The Christmas Jottings Of Hinge And Bracket. ♬Piano tinkles. Have yourself a merry little Christmas.♬ Dame Hilda: Christmas is a time for looking back and looking forward. For looking back on good times and old friends past and present, for looking forward to good times still to come and new friends yet to be made. Dr. Hinge: What are you going on about? Dame Hilda: I'm writing my Christmas diary, dear. Get on with your tinkling. Dr. Hinge: I'm tired of tinkling. Dame Hilda: Well, have another satsuma then, and this time don't throw your peel into the flower vase. Dr. Hinge: I'd throw it into the fire if you weren't completely blocking it from my view. Dame Hilda: Ah the fire. Now that's a nice cosy picture for Christmas Eve. Christmas is a time for gathering at the family hearth and drawing one's chair closer to the blazing fire. Dr. Hinge: If you draw yours any closer you'll set light to it, dear. Dame Hilda: Evadne, do stop distracting me, I'm trying to concentrate and you'll know that I like my Christmas jottings to be a bit special. Dr. Hinge: Well, there's nothing special about what you've just written there. That bit about the fire is almost word for word off one of our Christmas cards. Dame Hilda: Which Christmas card? Dr. Hinge: The one on the shelf beside you. Dame Hilda: Oh, oh, oh, oh, good heaven's, you're absolutely right. Ha, ha, ha, I thought it sounded a bit familiar. Still it's nice isn't it? Dr. Hinge: Well it's all right on a Christmas card from someone who works for the Solid fuel advisory service certainly. Dame Hilda: We've had some very pretty cards this year, haven't we? Dr. Hinge: At least they're varied. I say, do you remember that year when nearly every blessed card we got had a robin in the snow on it? Dame Hilda: We had a white Christmas that year too. I remember on the Christmas Eve we made a snowman. Dr. Hinge: That's right and mother and you wanted to carry it indoors so it could hang its stocking up. Dame Hilda: Well, it looked so lonely out in the garden all by itself in the moonlight? I say, do you remember last Christmas Eve? Dr. Hinge: Shall I ever forget it? Dame Hilda: By this time last year we had just about got back from the Co-op Hall after the dress rehearsal. Dr. Hinge: By 11 o'clock had we? Dame Hilda: Oh, I can soon tell you I've got last year's diary here? Dr. Hinge: All I know is we didn't get to bed until about two in the morning. I must say I'm glad we're not doing a pantomime this year. Dame Hilda: Oh, but the pantomime was fun, dear. Jolly hard work, but fun. Yes, yes here we are. Now, Christmas eve, you see? It was a few minutes before 11 when we finally got home from a very fraught dress rehearsal. We were just about to pour ourselves a nightcap and settle in our armchairs to unwind, when there was a knock at the front door and Evadne didn't look at all pleased when she found out who it was. {Last Christmas eve.} Dame Hilda: Well look who's here, Evadne, it's Maud. Dr. Hinge: What on earth do you want Maud? Dame Hilda: She's just returning the key to the Co-op Hall, dear. She and Arthur have just finished down there. Maud: That's right. My Arthur's 'ammered all them dents out of the King's crown and 'e's stuck the jewels back in it, all as 'e could find and I've darned the Prince's tights an' all. Mind I 'ad I'll do 'im in a different colour, but it shouldn't be too noticeable seeing as where they was torn and as long as 'e's careful. Dr. Hinge: So all is well then is it, Maud? Maud: Ah, Doctor, alls well. Dame Hilda: Well, can I get you a little glass of sherry now, dear. Maud: Oh, thank you, Dame 'ilda, but no, I've got my Arthur sitting out in the car and 'e's fiddling to get 'ome and stuff 'is turkey. Dame Hilda: Well just one final thing before you go then, dear. I know you've got an awful lot to think about during the show, what with all your backstage work and your little part but you will listen for cues, won’t you? Maud: Oh, don't you worry, Dame 'ilda, I'll listen. {Phone rings.} Dr. Hinge: Who on earth can that be? Dame Hilda: It's all right. I'll get it. Maud: I'll be getting along then? Happy Christmas. Dame Hilda: Happy Christmas, Maud. Dr. Hinge: Happy Christmas, dear. Dame Hilda: All right, all right. Hello, Stackton 295… Who? Oh Lorna, dear…. Well we've not been back long, you see, it was the dress rehearsal tonight….. What? Oh, pretty dreadful but you know what they say, if you have a bad dress rehearsal it's bound to be right on the night. {Door knocks.} Dame Hilda: Oh no, who's that? Dr. Hinge: Don't worry, I'll go. Dame Hilda: Sorry Lorna, now there's somebody at the door, dear…. No, no, Evadne's gone. What dear? No, no. I'm not going to tell you who our special guests are... Well just that they're very dear friends of mine… Oh yes, of course they're professionals and very well known too... Well you'll just have to wait and see won't you? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it's Roland Quartermaine, he's got a problem. Roland: Sorry to barge in like this, Dame Hilda. Dame Hilda: Oh it's alright dear, sit yourself down, I'll be with you in just a moment. I'm sorry Lorna, I'm going to have to run, dear. One of my actors has just arrived with a little problem. We never sleep in this business…. Yes, yes, see you on boxing day, bye bye dear. Now, Roland, what can I do for you, dear? Roland: Well, I'd just got home and was going through my lines. When it occurred to me that there's a glaring anachronism in this script you've written. Dame Hilda: Really, dear? Dr. Hinge: It is a pantomime, Roland, not Ibsen. Roland: Nevertheless, how is it that in a land from which all sharp objects have been banished, there's me walking about with an axe in my hand? Dame Hilda: Well, by that time dear, it doesn't matter does it? The sleeping beauty's asleep and they're all asleep. Roland: I'm not asleep, I'm wandering about with an axe in my hand. Dame Hilda: Well you're a woodcutter, you've got to have an axe in your hand, haven't you? Dr. Hinge: Now don't forget Roland, a hundred years has passed by the time you get on in that scene. Dame Hilda: And while we're on the subject, dear, do you think you could try to make that character just a little bit different from your other ones? He is meant to be a rustic, you know? Roland: I thought I was making him sound different. The trouble is I play far too many parts. Dr. Hinge: And so well, dear. Roland: Still, if Dame Hilda wants a little more characterisation, I'll see what I can do. Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. {Carol singers knocking.} P&D: Sing Dr. Hinge: It's Peter and Mandy Moore, that pair of fools. Dame Hilda: You'd think that they'd be exhausted after a long day's rehearsal, wouldn't you? Dr. Hinge: I suppose I'll have to open the garden door and let them in. Peter: Hello! Mandy: It's only us! Dr. Hinge: We guessed! Dame Hilda: Come along in, my dears. Mandy: Oh thank you, Dame Hilda. Peter: Thank you. Hello Roland, I thought you were going home to study your lines? Roland: I thought you were going to midnight service? Mandy: Oh we are, we just saw the light from the road and wondered if Dame Hilda and the Doctor would like to join us. Dame Hilda: Oh I say, how about it, Evadne? Why don't we all have a little glass of sherry to warm ourselves up and then go to the midnight mass? Dr. Hinge: I suppose I could just about totter there. Roland: Well, that sounds a good idea. Perhaps we'd be wise to offer up a little prayer for success on opening night. Dame Hilda: Opening night? Do you realise that in little less than 48 hours we'll all be standing on that stage together, an eager company of enthusiastic actors just waiting for that curtain to go up. I can see us now, dressed for the opening number, the smell of grease paint fresh in our nostrils, butterflies in our tummies and we shall hear the buzz of the excited conversation from a capacity audience, of course, and then on the stroke of 7:30. {Co-op Hall. Fanfare playing.}
Pantomime, pantomime, what a thrill, what a time Where all the world it's cares can leave in the land of make believe Pantomime, pantomime, music plays keeping time With every heart that knows the score And we're all just kids once more With knaves and princes, dames and clowns All seeking crowns of gold Tears and laughter after all A happy ending to behold Pantomime pantomime, on it goes, so sublime It's entertainments greatest show So long, it's pantomime!
Dame Hilda: Our tale begins with once upon a time And takes us as the town clocks chime…. And takes us as the town clocks chime…. Maud! Maud! Where's the clock? Maud: Sorry, Dame 'ilda, I didn't know you'd started. Dame Hilda: I'll start again. Stupid woman! All right, ladies and gentlemen, just a little technical hitch. Here we go again. Our tale begins with once upon a time And takes us as the town clocks chime To a magic kingdom 12,000 leagues away At noon precisely on the first of May Here at the palace, the local royals Who for many years have wanted children, either boys or goils Have at last been granted their hearts desire And there's now a little princess in a cot beside the fire But what shall her name be? Rose, Japonica Her parents can't decide on the poor child's moniker And the time runs out I hope you're all still listening For I wave my wand, and lo We're off to the palace on the day of the christening
Listen to all the jolly laughter The rafters are ringing once again Now, every heart, rejoices Hear those happy voices
King: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Queen: Well make up your mind! King: No. Queen: Well, no one can say I married a yes man. King: We cannot call that poor girl six and seven eights. Queen: You told me to pull something out of the hat, and that's what I pulled. King: Well, stick your hand in again, dear, and pull something else out. Queen: Ooh! King: Go on, don't be squeamish, you know whose hat it is. Queen: Oh, I don't like putting my hand in your hat. I never know what I'm going to pull out. King: Well, what have you ever found in my hat except a pair of white gloves and a pork pie? Queen: I once found a blancmange. King: Yes, I know, dear, but be fair, I mean, that was a party, wasn't it? Now, go on, stick your hand in again and try again. Queen: Oh. All right, there. How's that for a name? King: Moss Bros. Queen: Oh. King: We must be doing something wrong, dear. Queen: I told you to put some names in the hat first. King: Yes, but I mean, we couldn't think of any names. could we? I mean, that's the problem, do you see? I mean, my family has never been able to think of names. Why do you think I'm King? X, X, X. Queen: I always thought you were the 30th. King: The 30th, what? Queen: Well, the 30th King of that name. King: What name? Queen: Oh, well, of course. Now you come to mention it. King: Oh, wait a minute. I know. I know. We'll toss for it. I'll toss and you call. Right? Now, heads or tails? Queen: Tails! King: Ah, tails it is. We'll call her Tailia. Queen: Ah. Oh, that's a pretty name. The Princess Tailia. King: Oh, I know who that'll be. Dame Hilda: I am the fairy sweetness and light And I come hot foot from the land of sheer delight. I come hot foot because the dragons have been breathing on my shoes. Queen: Oh, I hope they've not been breathing on our palace gates. We've only just had them painted. Roland: Should I go and stable on fiery dragons, Sire? King: Yes, by all means. Just put them in the boiler house. We could do with some nice hot water. Dame Hilda: Oh, and you might give them a can of coke. That's a dragon type joke. Roland: Where did you drag it from? Dame Hilda: We don't want any cheek out of you, thank you. You've get off and feed the dragons and mind they don't set fire to your sporran. Roland: Oh, very well, madame. Queen: We're so glad you could come, fairy sweetness and light. You're the very first fairy to arrive. Dame Hilda: Really? Isn't the fairy dew drop here yet? King: Oh, no. Not yet. We'd have seen a damp patch. Dame Hilda: Then the fairy dew drops over dew. She promised she'd drop in, and fairy rose petal is on her way. She's coming on her bike, when I passed her, she was petaling like mad. Queen: Oh, I do hope they all arrive. I've catered for those fairies As royal hostess should I've made a load of fairy cakes And a steak and kidney pud Dame Hilda: Still not to worry. I've brought all the gifts the fairies wish to bestow on the little princess. Where is she by the by? {Baby noises.} King: Dear me, I must get that water pipe fixed. Queen: That's our little princess, Tailia, in the cot beside the fire. King: Oh, well, then I must get our little princess fixed. Dame Hilda: But it hasn't she been nice and quiet up till now? You've obviously got a little trooper there. Queen: What on earth is that? King: Oh, look, through yon window a figure on a broomstick towards the palace comes. Queen: Oh gosh, oh golly, oh, crikey, oh, crumbs. Dame Hilda: There's only one person I know who rides a motorised broomstick, especially one with a sticker reading boating holidays on the river Styx are hell. Dr. Hinge: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Dame Hilda: Stand aside, make room. It's the fairy gloom and doom. Dr. Hinge: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! To this christening I was not invited. I'm sick and tired Of being slighted Dame Hilda: Oh, get back to Macclesfield. Well, let's face it, you are a bit of a party poop, especially in that nose. Queen: Oh, fairy gloom and doom we intended, no insult. We sent you an invite many moons ago, but it came back marked not known at this coven. King And then somebody told us you were dead, you see. Dr. Hinge: Who told you that? King: Oh, some old bat. Dame Hilda: Dead, ridiculous. She's only 3,200 years old, aren't you? Dr. Hinge: I'm 2,300 years old. Dame Hilda: Really? And you look older. Still, that's because you won't use your oil of ulay. Queen: I'd lend her my vanishing cream if I thought it would make her vanish. Dr. Hinge: Vanish! Vanish, you talk of vanish Soon from this place, all happiness I'll banish For when I arrive, the mortal world turns chill See, icicles hang from the ceiling now And there's frost on the window sill King: Oh, dear. Oh, feel my hands, dear, they're freezing. Queen: Atchoo!! King: Oh, bless you. Queen: Oh, I can't, dear, not while I'm sneezing. Dame Hilda: Oh, look, I can see my breath floating there, Like little clouds in the cold and frosty air. Dr. Hinge: You wouldn't see it if it didn't talk so much. Dame Hilda: Why do you always say that to me? Dr. Hinge: Because you always talk so much. Dame Hilda: She's just like this at home, you know. Queen: Oh, dear, my pinky's turned all blue! King: Oh right, goodness me, your nose has too, dear. Dame Hilda: I'll thaw things out, Restore your circulation, And bring a little warmth To this chilly situation. I'll give the Princess Tailia her gifts from fairyland. If I can have a little music from my little band... On the sleeping child here below These rare gifts I now bestow The gift of beauty And the gift of grace The gift of wit divine Light as a fairy shall her step entrance All who behold her in the merry dance Sweet as a nightingales, her song shall be To which I add all powers of minstrelsy Queen: Oh, ye gods and little fishes. She's gonna be a catch for someone. I do hope she won't get big headed. Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry about that, dear she won't. I mean, just look at me. The same gifts were bestowed at my christening, do you see. Dr. Hinge: There's no need to worry That she'll get big-headed Before she's very old my dear Your daughter will be deaded Queen: Deaded? Dr. Hinge: Aye, it is fair warning I give to you A needle shall her hand run through. Dame Hilda: A needle! Dr. Hinge: Aye. Aye, and with in moments she shall die. Queen: Oh, catch me, I faint. King: I'm fainting too. Queen: Oh, well, if you want to go first, I'll catch you. Dr. Hinge: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! {Baby wails!} Queen: Oh, now you look what you've done, You've gone and woken our little one Dr. Hinge: So what? King: Well, you woke her up. You can jolly well get her back to sleep again. Dr. Hinge: I'm not going to get her to sleep again. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes you are Well, oh, yes, you am I had to say that to Rhyme with pazzam! My magic may be weak And may not last long, But it will make you nice enough To join me in this song.
The dream man's coming on a train of cars With moon beam windows and with wheels of stars So kiss your nannies and kiss your pas And all aboard you little ones The railroad track it is a rainbow bright That runs right up into the starry night So come you little ones and have no fear The man in the moon is the engineer Hush! Here comes the dream man Hush! Here comes the dream man Now you children, run up the stairs Put on your nighties and say your prayers Ride with Mr. Dream man till the daylight comes again And see all the wonders of wonderland on the dream man's train The Noah's ark elephant has packed his trunk And Rip van winkles in his sleeping bunk With Sinbad sailing a Chinese junk All aboard you little ones There's Tom Thumb riding on a big black snail And Neptune sitting on old Jonah's whale A cord of seaweed rings the engine bell It's made with winkle in an oyster shell Hush! Here comes the dream man Hush! Here comes the dream man And now you children, run up the stairs. Put on your nighties and say your prayers Ride with Mr. Dream man and till the daylight comes again And see all the wonders of wonderland on the dream man's train Hush!
Roland: Oyez! Oyez! Oh yea! Be it known that in order to protect the princess Tailia, from the curse laid upon her by the fairy gloom and doom. All sharp objects are from this day, henceforward and for all time banished from this land. On pain of death, all knives are cut, all choppers axed, all axes chopped. There's no point in trying to hide your needles, and you'll be hammered if you're caught with a nail in the house. Look sharp, get shot of your scissors. Chuck out your brooches, or I'd not give two pins for your chances. Keeping shears is a sheer waste of time. And dispose of your lawn mowers, for you ain't going to need them. No mower, no mower. Signed with a felt pen, this first of May, the Christening Day, by his Royal Majesty King X, X, X. And you all know Y, Y, Y. Oyez! Oyez! Dame Hilda: And so the years passed gradually away The princess growing lovelier with each passing day And more accomplished too She could sing and dance And talk quite wittily to the royal plants Her life seemed safe, but to warn of dangers They bought her a guard dog who hated strangers Dame Hilda: Maud! Maud: Yes, Dame 'ilda? Dame Hilda: That's your cue, dear, the guard dog who hated strangers. Maud: Oh, sorry, Dame 'ilda. Woof, woof. Dame Hilda: It's amazing. Sounds almost human, doesn't she? And they were inseparable As Gog and Magog Were this little princess And her funny old dog The dog they made safe by clipping its claws And the pair of them would romp through the palace corridors Hark! Here they come now. And while they play I shall fly to my fairy home, far far away
Maud: Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! Mandy: Oh, oh, oh! Don't run so fast, Mopsy, I can't keep up! My poor heart's going, pit a pat, pit a pat, pit a pat! Maud: I weren't' going no faster than I done at rehearsal. Mandy: They're my lines, Maud. Maud: Well, I don't remember that bit about your dicky ticker. Mandy: I just added that to give it a bit of colour. Dame Hilda: Mandy, will you please stop ad libbing, dear, and get on with it? Mandy: Sorry, Dame Hilda. Oh, I feel in the mood for games. Would you like to play ball with me, Mopsy? Maud: Woof, woof. Mandy: Go on, then. Catch! {Whistle!} Butter paws. Well, pick the ball up in your mouth, Mopsy, and bring it back to Tailia. Maud: I'm trying to pick it up, but it's a bigger ball than what we 'ad at rehearsal, and I can't get it in me mouth. Mandy: Ahhh! Poor old Mopsy. She's getting on a bit now, and her poor old teeth are not what they were, alas and alack. Thank heavens for improvisation classes. Here, I'll pick it up for you, shall I, Mopsy? Maud: Yes. You might be able to get yer mouth round it. Mandy: Well, thank Tailia then. How about a little kiss? Oh, be careful, Maud. Your taking all my makeup off. Here! We'll have a game, hide and seek. Maud: Woof, woof. Mandy: I knew you'd like that. So, you run off and hide, and I'll count to ten, and then come after you. Maud: Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. Mandy: One, two, three, four Mopsy's off down the corridor Five, six, seven, eight Not many more seconds, must I wait Nine, ten, here I come Oh, don't the two of us have some fun. Mopsy, Mopsy, ready or not, I'm coming to find you! Dr. Hinge: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! The princess Tailia, Will rue this hour. For shortly, she shall be in my power, Seeking her Mopsie in an attic room. She now unwittingly approaches her doom. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! {Cough!}
Oh, I've never been up here before What's that sound coming from behind that door I think I'll open it and explore Oh, I haven't seen you before Dr. Hinge: Come in, my dear, and make yourself at home I'm only a dear, sweet, hard working old crone I've a living to make, if you know what I mean So I sit day and night at this sewing machine Mandy: Sewing machine? Why, what is that? I've never seen such thing before. Dr. Hinge: Would you like to try it, my dear? Mandy: Oh, may I? Dr. Hinge: Of course you may, my pretty one. Just sit down and put your feet on the treadle. Hold the cloth with that hand, so, and... Mandy: Wait! Is that not a needle? Dr. Hinge: Where, dear? my poor old eyesies, ain't what they wassies. Touch it for me, would you? Mandy: Look, there it is! I've seen a life-size replica in the town museum. Dr. Hinge: Ah, that, dear, that is a safety needle. It will pierce paper and cloth, but nothing else. Why, they even supply them in princess proof packets. Now put your hands there and treadle. Mandy: Well, I suppose if there were any danger, Mopsy would warn me. So, here goes. AHH! I've pricked my finger! Oh, look! Blood! Dr. Hinge: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! My bygone prophecy is coming right She'll die before she's 18, tonight. Mandy: Help! Help! Mopsy! Mopsy! Dr. Hinge: So, you want your mangey, old Mopsy, do you? Well, she's here in this cupboard. I shall now release her from my spell. She didn't protect you very well. Maud: Growl! Dr. Hinge: Get off, Maud! You're over doing it! Maud: If I were a real dog I'd tear you to pieces, Doctor! Dr. Hinge: If you were a real dog, I'd shoot you. So, you'd attack an aged crone Then I shall turn you into stone Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Mandy: Oh, Mopsy, Mopsy, I die, I die. Mother, Father, why were you not nigh by? Queen: Not nigh by? we'll tell you why. King: Aye, we'll tell you why we weren't nigh by. Queen: The king was in his counting house, counting out his money. King: The queen was in the parlour, you see, eating bread and honey. Queen: Then suddenly I had a vision, vivid as a dream. King: You tell me, and that you see, was when we heard the scream. Queen: We raced up the steep stone steps, we tore down the corridors. King: I felt my trousers slipping down. Queen: And I nearly lost me drawers. King: We rushed up to that turret room, put our shoulders to the door. Queen: And when the door flew open, we both fell on the floor. King: That was when we smelled burning, and she will tell you why. Queen: I'd left four and twenty blackbirds, baking in a pile. King: But, to cut a long story short. Queen: We gently carried our poor stricken daughter down to the very finest boudoir in the palace. King: Now, now, mother, you mustn't distress yourself. It's only a fairy story, you see. Which is why, of course, we sent it once for the fairy sweetness and light. And like the wonderful trooper she is she was with us before we could say. Both: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper Then where is the peck of pickled pepper That Peter Piper picked?
Dr. Hinge: You come to late fairy sweetness and light. Dame Hilda: That's just where you're wrong, old potato blight. Queen: Can you do anything to save our little Tailia? King: We'd not want her to grow up, you know, thinking her parents were a failure. Dame Hilda: Yes, I can save her life, so now dry your tears. But ye all must sleep for a hundred years. Both: Sleep for a hundred years? Dame Hilda: Yes, but don't you wince. Then she will be awakened by a prince. And if he'll plight with her a marriage vow You'll wake as young as you are now. Mandy: A prince? Dame Hilda: Yes, my dear. In a hundred years' time When the mists all clear This is the first voice That you shall hear Peter: Hello! Dr. Hinge: Are you sure you wouldn't rather go for the certain death option? Dame Hilda: He comes from a far off land so high and so mountainous, that all the people have snow capped peaks on their hats. Mandy: If only I could glimpse his face, then for all one hundred years I could see him in my dreams. Dame Hilda: And so you shall, my dear, so you shall. Bring in the magic mirror, Majordomo. I said, Majordomo, bring in the magic mirror. Roland: I am trying for bring in the wretched mirror, but it's trapped behind the fairy fountain. It's chaos at the back here. King: That's torn it! Queen: Ooer! He's pushed his magic mirror right through our boudoir wall. Dame Hilda: That's the trouble working with amateurs. Roland: The magic mirror madame. Dame Hilda: Well, don't stand in front of it. Stand behind it. You're the prince's Majordomo now. Roland: I told you. I play far too many Majordomo's. And I don't even have a change of hat. Dame Hilda: How dare you speak to me like that? Oh, shut up and get on with it, I should never have let you play a part in the first place. Look now in the magic mirror, Tailia, and your future husband will instantly appear. King: Is that him? Queen: That must be him. King: Good heavens! Mandy: Oh, he's gorgeous. Dr. Hinge: Well, there's no accounting for taste. Dame Hilda: You glimpsed him in the future 100 years from now, Preparing to set out To awaken you, I trow Peter: Oh, what a lovely day it is, Majordomo. Hand me my peacock feather cap, my ostrich plume cloak and my eagles wing tunic, for I must fly. I feel in my bones that something special is going to happen today. Roland: It seems very likely, sir, if you go out on those feathers, you'll probably be eaten by the cat. Peter: Roland, you're my Majordomo now you're supposed to be playing this differently. Roland: How dare you! It is different! Peter: You know your trouble Majordomo? You have no class. You think that panache is something that you rake out from a stove? You see, your problem is…
Some people dress, cos they dress when they dress But you just dress to get dressed It's only a hunch But I'll bet you a bunch You wear braces, a belt, and a vest From the tip of your toes to your head You look like an unmade bed You've either got, or you haven't, got style If you've got it, you stand out a mile A flower's not a flower, if it's wilted A hat's not a hat, till it's tilted You've either got, or you haven't got class How it draws the applause of the masses When you wear lapels like the swellest of swells You can pass any mirror and smile You've either got, or you haven't got Got all you haven't got Got all you haven't got style You've either got, or you haven't got charm Style and charm, sort of go arm in arm With mother of pearl kind of buttons You'll look like the Asters or Huttons You've either got, or you haven't got taste It's an art, so be smart and waste it Your vest must have scads Scads of wide Scottish plaids And your shoes must be real crocodile You've either got, or you haven't got Got or you haven't got Got or you haven't got style {Dame Hilda dances.} I forgot all about the dance, you see. Eat your heart out Elsie Randolph, These heels were six inches when I came on and they're getting shorter. When you wear lapels like the swellest of swells You can pass any mirror and smile You've either got, or you haven't got Got or you haven't got Got or you haven't got style
Dame Hilda: The picture fades. Now go to sleep all but have no fears It's rock-a-bye by my babies for a hundred years And now that they are all asleep I will hide them in a forest deep Grow trees, grow bushes and grow brambles Until this way a young prince rambles. Dame Hilda: That seems to have brought the show to a halt. Now ladies and gentlemen, we've got a hundred years to pass. Oh, any suggestions? No? Well, I know. How about if I sing something? Yes, I'll do the ring cycle for you then. All right. I mean, we've even got time for an encore. Or shall I pass amongst you with copies of the decline and fall of the Roman Empire? Or what about, what about a game of Scrabble? I know. I'll ask Evadne. Evadne! EVADNE!! Dr. Hinge: What? Dame Hilda: You are not supposed to be asleep. Dr. Hinge: I haven't got anything else to do. Dame Hilda: Well, come out here and do something with me, then. Dr. Hinge: Like what? Dame Hilda: Well, like, help me to while away a hundred years. Dr. Hinge: How? Dame Hilda: Well, how do you usually do it? I tell you what. We'll sing a song and we'll get all the peasants to join it. Dr. Hinge: Oh, these! Dame Hilda: It'll be a peasant surprise for them. I couldn't resist that! Dr. Hinge: You should've tried harder. You don't mean to tell me you're actually planning to sing that song you were going on about. Dame Hilda: I am. You know. I say, Mr. err, eerm thing. Dr. Hinge: Thing? Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, what's the name of that funny friend of yours, the one who's come up from London dressed like a penguin? Dr. Hinge: The gentleman's name is Gordon Langford. Dame Hilda: Oh, you know his Christian name? Dr. Hinge: Of course I do. Dame Hilda: Oh, of course. I'm sorry, Lord Longford. Will you give your boys a wee prodlet we're going to sing? Orchestra: Well, I hope you're not going to be too long about it. If we miss the 11:10, we can't get back to town tonight. We’ll be on overtime! Hooray! Dame Hilda: There you are, Evadne. You and your London fly-by-nights. What are they all buskers? Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to listen very carefully to the words of this song. Because when we've sung it, we're going to ask you to sing it with us. And the words are rather complicated. You’ve got to get your tongue round them. So I want you to pay attention, please. Right, Mr. Plankton. If you're ready.
With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah!
Dame Hilda: You see, it's quite easy, isn't it? Audience: Oh no it isn't! Dame Hilda: Oh, yes it is. Oh, yes, look, I'm... Dr. Hinge: They'll never get it, dear, never get it. Dame Hilda: Oh, you will, you've just got to make sure you don't get your tras mixed up with your lahs. Dr. Hinge: That's right. Dame Hilda: Which can be a bit of a... I tell you what we'll do. Dr. Hinge: What's that, dear? Dame Hilda: What we'll do is, I'll divide the audience up. I've been wanting to do that for months. Dr. Hinge: Easy for you, dear, certainly. Dame Hilda: I'll do this side against my will. And... Dr. Hinge: I don't know why you're wasting your time, dear. My side are obviously far more talented, willing, agreeable and musically able than yours are. Dame Hilda: Possibly the odd one. I've got more on my side anyway. Unless they're just sitting differently. Dr. Hinge: Well I've always preferred quality to quantity, Hilda, so you carry on, see what you can do. Dame Hilda: I know she wears bi focals and sees three of everything. Always goes for the one in the middle and ends up with nothing. Now I tell you. I'm going to count to 3 and just prove to this silly old crone that we can do very well on this side, all right? Mr. Dimpton, thank you, dear.
With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! {Pathetic!} lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! {Forget it!} lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! { Rubbish!} With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! {Feeble attempt!} With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah!
No question at all!. We can do better than that, come along, you can can't you. Thank you, I knew you would! What about the rest of you? Right, after 16.
With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! {Boo!} lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! {Boo!} With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! {Get off!} With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah!
Dame Hilda: Rubbish! Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, rubbish? Dame Hilda: 16 motorised pensioners. Dr. Hinge: I tell you what, Dame Hilda: Yes? Dr. Hinge: Shall we combine them and see if they can do any better. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, mix them up a bit like we did once at a matinee in Cleethorpes. They were there for two days sorting their hats out. All right, Mr. Dimwit, thank you.
lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah! With a Tra lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah!
Dr. Hinge: It felt as if it was twice as long. Dame Hilda: Oh, get off. Now, out in the woods our prince rides by With a naughty twinkle in his eye He sees an old country man and comes to a stop Enter a woodcutter. Chop, chop, chop {Bird noises.} Dame Hilda: Oh, that's quite enough. Now just get on with it will you. Roland: I'm a jolly woodcutter I live out in a wood Which being a jolly woodcutter I really suppose I should Peter: I say, fellow, I seem to be lost. Are you a woodcutter in these woods? Roland: Well, sir. I'm a woodcutter and I'm in these woods. But I'm not a woodcutter in these woods, if you see what I mean. Peter: Aha, a rustic philosopher, a chip off an old blockhead. And what prey lies beyond this wood? Roland: In truth, sir, everything lies. For folk do say that where yon towers Above yon trees do peep A beautiful princess and an entire court Are lying fast asleep. Peter: A beautiful princess, fast asleep I think I'll go and have a peep. Roland: It's said that there forever she must stay Until a king's son comes to wake and carry her away Peter: A king's son says thou? Roland: Aye, sir. A king's son. Peter: Then I'll tell you a secret, and it's a gem When it comes to king's sons I am one of them Through this deep wood I'll now stride Just one of seven brothers Going to get a bride Roland: Oh, the weather breaks. So hail and farewell. Dr. Hinge: Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! No prince, stand still You shall not pass its way Forever as in death The princess Tailia must stay Dame Hilda: Take no notice of the crone. Stride on your bride to seek For the power of good grows stronger As the power of evil grows weak Go forward. Dr. Hinge: Come back! Dame Hilda: Go forward. Dr. Hinge: Come back! Dame Hilda: Ahead of you see The thicket opens as do the branches rank But hurry, for they'll close at three Just like the Stackton bank Peter: I'm going ahead. I must go ahead. Dame Hilda: Aha! Fairy gloom and doom. The prince is on his way My magic is now stronger than yours And that you cannot gain say Dr. Hinge: Rubbish! Dame Hilda: What do you mean rubbish?
Anything you can do, I can do better I can do anything better than you No you can't Yes, I can No you can't Yes, I can No you can't Yes, I can, Yes, I can
Anything you can be, I can be greater Sooner or later, I'm greater than you No you're not Yes, I am Oh no you're not Yes, I am Oh no you're not Yes, I am Yes, I am Oh no you're not Oh, yes, I am Oh no you're not Oh. yes, I am Any note you can hold I can hold longer I can hold any note longer than you No, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't Both: Yes, I can
Dame Hilda: And so the prince got through the wood And found his princess as he properly should To the palace we fly lest we should miss Him waking his sleeping beauty with a kiss Peter: Ah, there she lies, and what a creature Divine in form, divine in feature I kneel. Or would if my tights weren't too tight I bend, but I still can't reach her quite I wonder, would thou help me miss Prithee, sit up, lass, I'll give thee a kiss Mandy: I can't sit up P you're leaning on my sleeve! Peter: Sorry! She comes towards me, oh the sweet Now at last our lips can meet Mandy: Ah, was that you my prince, my lips who pressed? Peter: She wakes, she speaks, and I am doubly blessed. You're not offended? Mandy: Not at all, aren't you the gentleman they said would call Peter: Hello. Mandy: Hello. Dame Hilda: Ahhhh, Dr. Hinge: yuck! Dame Hilda: Why, look now, everyone's waking up. {Alarm clock rings!} King: Oh, strike me, it's already morning. Queen: He sleeps for a century and he wakes up yawning. King: It looks a very nice day to me. Queen: Yes, and it's your turn to make the tea. King: Come on now, mother, hop out of bed. Our daughter's waiting to be wed. Queen: What, today it isn't fair, I haven't got a thing to wear. King: We've got our crowns and robes of Ermine. Queen: They might have been eaten by the vermin. King: Don't be silly, dear. The mice and rats have been asleep just like the cats. Queen: And what I wonder about the dogs? King: I dare say they all slept like logs. Maud: Woof, woof. King: There see, what did I tell you? There's a pup, obviously just waking up. Queen: Oh, Xie, there's just one thing more. What is the name of our future son-in-law? King: Y, dear? Queen: Oh, excellent. King: Well, you said it. Dame Hilda: And the king and the queen grew steadily dafter. but they all lived happily ever after.
Listen here, people, dear, though this life is rather trying Life is short, be a sport, while the precious hours are flying Wear a smile, all the while Make a bluff, that's the stuff What's the good of worrying Make the best of what you've got Live for all you're worth, while you are on this earth For when tomorrow comes, oh who can tell Although maybe be heaven It may be quite another climate Everybody knows How fortune comes and goes So you make hay while the sun shines And then you don't care if it snows
Dr. Hinge: Take it away, your Majesty. Dame Hilda: Come on, Maj! { King tap dances!}
Everybody knows How fortune comes and goes So you make hay while the sun shines And then you don't care if it snows
Dame Hilda: Right now, very good. But I want to see everybody in the coffee bar in ten minutes. I do have a few notes for you. {Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: According to my diary, Evadne, you dozed off while I was giving those notes. Dr. Hinge: I'm, not surprised, you took about four hours. Dame Hilda: I took two and a half. It's all here in my diary. Still, it was a jolly evening, wasn't it? Dr. Hinge: Yes, everyone certainly seemed to enjoy themselves. Dame Hilda: Yes. Perhaps we should think about doing another pantomime next Christmas. Dr. Hinge: Oh, let's just get this Christmas over first, Hilda, it'll be nice to have a quiet one for a change. Dame Hilda: Yes, you're right. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll pour us both a glass of sherry, shall I? Dame Hilda: Good idea. It's almost midnight anyway. We may as well see it in. Why don't you play that song you were tinkling earlier on? I always think that it sounds so terribly Christmassy. Dr. Hinge: With a title like 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' It could hardly sound anything else, could it?
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Let your heart be light Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Make the Yuletide gay Next year, all our troubles will be miles away Once again, as in olden days, happy golden days of yore Faithful friends who are dear to us, will be near to us once more Some day soon, we all will be together if the fates allow Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow So have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, now
Dame Hilda: Happy Christmas, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Happy Christmas to you too, dear. Dame Hilda: Bless you, dear. Thank you, you're not a bad old stick, are you? Dr. Hinge: Not after all, no. Dame Hilda: And to you at home, a very happy Christmas. Dr. Hinge: And a prosperous and a healthy new year. Dame Hilda: Yes. Bye-bye
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
