Troubles With A Donkey. Dame Hilda: Going for a country walk with Evadne is rather like taking a stroll through a beach wood with an over enthusiastic truffle-hound. Especially on a cold day when she's sniffing a lot. You're walking along and suddenly you realise she's not with you. You stop, you look back and there she is scrabbling about on her hands and knees in the ditch or the hedge row. I wouldn't mind but she's never even found a truffle. That's how she got her dressing table, she found it in a ditch. Mind you when she found it, it was just two old milk crates and a couple of short planks. But I'll say this for her, she's wonderfully creative. If anyone can make a sows ear out of a silk purse, Evadne can. And I should know, I once lent her my silk purse for the evening. Anyway, one morning last August we were out walking in the lane and I suddenly realised that Evadne wasn't with me. {Country lane.} Dame Hilda: Evadne! Evadne! Where are you? Dr. Hinge: I'm on the verge, Hilda. Dame Hilda; Well I know that but where are you? Dr. Hinge: Over here, behind the elder bush. Dame Hilda: What are you doing there? Or shouldn't one ask. Dr. Hinge: There's a mass of lady's bed straw, Hilda, so I'm gathering some. Dame Hilda: Re-stuffing your old mattress, are you? Dr. Hinge: It’s a wildflower, Hilda. There, the one with all the tiny yellow flowers. Dame Hilda: Oh, I say, it's rather pretty, isn't it? Dr. Hinge: I'm going to make a junket with it. Dame Hilda: Evadne, If you want to make a junket, why can't you do it the normal way? Dr. Hinge: All right, forget the junket. I shall use the leaves of this lady's bed straw to make a very soothing foot bath instead. Dame Hilda: That’s why I am always so reluctant to try your herbal recipes, dear, one never knows whether one's eating a junket or drinking a foot bath. {Eeyore!} Dr. Hinge: What on earth was that? Dame Hilda: Well it sounded like a donkey. Dr. Hinge: Well I didn't think it was a rabbit. Where is it? Dame Hilda: It's in that field. Oh look Evadne, it’s coming towards the gate, oh, it wants to make friends! Dr. Hinge: It's no use waving at it, it won’t wave back. Dame Hilda: I just want it to know that we're pleased to see it. There, there, Evadne, he’s saying hello. Dr. Hinge: You speak the language of course. Dame Hilda: Well I ought to, having listened to you all these years. Dr. Hinge: Then you two should have a cosy little chat. Dame Hilda: Yes we should, shouldn't we donkey. There, there, you like talking to your auntie Hilda, don't you? Dr. Hinge: I’d say he's about your intellectual equal, dear. Dame Hilda: And for a start he's not a he, he's a she. Dr. Hinge: Goodness me, you're getting sharp aren't you? Dame Hilda: I’ve just read the label around her neck, dear. It says my name is Modestine. Dr. Hinge: That was Robert Louis Stevenson's donkey. Dame Hilda: Then what's it doing here? Dr. Hinge: Even you must have heard of Stevenson's travels with a donkey. Dame Hilda: Well of course I have. But I didn't know that you'd travelled with them. Hello Modestine, who's a pretty boy then? Dr. Hinge: Girl! Dame Hilda: She's looking for a new home, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Is that what she said? Dame Hilda: Oh don’t be ridiculous, it's on this label around her neck. My name is Modestine and I need a nice home for a week or two. Apply lilac cottage. Dr. Hinge: I'm going home. Dame Hilda: Oh, not yet you're not. That's lilac cottage over there, isn't it? Dr. Hinge: If one can believe the sign on the lilac tree, yes. Dame Hilda: Naomi Mellinger said it had been sold but she didn't know whether anyone had moved in or not. Dr. Hinge: Well, fancy her missing out on something like that. Dame Hilda: Yes, especially as she's got the new postman decorating her bedroom on the side. Dr. Hinge: You wouldn't think it would need doing again would you? It's only a fortnight ago the milkman did it. Dame Hilda: Poor Naomi, she never seems to get the right man for the job. Dr. Hinge: No. {Eeyore!} Dame Hilda: Oh, have we been ignoring you, Modestine? There there, she likes having her ears tickled, dear. Dr. Hinge: You two obviously have similarly bizarre tastes. Dame Hilda: We have similarly nice natures too, isn't she sweet? I adored donkeys when I was a child. Dr. Hinge: I was afraid you might have done. Dame Hilda: Donkeys and ponies. I used to go to school in a pony and trap, you know. Old Mr. Soames and I can see him now, with his battered old straw hat over one ear and his huge nose constantly twitching like a rabbit. Dr. Hinge: Mr. Soames was the donkey, was he? Dame Hilda: Mr. Soames was the man who used to drive me to school. The donkey was called Horatious, he was very obstinate on bridges. Dr. Hinge: Very funny, Now do come a long Hilda. We can't hang about here all day. Dame Hilda: You know, I think I will just see if there's anyone in the cottage opposite. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, we do not need a donkey. Dame Hilda: But it's only for a week or two. Dr. Hinge: No, Hilda. Dame Hilda: You can be so self centred Evadne! Dr. Hinge: We don’t know the first thing about donkeys. I mean, how much looking after do those things need? Dame Hilda: Well, if we go to the cottage we'll find out. Dr. Hinge: Well, all that mucking out for a start? Dame Hilda: Well, we can all muck in can’t we. I was a land girl, you know. Dr. Hinge: Oh, leave it, Hilda. And I'm sure you needn't worry about Modestine. she'll have no trouble finding a home. Dame Hilda: Of course she won’t, she’s utterly irresistible. And I'm going to the cottage to inquire. {Knocks.} Dr. Hinge: Now do be careful, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Why, I'm not damaging the front door, am I? Dr. Hinge: You know what I mean, don't commit yourself. Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry, dear. I won't. Falconer: Good morning, can I help you? Dame Hilda: Well, dear, we've come about the donkey. Falconer: Ah! You're offering my Modestine a home, are you? Dame Hilda: Yes! Dr. Hinge: No, we're not! Falconer: You don't seem very sure. Dame Hilda: Yes, we are! Dr. Hinge: No, we're not! Falconer: Oh, then perhaps you'd both discuss it further and come back when you made your minds up. Dame Hilda: Oh, I've already made my mind up. Dr. Hinge: But I haven't. Falconer: Well, you're very welcome to wander around the garden for a while, if you want to talk it over. Dame Hilda: No, dear, no, that's not necessary. Falconer: Oh, then perhaps we'd all better have a little chat. Dr. Hinge: Yes, perhaps we had. Falconer: You see, in the first place, you have to decide that you really want to look after Modestine. And in the second, I have to decide that you're the right people to do so. Dame Hilda: There, Evadne, you should have kept your mouth shut. You've obviously made this gentleman think that we're not good enough to look after his donkey. Falconer: Oh, now really, I do hope I didn't give that impression. Dr. Hinge: Not to me, you didn't, but my friend is hypersensitive. Falconer: I say how very remiss of me. I haven't introduced myself. My name's Falconer, Nigel Falconer. Dame Hilda: How do you do, Mr Falconer, I'm Dame Hilda Bracket and this, this is Dr. Evadne Hinge. Dr. Hinge: How do you do? Falconer: Delighted to meet you both. Now, do please come in and let's discuss this indoors, shall we? Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. Falconer: I'm afraid the place is rather bare. Indeed, I've hardly got a stick of furniture in it yet. Dr. Hinge: So I see. Falconer: I can't even offer you a proper chair. Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry, don't worry, I'll perch on the window sill and Evadne will be quite at home on that old oil drum. Falconer: Oh, let me at least throw my sleeping bag over it. Dr. Hinge: It's all right, Mr Falconer I can perch beside Hilda on the window sill, Falconer: I say, I really am frightfully sorry about this, but I’ve only just moved here from Sussex Dr. Hinge: Your furniture's in store I suppose. Falconer: No, the furniture's in Sussex, with the wife. Dame Hilda: And when’s she planning to join you here, then? Falconer: She's not. Dame Hilda: Oh! Dr. Hinge: Trust you to put your foot in it? Falconer: Not at all. It's a simple fact that we've split up after 22 years of marriage. Dame Hilda: Oh, I am sorry. Falconer: I'm not, It would have happened sooner had it not been for the children. Dr. Hinge: And they're living with their mother, are they? Falconer: Yes, they are. Dame Hilda: Still, they'll be able to come and spend their holidays with you, won't they? Falconer: They'll not want to come here, not good enough for them. They're spoiled brats, both of them. Take after their mother and she takes after hers. Dame Hilda: Isn't heredity a terrible thing? In the wrong hands, I mean. Dr. Hinge: And so your wife's got the house, the furniture, and the children, then, Mr. Falconer? Falconer: She's got everything. I insisted on only one thing, and that was that I got custody of Modestine. Dame Hilda: And your wife agreed to that? Falconer: Gladly, well, she's always said that I was fonder of Modestine than I was of her. Dr. Hinge: And by the sound of it you were. Falconer: I was. Modestine has got a very nice nature. Dame Hilda: There you are, Evadne, what did I tell you? That's why she took so readily to me. Falconer: She's affectionate, she's intelligent, she's fun loving, she's a wonderful company, Dame Hilda: Well, you've just described me to a tee, dear. Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Pass. Dame Hilda: Oh don’t be so modest. Dr. Hinge: Anyway, why do you need someone to look after Modestine? Falconer: It's most annoying that the firm should choose this time to send me abroad for a couple of weeks. You do live locally, I presume? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, dear, at the old manse. Falconer: Ah, I know it. Splendid looking place, bags of room there. Dr. Hinge: Sufficient for our needs. Dame Hilda: And a donkeys. I mean, neither of us actually lives in the stables, and there’s a huge garden. We've got a walled orchard and even a small wilderness. Dr. Hinge: I was going to start clearing that this week. Dame Hilda: Well, you wouldn't mind sharing the nettles with Modestine, would you, dear? Evadne’s a great herbalist, Mr. Falconer, she loves boiled nettles. Falconer: Funny thing, Modestine won't touch nettles. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, that's another problem solved, Evadne, isn't it? You can eat the nettles and she can eat the grass. Falconer: Of course, you must understand that Modestine can't just be left in the garden all day. She must have exercise and she loves her daily walk. Dr. Hinge: There you are, Hilda, so who is going to take her? I mean, you don't possess a single pair of really sensible shoes. Falconer: Actually, one can ride. You see, I have a little donkey trap as well. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, a donkey trap, Dr. Hinge: Hilda. There is still a good deal we need to discuss. Dame Hilda: Well, of course there is, dear. Dr. Hinge: It's still far too early to commit ourselves. Dame Hilda: I'm not committing myself to anything, Evadne. {Later.} Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne, Aren't you pleased that we're taking Modestine home with us? I mean, isn't this a wonderfully, lazy way to travel? Dr. Hinge: It's alright for you, sitting up there like Lady Muck. I'm walking. Dame Hilda: Well, Mr. Faulkner did say that somebody should lead her by the head until she got used to us Dr. Hinge: He didn't say it had to be me though, did he? Dame Hilda: I can't think what you're complaining about. You're usually so keen on walking. Dr. Hinge: Walking, yes. But not tramping along a road, dragging a donkey. Dame Hilda: Oh, you do exaggerate, Evadne, She's been going at a cracking little pace. Coming down the hill just now, you were having to trot to keep up? Dr. Hinge: Exactly, and you call it a lazy way to travel. Dame Hilda: Ah, ah, she’s stopped. Dr. Hinge: Yes, she's probably as fed up as I am. Dame Hilda: Can't you do something to get her going again? Dr. Hinge: Well, what do you suggest? Dame Hilda: Oh, coax her dear, gently. Dr. Hinge: Come on you, move yourself! Dame Hilda: No, no, no, dear, gently, more sort of like, come along Modestine come along, Dr. Hinge: That's right, Hilda, show her who's the boss. Dame Hilda: Why’s she stopped Evadne? She’s not doing anything. Dr. Hinge: It's a donkey all over. Stevenson’s was always doing that. Dame Hilda: And how did he get his going again? Dr. Hinge: He used to shout, Proot! Dame Hilda: Very well then. Proot, Proot. Dr. Hinge: Mind, he was a French donkey. Dame Hilda: Do you have any more bright ideas? Dr. Hinge: I'll cut you a switch out of a hedge and you can give her a thwack across the rump with that. Dame Hilda: I’ll do no such thing. Surely you'll remember the old song, dear. If I had a donkey what wouldn't go, do you think I'd wallop him, oh dear, no? Dr. Hinge: What would you do then? Dame Hilda: I haven’t the foggiest idea, because I don't know any more of the song. Dr. Hinge: Another avenue closed. Dame Hilda: We need a bit of donkey psychology. You don't happen to have a carrot in your handbag, do you, dear? Dr. Hinge: No, I don't. Dame Hilda: Pity you're not wearing your orange twin set and your green hat. Dr. Hinge: If you're going to be rude I'm going. Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, you can't leave me stuck here with a donkey, what won’t go? Dr. Hinge: Well, she's your responsibility. You can jolly well get out and carry her home yourself. Dame Hilda: Here, Evadne, take your bunch of ladies bed straw, and hold it under her nose. Dr. Hinge: Very well. Dame Hilda: Oh, I think she rather likes the look of that. Now, keep holding it out to her, dear, and start walking backwards slowly. But don't let her get it. Ah, there we are, that's done the trick. Now, keep walking backwards, Evadne, and try to keep at that distance, dear. Dr. Hinge: How am I supposed to see where I'm going? Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry about that, dear. You've got me and Modestine looking out for you. Oh, good heavens, now there's a car behind us. You wouldn't think the idiots would drive down a narrow lane like this, would you? Dr. Hinge: Well, you usually do. Dame Hilda: Well, I wouldn't if I thought there was going to be a donkey trap in the way. {Car horn sounds!} Dame Hilda: All right, all right, we're going as fast as we can. What do you want to do, Evadne, make a run for it or try to get her on the verge? Dr. Hinge: I'll try the verge, and may you be forgiven. Dame Hilda: If you tempt Modestine right over as far as you can, dear, the car should be able to squeeze past. Dr. Hinge: Come on then Modestine. Over here, come on. Dame Hilda: A bit further, dear, and he should be able to do it. Dr. Hinge: Come on, Modestine. Who wants a mouthful of ladies' bed straw? Dame Hilda: Just another foot or so, Evadne, That's it, come on then, sir. Come on, easy, easy. There we are. Driver: Thank you! Dame Hilda: You're welcome, dear. Stupid idiot! Evadne? Evadne! where are you? Dr. Hinge: I'm down here. Dame Hilda: What on earth are you doing sitting in that ditch? Dr. Hinge: What do you think I'm doing? I'm looking up at the two donkeys that put me in to it. {Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: Well, the fuss Evadne made about that little incident, you'd think she'd fallen into the Grand Union canal, yes. And for the rest of that first day, she continued to make a fuss. She made a fuss when I gave Modestine one of the blankets off her bed, I can't think why it was a horse blanket anyway. And then there was a fuss when Maud gave Modestine the whole meal biscuits Evadne had bought for her tea and the bran that she'd bought for her breakfast. But eventually things settled down, and she even grew quite fond of the donkey. Mind, Maud simply adored her. As to the work, well, we shared it equally. Maud, took charge of feeding and mucking out. Evadne, became very adept at getting a harness on and off. On and off the donkey, I mean. And I gave her daily exercise. The donkey, that is. And then every day we drove into town, stopped at the horse trough and the cake shop. And anywhere else that Modestine fancied shopping. And sometimes it was getting quite dark before we got home from morning coffee. But the days just flew by, until we came to Modestine's last morning with us.
{Piano tinkles!} Dr. Hinge: There you are, Hilda. What are you doing? Dame Hilda: I'm just having a tinkle on the piano, dear. Dr. Hinge: I thought you were down the garden with Modestine. Dame Hilda: I was, I've let her into the orchard. She can have the early windfalls. Dr. Hinge: I was going to use those for cider. Dame Hilda: Well, if you can bring yourself to go down and steal that donkey's last treat? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, she's not going to the knackers yard. She's going home. Dame Hilda: It's going to be dreadfully quiet, without her. Maud: It’s all right, Dame ‘ilda. It’s only me! Dame Hilda: We're in the drawing room, Maud. Dr. Hinge: I don't see quiet ever becoming a problem in this house. Maud: Morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor. Dame Hilda: Morning, Maud, dear. Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud. Maud: She ain't gone yet. ‘as she, Dame ‘ilda? Dame Hilda: Not yet, dear, no. We're just waiting for Mr. Falconer to phone, he promised to ring when he was ready to collect her. Maud: Oh, what am I going to do when she's gone? What am I going to brush down then? Dr. Hinge: You could try the stairs. Maud: Look, Dame ‘ilda what I got me bag ‘ere. I cooked it special for ‘er to take home with ‘er. Dame Hilda: What is it, dear? Maud: It's a donkey cake. Dr. Hinge: It looks very like that cake you made special for us the other day. Maud: Oh, well, I were trying it out. I'd not made one before. Dame Hilda: Maud, you didn't give us donkey cake. Maud: Why, no, Dame ‘ilda. That what you ‘ad were Dame ‘ilda cake. Dame Hilda: It’s a very adaptable little recipe, isn't it? Maud: It's one of me old grans. Mind, she used to call it crocodile cake Dr. Hinge: I know I shall regret asking this. But why? Maud: Because, she used to take it to the zoo and chuck it to the crocodiles. Nobody in our family would touch it, not even the ducks. Dame Hilda: Well, I must say I thought it was rather nice at the time. Dr. Hinge: Well, there you are then, Hilda. If you liked it, why shouldn't Modestine? Maud: Mind you, it’s not exactly the same recipe. See, where yours ‘ad glassy cherries and nuts, Dame Hilda: Thinking back, I fancy I had a bit of hay in mine. Maud: Oh, no, Dame ‘ilda never ‘ay, might ‘ave been a bit of my knitting. What colour were it? Dame Hilda: I really can't remember, dear. I just seemed to recall leaving it on the side of my plate. Dr. Hinge: Now we know where Maud drops her stitches. Maud: Well, if it were a nice bright green, that were wool. Because look what else I've got in my bag ‘ere. Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud, you knitted that yourself? Dr. Hinge: If it's a cardigan, you forgot to put the sleeves in it Maud: Tain’t no cardigan, Doctor. That's a blanket for Modestine. Dame Hilda: What a very kind thought. Maud: Well, I knowed, that afore that donkey were ‘alf way down that path. The Doctor would ‘ave that ‘orse blanket back on ‘er bed. Dr. Hinge: That blanket, that Dame Hilda so kindly lent Modistine is not a horse blanket. It came from Canada during the war. As a bundle for Britain. Dame Hilda: Why were you getting bundles for Britain? Dr. Hinge: Why shouldn't I. I’m British aren’t I? Dame Hilda: Well I never had a bundle for Britain! Dr. Hinge: Well, you’ve left it a bit late to ask for one now, but if you feel left out you can have my blanket! Dame Hilda: Heaven forbid, I shall always look upon that as a donkeys duvet! Maud; Well, I suppose I’d better go and pack ‘er little bag then. Dr. Hinge: What little bag? Dame Hilda: We're making up a little bag for Modestine to take home with her, dear. Maud: I dug up ‘er carrots and as I come by the vicarage, I ‘opped over the wall and grabbed a few pears off ‘is tree. Dr. Hinge: Shame on you, Maud. Dame Hilda: I'm sure Francis of Assisi would have turned a blind eye. Dr. Hinge: Maybe, but the vicar won't. Dame Hilda: And you will pack that little sign from the stable door, won't you, Maud? Maud: And what about ‘er straw ‘at then, should I pack that an’ all? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes dear, she may as well keep it. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, that's my gardening hat! Dame Hilda: But we’ve cut holes in it for her ears, dear, you can't wear it now. Oh, I don't know though. Maud: Ah, look, Dame ‘ilda, there she is, coming up from the orchard. Dame Hilda: What's the time, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Almost 11. Dame Hilda: Dead on time. She's coming up for her song, dear, I suppose this is the last morning we shall sing her little song. Dr. Hinge: We can still sing the song, Hilda. It wasn't written just to be sung to donkeys, you know. Maud: Should I open the garden door, then, Dame ‘ilda, so she can ‘ear it better? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, please, Maud. Evadne, would you just tinkle the opening notes and she'll come right up to the door? Dr. Hinge: Very well. On the prom, prom, prom, prom, promenade, for the 14th morning running. Dame Hilda: Well, it obviously reminds her of the seaside. She must have worked the sands at one time.
On the promenade, somewhere by the sea You’ll see me and all my pals as happy as can be On the prom, prom, prom, prom, promenade. By the dear old silvery sea See them strolling up and down Just as happy as can be {Come on, Maud join me.} On the prom, prom, prom, prom, promenade There is joy in every heart Hear them shouting, have a ride on the donkey Up and down the promenade On that sunny coast to coast that’s just as warm as toast I try to tan myself the colour of a nice hot roast Looking jolly well, feeling very swell Swinging through the swing doors of the old Marine hotel On the prom, prom, prom, prom, promenade By the dear old silvery sea See them strolling up and down, just as happy as can be On the prom, prom, prom, prom, promenade There is joy in every heart Hear them shouting, have a ride on the donkey Up and down the promenade Wooo!
Dame Hilda: Do you know, Evadne? I think she wants more, I'm sure she's shouting, encore, encore! Dr. Hinge: She could be shouting, shut up, shut up! Maud: That ain't likely Doctor, she ‘as better manners than some I know {Telephone rings.} Dame Hilda: Oh, I expect that'll be Mr. Falconer now. Maud: Should I answer it, Dame ‘ilda, and tell ‘im you've gone away? Dr. Hinge: I really don't advise that, Maud. You wouldn't want to see Dame Hilda arrested for donkey rustling Dame Hilda: It's alright, Maud, it has to be faced. Hello? Yes? Hello, Mr. Falconer…So you're back, are you?... Oh, she's fine, er... absolutely fine. She's been very happy, yes, she's looking at me now through the garden door and she’s smiling and she's eating Evadne’s geraniums. Dr. Hinge: What? Maud: She's having her elevenses! Dame Hilda: You two, please, I'm talking to Mr. Falconer. What's that, Mr. Falconer?... really? why, of course, dear. We would be delighted, ha, ha, ha, no trouble at all. Right, dear, we'll see you then. Bye! Dr. Hinge: All right, how much longer does he want us to have her? Dame Hilda: He doesn't, dear, he's coming for her now Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda! Dr. Hinge: Why so cheerful then, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well, dear, a funny thing happened Dr. Hinge: Shall I find it funny? Dame Hilda: No, I don't expect you will but then you never find anything funny. You see, Mr. Falconer was speaking to the taxi driver on his way back from the airport, and this driver has a friend who's got another friend who has a donkey problem Dr. Hinge: What sort of donkey problem? Dame Hilda: Well, this man that the taxi driver knows, he wants to take his wife and children on holiday to the Costa Brava and of course, he can't Dr. Hinge: Because he can't find anyone to look after his donkey Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne you’re ever so quick this morning? Dr. Hinge: And you said we would look after his donkey. Dame Hilda: Well, you're close, dear. Dr. Hinge: What do you mean close? Dame Hilda: Well, you see, he's got two donkeys! Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda! Dame Hilda: Evadne, I don't suppose you'd mind if I borrowed your other horse blanket, would you?
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
