I thought we were taking a long time getting to you.

Dame Hilda: Peter and Mandy, this is the first scene after the title, and you two and Toby appear in it as a party of tourists.

Peter: Do you want me to wear something funny for that?

Dame Hilda: No, just come as you are, dear.

Mandy: Oh, he looks absolutely priceless in a baseball cap and knee length shorts.

Dr. Hinge: Why guild the lily?

Dame Hilda: Quite. Now, we first see you walking along the road, towards the sign that carries the Stackton coat of arms and reads Stackton Tressel twinned with Leighton Buzzard!

Mandy: I’ve always wondered why we were twinned with Leighton Buzzard?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, the answer is simple, dear. Toby Tranters aunt lives there, so when he goes to visit her he gets his fair paid.

Dame Hilda: Now, as the tourists approach the sign there's a puff of smoke and I appear.

Dr. Hinge: Are you on fire?

Dame Hilda: I’m making a dramatic entrance, dear, as the spirit of Stackton Tressel.

Mandy: Oh, out of the mists of time like a figure in Arthurian legend.

Dr. Hinge: More like out of an old lamp like the genie in Aladdin.

Peter: And do we react to that, Dame Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, yes, Peter, of course you do. You hold up your hands and you go, aahh!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, how do they go Hilda?

Dame Hilda: They go aahh, in wonderment, dear.

Dr. Hinge: You don't think that's over doing it?

Dame Hilda: I don't think so, after all, I shall be dressed in my Brünhilde costume.

Dr. Hinge: Your what?

Dame Hilda: You know, Evadne, that dress still fits me perfectly, cut on the cross of course and one gets so little chance these days to wear a winged helmet.

Dr. Hinge: You don’t think Brünhilde’s a bit of Germanic for the spirit of Stackton Tressel.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, dear, as far as the audience is concerned I shall be just an elegant figure in a long dress and a winged helmet, with a spear in one hand and a shield in the other. I could be anybody.

Toby: Oh, Hilda love, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Toby, it's all right, we've been working round you.

Dr. Hinge: In ever decreasing circles.

Toby: Profoundest apologies everybody, and general, hellos, fellow Thespians.

Mandy: Hello, Toby.

Peter: Hello,

Toby: Oh, Hilda love, have I had a morning? You know, I've been sitting on that phone at home for almost two and a half hours

Dame Hilda: Sounds most uncomfortable.

Toby: My right ear feels like a dump dishcloth.

P&D: Oh, no!

Toby: You wouldn't credit it, would you? they leave it until 11 o'clock this morning to tell me they can't filum us tomorrow after all. Talk about pricking one's balloon.

Dr. Hinge: And it took them two and a half hours to tell you that?

Toby: Oh, no, no, it took them all of five seconds. They were in a pub call box with 10p between them, can’t do you this Sunday, all right for next? explain when we see you, sweetie, ciao, and down it went.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, that's the trouble with Italian's, it's all mañana.

Toby: So then, of course, I had to set too and rearrange my entire schedule so that I could be free for you next Sunday.

Dr. Hinge: You needn’t have bothered, dear, we’d have managed somehow!

Mandy: We're going tadpoling next Sunday, aren't we, P? I’ve washed our jam jars.

Peter: We can go tadpoling the following Sunday, D, where tadpoles are concerned one day is very like another.

Dr. Hinge: Unless it's the day they turn into frogs.

Peter: If they’ve turned into frogs we’re too late for tadpoling anyway.

Toby: Of course, this means I shall be at a loose end tomorrow, I hate being at a loose end.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you won’t be Toby. I tell you what, people, tomorrow, we'll spend all day rehearsing at the actual locations.

Dr. Hinge: That'll be fun.

Dame Hilda: If in the meantime, we can just press on with what we were doing. Where were we, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Well, you had just appeared in the puff of smoke in your Brünhilde costume, purporting to be the spirit of Stackton Tressel.

Toby: Oh, I say, Hilda, love, that sounds, uh, sounds a little bit, um, uh, what's the word I'm looking for, uh, uh, uh….

Dr. Hinge: Ridiculous!

Toby: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Thank you. It's the Stackton boundary, Toby! The spirit of Stackton welcomes a party of tourists, you, Peter and Mandy and shows them round the town.

Toby: Oh I see and you describe all the places of interest to us as we go, do you Hilda love?

And very well worth the journey

Peter: Oh, that's jolly good!

Toby: Oh, Hilda love, did you write that?

Dr. Hinge: Well it certainly wasn't Tennyson!

Dame Hilda: I have one for each location, Toby, how about this one for the slate quarry,

Dr. Hinge: Oh, honestly, Hilda!

Then rather nicer people came

You'll probably see me.

Mandy: Oh, P, isn’t that frightfully clever?

Peter: It certainly is, D, I've always thought that history should be fun.

Dr. Hinge: You're never going to use those lines about being in the tea shop, Hilda?

Toby: Oh, I think it's a very bright idea, Evadne, they're honour bound to give us a free tea.

Dame Hilda: I knew you’d like them. Now there's just one more thing I want to do today and that is the final song. I got copies of the words for you all, Toby this is yours.

Toby: Ta muchly.

Dame Hilda: Peter, Mandy.

P&D: Thank you, merci.

Dame Hilda: And, Evadne, this is the actual music here. Do you think you'll be able to manage it?

Dr. Hinge: Believe me, Hilda, if you can sing it I can play it.

Dame Hilda: Now to set the scene. This is the very end of the film, our three tourists are sitting in a bus shelter waiting for the bus that will take them away from Stackton and back to their humdrum daily lives in London or whatever!

Mandy: Oh, are we meant to be English tourists, Dame Hilda, I've been thinking American.

Dame Hilda: Well whatever you've been doing just keep doing it, dear, it was fine.

Dr. Hinge: There speaks the great director.

Dame Hilda: So you're all looking rather dejected, when suddenly I appear and the music starts, Evadne!

What’s the word that everyone is saying? {What is it?}

You can hear it everywhere you go. {Hark!}

What’s the tune that every band is playing? {What is it?}

I will sing it if you’d like to know. {We'd like to know!}

Dame Hilda: {Excellent.}

Cheerio, every one, Cheerio, seems as though it is time you must go.

Looking back you'll find that you’ve left behind.

Lots of happy hours together but never mind.

You'll be back in a while cheerio.

In the meantime just smile cheerio.

Say goodbye to all your troubles, just remember they’re like bubbles, cheerio everyone cheerio.

Dame Hilda: Cheerio, and so my friends the time has come to bid adieu to Stackton with it’s dreaming spires, its rich history, and its excellent cake and hat shops. And as the dying rays of the setting sun illuminate the new crematorium in the town hall gardens we say comeback soon, but in the meantime, Say goodbye to all your troubles, just remember they’re like bubbles, cheerio everyone cheerio.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor