{Drawing room.}

Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilda, but could I ‘ave a word with you?

Dame Hilda: Well, of course you can, dear. What is it?

Maud: Well, you know, Dame ‘ilda, as I ain't one for prying into other people's affairs, nor for telling tales of school.

Dame Hilda: Mmm, yes.

Maud: But I think you ought to know as the Doctor's up to something in ‘er room.

Dame Hilda: Well, she's always up to something up there.

Maud: Ah, but this time she's up to something different.

Dame Hilda: Well, it is her room, dear. I mean, she can do whatever she likes up there. It's nothing to do with us.

Maud: I just thought as you ought to know.

Dame Hilda: All right, Maud. Well, what's she up to?

Maud: Now, you also know, Dame ‘ilda, as I ain't never been one for snitching.

Dame Hilda: Oh, do get on with it, Maud, what is she up to?

Maud: She's ‘ad a man up there, all morning.

Dame Hilda: A man? What sort of man?

Maud: One of them two legged sort in trousers.

Dame Hilda: Good heavens.

Maud: Exactly. Now, that's never ‘appened before, ‘as it

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't suppose it's anything to worry about. It's probably just a rag and bone man come to give her an estimate. Is he still up there?

Maud: No e's gorn.

Dame Hilda: Is she still up there?

Maud: No, she's gorn.

Dame Hilda: Well, I doubt they've gone to Gretna Green together, her galoshes are still in the hall.

Maud: The pair of them was making some very funny noises up there, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Really, what sort of noises?

Maud: Oh, for start, there was a lot of tapping and knocking and banging about.

Dame Hilda: Banging? Well, I suppose the man could have been her clog dancing instructor.

Maud: Didn't sound much like dancing to me it were all over the place.

Dame Hilda: Well, the Doctor's dancing is all over the place. Perhaps she's having some new touch of wanton luxury added to her room, like lino.

Maud: Ah, but that don't account for the bellowing?

Dame Hilda: Bellowing? You mean they were shouting at each other?

Maud: No. There was a sort of bellowing noise kept coming, a sort of moo! moo!

Dame Hilda: I do hope she's not building a cow shed up there.

Maud: Well, she were complaining yesterday that the milk man's always late.

Dame Hilda: Maud, I know you're not one for prying into other people's affairs or for telling tales out of school or for snitching, but didn't it occur to you to have a peep through the key hole?

Maud: Well, o’ course it did, Dame ‘ilda,

Dame Hilda: And?

Maud: she's covered it over.

Dame Hilda: Sneaky old thing! Well, I assume you tried the door.

Maud: O’course, but it were locked. And what's more, the key weren't in its usual secret ‘ideing place.

Dame Hilda: I didn't know she had a secret hiding place for it.

Maud: Well she do. Not everyone's as open and above board as you are, Dame ‘ilda. Oh, and I tried that other little trick as you showed me an’all.

Dame Hilda: You mean the one with a bent hairpin?

Maud: No. I mean the one where you lie flat on the landing floor and try to peer under the door.

Dame Hilda: Well, that usually works.

Maud: Didn't this time she ‘ad ‘er door done an’all?

Dame Hilda: Really? What is she trying to hide? I mean, privacy is one thing, but obsessive secrecy just isn't healthy.

Bissett: Mrs. Print?

Maud: Oh, that's the odd job, man. Yes, Mr. Bissett!

Bissett: I’m off to get a few more slates, I'll be about an hour and a half.

Maud: All right Mr. Bissett! He's come to replace them slates as blowed off last week Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I noticed his ladder was up there when I came in. His ladder? It's right outside of Evadne’s window. Quick, come into the garden, Maud, where the black night bat...doesn't matter. Hurry up, dear, and we'll see what we can see.

Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, wouldn’t that be spying.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, not if we're quick.

{Outside.}

Dame Hilda: I say it does look a long way up to the Doctor's window, doesn't it? Still, if I close my eyes and don't look down, I'll probably be all right.

Maud: Perhaps we should rope ourselves together, Dame ‘ilda

Dame Hilda: I don't think so, dear. Anyway, that would be a fat lot of good if you're going to be down here holding the ladder.

Maud: Well, would you like me to come up behind yer?

Dame Hilda: No, I wouldn't, no, you can go up instead of me if you like.

Maud: Ooh, I'd not like to go up there on me own, there’d be no one to grab ‘old of if I fell.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm sure it'll be better for both of us if you stay down here. Now, you hold the ladder steady. I'm going up. Close your eyes, Hilda and climb. And she climbed the dusty ladder, on which fell no ray of light. Up and up her white lips saying curfew shall not ring tonight.

Maud: You're about ‘alfway up there, Dame Hilda, You're just about level with the bathroom overflow.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud. Life is just like a ladder. everyday’s a rung. So it's upwards, ever upwards, until my song is sung.

Maud: Just a bit ‘igher, Dame ‘ilda, you're nearly there.

Dame Hilda: I should jolly well hope I am, I'm running out of ladder.

Maud:  Right. You're there can you see anything?

Dame Hilda: Not a thing. Her curtains are drawn. My goodness, that blackout material has lasted well, there's not a chink in it. Right, I'm coming down. Hold, the ladder steady, Maud. Maud?

Dr. Hinge: I've sent Maud in, Hilda. I'm holding the ladder now.

Dame Hilda: Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: What exactly do you think you're doing up there?

Dame Hilda: I'm cleaning the windows.

Dr. Hinge: Don't you need a bucket of water and a chamois leather for that?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I haven't got that far. I'm just looking to see how dirty they are, then I'll know how much detergent to put in the water.

Dr. Hinge: I thought the window cleaner was coming tomorrow.?

Dame Hilda: He is, dear, and heaven knows what he'll think if he sees the windows in this state.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I'm giving you just two seconds to climb down that ladder.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't be so ridiculous. A fireman couldn't slide down his pole that fast.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I'm waiting, now come down this minute.

Dame Hilda: Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: I'm stuck.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean you're stuck?

Dame Hilda: I can't move. You know that funny thing that people get when they can't go up and they can't go down?

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, I've got it.

Dr. Hinge: What if Maud and I held a sheet? Could you jump?

Dame Hilda: It's no joking matter, Evadne. Mind if you were to open your bedroom window, I might be able to clamber in that way.

Dr. Hinge: But my window opens outwards. If I open it I'd knock you right off your ladder. So don't tempt me.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, what am I going to do? I'm stuck.

Dr. Hinge: All right then, hang on. I'll come up and get you.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, you're not giving me one of your fireman's lifts.

Dr. Hinge: What do you want me to do then? Call the SAS?

Dame Hilda: No, you just call Maud to hold the ladder and you go away. It's probably the fear of knowing you're standing there waiting for me that's brought this on.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, Hilda. But you're going to have to face me sooner or later. So when you do get down, I'll be in the drawing room waiting for an apology.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Have I been sent to Coventry, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: No.

Dame Hilda: Then stop fiddling with that music and talk to me.

Dr. Hinge: I have nothing further to say to you.

Dame Hilda: You haven't really said anything yet.

Dr. Hinge: I've said all I intend to. I'm just deeply disappointed in you, Hilda, that's all. One expects Maud to gossip, one doesn't expect you to pry.

Dame Hilda: I've apologised.

Dr. Hinge: And I've accepted your apology. So the matter is now closed, and there's nothing more to say.

Dame Hilda: Are you going to Sulk for a long time?

Dr. Hinge: I am not Sulking.

Dame Hilda: I think I'd sooner be shouted at.

Dr. Hinge: Then you should share your home with a fish wife.

Dame Hilda: Well, I didn't expect to be sent to Coventry.

Dr. Hinge: You have not been sent to Coventry.

Dame Hilda: I mean, you can hardly blame me for being curious. I bet you would be curious if I'd had a strange man in my room banging about and making moo cow noises... Well, wouldn't you? Evadne, I said wouldn't you? There, you see, I have been sent to Coventry.

Dr. Hinge: You certainly will be if you don't shut up, I'll put you on the bus myself.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: I'll get it.

Dr. Hinge: No, I'll get it.

Dame Hilda: Am I to take it? I am not allowed phone calls now. I suppose this is what they call loss of privileges.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Stackton 295.... Yes, speaking. Hello, Roland... What? Holy water? I haven't the foggiest idea where you'd buy it, Why not try the church... Well, wait till there's a christening on and then pop round with a little bottle.

Dame Hilda: What does he want holy water for?

Dr. Hinge: Well, it wouldn’t be that dirty, Roland, they don't totally immerse them, though, whether it would be drinkable or not, I wouldn't like to say.

Dame Hilda: What does he want holy water for, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda be quiet! If I were you, Roland, I'd go round and see the vicar. If you take a milk jug, he might let you borrow a drop…. a recipe book​? Well, why not pop round here afterwards? All right, I'll see you then. Bye now.

Dame Hilda: What does your little friend, Roland Quartermaine want holy water for Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: If you must know, he's come across an old recipe for Bible cake, and he's getting his housekeeper to make one. Now, are you satisfied, nosy?

Dame Hilda: A Bible cake. I bet that's for the church social, and all I could think of was angel cakes. That man is such a show off. Did I hear you say he was coming round?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, You are incorrigible. I've just ticked you off for prying, and now you're quite shamelessly eavesdropping.

Dame Hilda: Well, if you wanted me to leave the room or stick my fingers in my ears, you should have said so.

Dr. Hinge:  I would just prefer you not to bother yourself with things what don’t concern you.

Dame Hilda: But a visit from Roland Quartermaine does concern me. He might want to hear the song I'm going to sing at the social. He is arranging the programme.

Dr. Hinge: Well, what if he does? Is there a problem?

Dame Hilda: Well, that's just it. I don't know. There might be.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean? Well, you may have decided you don't want to play for me, because you're not talking to me.

Dr. Hinge: Not talking to you. I'm talking to you more than I usually talk to you.

Dame Hilda: Then will you play for me?

Dr. Hinge: With the greatest of pleasure.

Dame Hilda: Can we have a rehearsal then before he comes?

Dr. Hinge: You do push your luck.

Dame Hilda: Well, can we?

Dr. Hinge: Very well, then.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. Evadne?

Dr. Hinge:  What?

Dame Hilda: I'm glad we're friends again.

A fading light, a falling sun, melts into a deepening blue

And here is night, and I’m the one

Favoured to be here with you

I thank all the stars that shine

That these happy hours are mine

The night is young, and the moon is riding high

The night is young, and so am I

A cricket sighs and I hear you sighing too

The night is young, and so are you.

And through it all I can hear your beauty call

Like a shy persuading whisper in the sweet stillness

My heart is yours, just as yours belongs to me.

The night is young, and so are we.

And through it all I can hear your beauty call

Like a shy persuading whisper in the sweet stillness

My heart is yours, just as yours belongs to me

The night is young, and so are we

Dame Hilda: That was really lovely, Evadne. You know, I think your playing is better now than ever it was.

Dr. Hinge:  Are you being sarcastic?

Dame Hilda: No, I'm just being pleasant.

Dr. Hinge: How very disconcerting.

Dame Hilda: So now we are friends again, shall I go and ask Maud to make you a nice cup of coffee?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'd like a cup of coffee, but whether Maud’s capable of making me a nice one, I rather doubt.

Dame Hilda: Then I'll make it myself. I won't belong, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Hilda.

P&D: Doctor, hello. It's P&D, as you can see. We're here at the garden door.

Dr. Hinge: And about time, too. Peter, Mandy. Well, come in.

Mandy: Thank you, Doctor. Come along P. Do you want a hand with those suitcases?

Peter: No, I'll manage.

Dr. Hinge: I'd given you two up. I was expecting you hours ago.

Mandy: There you are, P. What did I tell you?

Peter: What did you tell me?

Mandy: I told you at the outset there was no point coming if we were going to be late.

Peter: Oh, but we didn't know we were going to be late, did we, not until later? And by then it was too late.

Dr. Hinge: Well, have you got everything with you?

Mandy: We have, Doctor. It's all in these suitcases. That's partly why we're late.

Peter: Oh, don't start that again.

Mandy: You see, P insisted on driving all the way over to Kirkling, just to borrow a few things off a chum of his.

Peter: Yes, and Mandy insisted on driving all the way back.

Mandy: Only because I didn't want to be late. P’s such a ditherer. We'd have been all right, only we got lost.

Peter: I didn't.

Mandy: What do you mean you didn't? You were sitting right beside me. If I was lost, you were lost.

Peter: I was not. I knew perfectly well where I was. I had the map.

Mandy: I know you did. That's how we got lost.

Peter: Anyway, what's done is done. We can't go home and come back earlier, can we?

Mandy: No, but we could go home and come back later.

Peter: That's true. Would that be any help, Doctor?

Dr. Hinge: No, it wouldn't.

Peter: So much for your clever ideas, D.

Dr. Hinge: Well, now you're here. You'd better come up and remember if you bump into Hilda, mum's the word.

Peter: Right.

Dame Hilda: Here we are, Evadne. Oh, Peter, Mandy? I didn’t hear you arrive and what brings you here.

Peter: Mum's the word, Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: I beg your pardon?

Dr. Hinge: We’re going up to my room, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely, after all these years. I feel quite honoured. Now, what shall I wear?

Dr. Hinge: Don't put yourself out. We, does not include you.

Dame Hilda: What about your coffee, do you want it delivered?

Dr. Hinge: I'll take it with me. And you might ask Maud to bring us two more cups. Oh, and tell her that when Roland Quartermaine arrives, she's to send him straight up as well. Right, come along, you two.

Mandy: Well, hello and good-bye, Dame Hilda.

Peter: Yes, er... Hail and farewell!

Dame Hilda:  And you too, with knobs on! Maud!

Maud: Yes, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Goodness, you were quick, where were you?

Maud: Just lurking about. So why do you reckon them two's taking them suitcases up, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, it did cross my mind for one dreadful moment that the Doctor might be taking in lodgers.

Maud: Oh, it never did.

Dame Hilda: Well, just for a moment. But I immediately realised there's not room in there to sling any more hammocks.

Maud: Perhaps she's been ‘aving some bunk beds built.

Dame Hilda: No, those suitcases were obviously heavy and I thought I could hear things rattling about in them.

Maud: Ooer. Perhaps it's swag, silver plate and such.

Dame Hilda: Well, I hardly think so, dear. Even I can't see those two as successful cat burglars and the Doctor has some sort of Fagin, oh, I don't know, though. But I'd love to know what she's up to all the same. No one, not even myself, has ever set foot across that threshold.

Maud: I say, Dame ‘ilda, look.

Dame Hilda: What?

Maud: That Mr. Quartermaines coming up the drive now?

Dame Hilda: Right, Maud. You go and fetch some more coffees, dear. I'll let Mr. Quartermiane in myself through the garden door.

Maud: Ooh, you're a wily one Dame ‘ilda, the Doctor’d ‘ave to get up early to catch you with your knickers down.

Dame Hilda: I’d jolly well think she would. Roland! you can come through this way, dear.

Roland: Oh, thank you, and a very good morning to you, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Good morning. Well, sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable, I've asked Maud to bring us some coffee.

Roland: Oh, that's most kind of you, Hilda. Is, er... Evadne about?

Dame Hilda: She is, dear, yes. But I'd like a little word with you first, if you don't mind.

Roland: About the church social, is it?

Dame Hilda: No.

Roland: About the concert programme?

Dame Hilda: No.

Roland: Oh!

Dame Hilda: As a matter of fact, it's about Evadne.

Roland: And might one inquire where she is?

Dame Hilda: She's up in her room, dear, with Peter and Mandy Moore..

Roland: Then if you'll excuse me, Hilda, I think I should go straight up.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, you don't. Not until I've finished with you.

Roland: I beg your pardon?

Dame Hilda: Oh, you needn't look so worried. My intentions are perfectly honourable. Had they not been I’d have offered you something a little stronger than coffee.

Roland: Well, I'm sorry, Hilda. I don't wish to appear discourteous, but Evadne is expecting me.

Dame Hilda: Then Evadne is going to have to lump it. And I warn you, if you try to make a bolt for it, I shall trip you up and lock the door.

Roland: I must say, Hilda, I find this violent streak in your nature somewhat unexpected. one can only assume you acquired it stomping the stage for so many years in the guise of some Wagnerian warrior maiden.

Dame Hilda: I did not stomp!

Roland: I assure you that was not intended as criticism. I'm sure it's very difficult to do anything but stomp, with a spear in one hand, a shield in the other and a winged helmet jammed on your head.

Dame Hilda: Difficult perhaps dear, but not impossible.

Roland:  Hilda, much as I'm enjoying this little conversation I really must ask you to let me go.

Dame Hilda: Not before you have answered two very simple questions, Hilda.

Roland: Hilda, I am not playing pig in the middle.

Dame Hilda:  I would never dream of asking you to. I consider it a hateful game. No doubt, because at boarding school I was so frequently lured into playing it with real pigs.

Roland: Very well then. Ask your questions and let me go.

Dame Hilda: Right. Question number one. Do you know what is going on up in Evadne's room?

Roland: Well, I...

Dame Hilda: Roland there are only two possible answers, yes or no, which is it?

Roland: Well, put like that. The answer must be, yes.

Dame Hilda: So far, so good. Which brings us to question number two. What is going on up in Evadne's room?

Roland: That's the tricky one. I'm afraid you’d have to ask Evadne that.

Dame Hilda: I have already asked Evadne.

Roland: And what did she say?

Dame Hilda: Told me to mind my own business.

Roland: Then I can only suggest that is what you do.

{Banging!}

Dame Hilda: What's in heaven's name is that?

Roland: It's probably the 14th century ascension day dance that Peter and Mandy Moore are preparing for the church's social.

Dame Hilda: My goodness, and I was going to sing an Evelyn Laye song. Will that be all right?

Roland: Anything, Hilda, anything.

Dame Hilda: Oh, hasn’t it gone quiet?

Dr. Hinge: Maud!

Dame Hilda: But not for long.

Dr. Hinge: MAUD!!

Maud: Yes, Doctor,

Dr. Hinge: What’s happened to the rest of the coffee?

Maud: I ‘ad an accident, when when you started making all that din I dropped it. So now I'm ‘aving to make some more.

Dr. Hinge: Well do get a move on. And Hilda!

Dame Hilda: Oh, isn't she a martinet?

Dr. Hinge: Hasn’t Roland Quartermaine arrived yet?

Roland: I'm here, Evadne, in the drawing room with Hilda. Help!

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't make such a fuss. I haven't touched you yet.

Dr. Hinge: All right! We're coming down.

Dame Hilda: Now perhaps I shall find out what you're all up to.

Roland: And one can only hope you won't regret it. Evadne's only been keeping it from you because she didn't want to upset or worry or frighten you.

Dame Hilda: Oh, has she? Well, now you've got me all three.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Roland.

Roland: Oh, Evadne.

P&D: Hello!

Roland: Good morning.

Dr. Hinge: I did ask them to send you straight up, Roland, but as you no doubt realise by now we live in a madhouse.

Dame Hilda: And there's no prize for naming the principal looney.

Roland: I... I really do think, Evadne, that Hilda should be made privy to our little secret.

Peter: That's just what we were saying, isn't it, D?

Mandy: Well, you were. I wasn't.

Peter: No, but I was beginning to wear you down. You'd have come round in the end.

Mandy: I might have done and I might not. I see no point in telling Dame Hilda if it's going to scare the wits out of her.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if everybody likes to make themselves comfortable, I shall now bow to a dubious majority and tell Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Now, just a minute, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: Is what you are about to tell me likely to upset me or worry me or frighten me?

Dr. Hinge: Very possibly.

Dame Hilda: And you really think it would scare me out of my wits, do you?

Dr. Hinge: I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Dame Hilda: Then I don't want to know.

Dr. Hinge: Too bad.

Dame Hilda: No, you mustn't tell me. I do not want to know.

Dr. Hinge: After all I've been through with you this morning, you're going to know whether you like it or not.

Dame Hilda: You can't force me to listen. I shall stick my fingers in my ears.

Dr. Hinge: If you do, we'll pull them straight out again.

Roland: No, no, no. I don't really think you've anything to worry about Hilda.

Peter: Good heavens, no.

Mandy: Not a thing.

Dame Hilda: Well, I must say you lot have changed your tune. All right, Evadne, I'll be brave, let's have it.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it started a few days ago. I heard some strange noises in my room and I thought I might have mice.

Dame Hilda: Mice? I've told you before not to eat seed cake in bed.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's all right. There's actually no sign of mice or rats.

Dame Hilda: Rats?

Dr. Hinge: There's not a sign. But then I noticed that certain objects on my mantelpiece were being moved about or knocked over or knocked off

Dame Hilda: You mean stolen?

Dr. Hinge: I mean, I found some of them on the floor. And even after I’d totally sealed the room, this sort of thing continued. And that's when I came to the conclusion that I might, just possibly,  have a poltergeist.

Dame Hilda: A poltergeist?

Roland: Now, they don't do any real harm Hilda, and they don't usually stay very long.

Peter: They do sometimes. I knew a man who had a poltergeist, and it actually outlived him.

Mandy: But that sort of thing doesn't happen very often, does it, P?

Peter: Oh, no, it only happened to him once.

Dame Hilda: But why would a poltergeist choose your room, Evadne? I mean, surely, sooner or later, it's going to realise what a dreadful mistake it's made and move into mine.

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no, poltergeists tend to stick to one particular person.

Dame Hilda: Well, then you'd better move out and take the wretched thing with you.

Roland: Now, don't worry, Hilda. We'll get rid of it. I've even spoken to the vicar and plans are afoot.

Peter: Yes, we've rustled up all manner of high-tech ghoulie scarers.

Mandy: Well, you have, P. I just bought a bag full of things to bang, blow and jangle.

Peter: Yes, it might be noisy for a bit.

Mandy: Apparently, Dame Hilda, poltergeists just can't live with certain noises.

Dame Hilda: Well, neither can I.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps you'd better move out.

Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilda, Mr. Bissetts back at the kitchen door.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, what does he want now?

Maud: He says, did you know as you've got squirrels in your attic?

Roland: Squirrels in your attic. There, I suspect, is your poltergeist, Evadne, they'll be getting in via the chimney.

Peter: I say, if I leave the video cameras running, we might get some wonderful shots.

Dame Hilda: You mean you've got video cameras up there?

Peter: Oh, yes.

Dame Hilda: Then at last, the final veil is about to be removed and the ancient secrets of Evadne's room will be revealed.

Dr. Hinge: You needn't think you'll see much. I've covered everything with dust sheets.

Dame Hilda: You know, Evadne, I think I know why those squirrels were attracted to your room?

Dr. Hinge: All right, I'll buy it. Why?

Dame Hilda: Why, can't you guess, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Wait for it everybody!