The Drop Out.

Dame Hilda:  Many people seem to think that because Evadne and I live in a small country place like Stackton Tressel we are able to pursue our interests free from distraction and interruption. But alas, this is not so. It's really a surprising how many times a day we are disturbed by people hammering on the front door. Starts with the postman. You know, he knocks every morning to tell us that he's got his knuckles caught in the letter box. Then the other morning there was a young man knocked just to tell us that the world was going to end on Thursday. And I said to Evadne, well if it's got to happen it may as well be on a Thursday you know, half day closing anyway. And he'd no sooner gone than a man from the water board arrived looking for a leak. And you could tell by his expression that he thought we had one and weren't letting on. He got terribly angry because Evadne she'd let her creeping Jenny creep all over the storm drain and our stopcock well, I mean it wasn't where he thought it should’ve have been. Ah, me, so it goes on. But a week or two ago we had a very distracting distraction. It all began about eleven o'clock in the morning. It was on the Wednesday while Evadne was in the drawing room running over one of our favourite pieces, you see. 

Dr. Hinge:

On a tree by a river a little tomtit, sang willow, tit willow, tit willow.

{pigeon cooing!}

And I said to him, dicky bird why do you sit? Singing willow, tit willow, tit willow.

{pigeon cooing!}

Dame Hilda: Evadne is that you making that extraordinary noise and I'm not being funny about your singing, dear? 

Dr. Hinge: It's not me, Hilda, it's that pigeon sitting outside there on the window sill. 

Dame Hilda: Pigeon? Oh I see, well I never. Hello, birdie. Coo! coo! coo!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't you start. it’s bad enough having to put upwith a pigeon.

Dame Hilda: Oh it's a lovely bird, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: It's a very rude bird. 

Dame Hilda: Well pigeons do tend to be a bit on the rude side, dear. That's why they're so unpopular with local councils.

Dr. Hinge: Every time I start to play that thing taps the glass with its beak and coos, 

Dame Hilda: It’s what they call getting the bird dear.

Dr. Hinge: I must say I was rather hoping it would have gone before you got going on the bird jokes.

Dame Hilda: You mustn't let it ruffle your feathers, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Just get rid of it will you, Hilda. 

Dame Hilda: What do you want me to do, dear? Shoot it?

Dr. Hinge: just shoo it away. 

Dame Hilda: Very well if that's what you want. Shoo, shoo. Go on you silly bird, fly off. No it's no good, Evadne. It's just sitting staring at me through the glass as if I'm stark raving mad. 

Dr. Hinge: It's hardly surprising, dear. That is rather the impression you're giving. You must be more aggressive, Hilda. Frighten it! 

Dame Hilda: Evadne. I am not in the habit of frightening birds. I have a bird bath on the lawn and half a coconut hanging from the rose arch for my tits. I suppose I could try holding one of the cats up to the window. 

Dr. Hinge: Which one, dear? the short-sighted one, the bone idle one or the one that's frightened of feathers. No, just open the window, dear and it'll fly away. 

Dame Hilda: Oh very well. No one shall say that I haven't done my best to humour you. There, It's open. 

Dr. Hinge: Well has it done the trick? 

Dame Hilda: It has, it's done it all right, it's walked straight in!

Dr. Hinge: Quick, quick, pick it up and throw it out again!

Dame Hilda: Do lower your voice, Evadne!  Suppose someone from the RSPCA were to hear you. 

Dr. Hinge: They can fly, you know, Hilda. 

Dame Hilda: Do you know, dear? The way this bird's looking at you, I think it knows you.

Dr. Hinge: Oh don't be so utterly ridiculous. 

Dame Hilda: It's not so ridiculous, dear? It's probably seen you going in and out of the town hall while it's been sitting up there on the roof. Because they're not stupid you know. People use them for carrying messages. They must be able to remember things.

Dr. Hinge: I think you’ll find the idea is to tie the messages to their legs, Hilda. They don't actually memorise them. 

Dame Hilda: No, but they have to remember where they're going with them. I mean it wouldn't be any good sending a message that didn't get where it was going. You could rely on the post office for that. Oh look at him sitting on that bust of Bizet. He's treating it like a pull-up for Carmen. Ha ha!  

Dr. Hinge: You what, dear?

Dame Hilda: Never mind. He looks a bit sleepy there. I think he's dozing off. He's probably exhausted himself. He's not had a morning like this before, you know, have you? You've not had a morning like this before, have you? Everybody waving and shouting at you. Coo, coo, coo!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I think I could possibly put up with the pigeon. But I really am not going to be able to cope with you going on like that.

Dame Hilda: Well I was only being sociable dear, birdie talk. I tell you what. Let's sing the Tit Willow song all the way through for him and see what he does.

Dr. Hinge: Don't you think that would be tempting providence, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Would you like to hear your Auntie Evadne sing a little?

Dr. Hinge: Alright, Hilda, dear, alright. Stop that and we'll do the song instead.

Dame Hilda: Well, what do you know Evadne that bird’s dropped right off.

Dr. Hinge: I'm glad, I think I like it better asleep. 

Dame Hilda: Oh that sounds like Maud. Oh and I see she's got Tom with her, How nice.

Maud: I wish I'd never come with ‘im!

Tom: I wish you'd never come with me an’ all.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, sounds like they’re really enjoying each other's company?

Maud: Good morning, Dame ‘ilda, Doctor. 

Tom: Morning ladies. 

Dame Hilda: Morning, Maud. Hello Tom dear!

Dr. Hinge: Good morning.

Dame Hilda: I say what's that you've got in your hand, Maud?

Maud: It's a bone of contention.

Tom: It's the door ‘andle off my car.

Maud: It fell off, and I caught it.

Dr. Hinge: How very adroit of you, Maud.

Tom: Well go on, Ma. Tell ‘em the rest. 

Dr. Hinge: I thought it couldn't be as simple as all that.

Maud: You see I put me ‘and on the ‘andle to open the door, and the ‘andle came off and the door fell out. And I ‘ung on to the ‘andle.

Dame Hilda: That sounds like great presence of mind dear. 

Maud: And ‘e blames me. But we all know British workmanship. The bottom should never have fell out like that!

Tom: It wouldn't ‘ave done if you'd not been jumping about where you shouldn't ‘ave been.

Maud: And where was I supposed to be then once that seat ‘ad broke?

Tom: The seat wouldn't ‘ave broke if you'd not thrown yourself back on it so sudden. 

Maud: I didn't throw myself back on it. I got throwed when it ‘it the fence. And you can't blame me for that, my lad, because you ‘ad an ‘and on the steering wheel as well as me.

Dame Hilda: So you hit a fence, did you? Well lucky you weren't hurt. And I do hope the people weren't too angry about it.

Maud: Well as I said to Tom, I said, it's a blessing as it ‘appened where it did, Dame ‘ilda. 

Dr. Hinge: Oh yes. And where exactly did it happen, Maud? 

Maud: You've no call to look at me like that, Doctor. It ‘appened at ‘ome. 

Dame Hilda: Well you hadn't got very far then, had you?

Tom: About 50 yards. When she suddenly threw it into reverse. gawd knows ‘ow she did it. I was supposed to be driving.

Maud: Well’ there's nowhere for a proper sized person to put their selves these days. 

Dame Hilda: And you've still got the door handle in your hand here after all that. 

Maud: You know, it's funny the things we ‘angs on to in times ofcrisis. Like old Mr. Glanville, when ‘e were bombed in the war. When they dug ‘im out of the rubble after 11 hours, ‘e still ‘ad ‘is rhubarb in ‘is ‘and. 

Dame Hilda: Old Mr. Glanville, the school caretaker? I didn't know he'd been bombed, I thought he'd always looked like that.

Maud: ‘e were in Dulwich during the doodle bugging. And ‘ad just got in off ‘is allotment one dinner time when ‘itler struck. Yet ‘e never let go ‘is rhubarb.

Tom: Well, I suppose we've all got to have something to ‘ang on to.

Dr. Hinge: What an extraordinary morning you've had.

Maud: Well, I felt such a fool sitting on the bus with this ‘andle in me ‘and. The conductor said to me, it must have been a nasty accident if that's all you got left of the car.  No real ‘arm done, eh?

Tom: Except to poor dad.

Dame Hilda:: Oh your father was in the car with you was he? 

Maud: No. Arthur was right behind the fence when we ‘it it. 

Dr. Hinge: Your father's alright I hope, Tom.

Tom: Well ‘e's not ‘urt Doctor, but ‘e's covered in creosote.

Maud: Typical of that man. I've been trying to get ‘im to do that fence for two and a ‘alf years. And ‘e ‘as to choose the very morning we back into it.

Dame Hilda: Well I expect you’re a bit shaken Maud, dear. Now why don't you sit down for a minute or two and I'll make us all a nice cup of tea. 

Maud: Oh, that's very kind of you, Dame ‘ilda. But I'll not give no one the opportunity to say I neglected me duties. I'll make us all a nice cup of tea.

Dame Hilda: Well, just as you wish dear.

Tom: I'm afraid ma’s rather upset my plans for this morning. You see I was going to suggest that I run you two ladies down to the music emporium. All the building work's done there now and we need a few decisions about the decorating.

Dr. Hinge: Oh good Tom. Now I've got one or two ideas about that. 

Dame Hilda: And I've got one or two ideas about it as well, Evadne! 

Dr. Hinge: Then we shall have to talk about it. Won't we dear?

Dame Hilda: Yes we will. I do think the decor is most terribly important.

Dr. Hinge: I quite agree with you. 

Dame Hilda: I mean it's terribly important that it's right.

Dr. Hinge: I couldn't agree more Hilda. 

Dame Hilda: I mean really right. 

Dr. Hinge: I know exactly what you mean, Hilda. You mean the way you want it. 

Dame Hilda: Well, You must admit dear that is usually right.

Dr. Hinge: That is a matter of opinion.

Dame Hilda: Well, not really dear. It's a matter of natural good taste and a certain flair. But I don't want to argue about it now, not in front of Tom

Tom: Don’t mind me ladies, ‘ere. Did that thing sitting on that bust over there just move? 

Dame Hilda: I don’t know dear, did it? I wasn’t really looking to tell you the truth? 

Tom: What is it? 

Dr. Hinge: One surely doesn't need to be an ornithologist Tom to recognise that as a pigeon. 

Tom: Is it alive?

Dr. Hinge: If it were dead dear it would have rolled over by now and fallen off.

Tom: No, no, I mean I saw it when I first come in. But I thought it must ‘ave been stuffed.

Dame Hilda: Evadne wishes it was, don’t you dear?

Tom: What's it doing in ‘ere?

Dame Hilda: She wishes she knew that as well, don’t you dear?

Dr. Hinge: It came down in the garden Tom and Hilda had to let the blessed thing in. 

Tom: Well, it's got a ring on you know. 

Dame Hilda: Wedding or engagement, dear? Ha ha!

Dr. Hinge: She's been like this all morning. Bird-brained.

Dame Hilda: Oh I know perfectly well what a ring is, Evadne. Of course I do.

Tom: No, that's a racing bird. It'll have got lost or tired. Something like that.

Dame Hilda: There you are, Evadne. Poor lost, tired little bird. And you wanted me to throw it out of the window you brute.

Tom: I'll get its number off that ring and we can find out who it belongs to.

Dame Hilda: Mind the harp, Tom.

Tom: { crash!} Sorry!

Dr. Hinge: It's alright, Tom. We all do it dear. Even Hilda although she flatly refuses to admit it. 

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I have never once bumped into that harp since it's been in this room. And even if I had it would be your fault. Because you made me bring it in here out of the hall and I never bumped into it when it was in the hall. 

Dr. Hinge: That thing is in the way in here.

Dame Hilda: You said it was in the way out there. 

Dr. Hinge: It was in the way out there. It is also in the way in here. 

Dame Hilda: Then where can I put it where it won't be in the way? 

Dr. Hinge: I told you, at the emporium.

Dame Hilda: But I don't want it at the emporium, Evadne. I want it here!

Dr. Hinge: Then put it in your bedroom dear. 

Dame Hilda: In my bedroom? oh don’t be so unreasonable it would be in the way in there. You just listen dear. I'm beginning to master it.{glissando!} Oh, blast. I've broken another finger nail.

{Pigeon coos!}

Dr. Hinge: Now look what you've done. You've woken that thing up as well. 

Dame Hilda: That wasn't me that woke him, dear. That was Tom taking his number. 

Tom: Probably thought that I was a traffic warden.

Dame Hilda: Have you got it all right, dear? 

Tom: Yep. Now if I can use your phone I'll go and ring, No pun intended. 

Ladies: Non taken, dear!

Tom: The Royal Pigeon Racing Association for you. 

Dame Hilda: Royal, dear?

Tom: Oh it is now, yes.

Dame Hilda: I didn’t know the Queen went in for that sort of thing, did you, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: No, it won't be her. No, if it's any of them it will be the Queen Mother.

Tom:  Well I'll give ‘em this number.

Dame Hilda: What our phone number, dear?  

Tom: No, no, the Pigeon's number dame. 

Dr. Hinge: Leave it to Tom dear. He knows what he's doing. 

Tom: Then ‘e'll give me the address of the owner and we can tell ‘im it's here. See? Won't be a tick. 

Dame Hilda: I Say, aren’t we having a lovely morning, Evadne? So much is happening. 

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear, isn't it? And all we'd planned was a nice uninterrupted few hours at the piano.

Dame Hilda: Oh Maud. Tea. 

Maud: Coffee, Dame ‘ilda. A nice cup of coffee. 

Dr. Hinge: I thought it was tea we were going to have, Maud​?

Maud: It may ‘ave been tea we was going to ‘ave Doctor, But it’s coffee we got. 

Dame Hilda: Don't we have any tea left then, Maud? 

Maud: Well, we do Dame ‘ilda, but last time I swept it up and put it back you complained about the fluff.

Dr. Hinge: Coffee’s fine, Maud. Coffee’s fine.

Maud: And you don't have to ‘ide that bird from me neither! Tom's told me all about that.

Dame Hilda: We weren't hiding it Maud dear. It was sitting on Bizet there fast asleep in full view of everybody.

Maud: Well, I'm not cleaning up after it and you needn't think I am. I've never been that fond of pigeons. Not since Arthur used to keep ‘em and they ‘et my ‘at. 

Dame Hilda: Your ‘at dear, Your hat? 

Maud: A lovely straw I had for a wedding one time all covered in little red berries it were. And two of ‘is tumblers took ‘em for their tea.

Dame Hilda: His tumblers, dear, sounds very acrobatic.

Maud: We ‘ad all sorts tumblers, pouters and a ruddy blue checker white flecked cock. Nasty birds with nasty names and nasty natures. And nobody but Arthur would ‘ave ‘ad the gall to like ‘em. I'm surprised at you, Dame ‘ilda, allowing that thing into your lovely ‘ome. 

Dame Hilda: Well it's only temporarily dear, just till we find it’s owner.

Dr. Hinge: Of that you can be absolutely certain. 

Maud: You see even the Doctor don't like it.

Dr. Hinge: It's not that I don't like it, Maud. It's just that I happen to believe that in nature there's a place for everything and the place for that bird is not in our drawing room.

Dame Hilda: Oh, who’s' a poor little pigeon then. Coo, coo, coo!

Dr. Hinge: Oh yes, but the main reason I shall be glad to see the back of that bird is because of what it's doing to Hilda. 

Tom: I got through. 

Dame Hilda: Oh any luck Tom dear​?

Tom: Of course. I spoke to the owner’s wife, that things lost, shouldn’t be anywhere near ‘ere! Any way she’ll get ‘im to come and collect it at the weekend

Dame Hilda: At the weekend? But it’s only Wednesday, dear. What are we supposed to do with it in the meantime? 

Dr. Hinge: Don't look at me, Hilda. That, as they say, is your pigeon.

Maud: And don't look at me neither, Dame ‘ilda. You know I do anything for you. But I’ll not nursemaid a pigeon, not after what they done to my ‘at.

Tom: Don't worry, dame. As long as that bird is still ‘ere when the man arrives. Now if ‘e comes all the way from Normanton and finds it gone, ‘e’ll kill you.

Dr. Hinge: There you are, Hilda. A nice change for you. You can spend a few days bird watching.

Tom: Now, I was going to suggest that we took a stroll down to the emporium to settle that colour scheme.

Dame Hilda: You'll have to do it alone, Evadne, I can't leave the bird. Not with Maud hostile and three timid cats. 

Dr. Hinge: Oh no, you don't. I know you, duck the responsibility of choosing and do nothing but grumble afterwards. Well, I'm not having it. You can bring the bird with you!

Maud: Oh, what a good idea, Doctor. Get it out of the ‘ouse! 

Dame Hilda: And how do you propose I'm going to carry it, Evadne? 

Dr. Hinge: Stick it on your shoulder like long John Silver.

Maud: I'll see if I can find a cardboard box. 

Dame Hilda: I am not carrying a cardboard box.

Tom: ‘ere,‘ere, I tell you what. I've got an old goldfish bowl back ‘ome. We could pop it in the goldfish bowl, put a plate over the top and make a string ‘andle to carry it by. ‘ow about that?

Dame Hilda: And what, Tom, dear, do you imagine people would think if they saw me walking down the high street, swinging a goldfish bowl with a pigeon in it and a plate over the top.

Dr. Hinge: They'd probably think you'd got an arts council grant, dear. You know, like that man who walks around carrying a plank. 

Maud: Perhaps they'd think you'd a pigeon what ‘et goldfish instead of the berries off people’s ‘ats. 

Dame Hilda: This conversation is getting rather distasteful,especially to that pigeon, oh look at him he’s gone all droopy. You don't know which would be worse do you little darling, to be left with three pussy cats and your Auntie Maud or carried into Stackton in a goldfish bowl with a plate over your head. 

Maud: Why don't you take the kettle?

Dame Hilda: Kettle, Maud. Did you say kettle, dear?

Maud: Well, it's got everything you need. A ‘andle to ‘old it by, a lid to cover it and a spout so it can breathe. 

Dame Hilda: And then somebody says to me, why are you carrying that kettle? And I say I've got my pigeon in it. I mean talk about silly Suffolk. No until that man arrives, everything else will have to wait. I'm house bound with that bird.

Dame Hilda: Well, over the next few days we all grew quite fond of the bird, you see. Even Maud soon stopped calling it rat bag. And she bought it a big plastic dog bone, though whether she expected it to perch on it or eat it I’ll never know! All three cats, once they'd got over the initial shock, were very brave and eventually stopped hiding from it all together. And it lived in a cardboard box in the kitchen and it slept. It slept on one of Evadne’s old winceyette nighties. Well I'm sure she wouldn't have minded and I did give it a thorough wash before I slipped it back in the drawer. Mind you, on the Friday morning there was a bit of a scene. When Evadne discovered that it had got into the bathroom and made rather a mess of her loofah. So it was with rather mixed feelings that we finally welcomed the bird's owner. Mind, the bird didn't welcome it at all.

Bird man: Blasted bird, how do you think I'm going to get it down from the roof then? 

Dame Hilda: Well, couldn't you just call it? 

Bird man: Call it, I'd call it all right, but not in front of ladies.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps we could lure it with food.

Dame Hilda: Oh yes, it loves chocolate.

Bird man: No, you've not been giving it chocolate, I hope? 

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne has, yes, I haven’t. But just a little bit, you know, it adores those chocolate covered peanuts, didn't you know?

Bird Man: Blasted bird.

Dr. Hinge: Would you like me to get you a ladder?

Bird man: You don't think I'm going up after it, do you? I would have thought you'd have had it in a box ready and waiting. 

Dr. Hinge: It was ready and waiting till you arrived.

Bird man: I'll tell you summat about that bird. It's useless. Always getting lost. Never won a race. Never even finished one. You're useless. Bad blood, you see. His brothers are just the same. Your brothers are just the same. The whole clutch. Useless. A waste of time. You're a waste of time. Oh, forget it. Let's go.

Dame Hilda: What do you mean, forget it?

Bird man: I mean, forget it, leave it. Luckily I had a business appointment here any road. I'd not have bothered else.{ talks to pigeon!} Well, it's your last chance. Are you coming down or not? Ah, stuff it. I do beg your pardon, ladies. That thing drives me wild. Well, I'll be off. Thanks for ringing. 

Dame Hilda: What are we supposed to do with it?

Bird man: Do with it? I'll tell you what to do with it. If you can catch it, put it in a pie. 

Dame Hilda: What an obnoxious little man.

Dr. Hinge: Don't worry, Hilda. dear. It'll be all right. They return to the wild, you know.

Dame Hilda: Oh, look, there's another one with it now.

Dr. Hinge: Ah, there you are. 

Dame Hilda: Oh, and they're going, look. They're off. They're disappearing into the trees over there. You know, I think I'm really going to miss that bird.

Dr. Hinge: I have to confess, Hilda. I was beginning to get rather attached to it myself. 

Dame Hilda: Oh, look, look, both birds, they're circling. And they're turning. And they're coming back this way! Quick Evadne indoors, dear and shut that drawing room window.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor