{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne, this fire's out.

Dr. Hinge: Are you sure?

Dame Hilda: Well, what does it look like to you?

Dr. Hinge: Looks as though it's out.

Dame Hilda: There you are then.

Dr. Hinge: What has Maud done to it?

Dame Hilda: Oh, she's obviously banked it up, dear, just before she went out so it would still be in when we got back.

Dr. Hinge: Only it isn't, is it?

Dame Hilda: No, it isn't.

Dr. Hinge: Wouldn't you think that stupid woman would have learned by now how to bank up a fire? I mean, she's tipped enough damp slack on that to extinguish a blast furnace. I'll give it a bit of a rake, shall I? You never know there may be a spark of life somewhere underneath.

Dame Hilda: It looks awfully dead to me. And if it isn't, it will be by the time you’ve finished with it. Do stop it, Evadne. You have to coax them, dear, a fire is a living thing.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you want to coax it, you coax it. Here, you'll need the poker!

Dame Hilda: There's no need to get huffy. How would you feel if somebody found you at deaths door? And instead of giving you the kiss of life they started prodding you with a poker.

Dr. Hinge: It's about what I'd expect.

Dame Hilda: Probably what you'd get as well, it’d have to be a brave soul who’d give you the kiss of life. You'd probably come round and stun them with your handbag. Well, that's why you keep that horseshoe in it, isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: You do waffle on, don't you?

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne, it shows how cold it is in here I can see my breath.

Dr. Hinge: Well, perhaps you wouldn't be able to if you didn't talk so much. Anyway, for all your rudeness, I don't seem to have done that fire much harm. I think I can see a wee bit of red.

Dame Hilda: Where?

Dr. Hinge: There

Dame Hilda: What, that?

Dr. Hinge: It's a bit of red, isn't it?

Dame Hilda: Well, it is, but it's an old sweet paper.

Dr. Hinge: There, then, ah, what's that? definitely a glow.

Dame Hilda: I think you're right. Yes, it is.

Dr. Hinge: There you are then a triumph for poker power.

Dame Hilda: But now we really do have to coax it. Here, use the bellows, dear.

Dr. Hinge: What those old things?

Dame Hilda: Oh, just look who's talking. Now gently, dear, gently, you're not pumping the organ at the chapel royal. And we don't want coal dust all over the carpet. Well, you're going to have to put a bit more effort into it than that.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, honestly.

Dame Hilda: Go on, Evadne, You're not making the slightest bit of difference.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, these things are useless. They're full of holes, most of the airs going straight into my face.

Dame Hilda: Yes, that's looking nice and red.

Dr. Hinge: It comes out practically everywhere except for it's meant to.

Dame Hilda: Well, those bellows are antiques, dear, they're not meant to be used.

Dr. Hinge: Then why suggest using them?

Dame Hilda: Well, I wouldn't have done had we had a more modern pair. But after all, dear, this is not a blacksmith shop. I tell you what, we'll have to try the old paper and puff trick. I'll hold a sheet of paper up and you get down and puff. Pass me the newspaper, will you?

Dr. Hinge: Why in heaven's name couldn't Maud have waited in until we got back?

Dame Hilda: You know very well, dear. She had to be at the doctors for 10:30. That face of hers looked rather nasty.

Dr. Hinge: I've never known it when it didn't.

Dame Hilda: You can be so uncharitable, Evadne. Those cold sores can be very uncomfortable, and you should know. She's lucky she doesn't get them where you do. I've got the sheet of paper, so get down in your hands and knees and blow.

Dr. Hinge: I'll kill that woman when she gets back.

Dame Hilda: If you don't get down in your hands and knees and start blowing, we'll probably be frozen solid when she gets back.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you might be standing about doing nothing. But I shan't, I'm already as warm as toast.

Dame Hilda: Well, there you are then. What you're grizzling about? Now, start blowing.

{Gentle blowing.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: What now?

Dame Hilda: You sound like Dr. Doolittle arguing with a camel. It wants a long, gentle draft, dear. You take a deep, deep breath, and then you let it out slowly, steady stream, like this.

{Long blowing.}

Dr. Hinge: Have you finished?

Dame Hilda:  Yes, that's the lot.

Dr. Hinge: Thank goodness for that. You must have lungs like lilos.

Dame Hilda: My training, dear, it's the basic requirement of a good singer, large lungs. Now, it's your turn, dear, of course, I do realise that it's not quite so easy when one's musical education has been limited to the piano and banjo.

Dr. Hinge: Oh do shut up, Hilda..

Dame Hilda: Right, now, just do as I say, take a deep, deep breath. And hold it while I get this newspaper right. Now, hold it in there. Hold it, hold it. Not yet, dear. No. No, just a tiny bit longer, dear, hold it, we’re nearly ready.

Dr. Hinge: HILDA!!!!

Dame Hilda:  Oh, Evadne, you've let it all go. And you really can't afford to waste it, you know, not at your age. Oh, but I think you might have done the trick. I think I can see a flicker, yes, and I think I can hear flames.

Dr. Hinge: I'm not surprised, the bottom of your newspaper’s alight.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, quick, quick, give me some water, dear, grab that vase.

Dr. Hinge: Let it go. Hilda, just let it go.

Dame Hilda: Oh, heaven's, it's shot right up the chimney. I do hope it doesn't land in somebody's garden? Thank goodness I used the Times. Still, I think the fire's going now, yes. Oh, we're all right, have a look in the scuttle, dear, and see if you can find some nice small lumps of coal.

Dr. Hinge: The scuttle's empty.

Dame Hilda: What?

Dr. Hinge: Well, the only thing in here, apart from coal dust, is a note scrawled in Maud's fair hand.

Dame Hilda: A note in the coal scuttle. What does it say?

Dr. Hinge: No coal.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, that's brief and to the point.

Dr. Hinge: She must have thought we wouldn't notice. I'd better fetch the stand by bucket from outside the garden door.

Dame Hilda:  It's handy having that stand by bucket out there, isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: It would be even a handier if it had coal in it.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's not empty as well.

Dr. Hinge: Apart from another note reading, no coal.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, then I'm afraid it looks like a trip to the coal shed for you, dear.

Dr. Hinge: No point. I can see from here the note pinned to the door.

Dame Hilda: Don't tell me,

Both: No coal!

Dame Hilda: How does it happen?

Dr. Hinge: It happens because Maud never thinks to tell us when we're getting low, that's how. Shall I make briquettes?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear, not again, we had those for lunch yesterday.

Dr. Hinge: Coal briquettes, Hilda!

Dame Hilda: Certainly not. The last time you made coal briquettes, this room was so full of smoke, we could have charged people to hang their haddocks in it. No, Evadne, it’s lumps or nothing. I'm going to get straight onto that coal merchant of ours, errm... what's his number?

Dr. Hinge: It’s in the address book under coal merchant?

Dame Hilda: Can't life sometimes be blissfully simple.

Dr. Hinge: When I organise it, yes.

Dame Hilda: Ah, here it is. It's Stackton in 462. You know, I'm sure the coal doesn't go anything like as far as it used to. Not since we've had this new coalman. I wouldn't be surprised if he was diddling us. Oh it’s ringing? Oh, no, it's one of those awful answering machines. Hello! This is Dame Hilda Bracket speaking from the old manse.

Dr. Hinge: Did it say it was hard of hearing?

Dame Hilda: It told me to speak clearly Evadne and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'd speak normally if I were you, Hilda, we don't want them thinking you're half-witted, do we?

Dame Hilda: Oh very well, Hello? Hello! Are you still there? Oh I do hate these things? They're so sullen. I would like to order a ton of coal. And I do mean a ton, and I want it today, and as soon as possible, I share this house with a very old lady. Goodbye! No, offence, dear. But one has to use all means. Mind, I expect Maud bring a bag or two of that pre-packed coal back with her, just to tide us over.

Dr. Hinge: If she had any decency, she'd bring half a hundred weight. I mean, she could borrow a supermarket trolley or steal some child's toboggan.

Dame Hilda: Just because those children in the park nearly ran you down, and it was your own fault, you shouldn't have knocked the head off their snowman.

Dr. Hinge: How was I supposed to know they were up on the rise watching. Nasty, suspicious little brats? Now, what are we going to do while we're waiting for someone to arrive with coal?

Dame Hilda: Well, we can either put our overcoats back on and go for a run, or we can sing a lively song, so that you can stamp your feet and I can jump up and down.

Dr. Hinge: I'll settle for the song. What do you want? Knees up, Mother Brown.

Dame Hilda:  No, I do not. I would like something with a modicum of dignity. Here, I say, what about this one? To remind us of the park, it's called ‘Keep Off the Grass’ Now, that's really what you should have shouted at those children with toboggans.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, come along, do let’s sing. I'm beginning to lose all feeling in my extremities.

Dame Hilda:  I say, that sounds rather nasty. Especially as you never have much anywhere else! right, dear, thump away!.

When the children go to play in summertime

They will frolic all the day

The trees they'll climb

Round the garden they will race

With joyful cheers

Till the gardener gives chase

And pulls their ears

Hi, little boys, hi, little boys, hi, take care now

Keep off the grass, keep off the grass

Conduct like this I won’t pardon

Play at your ease

But if you please

keep off the grass in the garden

Keep off the grass, keep off the grass

Conduct like this I won’t pardon

Play at your ease but if you please

Keep off the grass in the garden

Now it's very much the same when boys grow up

But they play their racing game for plate or cup

On the turf they love to meet

And bet so high

Till the certainty gets beat

And then goodbye

Hi little boys, hi little boys, hi, take care now

Keep off the grass, keep off the grass

Conduct like this I won’t pardon

Play at your ease

But if you please

Keep off the grass in the garden

Keep off the grass, keep off the grass

Plunging your pocket won’t harden

Bet when you’re cool

But as a rule

Keep off the grass in the garden.

Dame Hilda: Well, that seems to have got the blood circulating again.

Dr. Hinge: Let's hope it hasn't sent it all rushing to your head.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that'll be Maud, now.

Dr. Hinge: Maud? Have you got any coal with you?

Maud: As a matter of fact, I ‘ave Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Thank goodness for that.

Dame Hilda: You see, Evadne, she's not so daft.

Maud: ‘ere you are, Doctor, in me ‘and bag. There, one lump o’ coal with the coalman's compliments.

Dr. Hinge: One lump? Is that all?

Maud: Well, I ran off afore ‘e could chuck another at me.

Dame Hilda: Oh, so you have seen the coalman then, have you Maud?

Maud:  Seen ‘im? I should say I ‘ave seen ‘im. I'm sick and tired of seeing ‘im, and ‘e's getting pretty sick of seeing me an’all.

Dr. Hinge: That's not hard to understand.

Maud: See, I pops in to see ‘im on me way to the Doctors and I catches ‘im just as he's pulling out of ‘is yard. So I leaps out in front of ‘is lorry, and I sticks me ‘ands up, and I shouts, stop!

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I do wish you wouldn't do things like that, Maud. He might have knocked you down.

Dr. Hinge: Must have been a great temptation.

Dame Hilda: Still, I see you're all right there. So he obviously stopped. Or did you just jump out of the way?

Maud:  Oh, ‘e stopped all right, Dame ‘ilda. You should ‘ave seed ‘im judder to an ‘alt. Well, you know ‘ow sharp it were when I tell you, as ‘alf ‘is load shot straight offa the back. So I thought I'd best let ‘im cool down a bit, afore I suggested very ‘umbly like, that seeing as ‘e were ‘aving to reload, ‘e might like to load a ton for us.

Dame Hilda: And how did he take that suggestion?

Maud:  None too ‘appily, I'm afraid, though I couldn't tell you precisely what ‘e said. Cos being a lady, I put me ‘ands over me ears.

Dr. Hinge: Might be more sensible if you’d put them over your mouth.

Dame Hilda:  Evadne! Carry on, Maud?

Maud: Well, when I'd done with the coalman, I popped along to see the Doctor. But I were too late for ‘im, ‘e'd gone. So I popped back to the coal yard to see if the coalman ‘ad, and ‘e ‘adn't, still shovelling, ‘e were. And ‘e weren't ‘alf rude when I asked ‘im for a lift, chases me off, ‘e did, tried to set ‘is dog on me. But I chucked it the bit o’ liver I’d bought for my Arthur and I got over the railway siding.

Dr. Hinge: And where do you think our coal might be now, then, Maud.

Maud: It's just a few doors down the road ‘ear, Doctor. Well, it were when I came by, it were when I tell ‘im to get to move on with it, as ‘e chucks that lump o’ coal at me.

Dame Hilda: Well, I suppose it'll pay for the liver. You'd better pop it back in your bag and take it to home to Arthur. And you didn't see the Doctor after all, then, Maud?

Maud: No, Dame ‘ilda, I didn't.

Dame Hilda: Yet your face looks so much better than it did?

Maud: Well, you can't beat fresh air and exercise. And I've already ‘ad plenty of both this morning, being chased about by that coalman.

Dame Hilda: You know, next time you get your cold sores, Evadne, I think I'll ask him to chase you. Mind you, I'd probably have to slip him a fiver.

Dr. Hinge: Ah, talk of the devil, that's the coalman coming up the drive now. If I were you, I'd run again, Maud, he's got his dog in the cab with him.

Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, just before you go, dear, I rather fancy this new man's been diddling us, dear. So I think this time we'd better count the bags into the shed, all three of us. Then we'll have three independent witnesses. So if I watch from the garden door, Evadne you can watch from the front window, and Maud, you can watch from the kitchen window, dear. Only, don't make it obvious that we're watching, we don't want him to know, try to make it look as though you're working.

Dr. Hinge: Do you think you're able to manage that Maud without too much strain?

Maud: You just jolly well bet I will, Doctor. There’s nothing I’d like better than to catch that man diddling.

Coalman: Coal!

Dame Hilda:  Oh! Right, action stations, everybody.

Coalman: I've got a ton of coal here, Missus, where do you want it?

Dame Hilda: Would the coal shed be asking too much?

Coalman: You can ‘ave it in your back bedroom if you like. Just don't ask me to carry it up. Cor, you don't ‘alf get through this stuff, don't yer?

Dr. Hinge: That's just what we were thinking.

Coalman: What do you do with it, then, eat it for breakfast?

Dr. Hinge: We can't afford to, the price it is these days.

Dame Hilda: No, the Doctor has to get her roughage at the pet shop now, don't you, dear? And we still wonder where all that coal goes?

Coalman: Cos you ain't got a lock on your coal shed, ‘ave you? Probably find you're ‘eating ‘alf the ‘ouses in the area. And then there's that woman you've got, she's probably got ‘er ‘ands in it an’all.

Dame Hilda: And what makes you think that?

Coalman: Have you seen her finger nails? I darn near a run ‘er over this morning. Next time I will. So if I was you, I'd order your coal yourself in future.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that reminds me. There's a message on that machine of yours.

Coalman: Not from ‘er?

Dame Hilda: No, dear, no, from me, but you can ignore it.

Coalman: I probably would ‘ave done anyway. I never seem to get time to sit down and listen to that darn thing. Well, not during the winter anyway. Well, I err... I suppose I'd better start moving it then.

Dr. Hinge: We were wondering when you were going to.

Coalman:  Right, right. See you later.

Dame Hilda:  Right, Evadne? Now, can you see him fetching them off the cart?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I can.

Dame Hilda: Good. Well, I'll see him round as far as the rockery And, Maud, you should be able to see him into the shed. So, we've got him covered.

Dr. Hinge: Here comes the first one, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Maud, are you ready, dear?

Maud: Ready, Dame ‘ilda,

Dame Hilda: Well, here comes the first one. Where is he now, Evadne? I can't see him.

Dr. Hinge: Well, had you been looking out of your window instead of shouting at Maud, you would have done. He's just gone past you. Now, I suggest we all concentrate on watching our windows and counting sacks in total silence.

Dame Hilda: Right, then. Oh, look! He's dropped a lump. A large lump. He'll probably pick that up on his way back and hide it on his cart somewhere. But just supposing he does that every time, how much would that add up to?

Dr. Hinge: Well, at a quick calculation, I'd say 20 lumps. Now, will you concentrate?

Dame Hilda: I am concentrating, Evadne. But I'm going to nip out and pick that lump up. He needn't think he's putting one over on me.

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: That's the lot, Hilda. He's driving away.

Dame Hilda:  There you are, then. What did I tell you? He's diddling us, 19 sacks, right?

Dr. Hinge: No, 20.

Dame Hilda: What? I only counted 19.

Dr. Hinge: I counted 20.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, that's why it was such a good idea of mine to have the three of us doing it.

Maud: I say, Dame ‘ilda, is that man gone?

Dame Hilda: Yes, he has, Maud, dear. And how many did you make it?

Maud: 16.

Dr. Hinge: 16?

Dame Hilda: Oh, Yes, 16 does seem a little low.

Dr. Hinge: Low, It puts that coal man in the great train robber class.

Maud:  Well, I'd not really like to ‘ave to swear to it, Dame ‘ilda. I was so busy trying to make meself look busy that I suppose I might ‘ave missed a sack or two.

Dr. Hinge: So, where does that leave us, then, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: It leaves us one sack short, dear, that's where?

Dr. Hinge: It does no such thing, he definitely left us 20 sacks.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, it's two to one against.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, and of those two, one can't concentrate and the other one can't count.

Maud: Still looking on the bright side, however much we ‘aven't got at least we ‘ave got some. So I'll get that fire going, now, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda:  No, no, no, no one is to touch a lump. Not until we've weighed it.

Dr. Hinge: Weighed what? Hilda.

Dame Hilda:  The coal, of course, the delivery. Well, how else are we going to find out if it's short?

Dr. Hinge: And what are you proposing to weigh it with?

Dame Hilda: We've got scales, haven't we?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, how are we going to weigh a ton of coal on kitchen scales that only go up to 10 pounds?

Dame Hilda:  I would have thought that was obvious, dear, in very small amounts.

Maud: There's a lovely big weighing machine down at the chemist's Dame ‘ilda. Why don't we take it down there? There’s ‘eaps of plastic carrier bags out in the kitchen drawer.

Dr. Hinge: It's like living in an asylum, it really is.

Dame Hilda: Well, what do you suggest we do, then, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: I suggest you accept my word that that Coalman left 20 bags.

Maud: Oh, look, Dame ‘ilda, ‘e’s back.

Dame Hilda: Oh, and what can he want, I wonder? Yes?

Coalman: Pardon me, but did any of you ladies ‘appen to notice ‘ow many bags I dropped off ‘ere just now?

Dame Hilda: Why? should we have done?

Coalman: I just thought perhaps you might ‘ave, seeing as all three of you was stood at the window countin’.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, well, seeing that you've realised and granting that it could have been an oversight we'll say nothing further about it. We don't want to make a fuss.

Coalman: I should jolly well think you don't. You'd ‘ave been doing all right out of it, if I ‘adn't come back, wouldn't you?

Dr. Hinge: What is the man talking about?

Maud: I told you ‘e were funny Doctor. I don't think ‘e's quite all there.

Coalman: Now, just a minute. I dropped 21 bags of coal off ‘ere just now.

Dr. Hinge: You dropped 20.

Dame Hilda: He dropped 19.

Maud: Well, I know my opinion don't count for much, but I only saw 16.

Dame Hilda: Maud, you’re not helping, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Does she ever?

Coalman: I don't know why you don't get shot of ‘er.

Dame Hilda: When we want your opinion, we'll ask for it. Now, what do you intend to do about our bag of coal?

Coalman: Will you just listen to me. Look, when I set out this morning, I had 80 bags on that wagon, I dropped 20 off at number 2, 10 off at number 11, 5 at number 23, another 5 at 31. Your lot ‘ere, and when I got to the last drop after you, I'd only got 19 on. Now, I should have had 20.

Dr. Hinge: And what makes you think you dropped the missing one here?

Coalman: Because this is the only ‘ouse in the entire road where I was thrown into total confusion. Everybody's shouting at me. You dropped a lump ‘ere, you dropped to lump there. Watch where you're walking, mind the snow drops, break the ice in the bird bath while you're passing. Blimey, you've even confused yourselves.

Dame Hilda: There's no need to get hysterical.

Maud: ‘e was just as excitable this morning, Dame ‘ilda, when I asked ‘im for nice clean lumps.

Dame Hilda: Well, there is a very simple way out of this dilemma. Now, Coalman, you must have a lot of empty bags on your cart at the moment.

Coalman: What if I have?

Dame Hilda: Well, I suggest you pop out and fetch a pile in. And we'll take them into our coal shed and see how many you can fill. And I'll lay you a pound to a penny in it, it’ll only be 19.

Coalman: I am doing no such thing. And furthermore, I am not moving my coal cart out of your drive until I get my bag back.

Dr. Hinge: I tell you what!

Dame Hilda: What, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Why don't we pop out and buy an electric fire? Then he can take all his bags back.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor